I wish that i could stop dreaming because in the end my friend i wake up screaming. Blind and unseeing i arise, wide eyed with my voice flying from my throat. you all know that i have nightmares, or if u dont you dont care. Scribbles from my pen reveal that to feel one must live and to live one must lie awake at night, free to think with insanity flowing through his veins. Attacking sanity because sanity is a cage that enrages me.  The thinker , the feeler, the hoper, the dreamer. In all sanity one is far from reality. A wise man once said to me "things are not what they seem". The silent are screaming the dreaming are waking, the  fallen are flying, the living are dying, and still we cant see that we are blind to the truth. I was blind to the truth but now death is dead to me.

im going to rip her apart
im going to shatter her glass heart
step close to her and stoop down to
the most tragically beautiful piece of art
the most jagged piece of the painting
and even if the artist hates me
pick it up
grasp it tight for days
until blood drips down its face
turn it on my self, pluge it into my chest
and twist
if i cant save her then
only God can save me from this
breaking her heart will **** her
killing her will **** me
slowly or quickly
a knife across an artery
or the slow decay of the guilty

i want to live loving madly
and so sadly
i must let her go
not knowing, but hoping
just gently is enough
enough for her to live free
enough for her to love see
enough that she'll forget me
when she's waking when she's sleeping
Lord even if it breaks me
i go willingly

i want to paint a picture
the canvas stands in front of us
we're holding hands
the brushes in our others
staring at the canvas we begin to paint
a picture that we love and so many others hate
we paint OUR starry night.
a nightmare for van gogh but  a dream that i know that
i want to last
no blending of colors in moments past
stars in the sky and the moon in a haze
we'ew barely breathing, comatose, but so awake
i could see the wind stirring the sky around and inside
as a torrential zephyrous blaze
so deep, so untameable, so true
and it flew.
into the page
as each stroke glints in your eye and in mine
i cry.
its so beautiful i cry
and the stars cry with me.
no color recreatable
no lie its unmistakeable.
our love is a masterpiece.
every masterpiece is incomplete.
let's paint for eternity.

Even I don’t know how I feel
Beyond words is what is real
The truth and life are in your eyes
A thousand mesmerizing cries
An angel’s voice falls from your lips
A wish a want a need a kiss
Peace and love in more than a touch
Your simple presence is more than enough
To know a friend is there and see
A friend in fall much more may be

Things change

everything blurrs
almost into an objective view
an out of body experience
you find yourself in a minor rock
back and forth
you're focused
you only care about that one person
Is she okay?
you wish you could know
you wish you could help
Is she okay?
     Is she okay?
            Is
                she
                    okay
                           ?

Forget the world
and hold my hand
all i know is that you're mine
that you're close to me
that there is no way i could ever deserve this
that you make me happier than anything
forget the world
lets keep making memories like these
until there is no more anything


The bloodrop and the teardop are kinded kin
even though you cannot see
they flow and frolic
within me
just beneath the surface
vermilllion and azure naids
enticing me
but hiding
just out of sight
in their shy playful naivete

hat happened to what we used to be
when your smiles meant the world to me
and the skies danced for us
just to bring us happiness
what happened to our friendship and when
did the sky start falling

If my words ever even begin to mean a thing
If never is the day when the sky is pieced back together
I want you to know
that forever
you will always mean the world to me
i miss you

floating on a cloud high above that lousy number nine tonight
never wanna come down- i just wanna hold you tight
there are so many times that words just dont do this justice
i think we need to forget our own flaws and just embrace this
see,
i dont see anything but beautiful
i dont feel anything but love
no matter what you do
i will never forget you
because im awake
and you're still what im dreaming of
a million words that i could type
but not  a single one is right
to perfectly describe or bring to light
just what it is i am trying to say
on this wonderful , indescribable day

I'm asking questions like im socrates
and of course the answers aren't a shock to me
I'm asking for solidity
but not a single thing in this life has rigidity
It all don't mean nil to me, it's foolish to be
caught up in this world you'll see
the world is dying, all will pass away, we have not forever, we may not have a day
we are just a wisp, a vapor, the fading sound of a once struck chord
even i am only shattered metaphors
pieces of paper fluttering and torn
i hear their inky voices as they mutter and they mourn
there is near to nothing left of me anymore
i am only broken bits of poetry
smashed and spit on paper
I am only sickly similes, a sadly spoken satire
like wandering ghosts of memories and meaningless dreams
like meaningless hopes and desperate screams it seems
like things have taken a turn for the worse
and i may soon end up
in a homemade handwritten paper hearse
strangled by my verses
flayed alive by words then
left to wander wordless
my meaningless words have begun to haunt me, daunt me, it's daunting
and this is not me
I am not some needy scrap of paper waiting to be filled
I am a notebook half-filled with half-finished lines of half-realities
I am a dying man screaming at the top of my lungs as they are shattering
as i am torn apart by the desires of my own heart
It falls apart as i metaphysically massacre me
I blatantly
snip apart the seams of sanity and reality-what little few are left in me
i **** with words that flow from my pen
and then
I write for them revival
but my pen is low on ink and i think it's suicidal
It'll be a kamikaze even if i choose denial
and i don't know much but i know it's a vicious cycle
I dont know when it will choose to think
it's own end into existence
will it be, maybe
perfectly timed to persuade me,maybe
illogically, with all reason simply lost to me
that it chose to spit a little extra blood
a little extra ink
that it chose to save me from the next line i might make
just think, it might be more than i could take
it might break me, make me, mistakenly
the master of my own fate
This is death by poetry
rebirth by verse
If i write poetry again, will it be reversed?
not a revolution or evolution but
humanity
in words
this
is death by poetry

step back
from the glass
and realize
that our eyes are foolish things
believe
believe that you are beautiful
believe that you are loved
believe above all else
that there will be a day
when all else fades away
i guess what im trying to say is
you
you dont make me sick
not at all
you are human
you are beautifully created
no matter what secrets you could keep
no matter what you do wrong
have done wrong
no matter
you dont make me sick
not at all
you see
you make me smile
and i miss you
best friend
i want to ease your pain
i want to make it ok
if i could make it just ok
well...id give a lot to do that

so what im trying to say
is
you are not alone today

My wound has not yet begun to heal
the blood it weeps has only just now congealed
the sinews have not yet begun to knit
together to bind;the bones have not begun to fit
back into the places they cracked from -my spine
you buried it deep so it's difficult to find - the knife
the bones and muscles are in my face
laying in shards and tatters
torn and shattered
by the lies and words you waste
spitting into empty space
because I've walked away
you think you can  replace me but you can't replace
Count your self lucky to still be my inspiration
But remember i have my limits too for being disgraced

writing on the backs of eagle feathers
nows and nevers play before my eyes
possibilities stomp and my cries
bleed from my lips as i
breathe in knives

Time seems to drift off listlessly, almost endlessly, almost ending, in one smoothe uncertain movement.
i lower my gaze to realize that the warmth that spreads down my legs is my own blood, draining from my veins. In a softly lapping waterfall stained beautifully crimson. Take in the handle of the blade that my body seems to draw in like a lover- with gentle caresses and a loving gaze. A flush warmth about my skin. my face nearly aglow. It is to those who watch it grim. But barely a smile escapes my lips. When i realize that the protruding hilt is equisitely ornate, crafted from silver memories of smiles, interwoven with platinum hopes i had for our future, inlaid with opalescent ignorance. It's irridescence reminds me of our bliss. Intrigued, i bear the blade and pull it free, loosing a metallic shower of rusted red and liquid iron. And in the split second i have left before after my last breath i expire, i lay my eyes on the blade.It is just as breathtakingly beautiful and forged from what seems all the lies you told to my face. Lies so laced with grace that i, the cynic, believed them in full. Dead, i don't even have time to speak before i fall. But i think
"your betrayal, though painful, is beautiful.

Even if I keep silent, hold the beast back, fail to fan the flames, resist change
There is no stopping the pen in my mind from moving across my metaphysical page
I am writing in my mind, even if I attempt to hold my hand still
And forget the feelings and words
That so seem to have me do their will
“Write me”
“Write me”
When you’re not writing, you’re dying.
The words mock me and yet beg me to do them a kindness
“Pour us out for the world to see”
"Let them come to see you’re not mindless "
And some days it is not the words that I have an aversion to, but the truth that they hold
And so I hold onto them, starve them; hope they die out in the cold
Far reaches of my mind, a place I hope I can manage to fail to find
And others I **** them not out of hate
But for the simple thought
That they all seem to echo an ex-lover’s face
For the thought I sometimes in my mind dare to mutter to her
“You do not deserve to be my inspiration”

I am a poet; you’re just a “proser”
Your words lack rhythm like a deadbeat composer
You’ve got no measure and you can’t keep time
You’d sound a whole lot better as an irate mime
Wait a little longer don’t speak before you spell
Every time you do that you sound like barn animals from hell
Work a little harder; make your words sound elegant
Not like an *** – err – I mean democrat

Assaulted by memories
Like
Carrion birds to carcasses
Remembering your words
But
Somehow still struggling to know whose heart this is
And whose chest or grasp it’s in
If
It’s been ripped free by a maniacal beak
That from the beginning knew that it would speak those promises in truth
Nevermore
Or
If it’s still there locked away in my chest
Like an all too ready rioter’s fist, shaking at the bonds it’s in

such a pity
shame really
you'll never believe the truth
and I'll never know it
because you'll never say it
and I'll never show it
at least not well enough to satisfy you
not perfectly
But perfection's what you ask of me
Perfection is only the man i wish i could be
perfect is the man you only wish you'd find
empty, hollow thoughts that are stuck
inside your mind

I hate what you do to me, but do it again,

simple words but with a lot of weight
words I've said but words i hate
hate i love but wish to end
and end begun at least to  mend
the damage done by words unsaid and spoken
words that left hearts in which they hid,
and mouths from which they came
broken
simple words but with a lot of weight
words I've said but words i hate

I hate what you do to me, but do it again.

My skin
thick like leather but tender
hearts sewn there by sharp needles in the shape
of dual question markes
reversed and entwined like lovers lacking answers
that they beg for
but there they are still embracing
still sown ragged, sore, and deep
and for the pain it took to put them there
I'll not rip out the stitches
that are
the hearts shaped like questions marks
that are part of me

sentiment more often accurate
than i love you
"i lust for you"
or
the words behind the words
(wanna have ***?)

Last night i dreamed
you got a purple heart tattoo

Last night i dreamed
that i still meant something to you

Forgive me for saying so
but you are ******* beautiful.

Talk is cheap but it's not a cheap addiction
payed for every word i spoke with every wound inflicted


withdrawal symptoms: high level of emotional stress, depression, anger and bouts of uncontrollable rage, more depression, bitterness, resentment, trust issues even with the trustworthy, aversion to physical affection despite the craving for it, loneliness, contradictory thoughts and feelings, paradoxes of actions and intentions, silence, and poetry.

I guess my options are to avoid or entertain my addiction
"hello, how have you been, if I'm talking will you listen?"

so much can be said in
ten words, two lines

Lost in too many words
maybe there, but not here

Blood is thicker than water
without water too we die

Three sides to every story
two opinions
and the truth

Best friend
i love you
but how,
i know not.

you celebrate something you believe you couldn't possibly have in high school.
cupid's arrows, sweet sentiments and chocolate kisses (not hershey's)
all to say three words you don't believe in -  yet
I remember a massacre on this day another year
and i don't mean when al eliminated the  competition for biggest badass
i mean a year ago. 2011.
you said i love you to me but you couldn't believe it
said you mean it but how could you, see it's
a contradiction and my affliction is trying to reconcile your actions to your actions
trying to make sense of what happened
still can't. but still can't stop
i guess i'm a man addicted to what he doesn't have and hasn't got.

shocked when i realize it's not fictitious i'm vicious, vindictive
not that i have a choice in this
woke up on the anniversary of a massacre
broken up but still can't stay mad at her
can't spit venom from my lips at the girl with those lips i once kissed
but i can seethe at the thought of who she replaced me with
woke up this morning it was raining on the 'tines
mind filled with bitter twisted lines
"i'll **** him if they kiss in the rain"
threw the thought away so it wouldn't show om my face
put a face on the same way i was replaced

still being busted up makes me want to throw up
gonna bottle it up til i blow up
resentment i resent just fills me up
i hate being bitter it just burns me up
got all these people telling me i just need to look up
but the storm clouds in the sky they'sve got me shook up
sitting here believing everything happens for a reason but still thinking i'm a ***** up
i am quiet right here i am shut up
just gonna bottle it up til i blow up
just gonna bottle it up til i


                                           p              l
                                                ­          /               o
                               x            \           /               /            d
                                    \
             ­       E                           \      /              /      /               e
                         \              \
                                                ­                   /            /             /
                               \             \                 /             /          /
                                 \            \    \         /              /        /
                                  

                            ­         \             \ \     /             /         /
                                                     \ \ \ \/ / / /

too far, too gone, a genius
too blind or too dumb i should have seen this
coming.
like the nightmares for four months
woke up crying but your assurance
kept me close and coming back
in fact, never left because i lack
the ability to overcome my love and loyalty
still, in denial that you toyed with me
still, if ther's anyon's toy i'm glad to be
it's yours
(you sit me back on the shelf of the toystore)
one day maybe but not yet i'm sure.

Never understood
never was fake enough to pretend i could
begin to believe what a doubter would
not be able to, i'm aching to
laugh when you say it's breaking you
because you walk like you're the princess i was begging you to be to me
painted smile, fake face - it's just diplomacy
give the public what they want to see even if it means
because the perfect image your public mobs and martyrs me

manipulate and mishape, mold and miscommunicate
conversations with words like bombshells
wrote a letter with words i'm sure hurt like hell
bit the cap off my sharpie like i pulled the pen from a grenade
wrote beautiful words but they were filled with hurt and pain
i might find solace in lament
so i'll serenade you tonight again
but tonight won't be a love song like i sang you then.

not misunderstanding or deflecting
misdirecting or rejecting the facts
not one to deny when I'm wounded
confounded, just one to drown it in hot wax
created in a crucible and tipped back
****** down like coffee that's jet black
what you gave me to swallow
i forgive but can't forget that
This is an anthem of the silent
did you hear that?
I forgive you what you did but can't forget that.

Have the ***** to face me
if like a coward you erase me
from your memory
do not run scared like a fleabitten *****
(i never could believe you were like this)
if like a civil war surgeon you rip out every stitch
of me
from your memory
look me in the eye
tell me that what you do is not a lie
show me you have the strenth to do it
because i don't have it, can't find strength like that
look me in the eye and prove it

(she couldn't do it.)