I am not a mistake.
I am not heartache or heartbreak.
I am not just a face.
I am not just these words on a page.
I am not that easily erased.
I am not just a shape.
I am not misshapen.
I am not a mistake.
But i am mistaken.

a man can olnly be so real
i do my best to be transparent
nearly always end up translucent
in the blending of black and grey i lose it
greay fog choking out the music
hear only wind not the voices that it carres
thought for **** sure that with our promises we married
ourselves to a future despite the hellfire we'd have to walk through to get to it
but it's apparent that what was apparent was not the truth
even after you quit it,  i can't quit loving you

tonight your beauty brings me pain
smile not like hail(hell), like rain

but like the fourth under torrent
when your sister "as a joke"
did us a favor, locked the back door
pouring rain, we had to walk through
lingered as long as we could without suspicion
kissed more deeply than i ever could have imagined
let cold drops of liquid dreams roll down our skin
but we were warm entwined and right where we were supposed to be
all those moments when we had
realized that we wouldn't mind at all
if this clishe of romance would
transpire between friends became lovers
no one can take this from us
the day our outlines melted away
into nothing, in the rain
returned soaked and feigned
anger as best as i could
with a smile on my face

turn my talisman between my fingers
a ring, an eagle, with silver feathers
though tattered they are
most days i turn the tarnished bird to face me
for the strength, to soar on wings like eagles
today, i turn it away
not because i am unselfish
but because
i don't care enough to need it

I sit in a church pew, keep quiet
think ideas outrageous enough to ...start a riot
most men swallow only truths that are shallow
ideas that are not to be questioned because they're hallowed
the scared, the weak, and fools fill up the building
ears closed to the message behind the words that they are shielding
blindly, willing to throw their bodies to the flames
for higher truths that lift the rope to where they're hanged
They say that truth is black and white, i guess they didn't see it blend
like blood and sweat on a heretics skin - to the Jews-  he was a heretic to them
guess they haven't realized eyes that never really try to see may as well have always been blind
guess your truth is easy to find
I've seen them lay it in your hands, those half ignorant red-faced men in pulpits in the heartland
They've got a lot to say, and i take it with a grain of salt
but God himself said test the spirits - go a little deeper, walk the walk
so wrap your mind around the words and what they really mean
let the truth and the heretic that brought it be your king
i am
advocating heresy

your body is a temple
too many times I've taken time
to try my skillful hand at desecration
Heretic!
i scream into my own face
in the mirror
used to be I'd think myself better
than this
the truth always comes out
even if you try to hold it in your fist

Four ropes
so often i find myself fighting to forget
and just as oft i am begging to remember it
stiff, standing on my promises, not swaying
but in my mind the wish to run is staying
I know what it feels like to be
drawn and quartered

I gave you a glance
said a shy hello
spontaneously erupted into smiles
walked away with a new friend
spent countless hours, days, months
together and on the phone, talking
building dreams

and now
I am unsure
If you're standing still
or walking away
and if it means
anything

A word the opposite of it's concept
flawed, broken, incomplete,
unable to share what the word should be,
the word comes out
perfectly

I am willing to bury the hatchet
even if it's in my chest
but let's not walk forward under false pretense
you said for both of us it's best
but we are both falling apart
you with a smile on your face
and I, with an axe in my heart

I am doing my best to listen intently
but i am spinning, swimming
in my thoughts
dizzy
not sure what I've got
what you've left me with
you are hiding your face
for shame or for snickering
i am lost in deciding
turn my eyes back forward
to parallel the fake face that never left

You could have heard
The wingbeat of a wingless bird
I was frozen in place
Stiff, with a stone for a face
Legs heavy as mountain sized blocks of granite
Probably not a force on this planet
Could have moved me, at least I doubt it

After all the hate you’ve radiated
All the silence you’ve created
I am welded to the wall at my back
Not strong enough to
Take the two steps that it’d take to
Walk over and sit next to you
Tell you how many things
I wish that I could take back
But you do the thing I can’t
The last thing I think you’d want
You get up, walk, take two steps and stop
Sudden.
Sit facing me
A face I never thought I’d see
Look at me again
Especially not with that spark in your smile
It
It always told me when
Your smile was real

My eyes trace
Every inch of your face
In glances
Glances like the dances
Of shadows chased away by midnight
Broken by firelight
Yours trace mine

I take in the complex mix
Of tears hiding in your eyes
Shifting glances sliding by
Subtle smiles bursting I
Think I see a remnant of friendship
Hoping just a little bit
Hoping for a hope, that’s it
Think the (soft ,strong, wavy, weak)
Punctuation of our voices when we speak
Reveals it almost perfectly

I chew on every word I hear
With every word I speak
And the whole time we’ve been talking
My heartbeat has been shaking my rigid body loose
Stone skin sloughing off
As if I were a cement snake
(I feel like a snake)
(in the background)
(and in the background I think)
(this might be the feeling that makes)
(both our smiles sneak off our face)

We speak in broken sentences
And repeat ourselves
And speak in
Broken sentences
It sounds to me like
Words begging to be heard
Being heard again
Again
But for the first time

Rough
Scarred knees
Kneeling
In silence
On hard
Dead
Ground

Whispering
Silent prayers
By the touch of his knees
Flesh upon dirt
Flesh upon flesh
Intimately whispering
Secrets to the ground

IT
Will keep them
The air
And
The lips of
God
Will whisper them
In silence
To the world

When Amber just as gold is measured worth
And gold’s no longer shiny through the dirt
When beauty isn’t seen within the earth
And not being gold then doesn’t bring hurt
Then beauty is found flowing from tree’s girth
And words from lesser stone are always blurt
“Beauty in the simple is always found
Yet out of simple beauty comes no sound”

The riders come on horseback strange
The days are coming; soon will change
The four horsemen that come in night
One pale, one dark, one red, one white
And each will bring a plague derange

Now listen well and preludes hear
The coming of the horsemen’s near
The blood of God, our only hope
The riders come…

The first is white and wields a bow
The second, red, is war we know
The third is black and steals our food
The last is pale and kills our brood
Each plague when comes will bring us woe
The riders come…

Brightest
Finest
Sweetest
Softest
Standing there; the brightest, finest sight
Contemplates the sweetest, softest night

Miasmic clouds strewn through the air
Inside our minds
A wishing well
Such things have known
Much hail and storm
Insanity thrown through the clouds
Could show us when and show us how

Could clouds answer me or will I
Live depravity
Out of water spring my feet
Under clouds
Dive my leaf; to the ground so
Soundlessly

I can’t write a limerick for crap
Now I want a mocha Joe frap
But burger king is far
As most fast food joints are
And now I don’t have time for a lap

I’m blue, unfeeling, bathing in haze
A lonely vision on the edge of the surf
And in the edge of my gaze
I’m not sure what they are
Wispy ellipticals foam over the
Dancing crystal surface
Are they eyes?

It seems like they’re staring
At the salt as it glistens on my face
Weaving my fate with jerky glances
As uncertain as my entranced heart

I can’t see the color or
The washed out one they
Used to be
I don’t know if I love or
Hate their mesmerizing glance or
If I hope to break their faded edges,
Lines

The waves whisper and
Wishes of moments where I knew their beautiful hue
Crash back into my mind

Shhh. . .
The waves put a finger to my lips

I know what color I wish they were. . .
Autumn
It was autumn and the ocean waved goodbye. . .

I am two fools, I know
For loving and for saying so
I am three fools, even four
For thinking so of two before.

I believe in miracles because i live them
so many happen in my life with me too blind to see them
but they say hindsight is 20/20 and as they pass me by
i wonder how i could have missed them, i mean i do have eyes
its so plain, so obvious that you my lord have been at work
but i have been so shortsighted, i guess drowning in my hurt
trying to tread water for three months just to breathe
took me far too long to realize it wasn't what i need
it took me far too long to realize that you make miracles from tattered pieces
a patchwork quilt, far too grand to see from two feet away
but i try to see it from here anyway
thinking that I've got it all figured out
that you've handed me every piece
i was never before so wrong in my life
..............so........................
Thank you Jesus

Happy Valenetine's day...
massacre i mean.

Faith
like a mustard seed
but
its
sprouting

i'm writing on the backs of broken dreams
hows and whys echo, they're my screams
you see, it's been weeks, months, and all of these things
your promises, your smiles and all they mean
are so indefinable, yes they're blurred to me
and i want so hard so much to believe
that  with everything you were unsure of
you were still so sure of me
that you just couldn't admit it
that you wouldn't just give up and quit it
that you couldn't believe everything you were saying
that doubting is as easy to you as praying
is becoming hard for me
because when i look up
it's nearly impossible to see a grander plan
its like
my belief in God is nearly as strong as my belief in man
but my belief in how good he is
is shaking, nearly breaking, even making
me indescribably angry
because
if he was good how could he do this to me
how much pain can really have a happy ending
how much must i brave
how close must i come to the point where i would cave
to see the beauty in the blade
i feel cascading through me
leaving a hole so deep
that when i look through it
i don't see thin air, i wish for a bullet
a single one and the gall to use it
the end this, because i'm sick of it
i do not want to just exist
if this for me is all there is
if i among all of these cannot live
oh, but i wish sometimes that i could do it
but every time i indulge in the images i just know it
i am spineless, that i am alive will show it
that ,
and that i keep my promises

want to know why i act heartless?
because i gave you my heart,
you crushed it and kept it.

they say
things are not always what they seem
but it seems like that's the truth

It's just not as easy
for me to stop loving
as it is for you to say
there's no way you could love me

just a few steps away
and by chance our eyes meet
so i smile
and the second it takes for you to look away
for your eyes to fall
to the floor
i swear i see it all

i seized the day but it broke my fingers to break my grip
i didn't have the strength it took
to dig in and hold onto it
see, time has a way of making fingers frail
and just how many seconds it takes to make them breakable you
never can tell
but if, like they say
those whose hearts beat fastest live longest
then by the hold you have on me, my heartstrings
I'm immortalized immortally

I write so my demons don't consume me
with a pen in my hand they flow through me
i turn my demons into ink so fluidly
that all they can even begin to speak is smoothly
my demons think they've got me beat
but with my text i break their teeth
disarm my demons with my metaphors
i slit their throats with my pen and they fall bleeding to the floor
flay them open with my similes
like wounds cut open to release disease
and spread their skin like butterfly wings
and with precision and delivery
pin them here for you to see

see
my demons flow through me like ink through a pen
so i pick up their cage and i confine them
put the cap back on and snap it into place
i might look calm but there are demons beneath this face