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From where i sit
in this puddle of memories
my instincts feel like
the vague words
that form prophecies
of yesterday

"Run !" they screamed (they meant far and fast)
And when i failed to , she did not.
"Break!" i heard breathlessly exhaled in a yell ( they meant everything)
And where i was weak adhesive begging to bond, she was volatile nitroglycerin  
"Forget what it could do to her" ( I longed to much more than i ever understood)
And where i remembered, she removed.

Instincts.
Born not of anything i could see.
For sure i thought, Paranoia.
But No.  
Something in me saw sure.
when i could not to myself admit
the deadly damage she was capable of inflicting
  
But were this damage to turn to not be irreperable  
I will have been ecstatic to ignore my instincts
Though fool it might make me
If again i near involuntarily ignore
for unbelievable ideals.
Mar 2012 · 486
I wish
I wish
I could
Fix it
Be your prince
You my princess
But i know it's
No use right now
But that doesnt stop me from
wishing, wanting, waiting, hoping, hurting, hating
to make all our promises a reality
for you to stop pretending that youre over this
for things to change but doubting  
that they can
because they haven't
but i can't change it
This will probably take several edits to get right. any feedback will be appreciated.
each word in the comma separated line corresponds to the same line past it. also they can all be taken to correspond to every line past them. which adds quite a bit more of meaning
Mar 2012 · 665
It might look like...
I might look like
ive got a dagger and a dirk
on in each hand
ready to stab deep, to hurt
might look like
ive got fangs that drip venom
but venom's not in em
It's a vicious cocktail
of hurt and hope
might look like
to my temple or to yours
ive got a glock
but i dont and that
tick tocking sound is not
a gun cocking it's a clock
winding down in my memories
because i'm stuck remembering
and reliving them
so i hope it's relieving to know
it


might look like
i wish you dead before i go to sleep
but what i wish is you were next to me
I won't say i told you so unless the words are I love you
and it's because you finally believe me.
Mar 2012 · 672
I won't say I told you so
My heart broke for you but you wouln't believe it
I heard he hurt you and I'd already preconceived it
and told you so, but i won't say i told you so
I've never been that guy. you know.
Little bits of feeling shaken loose by friendly i love you's
This is how it happened last time. took a long time.
But it snuck in and broke loose all preconceived notions of
"this is all we could ever be"
it was scary the first time but this time it's horrifying
and i promise "mi sol" that it's nothing against you
it's just i've had a world ripped apart by a best friend before
and i do not know that i want you to have that power
because before, the person i least expected to abuse it, misused it.
and maybe used me.
Mar 2012 · 588
Sorry
I realized tonight
that i am sorry
when i don't have anything to be sorry for
but you
Mar 2012 · 470
Desktop Post-it Poetry
so many sleepless nights, so many days i fight.
and when the mornings rise, come find the truth in my eyes.
Hey watch this,Babe i got this
backflip it and stick it
like a ninja i'm acrobatic
you want it back but babe you just cant have it
i rock around your feelings wreaking havoc
roll around in the poison looks your'e shootin me
but it don't burn cause i'm dressed in hazmat
You got that?
Babe i got this.
Mar 2012 · 501
I Nightmared.
I dreamed, i had a dream, i nightmared
Live and awake and i dare
to speak when
like twilight burned bright
in passing of night
turns dim again

I was so in a haze
i didn't know what a haze is
so in a haze
i didn't know what day it is
so take a pleasant walk with me
one overfull of clarity
Come!
Won't you relive my hell with me?

The two minutes and thirty seconds after i awake
Gears not engaged - i had no hope then
my reality broken
by one that for those moments seemed so solid
in sleep even the wise can be fooled without knowledge
even our instincts can fall asleep
not recognize the illusion slipping like sleet
through cracked senses
like sight misses midnight
blue walls surrounding me
like hearing misses everything so i hear only stillness around me
like touch misses warm cotton sheets and heat
I am dancing madly in my restraints
I am a lunatic, entwined sensually, with misery and my mistakes
Mar 2012 · 390
wishful thinking
a day to remember and never to forget
because of what came of it
and when one day we know it's right
God will restore and we'll love in his light
(3-4-11)(3-4-11)(Skittles <3) (Skittles) (i purple!)(i will always love you) (in my <3 flutter/ you flutter<3 flutter<3/ still my beloved) (written on an index card colored black, blue, and purple)
Mar 2012 · 385
Things I've done and been
I have been built and i have been broken,
I have spoke and I have left unspoken,
I have stood tall and fallen on my face,
I have been the pride of others and I've been disgrace,
I have held strong to home and I have wandered freely,
I have been a mess and a masterpiece,
I have hated myself and I have loved myself,
I have been me and I have been someone else.
Mar 2012 · 320
wish turned to dust
you're talking about walking over broken glass:fast
your past it lasts - no matter if you want it to or not
if you don't or if you got it under control
you feel like you hold it all in one hand
like you're an man and no one can
change a thing
that you wish
but your'e wrong
as it all turns to dust
Mar 2012 · 688
asunder, by another
Broken together or broken apart
at the start my heart
is torn asunder
my lover torn from me by another
Mar 2012 · 515
"Hi"
There she stood
and in her hands was my heart
and in her heart were my hands
and there i was
staring into her eyes
and her eyes stared into mine
i looked closely and i
saw my soul swim freely through the sky
the only thing that i could say was "hi"
I hope that you are entertaining angels unknowingly
because all the hate that you're showing me
if shown to them would end in your disintegration
cause i'm betting angels are somehow not this patient
you can call me mercy but even i hope you get what you deserve
cause if you don't you'll never learn
It's all for your own good
Mar 2012 · 574
one more line
I can't tap into any feeling
all i feel is what i'm seeing
and just i know i'm barely breathing
because in my wandering i am slowly dying
but in my walking i am death defying
one more, one more, step at a time and
one more, one more , day i'm alive -grand
on the outside
just
just
one more
one more line
(the words to make me fall or climb, each word a step, a breath of mine)
but still not knowing, i am lost in just moving)
the last line - in parenthesis - was too long to fit on a single line
He is above understanding altogether.He is the greatest mesmer. Always. Ever. A mystery. Above rationality by countless staircases. Square on the ground but floating and flying. In front of me. Behind me. Adjacent and in between. In places that don't even exist.  A single thing. Higher and greater than the highest and greatest. He made himself lowest for the low and the nameless. Making many a face for many a faceless man. Changing the unchangeable by changing into human skin. His name is Jesus. He is the illuminating dark.He is praised by songs that don't even come from lips. He speaks the language of the universe.After all the universe is language. Likely in verses. "Let there be light" he spoke the words and they were. The universe is language and it's speaking simultaneously. I am drowning in him, not even wanting to breathe, sliding fluidly through a 3D crystal sea that seems to breathe. Surrounded as far as the eye can see, farther than the edge of my dreams. It is kissing me awake and madly maddening me to sleep. He is looking at me lovingly. They are romancing me.  A sea of black boxes. Black boxes the colors of rainbows. Thick and smoothe like molten marshmallow, flowing overhead and underfoot, i am begging to be ambushed by their undertow. Square and solid black boxes that flow,like two  synchronized streams, in velvet synchronicity, a marriage of both extremes, This is paradox in reality. I am pleading to be painted oblivious but i don't know, maybe i am jaded by invisible star-songs, not even knowing I've spent my life humming along. I'm lost in the knowledge that i do not know. Letting my spirit marvel breathlessly at the breathtaking beauty of my soul. This is the universe. Un-understood and undeniable.
goal:to express and achieve the surreal feeling of paradox in reality, to boggle, to baffle, to induce thinking, to describe beautifully that which cannot be explained, to accept that in all the sense things make, they don't always make sense.
she moved like the shadow of water
moving with the waves on top of her
rolling my body against her
where our skin touches we lose our outlines
like water and its shadow
Mar 2012 · 507
I invite you into the dark
stand by my side as i step into the shadows
come with me into the dark of my life that none know
i need you to live because without you i couldn't
the darkness consumes me and i need you to consume it
a simple smile or laugh draws me into dreams
utopia is truly where you are it seems
your simple presence in my life is enough
i want to just be with you, in dark, in light, in love
Mar 2012 · 911
Judas
thirty pieces of silver scattered around my feet
he went to hang himself - regret it was i think
Mar 2012 · 404
be broken or break
I'm not trying to hurt you but

you didn't have what it took
you don't have what it takes
with God looking it's be broken or break
with blood on our hands we spoke a day late but
today is the day that we choose to stop playing favorites
and pray them be saved from us and themselves

with cutting words spoken
its break or be broken
with hate in the air
it's be broken or break
Mar 2012 · 858
almost magick
There is something almost magick about your lips
as they smile a smile so big
that it almost shuts your eyes
There is something almost magick about this
and reality is more magical than every fairytale

Ridiculous.
Mar 2012 · 732
Ridiculous
What if i told you
I'm not as sure as you think i am about this
that as magical as this is
a miracle more real than miraculous
that i sometimes doubt this
yes i know It's ridiculous
All i'd ever do if it was gone is miss this
and i never want to even think about an end to this

This doubting is ridiculous.
Mar 2012 · 1.0k
An amorphous entity
I forgot she was broken
words left unspoken leave me stupefied
lost in confusion or lost in lies
the simple fact is on her face
she speaks, she sings, but there is no trace
in the silence

an amorphous entity
bubbles deep inside of me
writhes in what i am not sure
only pieces can i lure
into my view from outside in
an amorphous entity
the feeling deep within
Unidentified emotion- an amorphous entity
Mar 2012 · 1.6k
unrecognized love
here we are and it's
a thunder clap - my heartstrings come undone
being yours is the second best thing I've ever done
second only to living in saving grace
so long ago - i saw his face
and he smiled and started whispering to my soul
telling it, unbeknownst to me
that i was yours to hold
(contains several song names - my heartstrings come undone, yours to hold...and i dont remember if thunderclap was a song i was listening to at the time?)
So have you ever wondered if you are the creator of your emotions? If they are only synthetic? If they are fabricated? and you are just making it all up as you feel?

I sometimes wish i wouldn't dream.

Have you ever wondered if what you feel could disappear in an instant? If you have ever really FELT anything?

It's a scary thought to think that reality is just some sort of a dance, a dance of puppets, in which i am the master of many and the minion of more.
Mar 2012 · 482
I can't believe this
and here i am, and i can't believe this
after all that happened
I said i wouldn't let THIS happen
But it happened
And here i am, I can't believe this
I can't breathe, this
takes my breath away
and when you're in my arms there's no escape
from it
I am helpless
and loving it
and here i am, I can't believe this
I've been dreaming for a month
a dream as real as anything i can touch

I believe it
I'm waking up and you're still here
asleep next to me
here with me in my dreams and reality
And here i am and i believe it

(I never should have believed this)
Mar 2012 · 428
The summer yet to exist
Fireflies danced across your cheek
your smile shined in the midnight heat
we talked for hours and shared a kiss before summer sleep
such dreams of happiness and senseless hopes for bliss
this my dear, is our summer
the one that has yet to exist
I wrote love on my arms
so I wouldn't write scars
It's been five moths since I've been alone
every moment I've been with my phone
God is not in my contacts not me
i made time for those i can see
and now as i separate
for a few moments
I pray that God
will speak in this silence
Mar 2012 · 466
I Need A Ring
my heart aches for you while i wait
for you ive been wishing for a day or two just to
be with you and my heart smiles and my eyes
shine because ive been wishing for a day or two just to be
with you and i dont have to wish because you're
mine and i stopped wishing and stopped dreaming because my
dreams were all coming true i wanted to spend my life with you
always- and i still do and we're still spending and its not ending and i think you
love me too and you're still mine and your eyes shine as your heart smiles as it
entertwines with mine like these lines end betweeen the lines to express what i guess i'm
trying to say is i love you and you love me and i cant believe it but i finally believe that
im awake and one day youll wake up next to me and see- and you'll remember that day i said -i need a ring
Mar 2012 · 1.1k
reminisce, relive.
every breath that comes is a sigh
i mean
when wrote it i thought it and then it dies
will a simple text my hope sinks lower than the floor
and i can't feel straight anymore
im scared out of my mind that this isn't returned
im worried silent that ill relive what I've learned
if i fall to the floor crying will you hear me?
but no, my instinct not to hurt you
by screaming at you that you have hurt me is my shackles
and i torture myself here as i listen to you and you are wordless
stuck, silent at the other end of the phone
while here i am thinking what if
what if she doesn't love me
i can't really breathe
im sorry for the pain this brings
forgive me
Mar 2012 · 469
P.s. One day
i kiss you
and with each drop of rain
our outlines melt away
and with each second passing
i realize it's lasting
i realize that we are melding
in a puddle at our feet
that each drop is colored rich
with hues of you and me
that between us there is nothing
that with each place, each time you touch me
your heart sings in soft notes that you love me
and mine screams that i need you
that i love you too
and i never want to lose you
become one in a moment
we own it, no one can ever take it
if there's a problem we'll fix it
forget the word ending
end that kind of thinking
end it
erase the word ending from your vocabulary
replace it with a glorious second reality
and magically
it will disappear
and our fear
the fear that we're not good enough for love
will melt away
into nothing
in the rain
P.s. one day
rhyme of own it/moment credit to Eminem for getting it stuck in my head.
Mar 2012 · 1.1k
Butterflies Baby
kiss me like Saturday
give me butterflies baby
shocked out of shyness by a single kiss
yes, i expected it to be electric
but i never expected this
intense
we let our passions flow
from our lips and fingertips
our vision is blurry and we're losing our grip
on reality
we're loving blindly
with our eyes closed
and when they're open
when we catch our breath
when i am above you staring down into your eyes
and you are below me gazing into mine
even though it's been hours
it's still like that first moment
when you kiss me like Saturday
i get
butterflies baby

butterflies,
butterflies baby
i need you
i love you insanely
you give me
butterflies,
butterflies baby
when your breath
was against my skin
on my neck
my train of thought
became a train-wreck
derailed
like a spell
was put on me
i think i forgot to breathe
and my heartbeat
had forgotten me
and didn't care if
for a moment
i didn't think
clearly
he,
my heart that is
felt only bliss
not ignorance, no
but your kiss
Mar 2012 · 868
What if?
what if
what if i was always wrong
if life
has always been a half sang song
a crescendo
with a gentle backbeat
the sound of a heartbeat
a gentle end
that slips softly into silence'
leaving only the remembrance
of the last three notes as they breathed their last
easily forgotten in the next ten seconds passed
going back to sleep on the paper forever
a whisper in the mind of a music reader


a conductor
moving to the rise and fall of my breath
what if
what if i was always right?
...
i was always right.

at the last moment
as i perform a masterpiece
i look past the crowd
and there stands the conductor
clapping
and i am gently napping
Mar 2012 · 646
masterpeace
the master's peace is an unknown masterpiece
a ****** scrap of paper
floating across plains-
they are not godforsaken
but the people who walk them have forsaken god
they are wanderers- like me
we all are
and i wondered
i wished that one of us chasing that torn scrap of script
would catch it in our fist
and so on this page i write the secret
forget, then crumple it


[the secret]

[Jesus is the way. he is the light of day. The only real reason to breathe. The hardest thing to hold onto. The only one who can always be trusted to hold you. The answer to all your questions- If only after you die. The scars in his side were for you. If you would stop wandering and look beside yourself you would see his face. If you only cried out, if your soul cried out to him, he would listen. he would hear. he would answer.The only peace you will ever have forever is his peace. The master's peace. It is a masterpiece. Let him paint it in you. Please God acid etch it into me.]
A  toast, to insanity at the hands of love, to ridiculous helplessness that renders all else pointless, to two-way-ten mile bicycle rides in the darkest hour, with dogs snapping at your ankles and your parents possibly killing you in the morning, a toast, to insanity at the hands of love.

she shivered as she walked away
phone in hand
its light an ethereal wisp
surreal and hallucinogenic for lack of sleep
i followed because my phone was dead
i had to be sure she got inside
i had to be sure she was safe
she shivered as she walked away
and even though she says she doesn't know
if she loves me
the stars stared down at us thinking

that the creator had put on a puppet show to entertain them
that if they blinked they might miss something
i didn't want to blink
as the starlight of a single star
in a pale white glow
silhouetted her grin
"this is so unreal"
"even now, i can't help but think you are beautiful"
"if you didn't love me i would try to make you"
"there is no way, absolutely no way..i can't..i don't know what i'd do without you"
she shivered as she walked away
we would talk for hours the next day
this is only the beginning
you shivered as you walked away
i had to take my jacket back
but we both know why you shivered
... that undertone of feeling that
what had happened was meant to...
that night we'd relive in our dreams and daydreams countless times...why?
you shivered as you walked away.
the feeling that you love me
forced and kept silent-made you shiver
we both know why you shivered as you walked away
Mar 2012 · 342
?
?
i am sorry
that t i told you
how to feel
i only meant to tell you
what i hoped


it is from somewhere calm and deep within me
that i say
what happened to us?
i too ,miss the smiles and innocence
miss the laughter,the time we spent
miss so much the simple things
a glance in the middle of everyone
was all it took to make me feel like the only person in the world
what can i do but wait and hope and pray
for a day to come
one where innocence is restored
and your smile...makes me smile too
and your laugh...is as contagious as that first day
where i threw dirt and missed on purpose
could barely keep my eyes away...afraid you'd notice
scared to death you would think i was some sort of freak
ecstatic when it made you happy
to talk almost all night to me
i want to go back
to a life that feels like that memory
i have no perfect way to ask, nor  words good enough to plead
but always will i ask
will you go back with me?

I know it is not as easy as snapping your fingers and moving your feet foward
i know i have hurt you deeply, and i know what it is like, i know that there will always be scars, i know...but above all....i know....that that is what i want most....i can only hope...you want it too...to be friends...and really be friends...this silence..it should only last so long...today.....i would like if it would end...
Mar 2012 · 484
Double edged
evrything looks like a dagger with no hilt and two blades
blade in hand
i reach out
intending to cut
and i do
both me and you
Mar 2012 · 559
Stuck with this feeling
i hate feeling like i am the one who wants this when there should be two.
i hate being the one who is on this side when at least some of the time it should be you.
and so i guess what im trying to say is i hate this anymore
that i keep having instincts that i keep having to ignore
those instincts that tell me that im just imagining what we had
to run and disappear because all im going to ever do
is dream about yesterday and you
the instincts to seperate myself from you and just forget it all
but do you want to know what the worst thing about this is?
it isnt that i hate this feeling
it isnt that i ignore my instincs because i love you
its that i have no idea
if you will ever care for me the way i care for you
and knowing that if you dont
if you wont
which is likely
that i will be crushed and empty
still stuck
with this feeling
Mar 2012 · 738
Regrets
there are two things i regret most.
they are
not realizing how far behind i had left God
and hurting you
Mar 2012 · 672
Dear death,
Dear death,
you are a fickle old man with a sickle shaped grin.
A cadaver cassanova with a scythe shaped smile
please come in and sit a while, let's have a little talk
why are you grinning? ... the clock stopped
wait! what are you doing?! oh it's me? im dying?
where are you going? Don't walk away from me!
you have a schedule to keep? oh, how naive of me to think
that i actually meant something to you
oh, i do? then why are you leaving so fast?
you have to go and me a gift? what is it?
He was going to get all id loved and left.
Mar 2012 · 410
in a way, it's a prayer
words cannot easily express
all that my heart has come to understand
questions cannot easily ask
all that my heart has come to wonder

and so i have been stripped bare before the almighty God of the universe
even i do not know my heart like you do
i am decieved more easily by myself than any other
you know
i can only feel
like i feel
you have made me
human
and sometimes i wish i felt dead
rather than feeling so alive
because pain marks that i still live
Mar 2012 · 336
truth and lies
the truth
and lies
look like
mirror
images
i looked back for a moment
she shook her head her hair fluffed into a ball of ****
fluffy! !!!!!!!
i exclaimed grinning ear to ear
and then i thought about the night before when
she said she wanted to **** her self
my smile died and inside i died too
tears nearly came to my eyes
choked back only because of the crowd
i wish my friends could live and be happy
i wish my friends could live and be whole
Mar 2012 · 704
A party on the beach
gossamer silver rays dance and lurch lovingly across the face of silken smooth waters
liquid heat rears its head on the lonely shore, ducking when i spot it
wandering feet cross tentatively over dull glass sands that scream
dust and sweat fill the lungs of youth that dream
thick woven moonbeams and the rythmic pulse of speakers saturate the air
children in a drunken stupor stumble across the dying embers and don't care
unfeeling, they are lulled to sleep by empty thoughts
bottles slip from their hands and their friends step over them
i hope they can find their way home in the morning
Mar 2012 · 1.3k
Eavesdropping
fine grained grit embedded in pale grey cement
wind over my skin, the grass is moving a bit
voices are just out of reach- whispering things
i just wish i could hear
suddenly the wind dies and slivers of words meet my ears
but only slivers
slivers of whispers
imbed themselves in my skin
thin pieces of word that i wish werent there
"i hate everything, don't talk to me"
It ******* kills me to hear
a cursor on the page as i stare into blank white space
unsure of what i feel and worried it shows on my face
thoughts i cant control invade my mind
the sure instinct or maybe feeling that something just isnt right
its disturbing, unnerving, unsettling-  perhaps
thoughts turned daydream must alway become waking nightmares
perhaps one of these thoughts will be my bunny's death snare
i dont want to let go but if i must
what if, what if, what if
i cant go peacefully
what if against my will she'd die for me
id lie in bed for days but never sleep
dying because killing her was killing me
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