I stood unsteady,
Young feet unready,
To declare the truth of my stance,
I shudder at what I could have become,
Saying I loved what I knew nothing of,
Surfing the deep water,
Filled with monsters,
Thank God He looked down,
And we both walked away,
I swear I'll never,
Lie so softly,
Or even try to care,
For my passions are stubborn,
And will change at their will,
I have learned,
That happiness never hides,
Each time my joy begins to drip,
When I fear my own mystery,
Oh the difference,
To the times I hear my words in others songs,
And seek to sing my own for them.

shame is the great silencer,
you took the words right out of my mouth,
for years
you left me avoiding my own thoughts
chasing circles after myself
you told me
in a million ways

That no one would ever love me,

that being around me was a chore
I should not have bothered you with.

now from a safe distance
looking back looks like ink on paper
a pen is my looking glass
the only thing to turn old scars into
something with more direction
the raised texture on my broken heart and porcelain skin
a map I can't lose
showing where I'm going, where I've been.
reminding me what you put me through,

That i'm not worthless
because you want me less
you don't dictate
how I love myself
you cannot scream a smile off my face
even when I don't know how to respond
to sharp phrases

If I'm leaving
you cannot tell me i'm a disappointment
from such a distance
although your persistence is astounding
and your anger awesome
My endurance is an equal to my ability
to walk away
and  sometimes you
don't have to say a single word
to make a statement.
I never had to cut you
I just let your words cut our ties
and distance
lend me perspective


And just because I do not yell doesn't mean
That I am quiet.
I' am not ashamed anymore
And you can not keep me silent

If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie warn’t a lie,
Life would be delight,—
But things couldn’t go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn’t be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I’d be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn’t be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair,—
Yet they’d all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn’t be we.

I love you,
Like I love the burnt orange on the farthest extremities
Of leaves that fell from the walnut tree
Growing from my memories;
Damp in autumns comforting atmosphere.
The bliss that I experience,
Relearning laughter exploding
from this epicenter
In my chest.
I render every bit of my ability to adore you
From fragments of the things that shined and shone before
I could have said I know you.
You feel like warm sand under my feet,
Like my fathers hand and
Like the best ******* poetry
Slipping out from under my teeth.
Feeling
Like a gust of wind in the pouring rain
Sounding in the soft tones only loved ones have murmured my name
Take it for what its worth, that I have loved before
But not one have I loved more
I admit I love you with every bit that I have
I love you as every soft memory I have ever had.
You are a declaration of self-worth
Spoken to a depreciating world full of angry men and sad girls.
You are the sway in my stride that speaks to self-confidence,
you match every smile I have
With a reason for another,
Every tear I shed fallowed in acknowledging
That” at least we have each other”
So know I love you like the feel of sunlight on my pale skin,
Like moon light shimmering atop dark water,
Like my baby sister’s sprinkling of butterfly kisses
Persistence in the relentless reminders of her admiration,
In every instance of its existing in my memory ,
Lurking within my experience I love you.

Tan and soft as cotton ;tracing
Along my chin; lingering against my lip.
Your gentle caress along my edges
Over each curve every dip .
Singing to every nerve in my delicate pale skin,
Crescendos into sweetest sin.
Smooth eager lips strip away
Distractions, firm against hesitations,
Your mouth is the greatest temptation
I will ever face.
Your face the largest gratification.
Your body the basis for the greatest satisfaction
I will ever taste.
Your energy surges in right rhythm
In right place.
Your raw determination to take me up
To draw me out
And make me…
Come undone at your will,
Implode and spill
all my influences
Across your sun kissed skin,
Tumbling in ,
To open arms,
You pull me in.
I love the way we fit.
I love the way you want to try again.

The last four years .
They carved open my chest
There momentum creating a great expanse
Where I use to find
Myself.
I lost her.
they
left me to
Delve deeper into every
Miniscule bit of my identity,
Alone ,
My nature
Rest somewhere
Between my two fists
And genetics
Heretics , hypocrites, and empty space.
The last four years
Changed my concept of the word
Mother,
Of the word daughter,
Of Twin and Sister,
Of love and
Grand mother
Changed bridges from a way to affection
To the source of affliction
I woke to find
Connection had turned to
Weakness in my defenses
  In the last four years.
I discovered
Loneliness to degrees I had never imagined
Anxiety  heartache
confusion  at there  fullest capacity
I have never so genuinely questioned my sanity
Or had so many people telling me I was worthless
But I discovered the depths of my tenacity and
That sometimes anger is a necessity  
To process loss.
That  sometimes
You need a sharper edge to cut
At deeper ties…

In the last four years I learned
That under certain circumstances you
Need to cry.
That all things become clearer with time
and even when your
Faith to pray dies
You can have faith in the wait
Knowing everything
Will change.

In the last four years I learned
What it’s worth to be happy with your self
I discovered
That the only thing they can’t take
Is how you respond
And being trapped is an illusion
Created out of the sacrifices
you weren’t quite ready to make.
That taking the time you need only means
you love yourself enough to care
More than they did.
And  that even when you can’t pretend
they didn’t say the things they said,
Even when you can’t comprehend
The origin of such sharp words
You can work towards
Proving them wrong,
By getting up and moving on.
Welcoming genuine affections
As a cure for the infection you
Get in open wounds
You can affirm what you already
Knew
all along
And
After four years
You can look in the mirror
And know you are strong
Resilient, a thousand times patent
A hundred times brilliant.
And a million times brave..
And you can tack that up
On the list of things
They Can
Never
take
away

Tell her I miss the mother that stole me from school
So we could get surprise Ice cream cones
Just me and her.
And tell her I miss her

Tell her I miss the mother that said my name just as much as my sisters
And asked about my day at school
And if I had anything to tell her,
And always claim to be the proudest mother.
Tell her I miss her

Tell her I remember exactly when she stopped being super man
Tell her I got older and I understand mistakes
Tell her I can forgive more than most can
But I’ll never understand
Why she gave up on me.
Why she loves me less,
Why she doesn’t care
About these holes in my chest.
But tell her that I miss her.

Tell her I remember when space was not an option
When she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and she
Would be there.
That no one loved me as much no one cared like she cared.
And tell her that I miss her.

I miss you like my bare feet miss
the crunch of fall leaves,
river banks and loose driveway gravel.
I feel like under the weight of your memories
I will come unraveled.
I poses no want for travel
without you to come home to,
home is an empty destination
that place is just your dimming shadow.
Help me,
I see the absence of you everywhere
A shallow echo of the space behind my chest.
There is no rest for the mourning,
and still morning comes to slow.
I just replay old memories like playing in the snow.
Only you know how many mittens never made it home.
Even still you were glad to give them,
and the shoes off your feet,
if it meant you could keep,
a smile on my face.
It is harder every day to think...
You are gone.
Every day feels like more space
between when I was ok
and now.
I fear how hallow tomorrow may be.
there is no light at the end of this tunnel,
I will have to learn to live in the dark,
And remain grateful for
every mark you made
across my heart.