divorce isn't a breakup
it's a death in the family
two hearts too hurt to make up
and it never ends amicably

it makes every word said, every phrase, every promise ever spoken
sting like lies and sting your pride that you believed and they were broken

it takes from you the ability to believe in the beauty of someone special
when you feel like you gave all you had to give and it ended so regretful

it robs you of all your feelings of safety and comfort and home
it takes from you your confidence, your positivity and leaves you positively alone

it creates a deep hate that takes over and makes you fume anger
it causes the caustic sorrow that darkens every tomorrow and makes everyone a stranger

it makes you question your own value, your actual self worth
it makes you feel that you're not good enough to be loved anywhere on this earth

knowing that the person who knows the true you the very best
took a look inside you and chose to pursue one of the rest
the thought holds you down and carves your heart right out of your chest
and it takes back, steals back, rapes away all that made you feel blessed
like you invested all of your time, the very best of yourself and no less
and still failed the test

so you try to stand on two broken legs to walk again on your own
and you stumble into the arms of new friends and try to make a new home
and you search frantically for affection to replace what you've known
but at the end of each night regardless of who's next to you, you are alone

bar after bar, club after party, drink drink drink and take them to bed
trying to drown the remorse and the anger and the longing that fire shots in your head
you will literally try physically to **** your way into someone new's heart
you will become an artist making selfishness and need and self promotion an art

but they don't really know you so how could they really care
true love doesn't become tangible from moans floating through thin air
a love you reap comes from time spent in wonder and in promises you keep
true love comes from the person you're meant to be with seeing that you're deep
and wanting to dive in
to only you
to never surface again
from within you
to breath for the last time on their own
without your heart making theirs beat
to go to war for you alone
with no possibility of retreat

and that hope, that chance of what could come for my life's course
is the only thing I got to keep in my divorce

I am the tiger that hides from himself, eating my stripes to become something else, in a jungle of my own design, where I’m trapped in the thorn vines of enemy time. Yet I, in time may change my views, staying the same by trying to become something new. Like Icarus with wings of wax, until my self-destructive choices made me fall too fast; into a past that seems filled with sorrows. Another crash landing, where I find myself in tomorrow. “Tomorrow” a word that seems deceptive at best. For tomorrow is only a past that I have not lived yet, but the memories will be there, still be piled on the shelves, just another day of wishing I was somebody else.

My hand is glowing
with another cigarette
The ashtray's overflowing
The bottle meant
to ease my pain
is nearly spent
and I'm still going insane

All my life men have told me,
     "If a man rapes a girl she probably asked for it.
      If a man takes advantage of a girl,
      She was probably a tease."
Well men, you can say all the “probably” you want,
   I was a young girl,
   Only fifteen.

Back then I would sit in church clenching my knees,
Hiding the innocence between my thighs.

I longed for that late night Cinamax moment to arrive
When I could taste and moan
Like the forbidden stars
I had watched the night before.

Until one night,
I met a man not to much older than
I.
He talked so sweet and
I soaked it up,
Not realizing his full
Intention.

I followed his lead
He lead me to a private room to “make out”.

He kissed my neck,
His hand slowly moved up my shirt.

I stepped back not sure of what
I should do.
I nervously slipped the shield of cotton over my head,
He placed his hands over my young breast.

A few minutes past…

I am left only in a pair of *******.
His shirt removed,
He unzipped his jeans.
    I could feel where
His wondering ***** was about to go, and
I said no,

I said no.

To my surprise
He held my wrist
He crushed the lock to my simplicity,
To my virginity.
He continued to push himself,
In to my barley moist *****.

A huge ****,
What seemed at the time,
But I would later find an average boy
Trying to prove that he was in fact,
A man.

As I said no
I tried to squirm and pry
This uninvited beast from between my thighs.
But the more I fought
The more it hurt
And I found this monster smiling and laughing at the sight
Of my attempt to be free
         At the sight of a squirming me.

Before long
I surrendered to his violation.
  And I blamed myself,
Because after some time of him
Penetrating my innocence and digging inside of me
I gave up.

Now,
My childhood gone,
My innocence ***** from
My ignorant soul,
And I’m left alone.

I’m left alone,
But I’m strong.

I can hear your heart
As we lie in bed together
I'm shocked at the beating
The vibrations so soothing
But a monster is the owner
He's a user
A heart breaker
and the biggest liar I've ever met
But when I lie with him
And I feel his heart
I think for just a moment
Maybe he's human
Maybe his heart is his
And perhaps I have a chance to steal it.