I'll be the first to give you what nobody gave me
I do my damndest to love you, but only one love can save me
and the same is true of you
I want to look like that
I'll be the first to run as hard as I can even after the fact
II'll let you walk on me even if it means I cannot breathe
I'm loving you better than I can even love me
And i fear that that will have to change
No I'm not selfless, at least not too long
because soon i look up from down and i'm too far gone
I've been told i can't live like this, Can't love like this
that it would run anybody into the ground
You've told me that the only way i could even begin to love you
is to have silence right now
so i swallow my heart, choke it back down to my chest
I will be silent, you will have your rest
I will not make a sound
but i will not bow,
to foolish ideas that i never loved you then,
and that i do not love you now

I've believed I gotta give up  my soul to gain it
I am as broken or more than the faces i've painted
Can't pretend any longer
that self hate is sacred
I would have swallowed the truth sooner if i liked how it tasted
so i am noticing here that there has to be a balance
the truth must lie somewhere in the middle and i will have it
if i have got to pull out all my teeth
I will rip my tongue out
if that is what it tastes like
to gain the privilege of speech

yup me too.
But of course i can't say that right now.
And even if i did you probably wouldn't ever believe me.
And even if you believed me you probably would begrudge me for it.
So i sit here.
Quiet.
Or mostly so.
And i hate the fact that i can not say THAT.
Of all things so simple.
I love you so. You're gorgeous. I know.
But would you have it, would you hear it?
well of course not. Hell no.
This has thrown a wrench in my mission.
The entire intention i had for our friendship is being dissembled.
In the silence I am reminded of all the sounds of clanging symbols.
If we have not love, what are we?
Well i have it, but i cannot say it.
What does that make me?
A quiet symbol? Or a song more beautiful than anyone could resemble??

i'd bet i often have a colour,
and often more beneath a cover,
not so much to deceive but to avoid,
that i must not with every man or woman that come by
address that which causes me to behave as a chameleon
nor specifically to you yourself, for you are the cause of this particular hue,
this mix of reds, purples, greens, yellows and blue,
spotted like scales upon my skin,
so well enough veiled across me that i cannot see myself for the veil
nor answer my questions for the answer themselves
or the questions

When you give one rib for every woman you ever love
Eventually all you have left is your spine.
I don’t know whether to forget this and brush it aside
Or to just say I am tired and continue to let it lie
I guess I’ll find out what I’m made of

What today shall come to light?
What shall break and what shall bite?
What shall mend or what shall fall,
what shall rise, and what shall call?
Today will illuminate,
whether it obliterate or masticate,
whether it heal or whether it fly,
whether it fall, or whether it beckon,
in much, today, the light shall reckon.

I have been at rock bottom
the beauty of it  is that it was there
that i found the rock
the one i can stand on
i can't fall any lower
i wiped the slate clean
i prioritized my lovers
he picked up the pieces
rebuilt my heart from the rubble
filled the cracks with cement
he said what he meant
and he meant what he said
my heart is alive
and not just my head,
he is everything to me,
that i couldn't feel when i was dead.
he is rock steady
and i want to rock steadily
heading where he sends me readily
i can't wait to live the things he's imagining
I mean, he had the audacity (thankfully)
to imagine me.
he loves me incredibly
this ground is so solid
there is nothing to discredit me
rock, steady. rock steadily.

I can't tell if this is a new wound or an old one
i can't tell if these are lies or if i told them
i can't tell if the sky is blue or green
i can't tell what i do or do not mean
i cannot tell that i cannot tell
i must have let it slip
i do not know that i do not know
oh now i do, oh ****.