I felt like the sea.
waves of emotion, turned,
tides inside of me.
Shells scattered shores and hid beneath the waves,
yells, and places torn, and water beaten caves,
salt tears overflowed from places in the deep,
my blood still swam through me, despite  my slight heart beat,
i buried inside the crimes,
bodies lay where i lay, as i killed from time to time
but loved i also many, though many were not mine
I felt like the sea, powerful, and powerless,
i ever run and ever rest,
waters violent in my chest
i suffocate and became escape
a place where deep trenches hide deeper dreams
and some have become nightmares afraid of what they mean
I felt like the sea.

I finally got up
out of bed
to wash my face and get a drink
my throat was dry
i couldn;t think
i could taste the salt that ran down my face
my eyes, sea green
perhaps to reflect the turbulent waters beneath
I felt like the sea.

she said she didn't mind hanging out
we had had plans
and then we had an argument
and so when she just "didn't mind"
i sure as hell did. it hurt. made me angry.
so i was trying to avoid her.
and i ran into her.
she came over to me - hugged me. said hello.
then she started avoiding me the very same day.
i wonder if for her that moment snapped something.
i wonder if she could even tell that i was in the middle of a panic attack
i wonder if she could tell that not only could i barely breathe when i hugged her
but that i choked back hot tears
only mostly successfully
a few leaked out
they were too heavy

when all the emotions settle to the floor of my chest
it is then that i tire to take another breath
it feels like a chore to draw just one more
i had no idea that i had given you this power
and now, because of how i hurt you, how i did away with everything
how i had a hell of a way of showing that youve been a blessing to me and i love you
you cant even tell me what i am to you
but im **** sure not your friend
i wish i was
but friendship isnt currently an option
ill take what i can get
whatever that is
and right now thats silence again

I've already thought about taking all the pictures down.
but i keep them up so i'll have to feel each stab
of regret at my ignorance and my explosion
if only i had known what i know now then
maybe i could have saved this
maybe i could have avoided being the man who hurt you the most.
now all i am is a ghost.

I hang on every second
for even a sliver of perspective
a word, anything to tie me to you
something to say that i haven't lost you
a look even,
my chest feels like it's got a boulder on it
my hands are shaking
every time i hear the sound of a message
i secretly hope its you
i gave my roomate all my knives and sharp things to hide
no more scissors in the bathroom
that spare compass somewhere put away
i swear my remarks were never meant to cut you
and knowing that i did, how bad i hurt you
makes me feel like i deserve those slices
a few too many pills
the exploration of an artery
but i told you id change
that id be a different man
that i was overcoming
that i put the knife away
along with the ****
and i'm trying
i'm fighting
i'm tired
but i'm not done til i lay down
i'm not giving up on this
even though friendship is not an option right now

When you ask me how I am doing, I might say I'm doing okay, or fine,
I might reply with an eh, or a meh,
But there's a lot of thought and question when you ask me
Because a lot of the time I don't know what okay means anymore
I might shrug and avoid your question because i don't want to lie
I might hide behind an "i'm making it" or an "i'm doing"
Those usually get me off the hook pretty easily.
What i will not do it tell you that I am fantastic when I am struggling each moment.
I will not lie to you.
So when you ask me how I'm doing, what I say will probably depend on how open i feel that day . It will probably depend on how much i can handle thinking about everything that's going on. How much i can share without breaking down in public. There is a lot that goes into keeping even a sort of smile on this face.
Don't ask unless you care, truly care, and don't judge me until you've been in my place.