I see you in the face of every broken child

I hear you in the whistling of the wind out on the cliff

I see you in the wilting roses that sit by your grave

I hear you in the crashing waves down by sea

But do you see me
out on the roof, staring up at the stars just hoping to find you

do you hear me
on the hills above our house, screaming into the distance just wishing for another chance


you don't
do you

because you fell
despite my effort to hold you up

you let go
when the world got to tough
and it pushed you to far

...

you let me go

He was silent
consumed by the rhythm of music

His eyes were full of passion


He had this idea that he was inlove
but the girl he was falling for didn't feel the same

His emotion controlled him

He pushed everyone else out of the way
to try and catch her

but each time,
she would slip away

When he finally broke
no one was there to catch his pieces

so he fell
harder than before

and when he wasn't there anymore

she noticed his silence
and fell in love

I'm getting lost in a sand storm
of bad decisions
and bad ideas
...

I fall asleep
to the sound of my own voice
murmuring twisted thoughts
into the spaces
in my brain

i am a mess
...
trouble is a word i find myself connected to a lot lately

i'm making bad decisions that i know are bad but i don't have the emotion to care about the consequences.
.
when i wake up, the day ahead seems so unbearable and a feeling of numbness washes over me
...

i am lost

i am lonely

i just want to move on but i feel so bolted into place

you broke me

with every word

that flew from your mouth


with every kiss

that you lay upon me


i was falling apart

piece by piece


but you didn't pick me back up

and mend me back into place


you just watched

thinking it was an act


thinking that i would be okay

i'll linger

in the sun haze that sits upon the dust brushed flowers


i'll drift

through the glimmering water that flows so carelessly

...

will you

fly with the wind out to open skies

,

dance with the trees as they bend and sway

...

or will you stay

and live on

in this mediocre life

,

will you stay

and follow rules

with no second thought


it's up to you

be free
in a world of unique

or be a someone
in a world of billions

He was invisible
to everyone but me

His head hung low
and his legs never stopped

He didn't speak because he thought no one would hear him

He didn't look because he knew no one would be looking back


but i was

i was waiting for him to speak so he knew i could hear him
i was waiting for him to look so he knew i could see him

but he never did

so i watched
and waited
-
observing
...

some days, i would catch a glimpse of his eyes
they were so dark
so haunted
so afraid

other days, i would only see his shadow, right before it turned a corner and then he was gone


-
i craved to know
what exactly this boy
to afraid to show his face
was scared of

so i searched
-
i needed him to know
that i could see him
...
to know
that he wasn't alone

but then i saw him staring me dead in the eyes
and
a heartbroken mess blew up inside me

because i had seen
what i feared so deeply

and i felt every inch of my body aching all at once

because he was fading
and soon not even i would be able to see him

...
i was to late

she watched
,
listened
...
but never spoke


she thought that by making herself invisible

she could stay away from it all
...
away from the lies
,
the truths
,
the sadness
and
the regret
...
she thought she was better off that way
-
she thought she was actually alive


soon

she grew so lonely
,
not even my company was enough

and i tried to tell her

"if no one can see you, your not really alive"

but she carried on

ignoring the signs
that told her stop
,
the signs that asked her
to leave the thoughts behind
,
the signs that told her
she needs to live

and i could feel the very moment
she began to doubt it all
...
the very moment she truly let go

-

after that
,
i knew i couldn't stop her
-
for it was all in her head

and her head chose to ignore her heart
...
to ignore me

.

i always thought that i could change her

but
then i met a wise old lady
who told me
"you cannot change someone, who doesn't want to be changed"

and it was hard for me to except at first

i just didn't understand

why she chose

death over life.

but as the year's went by
there wasn't a day where i wouldn't be thinking about it
...
about her
,
my dear friend

and it must have just clicked
because i finally understood

that i couldn't have saved her
nor could have anyone else
...
it was her choice
and that was that

The last of the sun shining upon her face

Her eyes open and close to the view of darkened water  

Bubbles rising to the surface

As her lungs release what’s left
of the sadness inside her

‘Oh,
Beautiful earth
...
Take me someplace better’

Some nights
I listen
:
to the slow hum of distant cars
,
to the loud buzz of lingering insects
,
to the intense pounding of my thoughts

:
sometimes I even get caught in the sound

I let it take me away

I let it consume me
so that I don’t have to be alone
with the silence

I watched you slip away
Into the shadows
Every time
Not knowing where you went

Until I followed you
I saw your world in my eyes
Oh, How spectacular it was

You were so free

And for the first time in my life
I wanted what I couldn’t have

I wanted what you had
I wanted you

you ask
and ask again if I am okay

and I say I'm fine because saying that I'm not is to hard

...

3 suicide attempts
30 intentional scars
100 ruined relationships

is what it has taken for me to realise I am not fine, I am hurting

I want to be saved
I want to be healed

I need something that makes me want to not let go

...
days blur into weeks
thoughts cloud my head
,
its all to much

I am
overwhelmed
confused
;
beyond repair

If a child is all you see in me

than so be it
thats your loss rather than mine

for you have chosen not to look deep enough into my soul

to where the wild flowers grow
and the secrets are bottled up tight


You have not taken the time to appreciate the human being I have come to be

The one with the scars on her ankles
and the bruises on her knees


My soul tells the stories I'm to afraid to say

but the respect of another can unleash them all

you'll be able to watch them slip away into the sky

only for you to catch them

You'll be left wondering whether her presence has changed you

whether it has changed the way you see the stars glimmering in the sky

or the way you hear every goodbye

I'm standing face to face

with the demon from my past

...

all i can do stare it straight in the eyes
.
it stares back
.

this is the final test
-
to see if i have overcome
what i use to fear so strongly

-
it tilts its head
,
thats when the flash backs begin


they spin

- continuously -

around
in the back of my mind


for a second
i think ill crumble

but i resist

something inside me is stronger
braver
more fearless than before
...
i can feel the motivation build up inside me
...

the demon begins to fade
,
slowly at first
then all at once

-
and i feel free

and lighter

and happier
...
i feel undaunted


i feel new

I'm here
waiting for your death

waiting for your heart beat to drop
and your vital signs to stop

i knew you

i knew every little thing about you

and you knew me

my fears

secrets

loves


but then it stopped

and we went back to being

the ones who walk past each other everyday

and act like we don't recognise

who we are

and it was painful

to see you

pretend i wasn't there

Caged in her own two ribs

she became a prisoner
…
so deprived of hope she’d forgotten how to fight
…
her wings so tightly bound by starving skin
…
she began to remember
what it felt like to be free
-
a flickering glimpse of what life could be
makes her wonder
whether she still has something
within that could let her go

I plant flowers in the darkest part of my mind

and hope that they will grow

I use to believe
that I was the only one
who could see past all the paper faces

That I was the only one
who dared to dream of a life
other than the one that was prepared for me

I believed
That I was human

But then I met you

You showed me that everyone is more than just what I could see

You said
"on the inside
each of us have beautiful unique minds
and troubling hearts"

You proved to me that I can lead whatever life I want

that I can take risks

But most of all
You made sure that I would never stop looking past the paper

Past the lies

From the liver to the lungs
...
it spread like wildfire
.


weakening each cell
as it passed through
.



His
existence
had become a
waiting exercise

He painted her

with colours

that demanded to be

seen