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How
I remember the last day very well.

How happy we were to be away from the rest of them.

How fun it was sitting in your car, and screaming out lyrics to songs we would one day want marked on our bodies.

How we happily giggled and allowed every ounce of insecurity to melt away into the air around us.

How the sunlight streamed in through my windows and covered your golden skin in a thin film of white.

How it felt to kiss your lips.

How it felt to hold you close.

How your body pressed to mine created one continuous aria of love.

How my last words were "text me when you're safe and sound"

How I didn't know I would be leaving my heart in your shirt pocket.

"Will do"


(i. r)
Or
I do not like this phase of a heart break.

When you purposely avoid love songs,
Or sometimes you play them just to make yourself feel like your hearts still pounding.

When the person you loved and hid from every waking soul is brought into a conversation.
Or when he isn't.

When you see other lovers who have made it years without the cruel hand of fate ripping their love from them.
Or when you see they haven't.

When you notice him writing you smaller, casual messages when they use to be breathtaking and beautiful.
Or when he doesn't write at all.

When I ask you if I am pushing you away and you say no.

"Alright, happy birthday! Text me later tonight?"

"Will do"


When every hidden goodbye ends with those two words. And my broken, belittled heart.

(i. r.)
Please don't do this.
I. Can't. Lose. You.
I've realized that
You never really looked at me-
Just through me.

You completely disregarded
My stories and tales
My spectacular (and not-so spectacular) adventures
My music preferences
My favorite things
My love for the sport cricket
My hate of roller coasters
My fear of dying pointless to the world
All the things that make me me

You never made the effort
You never really cared
You never did much of anything, actually
You took my breath away-
Quite literally might I add.
I was choking, and struggling
Trying to take in something
Anything to ease the relentless ache
But you were there like a rock,
Just pressing down upon me.
My heart was bursting
My lungs were cramped
But you didn't let up,
Didn't even consider it.
I felt myself sinking
Under all the burden
Of you, and your words
Your thoughts, and your actions.
Then
Finally
It became too much
And the struggle ended
I sank
Just beneath your feet
Where you'd always wanted me.
So don't cry
Or repent
For my struggle has ended

With the granting of your wish
 Mar 2014 Lover of the light
cg
1) For every great skyscraper, there are petty fingers that built them.
I wonder if we were made the same way.
They were strong enough to raise a hammer, but not enough to raise a family.
I wonder if we were made the same way.
She is cold, and he is drinking, and this is our backbone.
She is alone and he is driving home too fast because sometimes you don't have to be in the wrong place to be looking for the wrong thing.
She is afraid and he is warm, this is the beginning spark of a forrest fire filled with broken glass shattering in broken homes with broken people inside on a broken piece of land in a city that has too much rain for someone to build an emergency room in. Everyone with a burden holds their confessions in their left palm and their beggings in their right and no one ends up having enough arms to hold each other.
2) One day the whole world will be in your hands too, and you'll see that sometimes darkness can blind you worse than the red glare the sun paints your vision when you stare at it with your eyes closed.
You will be brave, you will stand up straight, you will stop being royal when people stop painting Jesus with a purple robe.
Even the concrete asks the sun to make it a garden so try cracking your knuckles a little louder and maybe you will wake up as a mountain.
3) Autumn. When you wrote secrets on notebook paper and taped them underneath benches in the city park, you gave too many pieces of yourself to things that weren't made for holding that much weight.
But you said it kept you honest and there were never any reasons for me to ask you to stop giving away the parts of you I wanted to myself. It kept me humble.
4) I am alone
5) You are October in a green dress with a black mask around your eyes and you have stolen the breathe of that day. And I hope when you are 80 years old you feel a breeze sliding on the back of your neck reminding yourself of all the times it should have snapped in half during the moments of what should have been your hanging, how it takes you back to living life like you're always in the desert and stealing innocent people's money and smoking cigarettes beside rattlesnakes.
I hope you find a beach in the Caribbean that asks to be died on, I hope you learn to forgive people harder than you can cry on their shoulder. I hope you watch a sunrise that you spend the rest of your life thinking about. I feel like for that to happen you need your feet in the ocean or underneath a rocking chair, but I would settle for your bedroom.
6) But with you it was never settling.
It wasn't easy.
To deceive everyone around her
To convince everyone she was perfect.

But she did.

Then
Everything fell apart
The truth came out
The careful web she'd sewn
Torn right down the middle.

It uncovered
A lousy
Mediocre
Boring
Tasteless
Talent-less
Liar
Falling

With No End In Sight

But Suddenly

You're There
10w
Nightmares*
are really just
Dreams
with makeovers
that've gone
dark
10w
Nobody gives a ****
Never did, never will
Would you?
I don't believe you.

Everyone cares about their
image.
That portrayal of self to those
unknown.
Dare anything threaten this
fragile, precariously put together item
and the world stops to help rid itself
of the threat.

Hopelessness
is a threat to perfection
Sadness, despair-
threats to perfection
Anxiety or depression?
Also threats to perfection
Everything that's not
pristine and proper
or bright and joyful
or conforming and obedient
is a
threat

And believe me, you treat it as such.
uhm. help and tips appreciated.
It doesn't seem like much
At least not at first
Just light little lines
Appearing so quickly
Seeming so innocent

But then the blood rushes up
And fills in the careful lines
Steadily in the beginning
But then you realize
That its not going to stop

Now they resemble smudges
A bit like a child's finger painting
Messy and uncontrolled
Varying shades of life's juice
Creating an unknown picture

Cool water pours down
Everything drips
Pink stains appear
But at last the blood runs out
Taking with it more than you know
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