I wonder if I meant anything to you.
To this day I can only seem to piece together a few conversations but I still cannot seem to understand or trust what you said.
You were a breath of fresh air yet I somehow had trouble breathing.
Overthinking every little word I lost nights of sleep.
I wonder if you had trouble sleeping sometimes.
I know you did have trouble sleeping but was it ever because of me?
Did the memories ever come back to you and force you to lay awake reminiscing what never was?
Did your eyes ever close shut in bliss at the mere happiness of knowing I existed?
I wonder if you felt something.
Anything.
Do you remember our conversations?
Do you at least remember me from time to time?
How much I would give to know.
All I'm left to wonder nowadays is how much my life would be better if you were here.
But all I'm left with is memories that are slowly dying and drifting away like a leaf in autumn.

Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me.
I can not manage to be stable.
At times breathing hurts.
At times my speech becomes slurred.
At times my hands start to sweat excessively.
At times I get unreasonably angry.
At times my vision starts to blur.
At times I can not grasp what is really real.
As my heart starts to erratically pound I know I am at the point of an anxiety attack.
I take in deep breathes and wipe my sweaty hands and try to ground myself somehow.
I usually focus on a happier memory I know is somewhere deep in my memory.
If I cannot recall an uplifting moment I distract myself and instead immerse myself in a crack on the wall or how many tiles there are on the floor.
As the blurriness takes time to fade and my breathing stabilizes, I think optimistically: I controlled myself, I am in power of myself and it is okay.
But at times it isn't enough and I relapse into the helplessness.
Each time I realize how far away I am from normalcy.
At times breathing is a chore I am too tired to do.
At times the crushing anxiety makes it harder to exist.
But there are moments of beauty which makes living bearable.
As I see the beauty I know there is more to life than pain.
At times I am stunned by the beauty that is earth.
At times that is just enough for me.

I've noticed your personality changes around certain people.
In a single moment, I can see the shift in your posture and language.
A slouched back around people who you feel more comfortable around and less harsh words usually leave your mouth.
But you become different around people you feel the need to impress.
Profanities leave your mouth and cruel words leave smirked lips as if saying, "I have impressed them by being a complete monster and I know I'll be forgiven for my actions."
It's true, I always forgive you.
Whatever misgivings in my heart will be washed away with a single smile and laugh from you.
I dislike the bitterness of holding hatred in my heart.
Even as I am made fun of and used like a rag doll for anyone to use as they like, I never leave.
Yet as I am treated like a waste of space used only for their sadistic enjoyment, I remain there.
As we act like nothing happened and the worthlessness builds in me, I still keep the love in my heart.
I remain infallible.
So as you step on me and cruelly grin, I smile through all the pain because we all know a lonely girl like me has no place left to go.
You all know I love you too much.

I sit on the ground in the bathroom and feel comfortable.
My mind feels at ease because I know no one will enter this place or bother me.
No questions are asked as I lock myself in here, it's less noticeable and because of that it has become my retreat.
I know it sounds weird to enclose myself in place where everyone does their business and showers but it feels better here.
As the overhead fan blows on my face and the sound of my breathing is the only thing that exists I feel less nervous.
For a moment I know I won't be bothered.
For a moment I don't need to answer anyone's questions on why I've locked myself up.
For a moment, I can breathe easily.

Falling in love is dangerous.
I grow attached and after that, a little thing called my mind obsesses over the people I love.
Every little word or action clouds up my mind and makes it impossible for me to think for myself.
I become sensitive to their opinions of me, whether negative or positive.
If its positive I practically float the whole day on the happiness of making the person I love proud of me.
But when its anything negative I fall into a depressive state and become a complete mess at the thought of them disappointed or unhappy with me.
An unwelcomed guest called anxiety knocks at my door and intrudes constantly in mind, millions of thoughts come rampant in my head until I'm spinning.
It completely disappears when the person I love smiles at me or talks to me.
Like a receding wave, everything is taken away.
Whatever traces of negativity are washed away and I feel completely accomplished in life because they're finally happy with me.
Love for me is being completely destroyed but then being made anew by what destroyed me.
So falling in love for me means being destroyed something I will never shy away from.

I like to think about what we were.
Those times when we'd smile and laugh like there were no worries.
In those moments I liked to pretend I was mentally stable and I bet you were hiding under the guise of a smile too.
But we were together, happy.
As time passed for some reason the happiness started to decline.
Each year started to become a time stamp for the ones who left and tears were lost for.
Months were spent on lost sleep and tear stains were left to disappear gradually.
The fragile confidence broke away until it couldn't be pieced together the same way it was before.
We were hesitant and faltered constantly yet all those hours of lost sleep and the seemingly neverending sadness was worth so much.
It was precious the way I lost myself and became anew so much stronger.
I am not as I was.
The happy times are not as abundant as before yet I feel so much more fulfilled as a person than before.
What we were is just a distant memory.
What we are right now are clumsy teenagers looking to find our way in this massive world.
We are not perfect, we are just right and we will find our way no matter how far away we stray from each other.
Looking beyond what we were I hope you can change and become even more beautiful.
For now, let's reminisce.
We were beautiful dreamers and we still are.
The light in you, I hope it never dies.

Why would hell be considered below us when I see it every time you look at me.
Is it so wrong I depend on you so much.
If I don't see you for awhile I feel like I did something wrong and blame myself.
It's always my fault, isn't it?
I ruin everything I touch but you're the only one who can stand me.
You control me and I am aware of it, how bitter it is to exist for one sole person.
I exist to make others happy, my own happiness doesn't matter.
I don't match up to her.
When I don't talk to her I lose my way.
So when I see her my demons flare up and I realize I'm in hell because of her.
Real hell is looking into her eyes and realizing how much she ruined me.