Do you regret anything?
I definitely regret meeting you.
Perhaps if I'd met someone better I would have a healthier mindset.
Before I met you I was unaware of societies pressures.
When you came along you pushed societies beliefs on me, you made me swallow it all down unwillingly.
I didn't know I was a pure imperfection.
My existence was flawed in every way, you made me see that so clearly.
I couldn't look into the mirror without feeling contempt at the face I saw, it was my own but I hated it.
Your prying eyes and scalding tone made me second guess every aspect of myself.
I was less than adequate and your words made me realize it.
I started to compare myself to everyone, that was my biggest downfall.
The apparent difference between myself and my peers made me uncomfortable in my skin.
My best friends were dragging my self esteem down to hell and I was fighting back feebly.
I wanted to be my own person but that wasn't at all greeted with open arms.
I had blend in with the others in order to fit in but I never could.
I couldn't mold myself into what they wanted.
As each day went on I knew with certainty: I was a worthless human who couldn't even follow simple rules.
Who I am didn't matter.
I just had to fit in and everything would be okay.
But I was breaking and wasn't perfect.
My mind was collapsing and I still didn't fit in.
Everyone was leaving.
One by one they left behind scars on my heart until one person was left.
The scars on my heart didn't matter as long as she was besides me.
She was the one who left behind the biggest scars but at the moment I didn't care, at least I wasn't alone.
She stepped on me and bruised me but I loved her, I felt like love was enough to fill the emptiness in my heart.
In my mind I made her out to be an angel even though she was running her nails down my skin, even as she was making the gashes in my heart larger.
I knew I would never heal but I stayed even as she manipulated me with my love for her.
She never cared enough but her smile made all the pain worth it.
These tears and pain, will they ever go away?

I always knew you had been lying to me.
Since the moment we've met each other every word that crept off your lips and reached my mind were made up tales.
I'd listen in awe as you smiled and stared at me like you knew way more than me.
In a way, you were true.
I've always been an honest and open person, you knew that better than anyone.
I loved you so much, you were my entire world and I was one of the moons that orbited you.
But I was just another moon to you, someone easy to control and manipulate.
You'd say a few words and I'd believe all without a second thought.
I never questioned anything because I thought to myself why would the person I love purposely lie to me and treat me in such a manipulative way.
Your wide doe eyes held a whole galaxy but behind those eyes was a void that wanted to **** up all the life in the world.
I was the closest to you and you wanted to destroy me.
I believed all your words no matter how farfetched or doubtful were the truth and only the truth.
I held you in such a higher esteem than myself.
As you talked me down and made me feel small, I loved you unconditionally.
All the pain you inflicted me didn't matter because I thought I deserved it.
Before I knew it you had conditioned me into hating myself and the feelings of worthlessness were all I knew.
I felt like I didn't deserve any kind of happiness so gave everything to you.
My mind, my time, my thoughts, my words, my love, they were all for you but you didn't care.
I was always only second rate to you.
I gave you my love but you only wanted my pain in order to feel better about yourself.
So you slashed at my heart and acted like I was exaggerating.
You don't understand why I've changed towards you, why I've put this distance between us.
A clear answer has opened up to me, I finally have the clarity I have so desperately needed: you are not my world.
The world does not revolve around you and everything you say. Your lies are clear as day, you are not as clever or sly as you think you are.
The pain you inflict on people will rebound and cause even more pain than what you have inflicted on others.
My world is my life and what I love and dedicate myself to.
No longer will I allow your words to cause me pain.
I will stare you straight in the eye and not tremble at the mere sight of you.
I am stronger and better.
My world has gotten so much bigger now with you gone.

I could barely breathe.
In my throat were lodged the words I couldn't say.
The words were struggling to get out, they were trying to strain themselves out of my lips but I kept them down and remained silent.
I could only nod along because my mind wasn't there.
At the moment, my mind was preoccupied with holding back my screams and cries.
I didn't want them to see how truly mental I was.
Emotions are not at all greeted with open arms here; They're ridiculed and looked at with scorn.
Why would I want to be the one receiving the glares?
My vulnerability at the slightest things is considered a humongous weakness.
I can't show them the tears.
They may see the tear stains but they're easily looked past.
No questions are asked and even though that's a relief I really wish I had someone to talk to.
Hugs are amazing when you completely trust the person you're with, I don't have that.
Comfort from simply being with someone, I don't have that.
I should be content with what I have but what I need the most is what I'm lacking.
A long list I have that everyone sees yet never understands.
They'll never look deep enough.
Only I hold the answers yet no one cares enough to ask or truly care.
I have so much to say and I can only write it down.
I don't have to face anyone when I have a notebook and a pen in front of me.
I can properly articulate myself and not worry about embarrassing myself.
With a few clicks, it can be gone.
I'm a faceless entity here.
So when I write I know I don't have to lie.
My sexuality is out in the open here.
My crushes are mentioned boldly here.
My worries are spelled out for anyone to see here.
No pretenses.
Just me and a blank slate, waiting to be filled.

How to disappear?
I ask myself everyday.
Under what mask will I hide myself today?
Am I going to have glee written on my face or perhaps an aura of innocence would be better.
I walk around with clear brown eyes that appear to hold naivety.
No one will know the amount of exhaustion I always have; The way it hangs on me both physically and mentally.
If I were to tell them, an answer that they find simple would roll off their tongues like a rock rolling down a steep hill,"You should get more sleep."
If only it was that simple.
If only my mind would shut up.
If only my eyes would stop watching the ceiling as silent tears stream down my face.
If only I'd stop rolling around my bed as if I'm a rock on a hill going somewhere.
They might as well console a crying child than try to help me.
I'm a lost cause.
A child listens, they're more obedient, easier to control; I used to be a child.
I used to listen.
I thought adults knew everything why else wouldn't I have listened?
They never listened to me so I took that as a sign that what I said wasn't important.
So I shut my mouth.
I stayed quiet like the doll they wanted me to be.
Adults knew best and they were always going to take of me, why else wasn't I allowed to make decisions?
I was sheltered from the rain.
I thought it'd be like that forever.
I would never need to pick up the pieces I had broken because the adults were there to fix my mistakes.
How wrong was I.
I forgot that I was supposed to be an adult too, maturity was something everyone developed.
They took away my dollhouse and told me I couldn't live in a world of fantasy anymore.
I didn't understand anything.
What was this?
I was left shivering in the cold and what I was left to face wasn't calm; I was left in a hurricane, It destroyed everything I knew.
Familiarity was what I always had, it comforted me, it was all I knew.
I survived the hurricane but I knew, I was left all alone.
I was faced with emotions that resembled nothing of the childlike happiness I had before.
It was ugly.
Everything was ugly.
I didn't like people they were mean creatures that didn't give hugs.
All they wanted was to strip me bare and take away my innocence.
The words weren't lovely anymore.
They were crude and harmful.
I would cover my ears but I couldn't escape it all.
I'd turn my head away but the words were always there, the sneers were ever present no matter how much I acted like they weren't there.
Adulthood was a foreign concept to me.
It wasn't nice and soft like ice cream on hot summer days.
It was tumbling into cave without a flashlight; there was no light anywhere.
I stumble around with no semblance of direction and in doing so I get even more lost.
I don't know where I'm going.
All I know is I keep ruining everything.
I'm sorry.
Future me, the mistakes I make right now, I hope we can power through them.
No matter how hard, please keep living.
Not for anyone else, but ourselves.
If only life was as nice as Winnie the Pooh showed us.

I am at a crossroads.
Whichever path I take will impact the people around me.
I know my choices disappoint everyone, but I am used to it.
Whatever I choose, however wrong it may be, I will be proud of.
Because all my life has been run by someone else.
A blindfold was held in front of my eyes and until I reached adulthood was it taken off.
In my eyes, I saw an unfamiliar thing which I had not learned in my youth: responsibility.
I had never taken the reigns of my life and I was painfully aware of it with every night of lost sleep, puffy eyes, and every neverending breath.
Don't become the mess I became.
I wish for everyone to wake up.
Before you reach those crossroads, please wake up.
Do it for yourself, future you.
I guarantee you can take on the world if you open your eyes and see how much more there is to adulthood than you think.
It's not just about the number eighteen, you have to be willing to change in order to match your age.
Becoming an adult means to not whine and constantly wish your parents will take care of every problem you make.
It means not blaming your parents for every decision you make; After a while, that becomes a ridiculous excuse.
The real question is will you take responsibility for your life?
After all, it is your life.
No one else owns it.
Those crossroads, which way will you choose?

My youth, I can barely recall it.
Certain pieces I can never remember.
I have unanswered questions which will never find their truth.
All my memories seem to be mixed up, cluttered and messed up like someone searched through them and forgot to put them in their right place.
It's almost like I'm experiencing life through the eyes of someone else's life.
The person who I'm living through seems to have different ideals than me and shivers in disgust when I think that way.
Who am I to disagree?
My true self seems to be going through hell.
Maybe I should give in.
After all, the person I claim to be is not at all that pleasant.

Today I breathed in air; although I sometimes held my breath.
I swallowed saliva and down my throat, I felt a painful ache.
I took many, albeit awkward, steps.
In front of my mother whose voice usually was booming, I faced her quiet disappointment; It was utterly deafening I would've preferred being yelled at than face what reminded me of walking barefoot on glass.
I lay my head on my pillow and felt the memories fill my head like a shallow pond, I waded through it but felt as if I was on edge of stumbling into the deep end.
As tears fell I willed myself to stifle the sign of weakness in case anyone walked into the room.
I am alive.
I am unaware of how I exist.
The mirror lies to me and I only look away in hopes it's unfaithful as I think it is.
In one day we can do so much.
In one day we can learn so much.
In one day I felt so much yet I was unproductive.
My own weaknesses only reminded me of how much I needed to work harder.
I am a girl who despite everything still believes in the beauty of life; the sight of the clouds makes me dream of a better future.
In the blue sky, I see the ones I loved and lost.
I want to make my parents proud yet I don't know how to make myself proud.
Who am I to wish for more?
I am still in the present so what more am I supposed to do except run until I'm happy where I am.