I sit on the ground in the bathroom and feel comfortable.
My mind feels at ease because I know no one will enter this place or bother me.
No questions are asked as I lock myself in here, it's less noticeable and because of that it has become my retreat.
I know it sounds weird to enclose myself in place where everyone does their business and showers but it feels better here.
As the overhead fan blows on my face and the sound of my breathing is the only thing that exists I feel less nervous.
For a moment I know I won't be bothered.
For a moment I don't need to answer anyone's questions on why I've locked myself up.
For a moment, I can breathe easily.

Falling in love is dangerous.
I grow attached and after that, a little thing called my mind obsesses over the people I love.
Every little word or action clouds up my mind and makes it impossible for me to think for myself.
I become sensitive to their opinions of me, whether negative or positive.
If its positive I practically float the whole day on the happiness of making the person I love proud of me.
But when its anything negative I fall into a depressive state and become a complete mess at the thought of them disappointed or unhappy with me.
An unwelcomed guest called anxiety knocks at my door and intrudes constantly in mind, millions of thoughts come rampant in my head until I'm spinning.
It completely disappears when the person I love smiles at me or talks to me.
Like a receding wave, everything is taken away.
Whatever traces of negativity are washed away and I feel completely accomplished in life because they're finally happy with me.
Love for me is being completely destroyed but then being made anew by what destroyed me.
So falling in love for me means being destroyed something I will never shy away from.

I like to think about what we were.
Those times when we'd smile and laugh like there were no worries.
In those moments I liked to pretend I was mentally stable and I bet you were hiding under the guise of a smile too.
But we were together, happy.
As time passed for some reason the happiness started to decline.
Each year started to become a time stamp for the ones who left and tears were lost for.
Months were spent on lost sleep and tear stains were left to disappear gradually.
The fragile confidence broke away until it couldn't be pieced together the same way it was before.
We were hesitant and faltered constantly yet all those hours of lost sleep and the seemingly neverending sadness was worth so much.
It was precious the way I lost myself and became anew so much stronger.
I am not as I was.
The happy times are not as abundant as before yet I feel so much more fulfilled as a person than before.
What we were is just a distant memory.
What we are right now are clumsy teenagers looking to find our way in this massive world.
We are not perfect, we are just right and we will find our way no matter how far away we stray from each other.
Looking beyond what we were I hope you can change and become even more beautiful.
For now, let's reminisce.
We were beautiful dreamers and we still are.
The light in you, I hope it never dies.

Why would hell be considered below us when I see it every time you look at me.
Is it so wrong I depend on you so much.
If I don't see you for awhile I feel like I did something wrong and blame myself.
It's always my fault, isn't it?
I ruin everything I touch but you're the only one who can stand me.
You control me and I am aware of it, how bitter it is to exist for one sole person.
I exist to make others happy, my own happiness doesn't matter.
I don't match up to her.
When I don't talk to her I lose my way.
So when I see her my demons flare up and I realize I'm in hell because of her.
Real hell is looking into her eyes and realizing how much she ruined me.

Do you regret anything?
I definitely regret meeting you.
Perhaps if I'd met someone better I would have a healthier mindset.
Before I met you I was unaware of societies pressures.
When you came along you pushed societies beliefs on me, you made me swallow it all down unwillingly.
I didn't know I was a pure imperfection.
My existence was flawed in every way, you made me see that so clearly.
I couldn't look into the mirror without feeling contempt at the face I saw, it was my own but I hated it.
Your prying eyes and scalding tone made me second guess every aspect of myself.
I was less than adequate and your words made me realize it.
I started to compare myself to everyone, that was my biggest downfall.
The apparent difference between myself and my peers made me uncomfortable in my skin.
My best friends were dragging my self esteem down to hell and I was fighting back feebly.
I wanted to be my own person but that wasn't at all greeted with open arms.
I had blend in with the others in order to fit in but I never could.
I couldn't mold myself into what they wanted.
As each day went on I knew with certainty: I was a worthless human who couldn't even follow simple rules.
Who I am didn't matter.
I just had to fit in and everything would be okay.
But I was breaking and wasn't perfect.
My mind was collapsing and I still didn't fit in.
Everyone was leaving.
One by one they left behind scars on my heart until one person was left.
The scars on my heart didn't matter as long as she was besides me.
She was the one who left behind the biggest scars but at the moment I didn't care, at least I wasn't alone.
She stepped on me and bruised me but I loved her, I felt like love was enough to fill the emptiness in my heart.
In my mind I made her out to be an angel even though she was running her nails down my skin, even as she was making the gashes in my heart larger.
I knew I would never heal but I stayed even as she manipulated me with my love for her.
She never cared enough but her smile made all the pain worth it.
These tears and pain, will they ever go away?

I always knew you had been lying to me.
Since the moment we've met each other every word that crept off your lips and reached my mind were made up tales.
I'd listen in awe as you smiled and stared at me like you knew way more than me.
In a way, you were true.
I've always been an honest and open person, you knew that better than anyone.
I loved you so much, you were my entire world and I was one of the moons that orbited you.
But I was just another moon to you, someone easy to control and manipulate.
You'd say a few words and I'd believe all without a second thought.
I never questioned anything because I thought to myself why would the person I love purposely lie to me and treat me in such a manipulative way.
Your wide doe eyes held a whole galaxy but behind those eyes was a void that wanted to **** up all the life in the world.
I was the closest to you and you wanted to destroy me.
I believed all your words no matter how farfetched or doubtful were the truth and only the truth.
I held you in such a higher esteem than myself.
As you talked me down and made me feel small, I loved you unconditionally.
All the pain you inflicted me didn't matter because I thought I deserved it.
Before I knew it you had conditioned me into hating myself and the feelings of worthlessness were all I knew.
I felt like I didn't deserve any kind of happiness so gave everything to you.
My mind, my time, my thoughts, my words, my love, they were all for you but you didn't care.
I was always only second rate to you.
I gave you my love but you only wanted my pain in order to feel better about yourself.
So you slashed at my heart and acted like I was exaggerating.
You don't understand why I've changed towards you, why I've put this distance between us.
A clear answer has opened up to me, I finally have the clarity I have so desperately needed: you are not my world.
The world does not revolve around you and everything you say. Your lies are clear as day, you are not as clever or sly as you think you are.
The pain you inflict on people will rebound and cause even more pain than what you have inflicted on others.
My world is my life and what I love and dedicate myself to.
No longer will I allow your words to cause me pain.
I will stare you straight in the eye and not tremble at the mere sight of you.
I am stronger and better.
My world has gotten so much bigger now with you gone.

I could barely breathe.
In my throat were lodged the words I couldn't say.
The words were struggling to get out, they were trying to strain themselves out of my lips but I kept them down and remained silent.
I could only nod along because my mind wasn't there.
At the moment, my mind was preoccupied with holding back my screams and cries.
I didn't want them to see how truly mental I was.
Emotions are not at all greeted with open arms here; They're ridiculed and looked at with scorn.
Why would I want to be the one receiving the glares?
My vulnerability at the slightest things is considered a humongous weakness.
I can't show them the tears.
They may see the tear stains but they're easily looked past.
No questions are asked and even though that's a relief I really wish I had someone to talk to.
Hugs are amazing when you completely trust the person you're with, I don't have that.
Comfort from simply being with someone, I don't have that.
I should be content with what I have but what I need the most is what I'm lacking.
A long list I have that everyone sees yet never understands.
They'll never look deep enough.
Only I hold the answers yet no one cares enough to ask or truly care.
I have so much to say and I can only write it down.
I don't have to face anyone when I have a notebook and a pen in front of me.
I can properly articulate myself and not worry about embarrassing myself.
With a few clicks, it can be gone.
I'm a faceless entity here.
So when I write I know I don't have to lie.
My sexuality is out in the open here.
My crushes are mentioned boldly here.
My worries are spelled out for anyone to see here.
No pretenses.
Just me and a blank slate, waiting to be filled.