I could barely breathe.
In my throat were lodged the words I couldn't say.
The words were struggling to get out, they were trying to strain themselves out of my lips but I kept them down and remained silent.
I could only nod along because my mind wasn't there.
At the moment, my mind was preoccupied with holding back my screams and cries.
I didn't want them to see how truly mental I was.
Emotions are not at all greeted with open arms here; They're ridiculed and looked at with scorn.
Why would I want to be the one receiving the glares?
My vulnerability at the slightest things is considered a humongous weakness.
I can't show them the tears.
They may see the tear stains but they're easily looked past.
No questions are asked and even though that's a relief I really wish I had someone to talk to.
Hugs are amazing when you completely trust the person you're with, I don't have that.
Comfort from simply being with someone, I don't have that.
I should be content with what I have but what I need the most is what I'm lacking.
A long list I have that everyone sees yet never understands.
They'll never look deep enough.
Only I hold the answers yet no one cares enough to ask or truly care.
I have so much to say and I can only write it down.
I don't have to face anyone when I have a notebook and a pen in front of me.
I can properly articulate myself and not worry about embarrassing myself.
With a few clicks, it can be gone.
I'm a faceless entity here.
So when I write I know I don't have to lie.
My sexuality is out in the open here.
My crushes are mentioned boldly here.
My worries are spelled out for anyone to see here.
No pretenses.
Just me and a blank slate, waiting to be filled.

How to disappear?
I ask myself everyday.
Under what mask will I hide myself today?
Am I going to have glee written on my face or perhaps an aura of innocence would be better.
I walk around with clear brown eyes that appear to hold naivety.
No one will know the amount of exhaustion I always have; The way it hangs on me both physically and mentally.
If I were to tell them, an answer that they find simple would roll off their tongues like a rock rolling down a steep hill,"You should get more sleep."
If only it was that simple.
If only my mind would shut up.
If only my eyes would stop watching the ceiling as silent tears stream down my face.
If only I'd stop rolling around my bed as if I'm a rock on a hill going somewhere.
They might as well console a crying child than try to help me.
I'm a lost cause.
A child listens, they're more obedient, easier to control; I used to be a child.
I used to listen.
I thought adults knew everything why else wouldn't I have listened?
They never listened to me so I took that as a sign that what I said wasn't important.
So I shut my mouth.
I stayed quiet like the doll they wanted me to be.
Adults knew best and they were always going to take of me, why else wasn't I allowed to make decisions?
I was sheltered from the rain.
I thought it'd be like that forever.
I would never need to pick up the pieces I had broken because the adults were there to fix my mistakes.
How wrong was I.
I forgot that I was supposed to be an adult too, maturity was something everyone developed.
They took away my dollhouse and told me I couldn't live in a world of fantasy anymore.
I didn't understand anything.
What was this?
I was left shivering in the cold and what I was left to face wasn't calm; I was left in a hurricane, It destroyed everything I knew.
Familiarity was what I always had, it comforted me, it was all I knew.
I survived the hurricane but I knew, I was left all alone.
I was faced with emotions that resembled nothing of the childlike happiness I had before.
It was ugly.
Everything was ugly.
I didn't like people they were mean creatures that didn't give hugs.
All they wanted was to strip me bare and take away my innocence.
The words weren't lovely anymore.
They were crude and harmful.
I would cover my ears but I couldn't escape it all.
I'd turn my head away but the words were always there, the sneers were ever present no matter how much I acted like they weren't there.
Adulthood was a foreign concept to me.
It wasn't nice and soft like ice cream on hot summer days.
It was tumbling into cave without a flashlight; there was no light anywhere.
I stumble around with no semblance of direction and in doing so I get even more lost.
I don't know where I'm going.
All I know is I keep ruining everything.
I'm sorry.
Future me, the mistakes I make right now, I hope we can power through them.
No matter how hard, please keep living.
Not for anyone else, but ourselves.
If only life was as nice as Winnie the Pooh showed us.

I am at a crossroads.
Whichever path I take will impact the people around me.
I know my choices disappoint everyone, but I am used to it.
Whatever I choose, however wrong it may be, I will be proud of.
Because all my life has been run by someone else.
A blindfold was held in front of my eyes and until I reached adulthood was it taken off.
In my eyes, I saw an unfamiliar thing which I had not learned in my youth: responsibility.
I had never taken the reigns of my life and I was painfully aware of it with every night of lost sleep, puffy eyes, and every neverending breath.
Don't become the mess I became.
I wish for everyone to wake up.
Before you reach those crossroads, please wake up.
Do it for yourself, future you.
I guarantee you can take on the world if you open your eyes and see how much more there is to adulthood than you think.
It's not just about the number eighteen, you have to be willing to change in order to match your age.
Becoming an adult means to not whine and constantly wish your parents will take care of every problem you make.
It means not blaming your parents for every decision you make; After a while, that becomes a ridiculous excuse.
The real question is will you take responsibility for your life?
After all, it is your life.
No one else owns it.
Those crossroads, which way will you choose?

My youth, I can barely recall it.
Certain pieces I can never remember.
I have unanswered questions which will never find their truth.
All my memories seem to be mixed up, cluttered and messed up like someone searched through them and forgot to put them in their right place.
It's almost like I'm experiencing life through the eyes of someone else's life.
The person who I'm living through seems to have different ideals than me and shivers in disgust when I think that way.
Who am I to disagree?
My true self seems to be going through hell.
Maybe I should give in.
After all, the person I claim to be is not at all that pleasant.

Today I breathed in air; although I sometimes held my breath.
I swallowed saliva and down my throat, I felt a painful ache.
I took many, albeit awkward, steps.
In front of my mother whose voice usually was booming, I faced her quiet disappointment; It was utterly deafening I would've preferred being yelled at than face what reminded me of walking barefoot on glass.
I lay my head on my pillow and felt the memories fill my head like a shallow pond, I waded through it but felt as if I was on edge of stumbling into the deep end.
As tears fell I willed myself to stifle the sign of weakness in case anyone walked into the room.
I am alive.
I am unaware of how I exist.
The mirror lies to me and I only look away in hopes it's unfaithful as I think it is.
In one day we can do so much.
In one day we can learn so much.
In one day I felt so much yet I was unproductive.
My own weaknesses only reminded me of how much I needed to work harder.
I am a girl who despite everything still believes in the beauty of life; the sight of the clouds makes me dream of a better future.
In the blue sky, I see the ones I loved and lost.
I want to make my parents proud yet I don't know how to make myself proud.
Who am I to wish for more?
I am still in the present so what more am I supposed to do except run until I'm happy where I am.

I wanted to make them happy.
My happiness didn't matter as long as they were the ones smiling.
Even if I had to paste a smile on my face I would make them happy.
But of course, I fall too short.
I will never reach their expectations.
They will not smile but hold a grimace of disgust on their faces.
I wasn't enough.
They expected nothing from me anyways.
They already knew of my incompetence.

Do you realize how much you can wreck a persons mind?
Your words and actions can do so much.
Your words can be as soft as a pillow, but then muffle the cries of terror.
Your actions can cause that girl to blush ever so gently, but then cause those same cheeks to have a waterfall of tears coursing down.
It's not fair.
The same person you expected so much from caused you so much pain.
But then like a fool you take them back.
Your love makes you see past the mistakes.
Any rational thoughts disappear and each night you contemplate waiting forever for your love to be wholly returned.