The moment I started to lose myself I knew it was wrong.
When I became comfortable around you it became apparent you were becoming an obsession.
My mind became clouded with only you.
I thought it was okay to feel this way.
I thought of you as my best friend even though what I felt was anything but platonic.
Those moments I became enamored with a mere smile from you.
When you started to ignore me I thought nothing of it.
But then your cold gaze would trap me in its ever unfamiliar way.
I didn't know what it meant but the fear would always be enough to keep me up at night.
Did I do something wrong?
My mind would then go in deep into myself to search for an answer.
Suddenly I was reevaluating who I was.
I deserved it.
She was leaving me and the only reason I could find was me.
My mind twisted everything around.
In order to protect myself, I blamed her.
She was perfect in every way while I was flawed in every way.
I already knew it but I kept hiding under a sheet of narcissism.
I didn't want to admit I was wrong.
I didn't want to apologize for my mistakes.
I spoke badly about her any chance I got.
It would come out of mouth bitterly and I just wanted to spit it out before I could realize what a lie it all was.
But of course, I would then step back and realize how wrong it was.
I held a grudge while she was off accomplishing and prospering.
I stayed in the past while she was making way for the future.
My anger dissipated over the years.
It turned into regret.
It turned into self-hatred.

A boy and a girl.
The boy has blue eyes.
The girl has brown eyes.
The boy has wide shoulders and large hands.
The girl is dainty in every way she moves.
Her brown eyes caught my eye quickly and abruptly.
The boy was cute.
Isn't the boy supposed to leave me breathless?
I could go months without remembering his existence.
When he told me he liked me my heart wasn't moved.
But the fluttering of her eyelashes made my heart fly, such euphoria from simply seeing her.
I could go on for days only thinking about her.
A dazed mind that only thought about her.
I wouldn't care if she broke my heart.
She'd look beautiful breaking me down.
A beautiful brown-eyed girl sounds better than that blue-eyed boy.

Soft brown eyes.
They're the same color as mine but hers carry so much more depth.
I could see a story in her eyes.
I wanted to tell her my story in exchange for her story but she never looked my way.
Of course, she wasn't interested.

I have a canvas.
It's filled with all kinds of pleasant colors.
I usually paint it with kindness.
A smile is meant to make people trust you.
Let's layer the canvas with a few nice words.
Some wittiness too.
Laughter is always appreciated.
Just don't add any undesirable colors.
It has to be bright and beautiful.
No dull colors.
Dull colors are hated.
Even if the dull colors are a part of you don't add them.
Keep it up.
Don't falter.
If you slip up they'll hate the canvas and everything it contains.
Each brush stroke will never be in vain, just keep it up.
Don't let them see the dull colors.
All that's needed is brilliance because no one appreciates a dull canvas.
Even though you sometimes love the dull colors don't ever reveal them.
Bury them under layers of color.
It's like this the painting is beautiful.
Everyone loves beauty.
Even if it's not the true colors of the canvas, all that matters is to be loved.