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Troy Dec 2021
I don’t get how some people
Can shut off their feelings
And act like they never cared
For the person they claimed to love

It baffles me to no end
And causes me to wonder
Did they even love at all
Did they actually care

It takes me months
Sometimes even years
To get over someone
And I’m never truly over them

There’s always a piece of love
Still lingering for that person
That simple spark of compassion
That hopes they are doing okay

I get flashbacks of events
And feel how I felt in those moments
The feelings I had for them
Come back just as strong

Even seeing the person
Can bring them back in full
Making me question why
Why did things go wrong

What happened to the feelings they had
Where did they go that you grow so cold
How can I ever get to that point
Of finally not caring at all

I don’t know
Who is more broken
The one who cares forever
Or the one who doesn’t

All I can say
Is my own experience
And always caring
Is almost unbearable

You always question
Could it have gone a different way
Is it possible to start over
Or even fix what was broken

Is it okay to talk about
Is it okay to reach out
To see how they are
To worry about them

Caring for them
While they don’t
Causes so much fear
You can’t even reply

You hide away
Begging for it to end
Wishing that everything was different
Or that it was all just a dream

And when reality sets in
Your world begins to crumble
It’s the pain all over again
And then it’s just numb

You become a void
Feeling nothing at all
But it’s only temporary
Then the cycle repeats
Troy Nov 2021
You gave me life
When I lost the will to live
Made me see things
In a different light

Grey fades away
As colour started to blossom
For the first time in ages
I saw the beauty in the world

You brought me back to my fullest
And I took you for granted
And that was my biggest mistake
Cause losing you hurts more than life itself

Not a day goes by
That I don’t wish for your return
It feels like eternity
But in reality mere seconds go by

You are and will always be
The light that illuminated
The darkness surrounding me
And without you I stand frozen

Withering away into nothingness
Becoming like the wind
Flowing gently through the trees
In search of your beautiful light

But sadly the light is lost
And doesn’t want to be found
For I have hurt this beautiful soul
Due to the fear of my own darkness

I broke his trust which he valued so high
And in turn ordered my own death sentence
As I slowly fade into the night sky
The last thing my soul will cry is for his light.
Troy Nov 2021
To listen to that laugh
See that smile
Hear that soft giggle
As you hide your face

I’d give anything
And everything I have
Your cheery attitude
Which always made me smile

The way you embraced me
With your head next to mine
Your scent filling me with joy
As I held you tightly

I would sacrifice everything I am
For just one chance to make it right
One chance to fix my mistake
No matter how long it would take

I’d gladly give up my life
If it would mean spending
One more moment
With you by my side

These tears I shed
They are from fake crying
They sting like acid
Begging and pleading

Forever frozen in time
In the moment they first hurt you
Screaming to the Gods themselves
To turn back the time

Wishing upon every star
For a miracle or two
To be able to continue in time
With you by my side

I know it’s pretty much impossible
Asking for anything for this
After what happened to us
But is hoping for a miracle

Really such a crime
To hold onto whatever hope
That is left in my grasp
Of a chance to make this right

My soul is scream in agony
From this self inflicted wound
Not in fear but in solemn sorrow
Hoping to mend this gushing tear
Troy Nov 2021
No matter how much I think
No matter how many times I try to find it
I can’t seem to come up with the words
To express how much I truly love you

Those three words are just not enough
They don’t express how much you mean to me
How much I crave to be by your side
To walk next to you in this thing we call life

They don’t express the ache I feel
When you are away from me
Or the relief I get when you are beside me
So I hope this poem will do

When I look at you all my worries are gone
There is no troubles I can’t face
Because I know you will be there
Fighting with me side by side

When I look in your eyes
I can see how much you truly care
It makes my soul flourish
Begging for you to hold me

When I caress your face
I fight back tears
Because I’ve never touched anything
More beautiful than you

Your embrace feels magical
I never want it to end
It calms me down
No matter how broken I feel

Your kiss fills me with joy
Knowing that I truly have found
My forever home with you
And I never want that to change

You are wonderful
Exactly what I wished for
Yet so much more than that
You truly are everything to me

And this is truly how I feel
Not a word said is untrue
Because to me those words
Those simple words can never compare

I will always want to see those eyes
Dancing in the moon light as we gaze the stars
Because when I look at you
I don’t see my partner for life

I see the wonder that’s in the world
The magic that’s in the air
The beauty that’s right before me
The one being who completes me

I know you find my staring odd
But you don’t see what I see
Or feel what I feel
When I stare at you and smile

The happiness it brings me
From just looking at you
Instantly puts that smile
Onto my face big and bright

I can’t help but to smile
Because I can see just how wonderful
A person you truly are
To see the beauty in the world

I honestly can’t believe
You chose a person like me
To be the one you walk with
On the path of life

I will go with you wherever you go
And do everything with you
Because with you
I truly am blessed

So the words I love you will never be enough
My feelings run so much deeper than that
And I hope you will see that
My feelings for you run pure and true
Troy Oct 2021
Thoughts spiraling
Causing tears to fall
Does he want me
Or is it all a facade

Little to no communication
Rarely seeing each other
Hiding things I give him
Spending more time with her than me

These actions speak volumes
And it causes me to wonder
Does he even love me
Does he even want me

Everyday I fight against these thoughts
But the longer this goes on
The more I feel it to be true
And the more heartbroken I become

I’m starting to question
If I should build up walls
Block off my heart again
So it doesn’t hurt as much

But no matter what I do
I can’t seem to shake these thoughts
Thoughts of pain and torture
Wishing for someone to shine a light

I swore to myself
I would never be in this spot again
But here I am again
Prepared to have my heart trampled

I’m honestly ready to snap
Needing to talk with him
But it has to be in person
Because I honestly fear his answer

It will be so much easier
To seal myself away
While he’s standing there in front of me
Than if it were over call or text

I can hide my pain
Not let myself collapse
If what I honestly fear
Is the actual truth

My feelings are never wrong
Which just makes matters worse
I lay there and cry
On countless days and nights

Hoping that he’ll talk to me
Hoping it’s not true
Hoping that he loves me
Hoping he chooses me

Because if this continues
The way it’s going
I will end up losing
My will to even try
Troy Sep 2021
My mind has been tormenting me
Constant thoughts of self doubt
Such ill contempt for myself
And it seems to only get worse

I’m trying desperately to push back
But with each day it grows stronger
Pushing me back into a corner
Making me feel small and weak

There are times where I’d win
There are times when it’s a draw
But times like these hurt so bad
Because I’m losing a battle with myself

Sometimes it goes so far
As to make me cry in misery
Begging for my thoughts to be wrong
Hoping and praying that I’ll be okay

Other times it causes me to go numb
To not be able to feel at all
Those are the times I fear the most
It’s when I become the most self sabotaging

I don’t want my brain to win
I can’t let these thoughts cloud my mind
But the harder I fight
The stronger they seem to become

And what hurts the most
Is my past traumas
Becoming worse and worse
Making me lose my ability to trust again

Over the last few years
I have found out that even actions
Are not to be trusted
Much like someone’s word

I’m trying to hard to correct that mindset
To learn to trust again
But the more I try
The harder it gets

I met someone new a few months ago
Someone I really care for and love
But because of my past
My head is evil

Making me question everything I do
Making me question the faith I have for him
All these sabotaging thoughts
And I fight them off everyday

I wish someone told me that dating
After serious trauma is inflicted
Would be harder than anything
Especially with how bad mine was

Maybe I could have prepared myself better
Or tried harder to correct my issue with trust
Maybe I could have healed my pain
So my mind wouldn’t push me away

Because this pain is so much worse
Than the trauma I endured
So much worse than the suffering
I dealt with afterwards

Far worse than the death of a loved one
I feel alone in my suffering
Surrounded by mockery
Silently crying to myself

I don’t know if I’ll be able to win this battle
Not by myself at least
But who do you turn to
When you can’t even trust yourself
Troy Sep 2021
Going about the day
Like there’s nothing wrong
Smiling and laughing
Like nothing is going on

Playing games
Hanging out with friends
All bubbly and happy looking
Like nothing is wrong

But under the surface
Ready to burst
Fearing the moment
It boils over

Putting on a fake smile
To hide the tears
Threatening to burst
Without a moments notice

You put on masks everyday
To hide the pain
You wish to not share
In fear of being a burden

Silently hoping
That you keep it together
So you don’t get called attention seeker
Drama queen or a burden

Holding onto that pain
It steadily gets worse
Thoughts race
Mind goes dark

Demons stir and awaken
Shadows twist and warp
Causing panic and fear
Is it real or just your head

Too afraid to ask
Too afraid to speak out
Too afraid to ask for help
Too afraid to push it away

Too afraid to run
Too afraid to cry
Too afraid of being judged
Too afraid of everything

Now hiding alone in the dark
Staying away from everyone else
Hammering your skull
Hoping to beat them out

Breaking down
Silently screaming
Eyes shut tight
Tears running down your face

You break down
Wishing everything was different
That your mental state was normal
Not so tattered and broken

Knees to forehead
Squeezing your legs tighter into you
Hoping the pressure will help
Tears now running down your legs

There a knock at the door
And you switch everything off
Clean up your face and smile
All in a few seconds

Just another mask
Put on daily
In a never ending cycle
Of constant torment
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