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Troy Oct 4
Thoughts spiraling
Causing tears to fall
Does he want me
Or is it all a facade

Little to no communication
Rarely seeing each other
Hiding things I give him
Spending more time with her than me

These actions speak volumes
And it causes me to wonder
Does he even love me
Does he even want me

Everyday I fight against these thoughts
But the longer this goes on
The more I feel it to be true
And the more heartbroken I become

I’m starting to question
If I should build up walls
Block off my heart again
So it doesn’t hurt as much

But no matter what I do
I can’t seem to shake these thoughts
Thoughts of pain and torture
Wishing for someone to shine a light

I swore to myself
I would never be in this spot again
But here I am again
Prepared to have my heart trampled

I’m honestly ready to snap
Needing to talk with him
But it has to be in person
Because I honestly fear his answer

It will be so much easier
To seal myself away
While he’s standing there in front of me
Than if it were over call or text

I can hide my pain
Not let myself collapse
If what I honestly fear
Is the actual truth

My feelings are never wrong
Which just makes matters worse
I lay there and cry
On countless days and nights

Hoping that he’ll talk to me
Hoping it’s not true
Hoping that he loves me
Hoping he chooses me

Because if this continues
The way it’s going
I will end up losing
My will to even try
Troy Sep 24
My mind has been tormenting me
Constant thoughts of self doubt
Such ill contempt for myself
And it seems to only get worse

I’m trying desperately to push back
But with each day it grows stronger
Pushing me back into a corner
Making me feel small and weak

There are times where I’d win
There are times when it’s a draw
But times like these hurt so bad
Because I’m losing a battle with myself

Sometimes it goes so far
As to make me cry in misery
Begging for my thoughts to be wrong
Hoping and praying that I’ll be okay

Other times it causes me to go numb
To not be able to feel at all
Those are the times I fear the most
It’s when I become the most self sabotaging

I don’t want my brain to win
I can’t let these thoughts cloud my mind
But the harder I fight
The stronger they seem to become

And what hurts the most
Is my past traumas
Becoming worse and worse
Making me lose my ability to trust again

Over the last few years
I have found out that even actions
Are not to be trusted
Much like someone’s word

I’m trying to hard to correct that mindset
To learn to trust again
But the more I try
The harder it gets

I met someone new a few months ago
Someone I really care for and love
But because of my past
My head is evil

Making me question everything I do
Making me question the faith I have for him
All these sabotaging thoughts
And I fight them off everyday

I wish someone told me that dating
After serious trauma is inflicted
Would be harder than anything
Especially with how bad mine was

Maybe I could have prepared myself better
Or tried harder to correct my issue with trust
Maybe I could have healed my pain
So my mind wouldn’t push me away

Because this pain is so much worse
Than the trauma I endured
So much worse than the suffering
I dealt with afterwards

Far worse than the death of a loved one
I feel alone in my suffering
Surrounded by mockery
Silently crying to myself

I don’t know if I’ll be able to win this battle
Not by myself at least
But who do you turn to
When you can’t even trust yourself
Troy Sep 10
Going about the day
Like there’s nothing wrong
Smiling and laughing
Like nothing is going on

Playing games
Hanging out with friends
All bubbly and happy looking
Like nothing is wrong

But under the surface
Ready to burst
Fearing the moment
It boils over

Putting on a fake smile
To hide the tears
Threatening to burst
Without a moments notice

You put on masks everyday
To hide the pain
You wish to not share
In fear of being a burden

Silently hoping
That you keep it together
So you don’t get called attention seeker
Drama queen or a burden

Holding onto that pain
It steadily gets worse
Thoughts race
Mind goes dark

Demons stir and awaken
Shadows twist and warp
Causing panic and fear
Is it real or just your head

Too afraid to ask
Too afraid to speak out
Too afraid to ask for help
Too afraid to push it away

Too afraid to run
Too afraid to cry
Too afraid of being judged
Too afraid of everything

Now hiding alone in the dark
Staying away from everyone else
Hammering your skull
Hoping to beat them out

Breaking down
Silently screaming
Eyes shut tight
Tears running down your face

You break down
Wishing everything was different
That your mental state was normal
Not so tattered and broken

Knees to forehead
Squeezing your legs tighter into you
Hoping the pressure will help
Tears now running down your legs

There a knock at the door
And you switch everything off
Clean up your face and smile
All in a few seconds

Just another mask
Put on daily
In a never ending cycle
Of constant torment
Troy Jul 26
From the first time
That you touched me
I could feel it
It was creeping down my neck

From the first time
That you held me
I could feel it
It was warming me inside

What is this feeling
This warm sensation
It feels so right
It feels so right

As you hold me
And you squeeze me
I can feel it
Rushing my insides

For the first time
In a while
I got a pep
In my step

A twinkle
In my eye
A smile
On my face

For the first time
In a while
I’m feeling alright
Feeling okay

For the first time
In a while
I’m feeling the love
Feeling happy

Kiss me sweet
Or kiss me rough
I don’t care
Just kiss me

Love me tenderly
Or love me fierce
I don’t care
Just love me

I want to feel this
For the rest of my life
Make me feel warm
All the time

Show me your kindness
Show me your fear
Show me your everything
As long as you’re near

I will not run
I will not hide
My heart is yours
I’ll stay for the ride

Cause everything you do
And everything you say
Just leaves me breathless
From the very first day
This was inspired by someone I met recently. Someone I feel will be with me to the end. I simple adore everything about him.
Troy Jul 10
As you get further down in life
You start to wonder what the point is
You start to question reality
You start to feel there’s no reason

Like happiness doesn’t exist
And that everyone around you
Is just pretending to be joyful
And expects the same from you

They expect you to forget the past
Forget where you came from
What drove you mad
What caused you so much pain

And I try but to no avail
Life was simple til that day
When the trauma took hold
And destroyed my mind

Now the only salvation
Is the one who caused it
But I’m starting to think
My peace will never come

The longer I wait
The worst it gets
Pretty soon
I’ll be called a loon

Is it too much to ask
For a chance at redemption
To calm the waters
And regain what was lost

I’m starting to think so
The more it goes on
The deeper I go
Into the madness

It won’t be long now
Reality is shifting
Things are moving
The shadows are alive

I’m broken
Far beyond repair
Now my only hope
Is for them to be there
Troy Jun 18
You know it surprises me
How little we think about it
When we are happy
It seems natural

But in reality
We as humans
Aren’t a happy species
But a sad one

We cling to others
It drives away the loneliness
It drives away the sadness
It drives away the fear

But when we lose that one person
That can make all the darkness
Just disappear into thin air
We regress to our nature state

It haunts us subconsciously
We don’t think about it til it’s too late
And once it happens we fight to fix it
And sometimes it can’t be fixed

Sometimes things break too much
And no amount of time will fix it
And then the darkness sets in
Causing us to fall father into despair

The self doubt sets in
And it only gets worse from there
Doubt turns to hatred
And it turns into a never ending battle

Some are able to overcome it
Some are not able to
And it’s the ones who can’t overcome
That you should worry about the most

The darkness has set root in their hearts
So deep that it’s almost ingrained
It becomes a part of them
And they will never be the same

Some don’t make it
Others do
But don’t leave them alone for too long
Cause loneliness is when it’s the worst

Their minds race with so many thoughts
Voices screaming and yelling
That they’ll always be alone
Or much much worse

This is currently where I stand
On the edge of abyss
I have a person I like
That makes the darkness run away

They come around
From time to time
But when they are away
I feel completely alone

When they are around
I feel like I can be happy again
And when I’m with them I am
Like I can take on the world

But when I’m alone
It’s a different story
I feel lost and abandoned
Feeling like no one actually cares

And to be honest
I think they are the only one
Who actually understands
The darkness of my mind

I’m not a smiley person
Nor am I a people person
But when I’m around them
I smile and socialize

They make me feel safe
Like I can trust them with anything
And they won’t judge me for it
I don’t feel like I need a mask

I like being their friend
But I want something more
Something deeper in connection
But I don’t think they feel the same

I don’t want to be lost forever
I don’t want to have a lonely existence
I want to feel safe with them by my side
For the rest of our lives

I just don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to start
Or where it will end up
All I know is I can’t do life without them
Troy May 17
What’s the point of love?
You only get hurt in the end
Traumatized and broken
Left to feel unwanted

Begging to understand
What exactly happened
Why you are left alone
Why they chose to hurt you

You fear the loneliness
Yet you also accept it
For it’s the only thing
That won’t leave you

The sorrow and emptiness
Is almost comforting
It surrounds you
Holding onto you tight

Yet at the same time
You feel a urning
A urning of love
But too afraid to grasp

Tossed in an endless torrent
Of back and forth emotions
Wishing with all your heart
Things would have been different

Darkness clouds your heart
You turn away from love
Knowing that in the end
It’s only going to hurt

No matter how much you beg
No matter how much you wish
No matter how much you cry
They don’t see how bad you hurt

They don’t see how much you love
They don’t see how much you want them
How badly you need them to be there
How badly you crave their touch

You dream of the past
Wishing the love was still there
Then remember the pain
And begin to cry again
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