you took a girl
you didn’t deserve
and broke her.
now she’s too damaged
to give her heart
to a man
who would know
how to love her right
because she thought
you could too.

some people
will bring out only the worst in you
and you will stay.
because part of the worst in you
is believing
that their approval and opinion
determines your worth.

your world will fall apart,
you will lose yourself
and every safety net you thought you had,
will give in.
you will feel as though there is nothing left
and you will be hanging on by a strand.

this has happened many times,
and if not,
it will.

let yourself feel this.
cry,
scream,
listen to songs that break your heart.
embrace your loneliness,
your heartache,
your confusion.

let yourself crack.
let the light in.
be open to what is unfamiliar.
realize that this?
this is solitude,
these are growing pains,
this is you finding your way back home to yourself.

i know it feels as though there is nothing left for you, but there is.

there is you.

as much as you’ve allowed yourself to shrink into places you no longer fit
and as much of yourself as you’ve cut off to fit into places you no longer belong,

there is you.

you are not disappearing anymore,
you are not rebuilding your world,
you are building you.

i miss
the smell of you
and how
breathing it in
warmed me up;
like taking a sip
of my favourite coffee.

i miss
the feeling of you;
soft skin touching mine
and how
leaning into you
was like
climbing into soft, warm bed
after a long day.

i miss
your puppy brown eyes
that i could never resist
after looking into them for a second
and how
your eyelashes would flutter shut
when i couldn’t resist
running my finger along your cheek.

i miss
hugging you
and the feeling
of disappearing into you
when being in the world
became too much.

because of this
i find myself
living in my memories of you
the smell
and touch
and warmth
and comfort
of you
is not a very bad place to live.

when the light became bright enough to burn my eyes
i closed them
and pretended it was a car headed straight for me
and not just one passing me by.
i took a deep breath as if it was my last
and my heart raced while my soul stretched towards the heavens.
when i opened them again
it felt like i was in a dream
and all i could think was
how i wished it could’ve felt like heaven or hell instead.

today, for the first time in a very long time, my mind feels like a beautiful place to be in.

you loved me better when we weren’t together.