Being with him was like holding a gift you knew you’d have to pass on, but feeling the joy of just being able to touch it, despite knowing it wasn’t yours to keep.

It seemed as though he was leaving before he’d even arrived.

At first I’d spend hours questioning it.
“God, why do you put me in this position? Why give me this angel, this blessing, if he’s not meant to stay? I know some people you take away to teach me something, but you’ve taken him before he was even mine!”

With a mind full of a racing thoughts, my heart would hurt. Why would a god so great do such a cruel thing?

After wandering down many roads of possible answers to all the whys, I’ve stopped at this:

Perhaps God didn’t bring you to me to teach me something. Perhaps it wasn’t even to bless me for the short period of time  – God knew such a blessing would hurt too much when it was taken away.

It was a message. A sort of prophecy. “Do not worry. You feel like you have no angel watching over you. But you will. See, here he is. This blessing is yours, but he isn’t here to stay. I know you want him to, but you’ve both got some growing to do. Just know that  this angel is yours, this angel will come back to you.”

One thing I am slowly starting to realize is that we will always be in this so called dark place and we will never be able to drown our demons but that doesn’t mean the ocean won’t calm and we will be able to swim back up.

I saw something that said
the first thing you forget about someone is their voice.
I can’t remember what my name sounds like when you say it
or the sound of your laugh after I mimic the way your mouth makes it unique.
I am forgetting you.
Which is supposed to be a good thing
- a sign of moving on.
Instead, it has been my biggest fear.
So I go back and listen.
Over and over again.
Trying my best to memorize your voice,
to keep you from disappearing.
But I know
that you already have.

I’ve always been good at turning brutal, ugly pain into something beautiful and pleasing enough to be accepted by others.

He broke my heart,
I broke his too.
It’s not just a broken heart
when it takes your hope and future too.

A broken heart
is more than just
a broken heart
when his is broken too.

You’ve broken each other’s
and didn’t even want to.

I said
“It feels like my world is ending.”

And he said
“You will know what your world ending feels like when your biggest blessing is taken away from you.”

And without any remorse added
“Here, let me show you.”