I once roamed the night sky with my hopefully baby blue eyes.
Now I stare at a dark, ceiling with hollow empty eyes.

I'd laugh so hard headaches marched in and my eyes watered with love, now tears burn my red cheeks with migraines causing storms.
I once danced so hard my feet ached for days now I can barely move from this dusty creaky chair hid away in this cluttered room.
I could sing for days with a bold smile on my face, my voice is now only filled with empty pain or vicious rage.

My dreams were full of delight and impossible wishes,
Nightmares filled their place with pain and death
I used to be as graceful and calm as a doe
Now I m frantic and fearful like cornered orphaned cub who watched her mother die.

My lungs used to fill with crisp clean air, now poison creeps into the darkest corners
Cool, clear water refreshed my lips now I sip stale beer destroying my liver each time without a care
The world was my play pit but now I am trapped inside these four walls ,which hold echos of who I used to be, they are now slowly closing in on me.

I am paying the world back for all the things I did not do.
I am trapped, there is no tunnel, no white, no door ,no way out.
I have been embraced by the pain, engulfed in madness and submerged by anger.

I once was loved, I once had a family
This house was once a home filled with laughter it now taunts me with the shadows of the past.

I'm giving up.
I am giving in.
My body and mind can no longer take it.
My soul has been beaten and torn into shreds,
daggers and bullets ripped through the last pureness it held.
Nothing remains in the whole it once lived in, it's just cold and empty.
Very, very empty.

I hold my head high with a deadly look in my eye,
the look that will cause you to shudder, the look which will haunt your dreams.
The look of a dead person, a hollow dead person.
With nothing left to lose.

With nothing left to lose, it means you will and can do anything.
So I know what I am becoming ,I know what will happen,
I know it will be too late to stop it if I do not do it now.
But I do not care, not anymore.

I will become the thing the ones that love me beg me to run from,
I will become the thing that once terrified me.
I will run towards it with open arms.
While they all flee...from me, I will become nothing but a blood shadow on the bathroom floor by the end of it.
Because I do not want to feel,I do not want to be me.

I have no more fight in me-
No more strength.No more will to fix what is wrong and make it right.
I am giving in.
I'm giving up.

Here I am again,
writing these ****** poems
trying to find a way to get out how I feel.
But nothing really works..

I drowning in front of everyone
Who claim they care
My legs are bleeding from the pretty little marks
left from a ****** blade and a twitching hand.
Tear-stained ,puffy cheeks and mascara smuged
glossy eyes
Begging for someone to show they care

But who really does cares at the end of the day?


My mind is racing with ****** up thoughts
And merciless images of my body lying there..
Or hanging there.

****** wrist hanging over a once innocent white bath
now a pinky stained colour.
Drip drip drip
it rolls of the lifeless fingertips
Splasing the grey floor
The noise taunts my ******* mind
Begging me to run and do it

Knuckles all ******,broken
A dented, freshly painted red wall
Another impulse
caused by the anger pulsing in my veins.

But who really cares?

No one ******* knows how bad it's got
They all think it's all okay...
Now don't get me wrong
I've screamed for help,
begged like a ******* dog.
But like I said...
Who the **** really cares?

I'm drinking my life away
Clawing and carving my skin
To help the pain
I've planned it all
Just waiting for the right moment

I don't want to be saved
I don't want love
I don't believe in hope
Not anymore

So I'll sit here for now
Writing these ****** poems
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting


For the right moment to go
When no one is watching the little girl in her room
with the craved up legs and a broken smile.
She will, I will disappear into the night
Into deaths welcoming arms
Once and for all

Go have another beer,
ignore that I am here.
I'm nothing anyway....

But don't yell at me when I snap
And swipe away the bottle.
Don't get pissy with me when I leave!

Don't be a ******* hypocrite
when I drink  my life away
because you pushed me too far.
You do it so why can't I?

I'm not your punching bag
So stop taking it out on me,
it's not always my fault
So stop treating me like ****.

Stop expecting me to drop everything,
my thoughts aren't meant to be just about you.
Get over the fact I have male friends!
I'm not your ******* property!

You expect so much yet you never give back
You may give gifts but that's not what I want

I'm tired
Exhausted
We just go around in circles
You just end up drinking or going out
I ended up crying and saying sorry....

But it's not just my fault
And you can't see that
I can't try no more
I can't keep saying sorry

So just go have another beer,
You just go drink your problems away
But if I'm not here when you come back
Don't complain

Numb.
Empty.
Hollow.
I no longer feel a thing.
No love, no pain, no happiness.
No feeling left from before,
I've become a black hole and I'm just draining those around me.
******* the good out of them all, until they become like me.
Bottomless pits of anger and rage.
Were they hurt those they care about
and push everyone away.
Until no one is left to say
"I care"
Or
" It will all be okay one day"

Numb, empty, hollow.
I no longer feel a thing
I could of been helped
Instead I was shoved away
Now I'm just a raging monster
Ripping myself away and tearing others apart.

Tick tick tick
Another sleepless night
Leaving me awake with thoughts
Eating away at me
Daunting me with  my mistakes
And **** ups

Eating away at my flesh
As the  time slowly
Painfully slips by
Daring me to go deep

My mind's slipping as each  minute goes by
Getting closer  and closer
To the  edge
The edge of sanity

By the end of another wasted night
My  ****** hands
Cling to the edge
A bottomless pit looming  
below
The chuckles and laughter
of the demons that haunt my mind echo around
Bouncing of the hard rocky walls


Clinging to the small hope left,
they claw and scratch at the hard ground above
Hoping
Praying
To feel the warmness of anothers hand
Slip into the dried blooded, cold hands
clinging to the edge of a free mind

Nothing...

No one

But the demons below mocking me
For being so foolish
So stupid
To believe someone would care
Someone would help

Hope crumbles away
Into the darkness
Into the nothing
And so do I

The liquor fills the hole
Taking the pain away
Hiding it for a while
But
The pound begins as the sun creeps in

Eyes squinting at the burning, innocent light
Rolling over with a mumble and a groan
Staring at the pure clean ceiling
So opposite from my dark dark life.

The bottles are pilling up
Each one emptier then the last,
The demons drip back through as
The sweet sweet liquor wears off.
The aching begins as the moonlight ends

Forcing myself to get up and go
Is so much harder then before
Reaching for my bedside draw
Scooping up the pure white pills
just to take away some of the pain
Is now a daily thing


The liquor is running out
Bottles laying on the floor
Each one emptier than the last
The memories rush back as the sunlight begins

Hands rubbing temples
Trying to erase some pain
Craving another drop
Just to fill me inside
Even just for a small time

The Liquors all gone
The aching got worse
How can I go on without my
sweet sweet pain taker?

Eyes so raw
So sore
As clear drops fall,
Cheeks red with small watery tracks
dashing down

It's too late to try and stop...

One cut
Two cut
That's never enough
Three cut
Four cut
That's more like it
But maybe a few more
Would help

Cold, salty droplets
Mixing with the metallic red river
Flowing down my arms

It only stings for bit
Calming me
Easing me
Even just for a bit

But it's never enough
I have to go deep
I have to make another river flow
I crave the pain
I crave the numbness after
I crave the feeling of the river running
down my arms

Big sis, big sis
Oh where have you gone?

We were parted from the start
Joined in the middle
Then ripped apart again

All I ever wanted was my sister near
All I ever wanted was you close

You could of made it all okay
You could of made it all alright
You could of stopped this mess right from the start
You could of helped me through the pain
You could of stopped me form ruining myself

But you couldn't

Oh big sis, big sis
I really need you now

My mind is a mess
My thighs are all scarred
My calfs are too
My eyes are tired
But I don't feel a thing

Oh big sis, big sis where are you now?

You're running out of time
The noose is getting tighter
I'm only a step away from the end

Oh big sis, big sis

If we started this together then this wouldn't be the end

Big sis, big sis just know
I love you
Just know
I miss you

Skin to skin
Chest to chest
Our hearts racing
Ready to burst

Gasping for breath as
We lose ourselves
In each other

Sparks zip across my body as you
leave sweet kiss along my neck

Eyelids fluttering as you pull me close
Daring you to go further
Teasing you on
Craving your touch

You're the light to my darkness
My knight in shining armor

You lower yourself upon me as you whisper

I love you

My demons shatter
The darkness fades
The hole in my chest final filling

I whisper back
I love you too

Aching bones
Sore muscles
Tired eyes
Late nights

Weak heart
Ready to shatter
at any beat

My head hurts
Thoughts jumbled up
Like a car crash
Demons and monsters messing
with my mind
Whispering words of dread
and longing of my death

Everyday is a struggle
Aching bones
Sore muscles
Tired eyes.

When will it end?

My heart maybe be beating
But my blood isn't pumping
My lungs maybe be working
But I'm  suffocating

I'm drowning in my own  worthlessness  and patheticness
Clawing at my skin, ripping it away
It's the only thing I feel apart from
This numbness and pain
I'm spiraling out of control

Going backward instead of forward
My life crumbling around me
As everyone watches me drown
In the dark depths of my mind
I'm screaming out for help
Yet no one seems to here a sound

My eyes maybe open
But they can't see anything but the darkness of the world
My legs maybe be working
But the ache with pain

Just because I'm still alive doesn't mean I'm living

My heart is carving in
My mind is breaking
My very soul is being ripped apart.

I'm spinning in an endless spiral
Of pain and misery
But then you appeared
And held me through the night
Whispered me stories
And sung me lullaby
You fought away the monsters who stole my dreams
Who stole my childhood
Who stole my life

But you vanished into the night
Without a trace
A sound
A word
You left me to fall back into destruction
Into the dark
Into the cold welcoming arms
Of death

Broken
Cracked and Shattered
Scarred
Ripped and Burnt

Heavy heart
Messy mind
Why are all this things mine?
Hollow chest
Numb to everything
Did it all switch off? Or just run away?

Loneliness holds me in its welcoming arms
Saying hello my dear friend are you back again?
And with a knowing glint in his eyes
Loneliness knows I'm alone inside

He holds me in his arms and chuckles as I cry
Shaking his end
Saying he told me so
Told me they all would  go
One way or another
I'd come back
Into the welcoming arms of my old friend
Lonely

Is this goodbye?
Is this the end?
*Is this were the promise ends?

This is were I begin to cry myself to sleep again
This is were the nightmares come back
This is were my life can't go on

I lost the light that scared away the darkness
I pushed the knight in shining armor away
Telling him I can fight my own battles

But I can't

I am just as weak as they think
I am as stupid as they all believe
I am nothing and I just pushed you away

I let you walk away
I didn't even realize until it was too late
But I can't do this on my own
I won't even survive the night

I guess this is it
This is then end
The end of us
The end of everything
Because I made a silly mistake
Aeternum vale
My love, My friend, My everything

**** **** ****
I can't take this anymore
Even when you aren't here you hurt me
You're ghost that won't rest
A demon that can't be beaten


You're a reason I can't trust
Or love the way I used to
You aren't even here yet
you punish me for things I never did.

Yet today you appear
Out from the darkness
Despite my efforts to run and hide
You find me
You destroy me
You just want to see me cry
You want to see me dead!


Fine
If that's what you want
I'll do it

Shove, Push
Punch, Kick
I don't know when to stop
I have no control
I don't know how to do anything
Over and over again I do it
I push you all away
And then wish someone would come and save me
But not anymore I've changed
I'll push you away
And I'll never come back
I can't keep doing this, it kills me to see
You all okay and without me there
But at the end of the day
I didn't want you there

It kills me every time I think about you.
Every single second without  you
feels like I can't breath
You were my life support
but now your gone
And without you here keeping me
alive,
I'll fall back into my deep dark well
never to surface until
I final let go
And come find you in
The shadows

My heads a mess
My heart is torn
You think you can fix me
Your only going to be pricked by a thorn
I'm a mistake that should of never been born
Yet somehow was.
You keep feeding yourself lies to make it feel like
it's worth fighting for me
when you should just turn away and forget
It would save you so much pain and your head wouldn't pound
Your wasting your time just leave it be.
I love you but we can never really be
As I can't be here for much longer
I  can't be fixed nor shall I believe anything you may say.
I'm sorry for causing you such a mess
Just leave now it would be better for you
And stop you from going insane

Every waking moment  I have to live with you
Drives me insane!
Everything I do you do,
I draw
You draw
I write
You write
You are like an itch that just won't go away
This annoying background noise that followers me everywhere I go
And I hate it!
I hate you!
You take everything I am
You are trying to steal my most prized things in life!
You have a constant need to be me
You copy everything I do!
You angrier me so much that I'm like a bull seeing red
One day I'm going to kick out like an angered horse and bite
like a rabid wolf
And your my helpless prey who's had it coming for a long time.

The pale moon shined upon the
black fur
Her  forever changing blue eyes
shone out from the dark
As the animal ran to the edge
Ran away from danger
Away  from judgement
Ran to freedom
To peaceful loneliness
But the small wolf
Longed for something
That she did not know
She thought she wanted
something
someone
But was highly mistaken
She didn't want them but another
Instead of telling her dear sweet friend
Who had fallen for her trap
She fled into the dark
Fled into the mist
Fled from the pain
and into the arms of the night

I have this numbness
Inside my chest
It never goes,
It's has always been there
You think you can cure it
But there is no cure for it.
Stop fooling yourself
Leave me with my numbing agony