When Death comes for me,
I will take his hand,
Like an old friend
And say to him,
"I've been waiting a long time for you."

Will you count the stars with me
until I fall asleep?
I cannot hold them in my hand.
Forever, I will reach out to catch one as it falls.
Maybe their light could provide some warmth.
It's so cold here.

When I came to you,
You were but a child.
Innocent, almost,
Your innocence was fading.
But before it could leave quietly,
It would be ripped away from you.
And I would take it's place.
My gentle touch, the whispers in your mind.
I never hurt, that was yourself.
I'm just a guest in your mind,
But I'm not leaving.
I encourage you,
But you can not blame me
For the scars you made, my dear.
Silly kid, you did that to yourself.

While fate is cruel,
Chance is graceful,
Desperately trying to grant us
a reprieve from fate's cruel ways.

There are two types of tears.

The hot tears that pour from you eyes, suddenly before you realize you're crying. The violent , unrestrained sobbing.

And the cold tears that slide down your cheek as you fight the urge to cry. Quiet, and choked back tears.

I'm going to assume you had a mother,
as so many do.
You might even have a sister.
One day, you'll be a father.
It might be a daughter.

I'm someone's daughter.
Don't you understand?
I'm not just an object.
How would you feel,
if someone did this to your daughter
or mother or sister or friend?

I feel your eyes, trained on my back and lower.
Pretending not to notice, I keep a steady pace.
The click of my heels beat with the staccato of my heart.

I picked the skin off my lips when they weren't looking,
so maybe I could forget your touch.

the other day,
i saw another teenager.
His lips were blue,
and his skin was pale.
Scars peeked out from under his sleeve.
It was like looking in a mirror.
But what could I say?
I  know from experience that words can't make it better.
A split second, our eyes locked.
But I turned away,
and walked out the door.

Most girls who get bullied,
are bullied by other girls.
It's a harsh kind of thing,
The words and the looks,
And when they ignore you.
They pull your hair and take your things.
They might even hit you.

The one who bullies me,
is a guy, so much bigger than me.
Intimidating and he knows it.
He plays with my mind,
Shoving me against lockers
like he's going to hurt me
But he walks away.

I'm left to make sense of his words,
And stop the shaking,
Sometimes, I wish he would hit me,
At least then, I would know what he's doing.
I don't know what he wants,
But he says some frightening things,
I'm afraid he might make good on his promises.

His laugh broke the silence.
I stared at the ground, closing my locker.
Looking up, he looks down at me.
His smirk darkens as I shrink away.
"Just leave me alone, please?"
The whisper falls from my tongue,
but I know he hears.
Another cruel laugh,
suddenly, i'm pinned against the lockers.
and he's talking low.
"Not in a million years."
He walks away,
leaving me with my fear.

Si vis pacem, para bellum - Vegetius
"If you want peace, prepare for the war."

I have been at war for a lifetime.
At war with myself,
At war with the world.

I am tired of fighting,
Exhausted by this agonizing war.
Please let it end.

*I just want to be at peace.

Do you remember laying in the grass,
staring up at the sky, chasing the clouds,
Daydreaming about growing up?
I always wanted to change the world,
Do something amazing,
Make an impact,
Leave a legacy.
The sky was not even the limit,
We could go to mars if we so wanted.
These childish fantasies,
I wish I could have them back.
I would give anything for the innocence
I once had before I was so disillusioned by the world.

I woke up dead.
I was still breathing,
But something inside me had given up.
The light had died.

Maybe it was never there to begin with.
Maybe I've alway been less alive than everyone else.
I like to watch the living.
The way they smile when nothing is special enchants me.

I've not been among them for a long time.
They're beautiful, the living.
They look so natural, so fresh, so new.
Like flowers in the spring before the heat of the summer withers their beauty away.

I wish I could be among them,
But instead, I'll stay alone,
And watch from a distance,
Forever wishing my life back.

When I dropped the plates,
When he pushed me against the wall,
When his hand was at my throat,
When nothing was right,
And I wasn't good enough,
When I was bleeding on the floor,
And the crimson stained his shoes,
When I fought his lecherous touch.
It wasn't enough to save me.

They say that writing is like weaving an intricate lie.
That writers are just excellent liars
Lie to me, story teller, for you make lies sound beautiful.
        
         *I was never a good liar.

I can't, I can't, I can't

Breathe
Don't get the blades.
It's okay that you ate,

If he comes back...

Stop panicking.
Calm down. Calm down.

I can't, I can't, I can't

I wanted to be wanted....



                                                             *...but not like this.

I'm sorry.
I know I get lost in the scenery outside the car,
and I don't speak like I should.
I know you think I'm cold.
It's so much safer to stay behind my walls.
It's so much better for the both of us
if I keep my secrets and my thoughts and my stories
all to myself.
Trust me, It's better this way.

I don't really know what I'm doing.
What my purpose is,
Why I'm here,
What I'm good at.
I don't know.

I don't understand why bad things happen.
Why people are killed,
Buildings crumble,
Cancer takes over.
Good people fall apart

I don't understand why such things have happened to me.
They said I was asking for it.
He told me it was out of love.
She said it was my fault.
My lion said there's no controlling it.

Maybe I'm a bad person.
I asked god why? why? why?
And I have recieved no answer.
My sins must have been far too many to forgive.

Those words do not encompass my emotions.
I am so much more than just sad,
It's not a bad day,
It's so much more.
What I have been through,
And I how I feel,
Is not properly explained.
Not with "I'm sad."
Not with any words.

He told me he was damaged.
I was too,
So I tried to fix him.
If I could save him, I could save myself,
Or maybe he would save me.
But instead,
He broke me further
Instead of mending the rips in my soul,
He tore it to shreds,
And left his marks on my skin.

Close your eyes
And it'll be over soon.
You won't feel the blows
Or his unwholesome touch.
I miss the one who cared for me,
If I close my eyes,
Maybe I can pretend he's here
And not the one who hurts me.
If I close my eyes,
Maybe endings will be easier.
If I close my eyes,
It will all be over soon.

Two faced.
Smile at me, act like everything is fine.
Turn around and tell them how much you hate me when i'm not there.
nice.
back stabber.
I'm sorry I was never enough for you.
I'm sorry i'm cold.
but you doing this to me has only made everything worse.
When you begged me to stop cutting, I never imagined you'd be the reason that I would tear my skin to shreds.

He called me his lion,
even though I told him
female lions are lionesses.
I opened my eyes
and he held my hand.

but then I swallowed the pills
and he saved me life.
I sobbed, disgusted by myself,
that I was still alive.
He simply held me and let me cry.

He stopped the bleeding
and took care of me.
He dealt with my mess and
loved me anyway.
I just don't understand why.

5 am
get up
stumble around
go for a run
take a shower

8:30
go to class
stay in class
pay attention
be awake

12
eat lunch... or don't
does it matter? No.
Lie a little,
smile

2
more classes
more notes
blank stares
empty mind

6
eat dinner? no.
Can't deal with food.
watch some television
do some work

10
stare at a wall
take a shower
do some work
feel empty

1 am
stay awake
cry for a while
stop the bleeding
don't sleep until 3

4 am
wake from a nightmare
muffle the sobs
sleep for a half hour
repeat

She whispers in my ear;
her laughter echoes coldly in my mind.
Skeletal, beautiful.
I want to be her.
I can never be her.
She slinks around,
winning all the attention.
I hate her.
I hate me.
She has driven me to this.
She is self hatred.

Demons are beautiful...
They've fallen from heaven.
Enchanting
Seductive.
It's hard to say no
Not to sin
Lust
Hatred
Anger
Glouttony
Pride
Greed.
Why would you say  no?
You could have all you ever wanted with a simple word.
Just say  **yes.

How do you sleep,
    
*      With the beastly things you've done?

I haven't slept in quite a few days.
A week maybe.
The occasional hour of nightmare ridden rest
has not done anything for me.

I've starting forgetting words,
Mixing them up or saying the wrong word.
Even mispronouncing them.
I barely have the energy to think

I spent an hour crying because I thought I had wrinkles under my eyes,
But they were only bags and shadows.
I'm too young for this.

It's hard to focus,
I sob and laugh for no reason.
I'm cracking
And I can't stop thinking about what you did.
I'm afraid to sleep.

I bite my nails
when I'm nervous
but I took what I had
and painted them red
to match my blood.

They say red is a sensual color
They say it is ****.
But all I see in red
Is blood and drowned hopes and pain,
But maybe pain is ****.
It's oh so beautiful for the sadist to watch me fall apart.

I don't believe in Heaven,
but hell is for sure.
I've looked a demon in the eyes,
and spent a life time in hell.
A sweet facade,
a happy exterior.
But I cannot hide the haunted eyes.
I cannot hide the brokenness
left from a dance with the devil.

I lost my childhood...

Please help me to find it.

For a year or so, I was happy.
Comfortable with myself.
There were always the pervading fears
And the lingering self hatred,
But I was almost happy,
For a while.
But know I see myself again,
And I do not like what I see.
My hatred is back
And I think it's going to stay
For a while.

**** you.
You and your beautiful wings.
My wings have been clipped
and my feathers are ruined.
There's no point in staying behind.
Don't bother waiting.
I'll never be able to fly with you.
Just fly away and leave me with my misery.

I love to watch my skin part.
The way it gives,
Like paper.
The ink oozes out,
This deep red color,
Like the mistakes I've made.
Write a novel in my skin,
For we are walking stories
And it only makes sense
To write it down.

Cupid's existence must be pretty lonely,
Watching all those people,
Fall in love,
But never being able to feel love.

The bringer of love, unable to feel love.
Isn't that a sad irony?

Death like eyes knows little of listening to the cold love hardened words cupped in my hands.
It just wants a way to feel able to be held dear.

Don't leave me...
please...

I don't want this life.

Don't let me do this.

Don't let this go

Don't do this.

I guess it's too late.
goodbye.

Do you want to run away, too?
Do you want to leave me alone...
Like everyone else?

I don't want to be alone.
I can't be alone.
I can't do this anymore,
Why do you have to leave me alone?

I must admit,
I hate to feel.
But burning rage,
is what I feel often.
If you want to **** with me,
two can play at that game.