There are so many voices crowding me;
Overpowering the only lone voice which I truly wish to hear.

Standing in the midst of these voices,
I beg for silence.
That place where I can find peace.
But even after every sound is gone,
His whisper is fading still,
Leaving me poured out and unfulfilled.

Weeping I collapse, begging for his return
But all around me darkness closes in.
Leaving me with no choice but to allow it to win.

-Marie
01/29/2007

I’ve never had such a struggle for words,
As I’ve had since I chose to speak out.
The silence has become almost my prison
Forced upon me, until I no longer know
What it is like to speak at all.

Sitting alone I have no idea where to start,
So repeatedly and regrettably I do the only thing that I know.
Allowing once again for the silence to embrace me.
To draw me in to a place where
Words mean pain, fear, and memories.

Thoughts that I no longer wish to remember.
I realize that I’ve remembered all that I know,
Without exception.
I’ve come to accept my silent defense,
Unwilling to feel the pain of anything.
But one question still remains:

Where do I go from here?

-Marie
02/08/2007

Tonight I don’t understand it,
I feel like I’m going insane.
Half of me is dying to be up there singing,
And the rest wants me to run in shame.
To hang my head in silence, and never sing again.

What is it that I’m losing?
My grip on reality?
In thinking that this God thing is nothing
But a pyramid, a scam, or a scheme.

Don’t I have a right to be angry?
If God gave me the emotion after all?
Then why do people constantly tell me
To shut up and suffer in silence, I’m appalled!

God seems nothing more to me.
Than a mean boy with a magnifying glass.
Pulling my legs off, smoldering my wings,
And leaving my dreams smoking piles of ash.

Everything I’ve known of God,
None of it’s coming through.
My car’s still broken, my body still hurts,
And my mind is still in turmoil over you!

I can’t seem to find myself
Somewhere amidst all of the shame.
If dying altogether is gain, then **** me!
Release me from my pain!
The bible, I don’t want it.
It no longer makes any sense.
The words are ancient and forgotten,
And they didn’t help me then.

Then, the night when I walked through hell,
And screamed into His deaf ears for help.
He disregarded me as if I were nothing,
Insignificant, unworthy of his effort or attention.

If I am in fact a princess,
A daughter of the most-high God.
Why didn’t he care enough to help me?
When I needed my Father the most.

My stomach twists into knots,
***** stings at my throat.
To know that such an omnipotent God,
Fell short, didn’t grab the rope, my lifeline and my hope.

God you have my best interest on Your heart,
You care like that, is that right?
Then where in heaven were You?
And God where are You now?

-Marie
06/08/2005

My frustrations are lost to me,
I don’t speak them for fear that they will be heard,
By someone, anyone, enemy or friend.

That they would take my ranting as discontent,
There’s no reconciliation for that.

I seem to be screaming into silence,
Or was the silence my voice.

My hell, my reality.
My happiness, my void.

-Marie

Tonight it seems as though I’ve returned,
To pages unfinished, a lesson not yet learned.
In a flash my eyes are opened,
Frantically searching for peace.

Begging my heart to slow its pace,
Willing my lungs to breathe.
I wrench my hands from their grip on the blanket,
Unsure still of where to reach.

Although I sit in a silent room safe,
My reality remains unchanged
With simply a blink I’m back in that place
Fighting with all of my strength yet still chained.

Feeling their grip on my body,
My fear too strong to fight.
Hearing those words ring still in my ears,
“Be difficult and you’ll die.”

Their laughter haunts my memory,
Some sick joke I guess.
As I start drifting yet again,
Into that circle of unrest.

-Marie
02/20/2008

Tears stream my cheeks as I pull out the rose.
The heavier the tears, the more I wipe my nose.
This flower changed everything in me
This is where it all began and I finally lost control.
My heart just went completely crazy,
And you have a piece of my soul.

Why did you have to ask me that?
Because now my heart’s in two
My mind is constantly distracted
Because I’m in love with you
If only my dad would approve.

How could you have so much control?
Over my heart, body, and my soul
Please hold me in your arms forever
And never let me go.
Make me feel safe again
The way you used to do
Make me feels as if nothing could touch me
As long as I’m with you.

I felt as if I stood naked
Vulnerable, waiting, completely exposed
As I told you my darkest secret
Showing you each hideous piece
And now you finally know
My horrendous telling is complete.

Okay so now I’ve told you,
Revealed to you all of my fear
Shaking, I think I might be sick.
Then I realize, you’re still here.
You haven’t given up or abandoned me
Though I worry you’ll disappear.

Still you speak words to comfort me
Respect even my boundaries
Not forcing your touch on me
Helping me to settle my mind.

Even when I think I’m at peace
And I thought the battle was won
My demons rear their ugly heads
And I realize the war has only begun.

Tears stream my cheeks as I accept it
Knowing that I’m not alright
Finally seeing the truth for what it is
Darkness overshadowing my light.