What is it about me?
Could it be that I’m wearing a sign?
Telling others that I’d prefer to be
a fixture for them who’s temporary
to completely waste my time.

I’m beginning to see a pattern
One that I cannot seem to break.
Although I’m unsure how the whole thing started
It seems as if I’m doomed to restart it
Only to be left broken hearted
Wondering what I’d done wrong.

If only someone would tell me
What it is that I’ve done
I promise I won’t react defensively
Understanding the gravity
Of what your courtesy extends.

It would help me to end this war
This struggle to find an end.
To finally obtain that priceless reward,
The Daddy who will help me to mend.

I created a change for myself to change my appearance,
And to hide behind the things that identify who I once was.
I am no longer that girl, that child, that innocent
Who once walked this ground, unknowing
And therefore unafraid of those things which lurk in dark places.
That reach out to rip away the faith I had in simple human decency.

To touch me and make me ashamed of those things,
Those fears that make me cry in the night;
Running from the smallest of noises and still not finding refuge behind heavy doors.
For nothing can stop my fear.

It chases my mind in circles,
Mocking me with its laughter.
I seek to find refuge in the things of my past,
Those comforting things that once brought me such peace are now empty.
They are not warm where I might find the peace that I once loved so.
They are cold.

I find myself as a child again, but no longer innocent.
The frailty of my mind cannot fathom the hatred that my heart continues to bear.
There’s a part of my soul which trembles at the thought of ‘everyday’ living.
The monotonous tones and ridiculous patterns of those who do not know what I know.

I scream at them, trying to make them see;
Only to find that I’m dreaming, living in my nightmare where no one sees those things,
Those things lurking and waiting for them,
Soon they will see, and they will know what I know.
Then they will do nothing but simply exist,
They will be as I am.
Marie
08/12/2005

I lie on the floor painting, swirling colors
From red, to yellow, then blue
My canvas a solitary expression
Of the unspoken tones of my mood.

Sometimes it is brightly colored
Where flowers and sunshine abound
The type of image which makes one happy to see it
Gladly showing it to others around.

Other times the colors may not be bright
And the themes of it darker still
Those are ones that are not likely shared
But rather stowed away, tightly sealed.

But still you take what I offer to you,
Whether it be pleasant or dark to see
Understanding the depth of their meanings
And that I’m willing to share them, and me.

Here I sit smiling politely
With a shiny plastic grin
Then I realize that you’ve asked me a question
I’m sorry, what was that again?
You repeat your statement gleefully
All the while smiling broadly at me
Chattering away incessantly
While I search for my escape.

Good manners dictate that I be happy for you,
Be cheerful and toast your success
All the while inside I’m crumbling
Falling apart, my feet stumbling
Even as I am struggling
To regain a sort of balance for myself.

I won’t let you see how this hurts me,
Because although my own cross I can bear,
I couldn’t handle the thought of causing you pain
So my tears remain silent, my cries muffled within
Even as I sink behind my shiny plastic grin.

Marie
-07/07/14

Another night spent drifting,
My memories unbound.
I find myself now anxious.
Not adding up but counting down.

Awaiting impatiently the alarm that I should wake.
Knowing that it will come too soon, any thoughts of rest are now gone;
My sanity at stake.

Watching the hands click mercilessly
On a face I have found as my own.
Until not even looking I see;
Now not even begging, I plead
Wishing for some reason, some peace
From these ever present fears.

Even now as I can’t seem to speak,
Words pour out continually
My laughter is lost in the irony
As the moment for laughing has passed.

But on and on I ramble to You,
Even though You can’t hear me.
And still in my mind’s ear You words echo continually,
“Sleep my sweet Serenity.”

“How can I sleep?”
My anxious mind asks.
How can I forget all that has passed?
Why must I relive these pains
So embedded in my pasts?
Why can I not get away?

Running into the escape of Your arms,
My tears flow freely and I am unarmed.
Silencing every screaming alarm.
Crying for pain in my head.

And as I’ve expected You to, even before
You shush my sobs.
But still I cry more
While silently you hold me
Letting me finally breathe.

Being my strength, my Serenity.

-Marie
04/16/2008

My mind is swirling
Lost in the blinding black.
Colors ricochet throughout my mind’s chambers,
My innermost gardens and intimate places.

Tenderly you touch me there,
And blushing I flee, ashamed.
To know that you see even these private places,
Even the ones which I truly hate.

My shame, my very own ridicule,
It has become a religion to me.
Nay, not religion, simply ritual.
The simple motions I follow through,
As a trained monkey,
Constantly dancing the routines.

-Marie
07/06/2005

I can’t seem to get this out of my mind,
Memories flood my while I sing.
Trying to avoid them, I get louder.
Until no longer singing I scream.

Begging for some sort of refuge,
Knowing there is not an escape.
As if I’m marked by that word,
Not ‘victim’, not ‘attacked’, but ****.
It’s as if everyone could clearly see it,
Etched into my face.

Making escape impossible,
I find myself in a constant race.
Running to the point of exhaustion,
Once again failing, falling, then retreating,
Into my silent, black space.

-Marie
07/30/2006