In the silence of my mind, darkest places unseen.
The parts of me I’d hidden away,
Hoping they would be forgotten.
Thinking they were no longer a part of me.
But no,, stronger still they stand;
Reaching for remembrance.

I long to be that me again,
Yet the darkness draws me near.
The parts of me that loved to hide,
No longer do I wish to forget.

I long for it to embrace me,
To take me back through the memories,
And to re-create me as I used to be.

-Marie,
08/03/2005

I’m sitting here, the same way that I have sat for years.
But now I’m fighting a different demon.
April 4, 2005 (my mother’s freakin’ birthday) is the day, morning, the sum of all my fears.
The second attack; worse, much worse.
No words just empty bottomless fear.
No sleep.
How long can I handle this??
I tried handling this and yet here I still sit.
Staring not sleeping, lost in too many memories.
I have no words to explain myself, nor can I escape my need to.
And you wonder why I live in fear?!
To taste anything but the sick taste of them would be a welcomed escape.
To see anything more than the blackness that they showed me,
To hear something other than my own screams,
Or to even so much as SLEEP!

To close my eyes without searching the silences for any trace of sound,
To lay in the darkness of my own bedroom and not shake from fear.
To know that somehow there is SOMETHING that I can do,
ANYTHING to find comfort in the arms of my husband and to know that he is here.
To be close with him and not worry about some other man invading my head,
Make it stop **** you, please?!
Down me, choke me, **** me, do something!
So that I don’t relive this hell every moment.
Every waking moment.

-Marie

It seems to me I do my best work
When my mind is pre-occupied
Whether it be with worry or drink
My hand finds the pen and I write.

I seem to spill all of my secrets
So easily without my walls
That moment with my barriers shatter
And my unfiltered thoughts begin to fall.

Landing from my pen to the pages
Settling onto parchment in the ink
Until my thoughts have a permanent place
And they’re no longer a struggle to think

In wondering what I should make of them
Or even what I should do
They’re simply a thought laid to rest there
Like a foot print made by my shoe.

Maybe one day I will read them again
But the lack of requirement soothes me
Although it seems that a small about of hindsight
Would then again, behoove me

Then maybe I could avoid my mistakes
And live a life without the animosity
The same string of fears which seems to follow me
Until at last it releases me,
When, empty, I lay down my pen.
Until the next time, when I start to write again.
07/21/14

Why does it seem,
That the days end brings night
A memory of a time when
Blind eyes received sight

Thoughts fight for my conscious mind
Waging war against themselves for my sanity, my peace.
In a flash my eyes are open,
My mind is in a whirl.

Struggling to bring my thoughts to peace
Yet relying on them to reveal truth,
But it seems my reality is
Only the truth which my mind accepts it to be.
Or so it seems…

Suddenly in that moment
My realization dawns,
Truth is lost in one’s perception
And perception will lose in its ever present battle with something.
The opinion of someone who can do no more than to assume.

-Marie
0/8/25/2008

I’m lost in a world I refuse to call my own,
But still its worst attributes define me.

The anger I once loathed, has become my only release,
The single excuse which I cling to for refuge.

I throw my shield up against even the peace seekers,
Those offering a friendly hand are among the ones likely to get burned.

I wish only to accept them, smiling and appreciating their words.
But instead I simply acknowledge them, knowing that within me the anger still burns.

-Marie
08/05/2006

For awhile now I’ve had some outlet,
But now I just feel trapped.

There’s a stirring of emotions, welling deep in my soul
But I can’t escape the instinct to run from it.
Keeping my sanity, keeping myself safe.

Safe? Was there ever such a word?
Or was it a naïve illusion,
Set there to draw me into false security?
To draw my defenses down and allow danger in?

How was it so easy to freeze then but to run now?
My inward battle rages on.
Leaving me confused, empty and tired.
With nothing left to give or say.

I fad into silence once more,
Taking my refuge there.
Blocking every sound, sight, every other person out.
And once again you are left outside,
While I’m inside begging myself to trust
And to finally let you in.

-Marie
02/08/2007

The frustration of everyday monotony, eats away at me.
I am angry with you because you refuse to fulfill,
The simple requests, constantly made of me.

You refuse to realize my fear,
Over things which have been.
I don’t care what I have to do,
I will not experience that again!

Tears stream down my cheeks,
As my fears bubble into rage.
I will not know that darkness again,
The night when all of my innocence was stolen,
Leaving me shaken to my core.
Even the threshold of darkness makes me tremble,
Reliving that fear.
Once again, I say, no more.

-Marie
01/22/2006