Each ****** of their bodies
With each sickening breath.
Only adding to the humiliation
The only relief being…death.

No not a physical death,
Where the body rots away.
But more in the way of my will to fight dying,
Stripping away the faith I had in simple human decency.

Leaving my spirit a trembling child,
Fragile is the word even as I speak it.
Barely letting it tumble from our lips,
Grasping into that time and space
Wishing to preserve it.
Only to have it stolen away and broken.

Shattered and torn searching in desperation
To return to the place where we knew not of such things.
Innocence, there is the word.

Although I wish it and wished it harder still then,
It’s time had come and gone
And we parted,
my innocence and I.

-Marie
09/06/2006

I wake again in darkness
Hot tears soak my face
A silent scream lingers upon my lips
Although not a sound escapes

My mind is still bombarded
With the memories I no longer need
Because each moment is etched on my brain
Making me doubt that I’m the least bit sane
For the fact that I’ve almost given them names
With the frequency of which they come.

It seems at one point I’d be used to it
That my mind would just be resigned
At one point my terror would just be accepted
Free to take residence in my mind.

But sadly this is not the case,
And I fear it never will be
So in turn every night is the same
As these two strange men terrorize me.

Well hell at this point they know me
I might as well call them friends
After all a friend is my enemy’s enemy
So in the end, who is it that wins?

Well my friends, tonight we begin again.

Mistaken, that is what I am.
Too much time spent searching without explanation,
Seeking refuge and comfort from the place where I was taken.

For even as the images they are flood my mind,
In the darkness of my own self-taught solitude
The reality of their truths cut deep into my spirit.
Until I find no use for myself, but to, to what?

Even now my mind searches for a resolution, an end,
Though my soul knows no end will be found.
My time is not near to find rest.

In my anger I thrash out, scratching and screaming
At an all but forgotten enemy.
Only to know that he can neither hear nor feel me.
And that I am reminded daily
Of a night that they have surely forgotten.

-Marie
09/06/2006

Through the haze of my discordant thoughts,
I struggle to find my long lost peace.
In this realization that my battle is lost,
I lose even the strength to bury it deep.

My desire to smile as if it’s okay
To pretend that all is perfect and fine
Dissipates more with each sip that I take
Of this liquid courage, its burn is my fire.

Another few sips and my mind starts to drift
Not unlike another state of mind
In which I’ve felt my spirits lift
Yet this time instead of lifting I’m bound
Not rising up but falling down
Why is this happening, why all of this now?
This makes no ******* sense.

It’s like I stand looking into a mirror
Where my reflection has nowhere to hide
She stands there watching me vacantly
All of my wounds apparent to me
Yet she begs of me only to believe
That on her own she’ll be fine.

Angry now hot tears start to fall
As I hear the truth behind her words
Understanding the lie that they are trying to tell
And I feel her lack of self-worth.

I want nothing more than tell her
That it’s alright to show true
That this is a safe place for her
And she can show herself to you.
Yet I struggle to find the words
Feeling how much she has to lose
As the walls I’ve built up start crumbling
And through this haze I’m stumbling
Finding this all rather humbling
Wondering when it will end.

The point I’m trying to make,
Is lost in the struggle to make my voice heard.

The thickness of mediocrity surrounds me,
Making the relief of breath unreachable, unbearable.

Suddenly I am cold,
My body stale as if I myself had not just lived there.

The place where the unwilling are taken.
The air of that place hangs on my clothes,
A stench I cannot rid myself of.
That place, my nightmare, the sum of all of my fears.

The sounds of that place wake my mind constantly in the night.
To wake horrified from a nightmare only to realize
That the nightmare is truly your life.

Your routines and daily steps,
Pounding their way into your high expectations.
Shattering and cracking them until the tiniest of questions
Blows away anything but that old familiarity which you once denied
But now seem to find pleasure in.

No exit, no escape.
You have become what you yourself one loathed.
Insignificant.
I mouth the word as if I am the one speaking it.
Insignificant.
Repeated as if I needed to hear it again.
Shut out the silences and let me hear the word!
Insignificant.
That is what I am.

-Marie
01/30/2006

These are the words I am afraid to speak,
For fear that someone will hear them.
I’m angry past the point of tears,
But there is no outlet to scream here.

I’ve cried so many tears that I could drown,
But instead of moving up, I’m falling down
Am I wrong, feeling all of this now?
How does this all make sense?

Shaking I put my pen to the paper,
Unsure still of the words to write.
My heart can’t hold back the words,
But to my mind they all seem so trite.

I fell that I’m all but normal,
Because this blocking wall is so high.
On the outside I can make it look alright,
But on the inside I want to die.

All because of the weight of this shame,
I can’t even look into your eyes.
I am ashamed of my own ignorance
My stupidity almost cost me my life.
I pause re-read that statement again,
Maybe I did give up my life.

Re-read it again,
Now I finally understand the emptiness of that night.
On the inside, I died.
-Marie
09/06/2006

I tremble and my heart jumps into my throat.
In the darkness I listen intently.
For a sound, some sign that you’re here with me,
But no longer can I pacify my pounding heart with sound.

I must see you,
I need to see that you’re real.
Not some fake concoction
A device of my own creation,
Meant to fool me into peace.

But again, things have changed.
Still, as I see you resting soundly in my sights,
My eyes blink and I’m in another place entirely.

Sleep is but a fond memory,
A time when darkness meant rest,
And a sweet dream or two.

Now my mind wrestles in the twilight hours
With a whirlwind of thoughts.
And those images aren’t just images
I’m in the movie playing inside my mind.

Screaming I fall into the corner, begging not to seen or heard.
Another night, another battle.
And when the morning comes, I am defeated.

Marie
09/06/2006