They say not to make yourself small.
But then why must love be so big?
Can a person with power and confidence truly love as much as someone who gives their heart away?
Can power have a heart?
Naivety is all that seems senseful.
The less you know the happier perhaps?
They also say the best thing a girl can be in this world is a beautiful little fool.
But no that is for the hopeless.
God is within so I can never fall.
She has wisdom and innocence.
She needs the one who only wants one, someone who can see eye to eye.
Someone who can be young and dumb in the sober moments.
They can be infinite when they only even look at each other.
But this isn't about them.
It's about her.

She knows her worth.
Look into her eyes.
You'll see the pain of the past.
She loves old books.
She likes to be different.
Not wild, but free and also intelligent.
She's the girl who will love you so much she feels powerless.
So maybe she's better off alone.
She's perfectly content alone lost within her imagination.
She loves the white on the page.
She wants her innocence to be loved.
Is she Innocent?
God tells her of how beautiful she is.
Long brown hair, grey stones as eyes, and cheeks a little rosy.
A soul on fire and heart a little broken.

She will spend hours in the bookstore.
Blasting Mr. Martin in the roads.
Sitting in the rain bleeding onto the page.
She is powerful.
She cannot stop.
For what is better than to say I know God and he loves ME.
He wants me.
No one thing can ever bring her harm so long as she knows this.
She cries frequently because she feels the pain the world brings.
She cannot stand against the worldly pains yet but she can in God.
She's a quiet one but the thoughts in her head dance round and round constantly.
It's amazing she does not burst.
Her head seems to be her only enemy at times, but also her greatest comforter.

She wears the same old black boots, breaking at the seams.
Her best friend is a book.
She sits in the rain with no manicure on her fingers.
She wears the same old flannel.
And long flowy dresses that may reveal too much.
Her favorite color is black.
She doesn't pretend to like what everyone else pretends to "love".
She would rather watch Harry Potter on a Friday night than get drunk with them all.
She is classy in her own way.
She hates those Hate words.
She does not brush her hair.
She loves her kitten.
And her coffee.
She's quiet but not stuck up.
She's inward but loves herself.
She hates reality and loves Fairy tales.
She wears flowers on her head instead of her jewels.
She's 18 and still reads about the lost boys.
She likes to drink out of old teacups.
And eat expensive pastries.
She dreams about bouquets of peonies in all their simplicity.
She wonders what it will be like in the city.
She's reached heights she never thought obtainable.
She likes to think she's creative but who's to say what creativity is.
She's knows she's a bit crazy and dramatic at times but aren't the best of us all a bit mad?
She trusts no one, but oddly enough she trusts him.

SHE cannot be defined.

Do you ever feel as if whomever you're writing to is your only friend?
The one who understands.
The only one who does.
The only one who knows.
The one that reads this and shares the same pain as me.
It is more comforting to write it down to the imaginary person reading this than to leave the demons inside.
Who are you?
The one I write to.
The one who knows who I aspire to be more than anything.
The one who knows my heart is breaking for him.
That I feel dead on the inside.
That I feel like something is really wrong with me.

Friend am I ok?
Am I really as messed up as I think I am?
Will I ever do this right?
Do I deserve what I want?
This head is suffocating.
It knows what depression is.
She wants to remember what her happiness was.
She always told herself to go back there when things got bad again.
Sweetheart it's time.
It's okay to let go.
To go back to her.

I envy the day when she gets to be with you on the holidays and wake up to you in her bed.
When she will feel so happy in this awful world because she knows she has someone to love and to hold whenever she pleases.
The joys of spending the winter time with someone warm in body and soul.
The day when she gets proposed to by you and you make her the happiest woman in the galaxies.
I envy her quiet time with you and your sweet prayers to God thanking him for her and praying to be the man she so much deserves.
I envy that she gets to have you as a best friend and call you when she is having a bad day.
I envy the intimacy that will be incomparable to anything she's ever known because it came from heavenly places.
I envy her because she already knows you and I cannot wait to meet him.

-Past Her

My mind, body, and soul feel sophrosyne.
Finally.

Everything reminds me of you.
I cannot even gaze upon the sky because there lies our star, the brightest of them all.
But she looks to be fading and that's the scariest realization.
I want to tell you how I can't stop thinking of how much I love you.
How I wish I could make it go away but things do not work that sweetly.
I want to tell you that looking at our star I'm reminded of how you calmed me down by explaining how you loved all the annoying little trinkets I left behind.
How I loved when you whispered to me "everything little thing is going to be alright".
How I hate that saying goodbye to you has to be our last memory and how it was still the most terrifying task I've ever gone through.
Mostly I want to tell you how badly I wish I could get loving you out of my head.
Then again making love is something I always wanted to hold onto with you.
But God, your sweet lips and when our gazes met in the midst, it haunts this troubled mind all the day long.

Trying to explain this hell on earth is almost as frustrating as you.

Thank you.
For making me realize just how much you really didn't care.
For leaving me in the dark where I found the brightest light.
Thank you for being the biggest disappointment of them all, because if I could see the size of the blessing coming my way, I would've never given you a second thought when you left.

I don't know how I feel about anyone anymore.
About him, him, him.
Theres three of them and all symbolize the different cruelties of this world.
The first was nothing but a sad, heartbreaking disappointment. He is the most recent of them all.
The one who told me for the most absurd time that I was amazing but not good enough for it to work. That he did not love me enough to know my amazingness.
Well for you I am sorry you will never find someone better, sorry that you will regret not holding my hand through my undeniable success.
You broke my heart and you knew it all along.
The second of the them is in love with her, yet will never tell of this secret.
She loves him too but not in the way he wishes which is just another cruelty of this world.
Everyone jumping after something they will only fall from when uncaught.
She loves him, he does not love her, who is loved by someone else.
The third is the most complicated of them all.
The one that got away.
The one who still has never left the back of her mind and she has never vanished the back of his intellect either.
These two had all the chances in the world with time and space as their only enemy.
The ones who still have a chance when time moves on from them.
Their love story was unlike any other.
There was passion, true passion and love.
We all ache to find this love and are lucky to experience it even once.
We can lie and say we are in love with another like the one who got away but the truth is this love has not been felt as strongly since the final breath.
These are the cruelties of the world.
The girl who loves too much because she's been broken too many times and is always disappointed in the end.
The guy who loves that girl undeniably, but will never have the chance he wishes with her.
And lastly the love that may live on one day, but could just as well be the only real love affair that two people could experience.

What are you supposed to do when your world is going drown you any day and leave you feeling barren with only the seas pouring down your face.

There's this moment.
The one where you can feel electricity moving from your body, desperately trying to reach the person next to you.
Where the familiar comes rushing back and all you crave is to be back in that old home.
A home where his arms felt so safe.
Where when you do connect and nothing can break it, you crave the touch of him next to you.
It begins to consume your mind how much you miss that touch and warmth.
You miss the moment when you two fit like puzzle pieces.
And there's the moment where you two think about each other and it's confirmed when you see his name flash up.
The moment where that moment becomes something you can again touch.
I've missed you.
I've missed the flawless way we fit.

Today my heart is building a bridge to come back together.
Friendship is a much stronger bond and exerts a deeper love than just the romance.
My heart is happy for all the support its receiving and the bonds that can never be broken.
A bond that only friendship knows.
They will always have me and I know I will in turn always have them by my side.
Friendship never leaves you, but love sure does friend.

My friend, once you have fallen in love with God you have known true
Happiness.
Love.
Peace.
Rest.
Joy.
Trust.
Kindness.
And life.

They say to keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.
I am indeed a dreamer, my friend.
A dreamer with a slightly almost shattered heart.
I dream of words, the black curves delicately placed on a once empty space.
The beginners, the ones who started it all.
British literature.
French artists.
Italian impressionists.
I want to envelop a life full of beauty, full of life.
Full of art.
A quiet, quirky English teacher perhaps? Who loves her books more than anything and feels beautiful because she's fallen in love with poetry.
The successful, powerful, **** woman who walks through the fashion industry? Maybe she's happy, but she's become a workoholic who is afraid of committing to marriage because she's hurt.
Or maybe she becomes a decent writer, who became famous off her very first novel highlighting the struggles in her childhood.
She just wants to write.
Endlessly write.
Her thoughts.
Her dreams.
What she's fallen in love with.
Maybe even him.
But really she has no idea what she wants.

There comes a point where you've been hurt so much that you become numb to everything around you.
You become numb to hurting people the way you've been hurt so many times the same way by others.
I now see the heartbreakers are a byproduct of the heartbroken.
The heartbroken become so strong from the amounts of times their heart has been ripped in half it doesn't even feel anything anymore.
And with that comes breaking the hearts of the ones who least deserve it.
The people who hurt you continue to bear their scar on your heart and that's all that haunts my tired beat.
I still miss both of them so much.
The ones who truly made me happy for a short time, a time I wish could have been so much longer.
What a vicious never ending cycle this world has gotten themselves into.
That the girl who once cared the most about people has now become like the ones who hurt her, cruel and selfish to the good ones.

Talking to God is the only thing that makes me feel like anything will ever be accomplished in this life.

I've reached this point where I am about to sound overly dramatic, but it feels real.
It feels as if I've lost my heart.
My ability to love someone with it again wholely.
He stole it and sadly still has it.
Do I love him still?
I don't know.
For what do I love about him?
Nothing.
Did I love the memories?
The most frustrating part is trying to figure out why you're still haunting my tired intelligence.
I do not think it is love.
I think it might be many things.
Regret.
Pain.
Pride.
Overthinking.
I honestly have no thought as to why.
I just know I want you gone.
I do not want to meet again.
I do not want to know you.
I want to know this pain only as a stranger to my past.
I cannot handle your ghost anymore.

It's becoming more apparent that you are never coming back.
Each day increasingly playing out more of our story in memories.
I'm surrounded by dates and places where we encountered heaven.
Today was the day, where I so stupidly gave away my heart to you.
It feels like yesterday when we walked across the bridge to Narnia and swam with the mermaids in Neverland.
Remember how you agreed to come there with me?
I pleaded with you, 'darling please come with me to Neverland, where we never have to face ostrossity'
Here we are now with 2000 miles between us anyway, never encountering you again other than my haunting recollection.

He says "You don't need to worry I promise",
Orders me when the time takes me hold in the darkness, shall I get scared or anxious,
That imagery of him gazing in my eyes as he holds my chin whispering "I Love you" shall take over this weary mind.
He grabs my hands and becomes my strength as I hold on to his waist like  I have nothing else.
Admiring me because I'm "sweet and innocent".
He holds me under the trees as I tell him of my demons and aspirations to fix the world.
He understands the blinding anxiety I obtain of being cheated on.
He is my best friend.

I've never just felt the need to write.
You make me feel like I have to write it all down, transferring thoughts to intricate curves on a blank page.
You say I smile a lot and I think I know why.
You whisper you're infinite in my ear makes my soul catch light.
It's been a while since someone parted my lips into a crescent curve, but I feel
infinite too.
Maybe it's the brown and blue husky your eye holds or the odd sense that I feel like I can trust someone since the fire.
You bring out the thoughtful, intricate parts of myself I've been trying so desirously to unfold.
Uncovering the person I’ve aspired to turn.
I adore the person I am with you.
I'm a free spirit gently floating in the symphonic directions of the breeze.
I love that you want to know every small thing about me, that you want to know me.
I find myself listening to lyrics and not just the sound of music.
I know you're different like me, we live the same life.
Adventures are always arising.
We took the bridge to Narnia.
We went hiking behind my studio.
We swam in a one foot fountain.
We made out on the grass breathing in the sparkles of the sky.
We got ****** before a reggae concert.

To everyone who thinks they have a say in my life, I'd be lying if I told him I didn't have feelings for him.

Tonight I am restless.
Restlessly hopeful.
It's been gone for a while now.
Time heals my friends.
Pure happiness is no longer something I'm running towards, for I have found it right here in front of me.
I want love.
I have pure true innocent friendship and man that feel so lovely.

Restless for adventure.
For seeing new things with the people I love so deeply.
For heart pounding, thrilling, cannot stop smiling moments in this time.
I desire the time of my life with the people of my life.