Tonight I just don't know what's happening.
No fancy nor creative way to put how I'm feeling.
You're gone.
And the thing is it hasn't even hit me yet because we're still on speaking terms.
I can still write those words to you whenever I please.
But I feel lost and confused.
I don't know where to turn for happiness anymore really.
I just want you here with me tonight.
I'm lonely and cold.
I crave your warmth.
It's too cold.
Just hug me tight as the rope.

God you are too good to me.
I woke up this morning with the ability to feel blessed and thankful for all that you are doing.
Every time something goes wrong something good comes out of it and you have such a way of making everything whole again.
That is the message of Jesus, taking a broken person filled with holes and making them whole again.
You bring me so much joy Lord and I wish I could worship you every second of every day with songs of praise.
You are so gracious, beautiful, forgiving, and loving.
How could I or anyone else need someone else to fill this void.
You will never leave me or forsake because you have promised me this.
You have promised me a bright future that will make everything of my past worth it one day.
I have no desire more than to make you proud of me and follow the path you have so lovingly laid out for me.
I desire to hold your hand through every minor part of my life and even more so as I move the mountains in my life.

What is my place in this life currently.
What am I supposed to be doing.
I feel so strongly that this is a time where I'm supposed to find things, search for things, see new things, be something new.
Things are slowly slipping away to make this possible.
I have such a craving to focus on God, him, and these soulful experiences awaiting me.
Looking at me like a rabbit with a stopwatch begging me to follow them to Wonderland.
I am so suddenly willing to follow.
Willing to drop it all and see everything that has been missing down the hole.
I have passions and commodities of thing I love, yes, but that does not feel like right now.
Right now feels like camping on the beach, driving five hours to see the love of my life, sleeping in the car on a mountain with him by my side, eating those delicious pastries and drinking the most bitter of coffee; so unlike the spark I see in him.
I'm so inevitably, undeniably, irrevocably in love with the most old, gorgeous, kind soul I have ever encountered.
The taste of coffee, something I have known as a friend for so long, has come to remind me of the taste of him on my lips, the smoke dancing around his breath.
Curiously my mind always wanders to his old soul, the one that loves Billy Joel, the voice we listened to on that music box the time he crowned my finger in a wooden promise.
He is as handsome as the sun when it sets and as sweet as the syrup you taste in the morning.
Nothing is more enticing and satisfying than waking up to the natural scent of his sweet demeanor and kissing that ever so charming smile every single chance I can grasp.
My heart is compelled to explode as it cannot understand that this person has finally found their way to me, as if I dreamt up this soul and he came to me in the last membrance of the nights previous endeavor.
When I think of the future, I see only him, being my partner in crime.
Being there with me, holding my hand as we both accomplish our so closely reachable dreams.
I see myself having the honor of marrying my prince in the most whimsical, fairytale, forest you've ever laid your eyes upon.
I see those pink, fluffy flowers, I see that crown of peonies laying atop her head, his face looking at her as if he's seen angel and cannot stand the beauty she has longed to give to him for so long.
The face of a man so in love with his princess and so happy that they finally get to be forever wed in the way that most pleases God.
These two will have the most refreshing and kind love story anyone has ever seen.
One so full of kindness, love, bravery, honor, strength, honest, patience, and passion.
They will be so happy with all that they will be blessed with and be the happiest little fairy family that ever lived within the bungalow they made a home together in.
They will laugh and play and smile and cry together.
They will be so full of love for each other that people could tell noticing only an insignificant exchange between their eyes.
They will fight yes, but only with their hearts flooded with the love they feel for each other and will inevitably end in the most passionate of encounters.
They are the story that has yet to be told in this era.

I saw your ghost today and yesterday.
It terrified me how much my soul and stomach sank to the oceans just by the sight of some stranger who looked like you.
I wonder if I ever saw you what would actually become of me.
You're haunting this tired and dying heart that's still so in love with you.

What do you do when you dream so much but begin to realize that you're dreaming of the past and not the future.
Yes, far I have come, but I still miss the past.
But how can you miss something that's past.
It's never coming back and even the most intelligent mind can fail to grasp that.
Letting it go is a figment of the imagination.
All you want is for that thing that got away to come back to you.
I dream of the day when we encounter one another again, but for now I'll go on pretending like you disgust me, because thats the only to not be so pathetic.

I dream of the day when I've moved on and you're gone from this tired memory.
The day when someone has showed me of my past stupidity and the faith I have now is turned into a physical blessing.
When the glory has come through the pain.
They Christians feel the most pain and I don't doubt that for one second.
We are dreamers and we dream of a world where pain is nonexistant and all of our wildest, impossible yearnings are suddenly so close to our reach.
Yet, we patiently pray to our Heavenly Father waiting in faith in this world of pain for the one thing we want most.
Love.
We can so easily grasp it too.
All we have to do is discover the love of God, yet we so desperately and stupidly grasp onto human beings to bring us this gift.
They will always disappoint and leave of dying of thirst.
We need him and only him.
I wish I would actually believe what I so desperately plead with others to grasp.

But here I am still wanting him.

The entrapment of this mind is starting to **** me.
Trying to explain this frustrates me even more.
When my heart feels something my mind tells it even more how to react.
Which makes me feel crazy.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle you.
I feel too much for your already and with that comes my heart.
My heart longs to be with you but you're causing more destruction to me inner being than good.
I'm still stuck in the labyrinth from them and I don't think it will ever go away.
I've prayed to God to take it away but I feel like I'm getting worse and worse and my mind won't shut off.
I want to be freed from the ropes suffocating my brain.
Depression is sinking in and I'll do anything to make it go away.
She likes to submerge herself in something and sadly it cannot be him or she will be broken.
All I know is I feel so hurt right now.
What is wrong with me.

Hello to whoever you are.
My friend whom I write to.
Things have been changing lately.
I have changed.
I asked God to do something and he did.
For that I am blessed.
But I'm stuck on Saturday.
The day in between the bad thing that happened and the day where I'll feel happiness again.
I'm waiting patiently for the one I can tell everything to and give my heart to.
I think he still has it but for now, I'm peacefully assured by this.
I want to wait this time for the one who loves you more than anything.
The one who makes me feel adored and extraordinary.
The one who won't make me lose myself in the process of the journey.
One who will talk with me late at night about my fears and dreams.
Who will pray for me in times of trouble and be there in the trials.
A helping hand to bring me closer to my King.
I long to know someone like myself.
I'm still getting to know her but I know she deserves what she wants.
She has worth and wants the glory from the pain she's known.
She's been hurt but she's going to be strong for him because of it.
Darling I can't wait to meet you.
For it will be the greatest pleasure to know you.

I'm in love with the most beautiful soul, the love of my life.
But she takes flight in the sky wishing you'd still be her knight.
She smiles down at him remembering the last moments and knowing that she'll see him in a minute.

Do you ever wonder when you’ll be kissed next? When someone will genuinely look at you and think “she’s so beautiful and I want her to know that”. Then they kiss you and you know they meant it because they think you’re a beautiful person. That will be next kiss I hope to receive. Not the drunk sloppy kiss, the meaningful, deep, slow, impression on the crescent between my lips.

It is still a  summers day,
my adventurous bone is still so so heavy.
Not for that city of stars though.
For Gods creation, for his artwork and paintings.
The most incredible artist who ever lived.
We are so blessed to be living in such a marvelous place.
The trees and flowers are the beings that speak the most to me,
they have so many stories to tell.
Names created and gifted so carefully.
My God is so much on my mind,
the incredible extraordinary blessings he has poured out over me convinces me nonetheless how much he loves his creation.
He loves you too friend.

What is a life without chasing a dream you're terrified could blow up in your face at any moment?
I crave failure.
I want to know my destiny and in the midst of horrible pain is where I know to rise up in victory.

How did I end up surrounded by people who need to leave this world to have fun?
Constant talk of bongs.
Lsd.
Shrooms.
***.
Alcohol.
I don't belong.
What's wrong with going out and seeing the world?
Explore the world.
Remembering what you're doing.
There lies so much more out there.
The things that I hope for.

I feel trapped inside my own head.
The thoughts cannot transcend into words.
I feel myself shutting down on the world.
But opening at the beginning of the light.

Why must I be so uptight.
It's not even my life.
I hoped so much more for you my darling.
That you would look around and love what you see.
That you wouldn't want those things.
That you would want for us.
I pray for you.
I'm in love with you.

Why is there pain.

Let me define the term M83 for you; the voice of angles multiplied by your most incredible dream attempting to become the sounds of heaven, may have the effect of making you feel infinite and being unaware that you as a human could ever hear something so angelic.

I feel my anxiety getting worse.
I feel things were going to get better one day.
But there just stuck in turmoil.
I don't know how much ******* more I can take.
The blame.
The pain.
The crushing inside my heart.
Why do people blame me for everything?
It's not my fault none of it is.
But they all make it my fault.
It's hard to stay true to myself.
Why'd you hurt me when you knew?
You knew it would hurt and you did it anyway.
Why do people hurt others on purpose?
Especially the ones they love.
Jesus I pray you come back soon.
Save me from this hell on earth.
What if it is my fault.
What if I'd never said anything?
What if no one ever knew and things were still the same?
You were my distraction.
The good thing in my life.
And now it's shot to hell.
I don't know who to turn to.
There's so much pain pouring out of me.
Why do you want to hurt me?
Your daughter.
Your creation.

I'm beginning to ponder, did you ever exist at all or did my intelligence concoct a fantasy where you were a nightmarish dream?

Lately I just want to know your voice still exists.
That I don't have to actually believe I'm never going to see you again.
That this might be as hard for you as it is for me.
I want to look into those huskie eyes of yours.
The ones I fell in love with.
I just want to see you one last time.
And run away to Neverland together like you said we would.
I still love you
And I miss you so much darling.

That moment when I catch him staring at me.
You know he's in love.
It's the way that any girl hopes she will be looked at at least once in her life.
The look of amazement and adoration in his blue and hazel eyes.
It's breathtaking that someone could show how in love they are with one look.
He's so beautiful to me.
This is a love that I feel lucky to know because it's better than any love story I've seen.

I've tried my hardest not to be angry with you.
I really do want you to be happy.
But now I need to blame the hurt on someone.
You've left me for a greater knowledge and no consideration of how this may effect me.
I am angry.
And only can be angry with you.
I said I would never hate and it's against my nature to hate you.
But you ripped my heart out and you did it without paying my mind.
I'm so mad at you but that stems from what once was the strongest love I felt.

When you have God you have no worries, only *peace

It was a neutral, fair weathered, mid October Friday night in downtown Raleigh, the sky painted with stars, but barely visible as lights are strewn out everywhere, glittering as they are draped across buildings to create a corner hidden from the rest of the world. There are also lights from the many expensive cars lining the already tight streets; Chrysler, Infinity, Volvo, BMW, but also there’s an array of Hondas and the Chevy I am currently riding in to get there myself.  The lights continue to follow my evening as the holidays are approaching, accompanied by Christmas lights hanging from local breweries. The skyline is made up of buildings mimicking an array of Christmas trees on a Christmas tree farm in December; one my favorite times of year.

The spirit of the air is carefree as people gather to unwind from the week before and have a good time with whomever they are with or alone. The variety of people is similar to that of Candy in a candy store; all there for the same purpose, but different in minor ways. Groups of friends occupying the sidewalks outside of restaurants, breweries, dessert bars, coffee bars, boutiques, and galleries. Hipsters walking proudly and dancing in the streets owning who they are in their hometown or possibly visiting to experience the uniqueness the beautiful city has to offer. Most people dressed their best to welcome the night before them and enjoy the company of their friends, walking around to whatever comes their way.

The atmosphere is quiet, peaceful, and chill but the night is nothing short of alive just like the people I experience. Young couples and individuals line the streets exuberating their young lively spirits into the air as they exhale smoke from their cigarettes. The streets are also lined with a couple individuals that seem a little sketchy, but that’s just because they keep to themselves and walk alone, not effecting the safe atmosphere Raleigh exuberates. Everyone seems to be focused on only who they came with, concentrating on what they will do that evening. My plans included dinner at The Pit, one of the greatest BBQ places I have ever been in my life.

The first place I went to this evening was a Chocolate Shop called Videri Chocolate Factory with the most intriguing vibe I have possibly received upon coming into a store. There are lights strung from the ceiling and a glass case containing expensive, gourmet chocolates made in house. As I continue to walk around the store there is a whimsical feeling I get when I notice the coffee bar and more Christmas lights hanging around and intricate glass cups behind the counter. Continuing down the corridor there is a large glass window displaying where the chocolate is made, making the experience even more real. As I continue to look around the store I notice most of the people are middle aged to older; the people with money. The chocolate in the store is not cheap, but I think most of the people who come to downtown Raleigh are also paying for the experience.

Upon leaving the shop I notice the outside of the store and this is one prime example I think of when I think that people physically impact the place in which they live. The picture shown above of the chocolate shop mimics so much of the personality of Raleigh that I have noticed. The store is made of bricks on the outside that you can tell have been there for a really long time, but displays a modern, exciting font and the final touch of bright white lights adds a perfect finish to the display of the store. The people of Raleigh (or the ones I have noticed the three years out of living here myself) tend to migrate towards vintage, old things and appreciate the beauty of unique sights that make you feel special and unique yourself upon going there.

Another key factor in the imagery of this shop that reminds me of the people of Raleigh is the artsy aesthetic that the door holds with the lights. There are so many art students who consistently go to downtown Raleigh and they are a part of what makes the atmosphere so bright and exciting. While the people who visit downtown Raleigh are looking for those vintage vibes and artsy aesthetics they are also incredibly modern much like the font the door holds. They are caught up on what is currently in style and trend setters themselves, but interpret it in a way that fits them personally. This to me is the only thing that people of downtown Raleigh have in common; they are old fashioned, vintage, modern, and unique all at the same time, perfectly mirroring the city in which they live.

God told me today he works for the good of those who love him.
Lord, I believe you and I choose to have faith for once in my life when it feels difficult to even breathe.
You have promised me a better life and I give you my struggles of heartbreak.
Lord, turn this misery into a testimony and make the sun stand still in my life.
Give me the faith to trust what you say.

Today I met you a year ago,
I wish someone would've been there to tell me I wouldn't know you now.
To stop me from falling into the most bittersweet trancing pit of my time.