January 1st at midnight was the moment I forbid my conscience to acknowledge your existence any longer.
It's been haungingly unbeautiful and sweetheart I'm happy and relived to express I shall no longer scribble another slash of word encumbing you.

What is this feeling of desperating despair my heart is pounding at me.
I feel joy and light but there's something of darkness I'm being dragged toward.
How can I feel so so passionate but still have this panging feeling of panic pawing at me violently.
Is it because I so desperately want him to know that I believe the sun shines towards him in my existence.
That I am undeniably in love with his sweet demeanor and carefulness.
Is it because my soulmate has finally found his way towards my raging heart.
It's been so long since these words poured out of my intellect and someone has been worthy enough to be some of a muse.
The smell of mint dancing on his breath to put out the smoke of his heart is the most intoxicating sense he has upon me.
Our intellects are one in the same and the goodness of light is seeping through the common words on those pages.
I love him.
I do.
I want to know him and his spirit for as long as this life allows me.

I fear I am losing myself again.
Not that I was found before, but I ache to be that person I once was.
The one who acquired kinship and required nothing more, nothing less.
The one who learned what it was to say no and be truly healthy; mind, body, soul.
Happy in her chaotic, inventive intellect.
She settled for nothing less than her prayer of him, however she fears he will be like the rest.
She has settled her weary mind and expects forever this time.

She worries of nothing these months, but is dismal for the day she loses her adolescence.
People think her insane when she talks of her dreamery and passions.
She aches to never grow up, for that is where creative aesthetic is lost.
"Stay with me forever Alice and Peter", she says.
Tell me the stories behind your pages and never cease to keep alive in this wit.
Remain as deranged as the lions mane atop her cleverness.
The one her maternal never loved.
Remain fierce as Aslan and gentle as a peony.
Most of all never lose confidence of your creative destiny.

The thing about dreams is they so badly want to become something other than a dream.
Dreams want to become real.
They crave reality, but oh they're so stuck in a fantasy.
Dreams have a dream of becoming something other than what they see in their sleep.

A love story is not one that can be told.
It must only hope to be seen and lived.
Passionately in love within it's heart.
He is such an extraordinary soul.
Talented from within the creative marrows.

Darling you know I'll love you to interstellar.
You're a soul on fire, a heart full of passion, and a mind full of questions.
Eyes living their own colorful mystery of life.
Dreaming of seeing the entirety of every single atom.
Air kisses traveling so afar.

Sweetheart won't you please blow your babygirl air kisses from afar?

How can I possibly be hurt by you when God is standing by my side holding my hand, comforting me that in the end we've already won.

People reminisce of how she looks better now with addition of lbs.
But she loves herself.
The models they're skinny too but they're beautiful like she feels.
They call her anorexic and she aches.
She knows.
Ribs peeking through the canals of her back.
Limbs long and thin.
Did she pick to be looked upon this way?
Giving the models a hard time because they make themselves anorexic.
No, God made them to be this way.
Ignorance.
He crafted them of his own  intricate beauty.
They are unique in every inch.
She does not aspire to be like them.
As her stomach spins when comments of judge loom.
She knows that God too made her to be this way.

Love is weird.
It saves you and it breaks you.
It creates the most beautiful moments in life and it also creates the moments where you discover yourself in the pain.
Alaska wondered when we would ever get out of this labyrinth, and I think the answer is never.
The things who make us who we are, the people who have caused us pain from the beginning of our existence, they effect the whole of it.
These things make you over invest and care too much, just because you yourself never want to cause someone the pain that the person did to you with the first straw.
Again, these moments are beautiful.
They are painful, but would we rather be in pain than stuck in nothingness?
Beautiful people cause these moments, and it's the beautiful people who hurt the most.
The ones with the beautiful souls and the already broken hearts.
They ache to find it, they ache to mend it for a second.
They ache to never cause anyone pain as they have been caused.
And in the end, even the ones who hurt these people, they struggle to move on from them, because after all they were both beautiful people.

What am I going to do when this is a real thing.
When I'm forced to notice you aren't there.
That you're never coming back.
I'm in so much pain.
So much fear and anxiety.
I just want to know you're going to come back this fall.
That you're not actually going away forever.
You're my best friend.
I don't understand.
I don't want to imagine this without you.
I'm terrified that I know you won't show up.
How is it that I'm never going to see you again.
It just hit me and I feel like I'm dying on the inside.
God please help I'm so afraid.
I still love you so much.
We were supposed to be together every night.
Waking up with one another in the morning.
But everything we talked about isn't happening because you left me.
And you won't ever be back.

The girl that loves too much is the same girl who wonders when she will be happy again like she was when she was loved.
The girl who feels so alone now that he isn't here and up and left taking all the warmth of her heart.
The girl who wonders when she will be herself again and be able to love.
Wondering when she wont be broken anymore.

I always feel a prying demand to write when you come back around.
Darling, our story lives on as I knew it would.
It may not end well, like most love stories, but I do know I have patiently awaited this day for many a months.
You told me at the departing of 6B that you would in fact see your tum again.
You told me not to let anyone tell I'm not worth it, even when you said I wasn't.
You were unable to move on as easily as you thought.
I think leaving an impact that strongly on someones life is so flattuous.
That moment when Edward told us how hard life was, was such a beautiful moment.
Crying over you was the most satisfying love that I Have yet known.
You're coming back for me and that is something my dreamery has not let me cease to acknowledge night upon night.
Now they have ceased as you return.
I dream of myself once more and not of your face.
I have peace again.
Another goodbye is inevitable but will be nothing compared to the last.
We will lay again for hours making love, laughing, and fantasizing intimately on our dreams.
My best friend will be there once more for me to pour every intricate thought onto.
He always listened to what was spoken from these broken lips.
Although this will be my destruction, God it is so worth knowing you.
The moment you cannot explain why you love someone is more powerful than making up reaosns to satisfy yourself with unhappiness.

I hurt. I just really hurt. He hurt me. They hurt me. Them hurt me. They all hurt me.
Of course this is right after they tell me how amazing I am, how different and beautiful I am.
So then what the hell happens in their intellect next when they decide they have me and then cut me loose.
When I finally decide to trust again thats when they get you the most.
When they dangle you in front of their compliments and then just let go as quickly as they first had you.
When does this cycle actually end.
Is it even worth the physical emotional love and knowing someone.
The pain is almost too much to bear yet we keep doing it again and again and again.
People like me never win.
The ones who would do anything for a perfect stranger they just met.
We're truly the best people in the world, the most beautiful creatures, but this world is so so so cruel.
The ones who love God, the ones who fall away to earthly things so easily.
Struggling and trying so hard not to drown from trying to be both.
Knowing what the answer is but still fighting the tired urges of the body to just feel better somehow.
What is there for us to do, what can we do.
To escape the hurt for just one second.
Chain smoking cigarettes to get any high at all, to escape the inevitable labyrinth at all.
Wine bottle after wine bottle, only to realize that God is the only answer the next morning.

That feeling when you wake up after letting the rivers flood your sheets the night before and the next morning the floodgates still haven't closed after you thought every drop was run dry.

For those of you who know my writing, you know it has been dark the entire last year.
What I am about to express here is the light that has illuminated through my life.
I am a Chritstian.
That sentence alone probably just turned half the world away, but please keep reading.
A lot of people in this scary and dark world have the completely wrong idea about what it is to be a Christian.
If you are a Christian or if you are the farthest thing, I need to explain something to you.
Please don't let the darkness overwhelm you, there is light.
The world grasps Christians as the largest group of hypocritical, judgemental people that exists.
I want to tell you what I think Christianity is.
Christianity is not a religion.
It is a relationship with Jesus as your best friend, Lord, Savior, and even Father.
Being a Christian is not about following rules or what you even do at all.
It is about where your heart is.
If you are hurt, broken, guilty, prideful, arrogent, loving, kind, or even downright a terrible person,
let me tell you something.
IT DOES NOT MATTER.
God still loves you more than anything in this world above or below.
Even if you think you are the **** of the planet, God still loves you as much as the most beautiful and kind hearted person on this earth.
Even as much as Moses himself.
Nothing you can do friends will ever separate you from the love of God.
He thinks you are the most beautiful thing He has ever created.
You are His pride and joy.
So, now that you know God loves you no matter what you will ever do or ever did let me tell you why he loves you.
God loves you so much that he sent his only son Jesus down to the earth from Heaven to let humans sacrifice his perfect son for all of us horrible sinning humans so that we can be forgiven.
Without this beautiful sacrifice no human could ever be good enough to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but Jesus became the bridge and because of his death and resurrection on the third day, we can one day walk across the bridge to be with God.
Friends YOU are forgiven.
You are forgiven through Jesus' blood and can now have a relationship with God and receive all the benefits of walking with God through this trialsome life.
I plead with you to let your aching hearts find rest in the love of God.
Believe that His son Jesus did in fact died for your sins on the cross and repent from your wicked ways.
Through believing you can bask in the golden sunlight that God so lovingly allows us to feel.
Ask Jesus to come into your heart and change you so that you can be transformed in mind, spirit, and body.
Friends, you will not believe how incredible and amazing it is to walk with God.
The best thing about living a life with Jesus at your side, is you are never alone.
He will never leave you or forsake you.
He is a refue and a place of comfort.
I come from a place where my heart has been broken so many time by my parents, guys I thought who loved me, and even just a state of depression I thought I could never get out of.
But God shined the light on me and showed me the greater things out there for me.
There is no catch to being a Christian, only benfits.
You will gain everlasting life and never have to worry another day of this trialsome life because God has a beautiful perfect plan for you.
Put your trust in Him and give all your struggles to God and give yourself the freedom to live in perfect, everlasting peace.
For all Eternity.
Come and find your freedom friends.
His arms are open and ready for you and He is running to you with all He has.
Accept His grace and knock on the door of life.
Any one of you who seeks will find.
Seek the Lord and He will come and shower with His glory, love, peace, strength, grace, and so much happiness you will burst from inside and your sould will be consumed in a joyous fire for life.
Come all you who are weary and finally find your rest.

Please do me a kindness and cease stalking my dream world.

The dreams of what I hope and aspire to be are outweighing the pain of my past.
The excitement and beauty I see in my future are worth every bit of disappointment I've conquered.
Yes, the memories of my mind are tying a noose around a struggling heart, but love of my King is replacing it with a crown of worth.
I will grasp what I've always deserved and dreamt of.

I am so sorry for not trusting you more. I thank you for constantly letting me come back to you after falling astray and not including you in whatever I am doing in the moment. Please forgive me for not trusting you in every area of my life sometimes. I should know by now that your way is always perfect and beautiful in its own unique way. You were right about Ben and I'm so happy I got away from him. He is condescending and makes me feel inadequate. I know the man you have picked for me to marry would never make me feel this way. He is hurtful and knows he is hurting me but refuses to sacrifice his moments of happiness for a hard but worth it future with me. I am worth it. You've told me this many times. Lord I love you and I thank you for this heartache. I feel like it is definitely starting to wither away. I will always care about him in some capacity but from here on I don't feel like he will have a hold on my mind. Thank you Lord for answering my prayer and that I don't have to wonder anymore about what it would've been like to have a long distance relationship with someone who would not have cared. And probably cheated on me. I finally got the closure I needed and won't miss the long pauses on the phone where I expected you to fill them with how I wanted you so desperately to feel about me. The empty spaces forever filled with disappointments that you never could satisfy. I pray Lord that bring me the man who will stay up late to talk with me about dreams and your Kingdom we both wish to come home to one day. The one who will love you so much more than anything on this earth including me. You are so good to me Lord and I will wait for this man. I pray that you would keep me pure for him in every way, mind , body, and soul. Please turn me into the Proverbs 31 woman. Lord I also want to thank you s much for my incredible family I am so blessed to have two parents who love me to the ends of this earth. Thank you for the lonely times and for the wilderness I have come to know in as I walked through these shadow places. For the first time in months I understand your purpose and got a glimpse of your plan through my own stubbornness.You truly work all things for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purposes.  And glory will come from this pain as I rise up from the ashes. Lord Please give me the faith and courage to walk with you for the rest of my life. I'm tired of falling and slipping away from you so often. I want to stand on firm and solid ground with you and look toward heavenly things unseen all the days of my life. I love you so much Lord. Happy Birthday Jesus, I'm so glad it's Christmas.

-Amen

Tonight is one of the worst I have yet experienced.
I cannot stop thinking about him.
Regret is starting to sink in that we didn't try my love.
That we did not give what I thought was so strong a fight.
Belly I think we could have made it past the terminal.
Sadly, I don't think we will ever get the chance to know.
I miss you more more than I have in a while and the memories come in waves.
Tonight, without you, I'm drowning.
I want you so badly to be mine again.
I still love you and I've never been more sure than right now in these passing months.
You were the one who understood me, my best friend.
I'm petrified that I will never know another who could read me like their favorite book.
Who could do anything and make me smile.
And God that sweet sweet face who looked at me like I was everything in the world to them.
I love you Ben..
I'm not sure when I'll stop.

Drunken thoughts.
Not too late at night but just when the party starts.
I'm reminded of how much I used to be in love.
But this saddens me.
I know now that it was partially a sham.
False hopes and dreams were hidden in the silence you never spoke of.
Fantasies of what this future would be like with you by my side, but all I see is the ghost of you in my memories.
You guys don't understand how longingly wrenching it is to realize you never had the same intentions and dreams as I.
That you never spoke of your dreams because you knew they would break my heart.
Here we are, me wondering if things were as passionate for you as they were for me.
If all those sayings, words, and feelings, were just spoken to give you something before you actually left.
If I was kept around to be strung out until the end giving you everything you knew I would have.
I was so in love with you.
You knew it too.
You knew I would have stayed by your side until you told me to leave.
That even if I had known the truth of your unwanting, I still would have loved you with the darkened heart I owned.
Turned dark for you.
Left as the one who was emotionally attached by love for you.
You left as the one physically attached to me, body langauge proving to be the only thing you miss.
Maybe you miss my smile, maybe you miss my beauty.
Maybe you miss the ***.
But I miss the emotional attachment of my once best friend.
The one who talked about my dreams with me.
The one who held me as I cried about losing you.
The one who told me to look to our star when I feared of never seeing you again.
But not once did you understand what you were putting me through.
You left and I doubt you ever felt bad about leaving me.
Because I could never do that to you and then cut you out of my life like it was nothing.
Maybe I still love you.

I caught a glimpse of our star tonight and it made me remember.
The first time.
The last time.
The first kiss.
The last kiss.
The first date.
The last date.
But most of all I thought of December 4th B.
And what happened under our star all these passing months.

Trying to pretend Shes okay is becoming more suffocating than She can handle.
She aches as she enfolds herself in the mask of joy that she feels nothing of on the inside.
Trying to show him that she can be happy without him, without the closeness they once shared.
That she's strong and independent.
But she isn't.
She isn't okay.
She burns from her surroundings.
Only catching fire from them every day.
Soon to be no more than ash.
The only thing that keeps her sane at this hour is the unsoberness she's put upon herself since the night he left.
Sober thoughts, but a sleepless soul without.
She knows it's unhealthy but it's all she can do to keep sane.
From her best friend being gone.
And her mother becoming her biggest fear.
So she lets the alcohol **** the pain.

She doesn't know much more of the criticism she can watch unfold.
"Where's your makeup" she says.
"Is that the best you can do? the best you can present yourself"
"What are you wearing?"
Loving.
Motherly.
Yelling.
Anger.
Snapping.
Craziness.
Happy.
Sh­e's terrified that she will see the same person staring back at her one day in the mirror.

She's trying.
She's lonely.
She's lost.
She feels the distance and it's terrifying.
When the moon reaches high, she cries herself to sleep night after night.
She just wants to be stronger.
But she feels so overwhelmingly weak.
And she can't show that to him.

I think I'd rather fall in love with someplace than someone.

We're on our way to making it my darling.
Whether or not that is together is another thing,
but our dreams are becoming more than just pictures we've created in our fantasies.
Fantasies running away from reality.
He started out only a year ago and now he's selling tickets making it to the top one clever lyric at a time.
Her dream started two years ago with a small fashion show with a pair of flannel harem pants and a role model.
Yesterday She strutted her way down towards her dreams glimpsing the future one collection at a time into the faces of the most valuable.
Each one holding a different key to her doors of success.
She has a bright, promising future.
Her abilities limitless with the help of her true mentor.
She's been broken so many times, but flying into the sky higher after each crash.
She's pompous and starry eyed.

Its Christmas day today.
I feel so thankful and happy that today was the day my savior came into the world.
He is the only thing that I need and tends to keep me sane.
I also hate this time of year though.
When it becomes so painfully obvious just how alone you actually are and that you are no where closer to having a family of your own.
He's leaving and going into the navy.
My love.
The one who I thought would never leave me, inevitably is just like all the others.
They all leave, but maybe they aren't leaving maybe someone is taking them away to make room for my actual destiny.
I struggle so much to even want that real love in the end.
Nothing is forever, so why subject myself to that kind of possible future misery.
My parents barely make it and all they've done is make it a mission to see who can hurt the other more until they actually fall in love again.
I want real, honest, true, gracious, patient, passionate, silly, childish, love. The love that will last forever, the love that only God can bring or make possible.
He must love God more than he could ever love me, because then he will filter Gods love into me.
He will be there whenever I need him, just a phone call away and at my side as a real partner.
We will have the love of a new generation, where it is real, so true, and so pleasing to God and the both of us.
I long for that day and I am willing to wait as long as possible for that dream.
The dream of being with someone worthy of my love, affection, honesty, mind, body, and soul.
It is times like these when I know the only way this can happen is if I get myself in check.
If I take the time to better myself and become the person I need to be.
Travel a lot, smile a lot laugh a lot, cry a lot, create a lot, befriend a lot, and never stop driving.
Never ever stop driving what carries me so far to the destination I will reach in the end.
The drive that makes me feel so passionate about what I do.
About my art and my creations.
I believe that God will give me a brilliant idea one day.
He will fill my mind with his purpose of for my life.
I am so excited to see what is about to happen as I document it here.
I can always feel when God is about to do big things in me and my life.
Things get quiet, they get difficult, they get serious, and most of all they get hopeful.

I'm so incredibly in love with you.
Being drunk has only made me realize that more.
I thought maybe that tonight I could forget about the troubles and ripping of my heart in half that is to come.
But right now you are so vividly present in my mind and I miss you more than I have in these three weeks.
I miss being drunk with you and making love like we would never get the chance again.
Looking into your eyes and wanting you, feeling the infinity behind my eyes that made you feel so incredibly heavenly.
The breath that paused on my neck and gave me everything I ever wanted while you showed me depth of your desires.
I miss laying with you and holding onto every second we could ever possibly have.
Please don't go.
I want you so bad and I this cannot possibly be the last time I will see the love of my life again.
I fantasize about your touch and how bittersweet it will be to know it again.
You consume my thoughts especially right now and all I want is the love that you so beautifully have shown me.
I think you as my soulmate and I don't want to live a life without you in only two more weeks.
God my heart is consumed by fear and regret.
Sweetheart I know you had to do what was best for you.
But know that I won't stop loving you for a while to come.
Those loving, rainbow eyes will haunt me for so long.

Darling please know how proud I am of you.
That you have immense motivation and you teach me something unheard of everyday.
Know that I love you.
That I envy your intelligence,
and I'm incredibly lucky to be with the most clever man I've ever known.
Duck brown baby.

My darling has gone.
But I'm left with the sweet scent you've left behind,
To remind me of the time infinitely lived in togetherness.
All I can fathom is you by my side to drift away into the dream world.
And leaving my slumber to come find your bright eyed smile in the morn.

And now embrace and fade away from the world.

Sometimes it helps just to know that life is bigger than your own head.
That the jail cell you've locked yourself in isn't going to be forever.
Theres something bigger than the hold on your life.
I feel so trapped in this mental prison.
Ive never longed for an escape to something bigger than this tight suffocating space that I've locked myself in.
Oh how to be free when you have such a hold on yourself, how do I get out of this place when Im the one doing it to myself.
How do I escape the labyrinth of anxiety and fear that I have shoved myself into.
I long to see the bigger things I know are out there.
The ones that are bigger than me.
I know this is what I need because as soon as I step outside and see all the trees and all the sky and feel a breath seeping into my tired mind.
Get out of my head you.
Me.
They say all the best people are mad, bonkers, off their rocker, and yes they're the most creative and talented, but my God they're also in the most pain.
They need an escape and their creativity is their attempt at breaking out.

Writing soothes the soul, it knows no formula or rhyme.
It only meets the writer and everything in between.
There are things I wish to say and **** the rhymes and numbers.
Writing only knows the artistic mind beheld to its grasp upon birth.

Life knows not one destination.
But many mere moments where life is gazed upon through the past,
and the present visions something much more beautiful than once was.
Happiness is born from past pain.
God I'm so sick of the pain being spoken of.
The pain is gone!

Now she lives as a shining pearl, her oyster shell gone but never forgotten for one must always remember where they derive.
She knows only up.
She knows only success.
Even in the failure she finds success as not one thing in this universe can stop her.
God is on her side as he always has been, but in an instant her mind has shifted to the light.
She has become the spark to her own endevors.

Oh how she craves adventure and gazing upon the breath of the sky.
Venturing out and up to unkown places to her and only known by her creator.
The glorious beauty of this earth, art of its own creation.
She thirsts and hungers for newance and things only fathomable by God himself.
She will succeed even if she fails for that is the secret of living that no one has yet pondered.

They call her lion heart lion.
She is ferocious and far from ordinary.
She can see through the eyes of a lion and focuses not on the things of this earth.
She knows there is greater,
far greater than what they all know.
God has agreed to inflict pain and suffering on her for she has a great destiny in sight.
Her pain is nothing compared to the glory and greatness that will come from heavenly places.
Do not compromise he says, you are a daughter of the King and no one will know her worth.
She is like a diamond in the Kingdom of heaven and even more extraordinary on this planet of dirt.
Sweetheart keep your head up and heart strong because it will all be worth it one day.
One day you will know the reason why.
Why she lost who she thought was the love of her life,
but he was replaced by him whom she knew was there all along.
Keep your eyes focused on not what is seen but what is unseen.
Focus on your destiny and where you come from.
Do not compromise on this place, but look up and up and up.
Most of all be joyous as you walk this journey because the journey is the whole point of reaching the destination.

I have a yearning.
A want.
A need.
A lust.
Drop it all.
Get up and walk.
Rise against all odds for God.
Be bold.
Brave.
Strong.
Pure.
Innocent and driven.
I have a greater purpose.
I pray that I do not fail my creator.
That he will show me where these feet are meant to be.
I have a passion.
A passion to love God as he has loved me.

You ask why I believe in Jesus.
Well why did you believe in Santa Claus as a kid?
Because he brought you gifts right?
Why question something that brings you gifts right.
That's why I belive in Jesus.
He brings me life.
Allows me to dream endlessly.
Gives my mind freedom to shut out the ghosts because he has plans for me to prosper.
But most of all ignites my soul and allows my mind to romp all the days of my life.