I envy the day when she gets to be with you on the holidays and wake up to you in her bed.
When she will feel so happy in this awful world because she knows she has someone to love and to hold whenever she pleases.
The joys of spending the winter time with someone warm in body and soul.
The day when she gets proposed to by you and you make her the happiest woman in the galaxies.
I envy her quiet time with you and your sweet prayers to God thanking him for her and praying to be the man she so much deserves.
I envy that she gets to have you as a best friend and call you when she is having a bad day.
I envy the intimacy that will be incomparable to anything she's ever known because it came from heavenly places.
I envy her because she already knows you and I cannot wait to meet him.

-Past Her

Please do me a kindness and cease stalking my dream world.

I hurt. I just really hurt. He hurt me. They hurt me. Them hurt me. They all hurt me.
Of course this is right after they tell me how amazing I am, how different and beautiful I am.
So then what the hell happens in their intellect next when they decide they have me and then cut me loose.
When I finally decide to trust again thats when they get you the most.
When they dangle you in front of their compliments and then just let go as quickly as they first had you.
When does this cycle actually end.
Is it even worth the physical emotional love and knowing someone.
The pain is almost too much to bear yet we keep doing it again and again and again.
People like me never win.
The ones who would do anything for a perfect stranger they just met.
We're truly the best people in the world, the most beautiful creatures, but this world is so so so cruel.
The ones who love God, the ones who fall away to earthly things so easily.
Struggling and trying so hard not to drown from trying to be both.
Knowing what the answer is but still fighting the tired urges of the body to just feel better somehow.
What is there for us to do, what can we do.
To escape the hurt for just one second.
Chain smoking cigarettes to get any high at all, to escape the inevitable labyrinth at all.
Wine bottle after wine bottle, only to realize that God is the only answer the next morning.

I miss you so much. And I want to tell you and I want you to know I still love you somehow.
But what would be the point in even telling you.
You're something I want to move on from.
But something I wanted forever.
Your existence is bittersweet.
I've moved on.
But the memories haunt my dreamery.
Also telling me of the things I fear the most with you.
I want to be there for you, but why won't you be there for me?
Come back.
Be mine.
I hate that I love you so much.
And I couldn't explain one reason why I feel such a thing for you.

The thing about dreams is they so badly want to become something other than a dream.
Dreams want to become real.
They crave reality, but oh they're so stuck in a fantasy.
Dreams have a dream of becoming something other than what they see in their sleep.

How can I possibly be hurt by you when God is standing by my side holding my hand, comforting me that in the end we've already won.

The girl that loves too much is the same girl who wonders when she will be happy again like she was when she was loved.
The girl who feels so alone now that he isn't here and up and left taking all the warmth of her heart.
The girl who wonders when she will be herself again and be able to love.
Wondering when she wont be broken anymore.

What are you supposed to do when your world is going drown you any day and leave you feeling barren with only the seas pouring down your face.

There comes a point where you've been hurt so much that you become numb to everything around you.
You become numb to hurting people the way you've been hurt so many times the same way by others.
I now see the heartbreakers are a byproduct of the heartbroken.
The heartbroken become so strong from the amounts of times their heart has been ripped in half it doesn't even feel anything anymore.
And with that comes breaking the hearts of the ones who least deserve it.
The people who hurt you continue to bear their scar on your heart and that's all that haunts my tired beat.
I still miss both of them so much.
The ones who truly made me happy for a short time, a time I wish could have been so much longer.
What a vicious never ending cycle this world has gotten themselves into.
That the girl who once cared the most about people has now become like the ones who hurt her, cruel and selfish to the good ones.

Who is she?
The girl who doesn't fit with the rest?
She wishes everyone would let her be.
She likes being inside her little nest.
She used to think it was fun being different.
But now she finds herself writing about how she pains for them to understand.

My friend, once you have fallen in love with God you have known true
Happiness.
Love.
Peace.
Rest.
Joy.
Trust.
Kindness.
And life.

Love is weird.
It saves you and it breaks you.
It creates the most beautiful moments in life and it also creates the moments where you discover yourself in the pain.
Alaska wondered when we would ever get out of this labyrinth, and I think the answer is never.
The things who make us who we are, the people who have caused us pain from the beginning of our existence, they effect the whole of it.
These things make you over invest and care too much, just because you yourself never want to cause someone the pain that the person did to you with the first straw.
Again, these moments are beautiful.
They are painful, but would we rather be in pain than stuck in nothingness?
Beautiful people cause these moments, and it's the beautiful people who hurt the most.
The ones with the beautiful souls and the already broken hearts.
They ache to find it, they ache to mend it for a second.
They ache to never cause anyone pain as they have been caused.
And in the end, even the ones who hurt these people, they struggle to move on from them, because after all they were both beautiful people.

I love you B and that's all I want you to hold on to right now.
That I think about how proud I am of you for chasing your dreams.
That you inspire me to be who I am and who I deserve to be in life.
That you've never told me a single lie to protect my heart.
That you're the most honest and intelligent man I've ever known.
I love you B.

I'm so incredibly in love with you.
Being drunk has only made me realize that more.
I thought maybe that tonight I could forget about the troubles and ripping of my heart in half that is to come.
But right now you are so vividly present in my mind and I miss you more than I have in these three weeks.
I miss being drunk with you and making love like we would never get the chance again.
Looking into your eyes and wanting you, feeling the infinity behind my eyes that made you feel so incredibly heavenly.
The breath that paused on my neck and gave me everything I ever wanted while you showed me depth of your desires.
I miss laying with you and holding onto every second we could ever possibly have.
Please don't go.
I want you so bad and I this cannot possibly be the last time I will see the love of my life again.
I fantasize about your touch and how bittersweet it will be to know it again.
You consume my thoughts especially right now and all I want is the love that you so beautifully have shown me.
I think you as my soulmate and I don't want to live a life without you in only two more weeks.
God my heart is consumed by fear and regret.
Sweetheart I know you had to do what was best for you.
But know that I won't stop loving you for a while to come.
Those loving, rainbow eyes will haunt me for so long.

They say to keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.
I am indeed a dreamer, my friend.
A dreamer with a slightly almost shattered heart.
I dream of words, the black curves delicately placed on a once empty space.
The beginners, the ones who started it all.
British literature.
French artists.
Italian impressionists.
I want to envelop a life full of beauty, full of life.
Full of art.
A quiet, quirky English teacher perhaps? Who loves her books more than anything and feels beautiful because she's fallen in love with poetry.
The successful, powerful, **** woman who walks through the fashion industry? Maybe she's happy, but she's become a workoholic who is afraid of committing to marriage because she's hurt.
Or maybe she becomes a decent writer, who became famous off her very first novel highlighting the struggles in her childhood.
She just wants to write.
Endlessly write.
Her thoughts.
Her dreams.
What she's fallen in love with.
Maybe even him.
But really she has no idea what she wants.

What does it mean when you're surrounded by the people who supposedly love you the most but you still aren't happy.
When they're are so many things happening amongst you, but still you're mind wanders to him for some unknown reason.
When you can sense that you need to talk to them and they need you because something tragic has happened.
What is that moment?
Where you can feel their pain from afar without even knowing anything for sure.
It's a feeling.
It's a connection that still feels so true and right that you cannot let their beautiful soul go.
That moment where you hurt for someone, feeling their own pain.
What is that?
You're not together but you still love, you still ache for them.
That has to be love or maybe it's just a gift that we were given to love the people around us to it's infinite.

Im tired of hurting.
There's so much pain I don't know how to deal with.
Pain that has been there for so long that I've only added to it.
I want release.
Release from any of this pain at all if not it all.
I've given too much power to them and I do not know how to get out of this labyrinth.
I've tried crying out to him but I only feel more and more lonely lately.
I know he is there but why does he feel so far off.
The pain is outweighing the hope that I used to have so much of.
This is not a cry for attention nor a plea just me raging at the world.
I need relief and joy.
Maybe that is why I give so much to these strangers that come into my innocence and then become devastated yet again as they leave me.
I don't know why it surprises me anymore.
It's my own fault.
But the cigarettes don't help anymore and neither does the alcohol so I just feel trapped.
So far down in this pit of self pity.

She is forced to remember all the good things she once knew to be so true about herself.
Painfully beautiful on the inside and out.
The kindest soul you will ever encounter.
The most talented artistic intellect lies within her hands and heart.
She loves the things around her more than someone might love their spouse.
She will go so far, even though she doubts herself.
She is undoubtedly loved by the only one who matters.
She is royalty, a Daughter of the King.
Only the most special people she has encountered really know her and who she is, however they are the ones who run the most.
They marvel at her poise, the way she carries herself and how incredibly gorgeous she is.
She should learn from this.

Find joy again my darling, she needs you to find her.
She needs to be lifted up, she needs to be her again.

I miss him so much.
Especially when the moon is at its peak.
I miss those beautiful eyes, **** they're so unique.
I miss that curly mess of crazy spirals sitting atop your intelligence.
I miss those arms that pulled me in when the sun arose and soft red lips that laid a kiss upon my nose.
Those eyes that watched my chipmunk cheeks upon the pillow before I woke.
The lips that called me your cuddle monkey when I clung to you like I'd never see your sweet demeanor again.
I miss your touch and I miss those eyes looking at me so intently when you needed me to know how serious your love for me is.

God what do you do when your best friend leaves and isn't there so close.
I just want to hear that voice but I'm afraid to because then you not being here becomes so real.
I'm in love.
All I want is you.

"You are a light of the world. A town on a hill cannot be hidden. In the same way let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven"

I came upon something today.
I've been searching to find myself, to go back to the old me.
The one who could make herself happy.
That's just it.
I cannot alone fulfill my own needs.
Only he can.
My King.
A princess needs her King to comfort her, build her up upon a hill after she falls to the valley.
Hold her tight in his warmth when she is overcome by anxiety of loneliness.
But most of all she needs to walk with him in every moon and sun.
She needs that small ounce of faith to continue to drift in the starry night.

I look to the past to see a ghost of someone I should have stood up for. I should have told her not to let someone use her as their ashtray.
I should have told her that things are more beautiful and that she is a light on the other side.
But most of all I should have told you that I deserve better and the blindness of the hurt you put on me was nothing compared to the glory that was coming.
I matter and I know that now.

Love doesn't exist in romance,
Because romance doesn't last.
Love exists in the thing living inside of you,
The thing that gives you life and freedom and unconditional love.
Love is I Am.

I see a woman.
A beautiful woman who loves the Lord.
A woman with a haunted past and future bright.

She wears the mask that I can see straight through.
She does not need to hide from me.
For I love her to the moon and back.

We have already been through the woods and back,
but nothing can stop the fact that you're my creator.
And I will always be your home.

She holds me when I panic.
Hands me gifts when I'm anxious.
Passes over advice when I fall astray.

Deserving of a crown so bright.
For she is the daughter of a King.

Thank you.
For making me realize just how much you really didn't care.
For leaving me in the dark where I found the brightest light.
Thank you for being the biggest disappointment of them all, because if I could see the size of the blessing coming my way, I would've never given you a second thought when you left.