I always feel a prying demand to write when you come back around.
Darling, our story lives on as I knew it would.
It may not end well, like most love stories, but I do know I have patiently awaited this day for many a months.
You told me at the departing of 6B that you would in fact see your tum again.
You told me not to let anyone tell I'm not worth it, even when you said I wasn't.
You were unable to move on as easily as you thought.
I think leaving an impact that strongly on someones life is so flattuous.
That moment when Edward told us how hard life was, was such a beautiful moment.
Crying over you was the most satisfying love that I Have yet known.
You're coming back for me and that is something my dreamery has not let me cease to acknowledge night upon night.
Now they have ceased as you return.
I dream of myself once more and not of your face.
I have peace again.
Another goodbye is inevitable but will be nothing compared to the last.
We will lay again for hours making love, laughing, and fantasizing intimately on our dreams.
My best friend will be there once more for me to pour every intricate thought onto.
He always listened to what was spoken from these broken lips.
Although this will be my destruction, God it is so worth knowing you.
The moment you cannot explain why you love someone is more powerful than making up reaosns to satisfy yourself with unhappiness.

Trying to explain this hell on earth is almost as frustrating as you.

Trying to pretend Shes okay is becoming more suffocating than She can handle.
She aches as she enfolds herself in the mask of joy that she feels nothing of on the inside.
Trying to show him that she can be happy without him, without the closeness they once shared.
That she's strong and independent.
But she isn't.
She isn't okay.
She burns from her surroundings.
Only catching fire from them every day.
Soon to be no more than ash.
The only thing that keeps her sane at this hour is the unsoberness she's put upon herself since the night he left.
Sober thoughts, but a sleepless soul without.
She knows it's unhealthy but it's all she can do to keep sane.
From her best friend being gone.
And her mother becoming her biggest fear.
So she lets the alcohol **** the pain.

She doesn't know much more of the criticism she can watch unfold.
"Where's your makeup" she says.
"Is that the best you can do? the best you can present yourself"
"What are you wearing?"
Loving.
Motherly.
Yelling.
Anger.
Snapping.
Craziness.
Happy.
Sh­e's terrified that she will see the same person staring back at her one day in the mirror.

She's trying.
She's lonely.
She's lost.
She feels the distance and it's terrifying.
When the moon reaches high, she cries herself to sleep night after night.
She just wants to be stronger.
But she feels so overwhelmingly weak.
And she can't show that to him.

January 1st at midnight was the moment I forbid my conscience to acknowledge your existence any longer.
It's been haungingly unbeautiful and sweetheart I'm happy and relived to express I shall no longer scribble another slash of word encumbing you.

I think I'd rather fall in love with someplace than someone.

I want to watch the drops drench the outdoor world and wash it clean,
While I lay close to you tangled up in the white of the sheets.
Not telling you anything just listening  to the sound of the world becoming new.

I am so sorry for not trusting you more. I thank you for constantly letting me come back to you after falling astray and not including you in whatever I am doing in the moment. Please forgive me for not trusting you in every area of my life sometimes. I should know by now that your way is always perfect and beautiful in its own unique way. You were right about Ben and I'm so happy I got away from him. He is condescending and makes me feel inadequate. I know the man you have picked for me to marry would never make me feel this way. He is hurtful and knows he is hurting me but refuses to sacrifice his moments of happiness for a hard but worth it future with me. I am worth it. You've told me this many times. Lord I love you and I thank you for this heartache. I feel like it is definitely starting to wither away. I will always care about him in some capacity but from here on I don't feel like he will have a hold on my mind. Thank you Lord for answering my prayer and that I don't have to wonder anymore about what it would've been like to have a long distance relationship with someone who would not have cared. And probably cheated on me. I finally got the closure I needed and won't miss the long pauses on the phone where I expected you to fill them with how I wanted you so desperately to feel about me. The empty spaces forever filled with disappointments that you never could satisfy. I pray Lord that bring me the man who will stay up late to talk with me about dreams and your Kingdom we both wish to come home to one day. The one who will love you so much more than anything on this earth including me. You are so good to me Lord and I will wait for this man. I pray that you would keep me pure for him in every way, mind , body, and soul. Please turn me into the Proverbs 31 woman. Lord I also want to thank you s much for my incredible family I am so blessed to have two parents who love me to the ends of this earth. Thank you for the lonely times and for the wilderness I have come to know in as I walked through these shadow places. For the first time in months I understand your purpose and got a glimpse of your plan through my own stubbornness.You truly work all things for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purposes.  And glory will come from this pain as I rise up from the ashes. Lord Please give me the faith and courage to walk with you for the rest of my life. I'm tired of falling and slipping away from you so often. I want to stand on firm and solid ground with you and look toward heavenly things unseen all the days of my life. I love you so much Lord. Happy Birthday Jesus, I'm so glad it's Christmas.

-Amen

They call her lion heart lion.
She is ferocious and far from ordinary.
She can see through the eyes of a lion and focuses not on the things of this earth.
She knows there is greater,
far greater than what they all know.
God has agreed to inflict pain and suffering on her for she has a great destiny in sight.
Her pain is nothing compared to the glory and greatness that will come from heavenly places.
Do not compromise he says, you are a daughter of the King and no one will know her worth.
She is like a diamond in the Kingdom of heaven and even more extraordinary on this planet of dirt.
Sweetheart keep your head up and heart strong because it will all be worth it one day.
One day you will know the reason why.
Why she lost who she thought was the love of her life,
but he was replaced by him whom she knew was there all along.
Keep your eyes focused on not what is seen but what is unseen.
Focus on your destiny and where you come from.
Do not compromise on this place, but look up and up and up.
Most of all be joyous as you walk this journey because the journey is the whole point of reaching the destination.

I caught a glimpse of our star tonight and it made me remember.
The first time.
The last time.
The first kiss.
The last kiss.
The first date.
The last date.
But most of all I thought of December 4th B.
And what happened under our star all these passing months.

I have a yearning.
A want.
A need.
A lust.
Drop it all.
Get up and walk.
Rise against all odds for God.
Be bold.
Brave.
Strong.
Pure.
Innocent and driven.
I have a greater purpose.
I pray that I do not fail my creator.
That he will show me where these feet are meant to be.
I have a passion.
A passion to love God as he has loved me.

I've reached this point where I am about to sound overly dramatic, but it feels real.
It feels as if I've lost my heart.
My ability to love someone with it again wholely.
He stole it and sadly still has it.
Do I love him still?
I don't know.
For what do I love about him?
Nothing.
Did I love the memories?
The most frustrating part is trying to figure out why you're still haunting my tired intelligence.
I do not think it is love.
I think it might be many things.
Regret.
Pain.
Pride.
Overthinking.
I honestly have no thought as to why.
I just know I want you gone.
I do not want to meet again.
I do not want to know you.
I want to know this pain only as a stranger to my past.
I cannot handle your ghost anymore.

Its Christmas day today.
I feel so thankful and happy that today was the day my savior came into the world.
He is the only thing that I need and tends to keep me sane.
I also hate this time of year though.
When it becomes so painfully obvious just how alone you actually are and that you are no where closer to having a family of your own.
He's leaving and going into the navy.
My love.
The one who I thought would never leave me, inevitably is just like all the others.
They all leave, but maybe they aren't leaving maybe someone is taking them away to make room for my actual destiny.
I struggle so much to even want that real love in the end.
Nothing is forever, so why subject myself to that kind of possible future misery.
My parents barely make it and all they've done is make it a mission to see who can hurt the other more until they actually fall in love again.
I want real, honest, true, gracious, patient, passionate, silly, childish, love. The love that will last forever, the love that only God can bring or make possible.
He must love God more than he could ever love me, because then he will filter Gods love into me.
He will be there whenever I need him, just a phone call away and at my side as a real partner.
We will have the love of a new generation, where it is real, so true, and so pleasing to God and the both of us.
I long for that day and I am willing to wait as long as possible for that dream.
The dream of being with someone worthy of my love, affection, honesty, mind, body, and soul.
It is times like these when I know the only way this can happen is if I get myself in check.
If I take the time to better myself and become the person I need to be.
Travel a lot, smile a lot laugh a lot, cry a lot, create a lot, befriend a lot, and never stop driving.
Never ever stop driving what carries me so far to the destination I will reach in the end.
The drive that makes me feel so passionate about what I do.
About my art and my creations.
I believe that God will give me a brilliant idea one day.
He will fill my mind with his purpose of for my life.
I am so excited to see what is about to happen as I document it here.
I can always feel when God is about to do big things in me and my life.
Things get quiet, they get difficult, they get serious, and most of all they get hopeful.

Talking to God is the only thing that makes me feel like anything will ever be accomplished in this life.

Remember how you left me in the terminal?
You said never to let anyone tell me I'm not worth it.
But that's exactly what you said to me.
You said you loved me through your tear stained eyes and struggled to catch your breath heaving through the floodgates.
You said you would see me again one day and you told me you loved me again.
Then you slowly and regrettably strolled out of the doors forever and I haven't known your existence and love since that moment of defying torture.

That feeling when you wake up after letting the rivers flood your sheets the night before and the next morning the floodgates still haven't closed after you thought every drop was run dry.

What is this feeling of desperating despair my heart is pounding at me.
I feel joy and light but there's something of darkness I'm being dragged toward.
How can I feel so so passionate but still have this panging feeling of panic pawing at me violently.
Is it because I so desperately want him to know that I believe the sun shines towards him in my existence.
That I am undeniably in love with his sweet demeanor and carefulness.
Is it because my soulmate has finally found his way towards my raging heart.
It's been so long since these words poured out of my intellect and someone has been worthy enough to be some of a muse.
The smell of mint dancing on his breath to put out the smoke of his heart is the most intoxicating sense he has upon me.
Our intellects are one in the same and the goodness of light is seeping through the common words on those pages.
I love him.
I do.
I want to know him and his spirit for as long as this life allows me.

I don't know how I feel about anyone anymore.
About him, him, him.
Theres three of them and all symbolize the different cruelties of this world.
The first was nothing but a sad, heartbreaking disappointment. He is the most recent of them all.
The one who told me for the most absurd time that I was amazing but not good enough for it to work. That he did not love me enough to know my amazingness.
Well for you I am sorry you will never find someone better, sorry that you will regret not holding my hand through my undeniable success.
You broke my heart and you knew it all along.
The second of the them is in love with her, yet will never tell of this secret.
She loves him too but not in the way he wishes which is just another cruelty of this world.
Everyone jumping after something they will only fall from when uncaught.
She loves him, he does not love her, who is loved by someone else.
The third is the most complicated of them all.
The one that got away.
The one who still has never left the back of her mind and she has never vanished the back of his intellect either.
These two had all the chances in the world with time and space as their only enemy.
The ones who still have a chance when time moves on from them.
Their love story was unlike any other.
There was passion, true passion and love.
We all ache to find this love and are lucky to experience it even once.
We can lie and say we are in love with another like the one who got away but the truth is this love has not been felt as strongly since the final breath.
These are the cruelties of the world.
The girl who loves too much because she's been broken too many times and is always disappointed in the end.
The guy who loves that girl undeniably, but will never have the chance he wishes with her.
And lastly the love that may live on one day, but could just as well be the only real love affair that two people could experience.

Everything reminds me of you.
I cannot even gaze upon the sky because there lies our star, the brightest of them all.
But she looks to be fading and that's the scariest realization.
I want to tell you how I can't stop thinking of how much I love you.
How I wish I could make it go away but things do not work that sweetly.
I want to tell you that looking at our star I'm reminded of how you calmed me down by explaining how you loved all the annoying little trinkets I left behind.
How I loved when you whispered to me "everything little thing is going to be alright".
How I hate that saying goodbye to you has to be our last memory and how it was still the most terrifying task I've ever gone through.
Mostly I want to tell you how badly I wish I could get loving you out of my head.
Then again making love is something I always wanted to hold onto with you.
But God, your sweet lips and when our gazes met in the midst, it haunts this troubled mind all the day long.

One day you'll wake up with the worst anxiety.
It will be so overwhelming as if you're hit with a plummeting wave and now you're being pulled under.
Like the way you made me feel all those hot months.
This will be you realizing you let the greatest girl of your lifetime slip right through your fingers.
And the most frustrating part,
You'll never find someone more incredible, beautifully stunning, or brighter than she ever was and will be.
And she will be so far out of reach from your once ghastly tight grip on her.

Tonight is one of the worst I have yet experienced.
I cannot stop thinking about him.
Regret is starting to sink in that we didn't try my love.
That we did not give what I thought was so strong a fight.
Belly I think we could have made it past the terminal.
Sadly, I don't think we will ever get the chance to know.
I miss you more more than I have in a while and the memories come in waves.
Tonight, without you, I'm drowning.
I want you so badly to be mine again.
I still love you and I've never been more sure than right now in these passing months.
You were the one who understood me, my best friend.
I'm petrified that I will never know another who could read me like their favorite book.
Who could do anything and make me smile.
And God that sweet sweet face who looked at me like I was everything in the world to them.
I love you Ben..
I'm not sure when I'll stop.

What am I going to do when this is a real thing.
When I'm forced to notice you aren't there.
That you're never coming back.
I'm in so much pain.
So much fear and anxiety.
I just want to know you're going to come back this fall.
That you're not actually going away forever.
You're my best friend.
I don't understand.
I don't want to imagine this without you.
I'm terrified that I know you won't show up.
How is it that I'm never going to see you again.
It just hit me and I feel like I'm dying on the inside.
God please help I'm so afraid.
I still love you so much.
We were supposed to be together every night.
Waking up with one another in the morning.
But everything we talked about isn't happening because you left me.
And you won't ever be back.

Sometimes all you need is an immense  ring on your finger to make you feel like a princess.
I am a princess.
For I am the daughter of the King.

Darling please know how proud I am of you.
That you have immense motivation and you teach me something unheard of everyday.
Know that I love you.
That I envy your intelligence,
and I'm incredibly lucky to be with the most clever man I've ever known.
Duck brown baby.

The dreams of what I hope and aspire to be are outweighing the pain of my past.
The excitement and beauty I see in my future are worth every bit of disappointment I've conquered.
Yes, the memories of my mind are tying a noose around a struggling heart, but love of my King is replacing it with a crown of worth.
I will grasp what I've always deserved and dreamt of.

My mind, body, and soul feel sophrosyne.
Finally.

Drunken thoughts.
Not too late at night but just when the party starts.
I'm reminded of how much I used to be in love.
But this saddens me.
I know now that it was partially a sham.
False hopes and dreams were hidden in the silence you never spoke of.
Fantasies of what this future would be like with you by my side, but all I see is the ghost of you in my memories.
You guys don't understand how longingly wrenching it is to realize you never had the same intentions and dreams as I.
That you never spoke of your dreams because you knew they would break my heart.
Here we are, me wondering if things were as passionate for you as they were for me.
If all those sayings, words, and feelings, were just spoken to give you something before you actually left.
If I was kept around to be strung out until the end giving you everything you knew I would have.
I was so in love with you.
You knew it too.
You knew I would have stayed by your side until you told me to leave.
That even if I had known the truth of your unwanting, I still would have loved you with the darkened heart I owned.
Turned dark for you.
Left as the one who was emotionally attached by love for you.
You left as the one physically attached to me, body langauge proving to be the only thing you miss.
Maybe you miss my smile, maybe you miss my beauty.
Maybe you miss the ***.
But I miss the emotional attachment of my once best friend.
The one who talked about my dreams with me.
The one who held me as I cried about losing you.
The one who told me to look to our star when I feared of never seeing you again.
But not once did you understand what you were putting me through.
You left and I doubt you ever felt bad about leaving me.
Because I could never do that to you and then cut you out of my life like it was nothing.
Maybe I still love you.

He is something else. Something beautiful. Something clean. Something that shines with uniquity.

Do you ever feel as if whomever you're writing to is your only friend?
The one who understands.
The only one who does.
The only one who knows.
The one that reads this and shares the same pain as me.
It is more comforting to write it down to the imaginary person reading this than to leave the demons inside.
Who are you?
The one I write to.
The one who knows who I aspire to be more than anything.
The one who knows my heart is breaking for him.
That I feel dead on the inside.
That I feel like something is really wrong with me.

Friend am I ok?
Am I really as messed up as I think I am?
Will I ever do this right?
Do I deserve what I want?
This head is suffocating.
It knows what depression is.
She wants to remember what her happiness was.
She always told herself to go back there when things got bad again.
Sweetheart it's time.
It's okay to let go.
To go back to her.