I feel bad for her because I know she's hurting.
But does she know how much pain she puts on me.
Making me think he doesn't love me.
Maybe I believe it.
That's the pathetic part.
Her pain causing the problems of my future life with Him.
This is not the love of a mother.
Who doesn't approve of her daughter.
Who she is now.
The person that she loves to be.
This is emotional abuse.

Hopeless
Dauntless
Useless

God get us out of this labyrinth.
Set the generations of past free for the future.

For only the hole in my chest is never going to fully recover with this madness.
This is not good madness.
The repetition of the flash on the screen makes my heart panic.
Alas it should be comfort that the soul encounters.

God told me today he works for the good of those who love him.
Lord, I believe you and I choose to have faith for once in my life when it feels difficult to even breathe.
You have promised me a better life and I give you my struggles of heartbreak.
Lord, turn this misery into a testimony and make the sun stand still in my life.
Give me the faith to trust what you say.

It was a neutral, fair weathered, mid October Friday night in downtown Raleigh, the sky painted with stars, but barely visible as lights are strewn out everywhere, glittering as they are draped across buildings to create a corner hidden from the rest of the world. There are also lights from the many expensive cars lining the already tight streets; Chrysler, Infinity, Volvo, BMW, but also there’s an array of Hondas and the Chevy I am currently riding in to get there myself.  The lights continue to follow my evening as the holidays are approaching, accompanied by Christmas lights hanging from local breweries. The skyline is made up of buildings mimicking an array of Christmas trees on a Christmas tree farm in December; one my favorite times of year.

The spirit of the air is carefree as people gather to unwind from the week before and have a good time with whomever they are with or alone. The variety of people is similar to that of Candy in a candy store; all there for the same purpose, but different in minor ways. Groups of friends occupying the sidewalks outside of restaurants, breweries, dessert bars, coffee bars, boutiques, and galleries. Hipsters walking proudly and dancing in the streets owning who they are in their hometown or possibly visiting to experience the uniqueness the beautiful city has to offer. Most people dressed their best to welcome the night before them and enjoy the company of their friends, walking around to whatever comes their way.

The atmosphere is quiet, peaceful, and chill but the night is nothing short of alive just like the people I experience. Young couples and individuals line the streets exuberating their young lively spirits into the air as they exhale smoke from their cigarettes. The streets are also lined with a couple individuals that seem a little sketchy, but that’s just because they keep to themselves and walk alone, not effecting the safe atmosphere Raleigh exuberates. Everyone seems to be focused on only who they came with, concentrating on what they will do that evening. My plans included dinner at The Pit, one of the greatest BBQ places I have ever been in my life.

The first place I went to this evening was a Chocolate Shop called Videri Chocolate Factory with the most intriguing vibe I have possibly received upon coming into a store. There are lights strung from the ceiling and a glass case containing expensive, gourmet chocolates made in house. As I continue to walk around the store there is a whimsical feeling I get when I notice the coffee bar and more Christmas lights hanging around and intricate glass cups behind the counter. Continuing down the corridor there is a large glass window displaying where the chocolate is made, making the experience even more real. As I continue to look around the store I notice most of the people are middle aged to older; the people with money. The chocolate in the store is not cheap, but I think most of the people who come to downtown Raleigh are also paying for the experience.

Upon leaving the shop I notice the outside of the store and this is one prime example I think of when I think that people physically impact the place in which they live. The picture shown above of the chocolate shop mimics so much of the personality of Raleigh that I have noticed. The store is made of bricks on the outside that you can tell have been there for a really long time, but displays a modern, exciting font and the final touch of bright white lights adds a perfect finish to the display of the store. The people of Raleigh (or the ones I have noticed the three years out of living here myself) tend to migrate towards vintage, old things and appreciate the beauty of unique sights that make you feel special and unique yourself upon going there.

Another key factor in the imagery of this shop that reminds me of the people of Raleigh is the artsy aesthetic that the door holds with the lights. There are so many art students who consistently go to downtown Raleigh and they are a part of what makes the atmosphere so bright and exciting. While the people who visit downtown Raleigh are looking for those vintage vibes and artsy aesthetics they are also incredibly modern much like the font the door holds. They are caught up on what is currently in style and trend setters themselves, but interpret it in a way that fits them personally. This to me is the only thing that people of downtown Raleigh have in common; they are old fashioned, vintage, modern, and unique all at the same time, perfectly mirroring the city in which they live.

I'm absolutely terrified.
Thinking about never seeing you again in three months feels like I'm saying goodbye to myself.
You've become a fraction of my soul.
Jealousy is only seaming together pains that I do not long for.
To see us go divergent for only because of distance takes away my hope.
Stirs together panic.
Time is the enemy.
It's waning out.
Mocking me.

Stay.
My darling stay.

Hello to whoever you are.
My friend whom I write to.
Things have been changing lately.
I have changed.
I asked God to do something and he did.
For that I am blessed.
But I'm stuck on Saturday.
The day in between the bad thing that happened and the day where I'll feel happiness again.
I'm waiting patiently for the one I can tell everything to and give my heart to.
I think he still has it but for now, I'm peacefully assured by this.
I want to wait this time for the one who loves you more than anything.
The one who makes me feel adored and extraordinary.
The one who won't make me lose myself in the process of the journey.
One who will talk with me late at night about my fears and dreams.
Who will pray for me in times of trouble and be there in the trials.
A helping hand to bring me closer to my King.
I long to know someone like myself.
I'm still getting to know her but I know she deserves what she wants.
She has worth and wants the glory from the pain she's known.
She's been hurt but she's going to be strong for him because of it.
Darling I can't wait to meet you.
For it will be the greatest pleasure to know you.

She said its that moment you know.
You've fallen in love for the one thousand third time.
He said it's the moments that cling.
Actions that make the birds buzz.

She loves the gazes of huskies at midnight.
And the talk of Mr. Edward at 11:43 pm.
Time moves backwards when you're infinite.
Especially when he looks over at her when Charlie says "I am here and I am looking at her.
And She is so beautiful".

Visions blurry but her sight is true.
Individual inward struggles but simultaneously fight through tears.
Your arms are my sanctuary.
We're home.

I'm in love with him but I can't love him.
To be in love as a Christian young adult, that's almost impossible.
God says with him all things are possible.
Except being able to fully love him.
He makes me feel amazing and I love how he would do almost anything for me.
I want to give him everything he deserves but since I love God I can't.
I want him to just understand for a second what it's like to love God.
It feels like your very soul is so full of life that a fire will shine through.
The power of God is unfathomable.
If he loves me he should be willing to wait with me and in the end know that it was so worth it.
I love him so much and he doesn't even fully know because I can't show him.
I just want him to know that he's so quickly becoming my world.
That I've never loved anyone like I love him.
That just looking in those hazel blue eyes brings the biggest smile to my face.
That when he holds my gaze everything is perfect.
That when his smell runs into me I fall in love all over again from the memories.
That he makes me so unbelievably happy I never want to be without him.
That I wish I could give him everything he wanted and deserved.
I can't lose him over this.
It feels too good to call you mine.
I love You.

Sometimes tears are the only thing that can take away the pain.
They leave you sedated and calm.
They demand the weakness and turmoil to pour out of your soul.
They come to you when you need them most and they wash you clean.

Lately I just want to know your voice still exists.
That I don't have to actually believe I'm never going to see you again.
That this might be as hard for you as it is for me.
I want to look into those huskie eyes of yours.
The ones I fell in love with.
I just want to see you one last time.
And run away to Neverland together like you said we would.
I still love you
And I miss you so much darling.

Tonight all I can feel is how beautifully your love feels and how everything with you is perfection.

In spring of youth it was my lot
To haunt of the wide world a spot
The which I could not love the less----
So lovely was the loneliness
Of a wild lake, with black rock bound,
And the tall pines that towered around.

But when the Night has thrown her pall
Upon that spot, as upon all,
And the mystic wind went by
Murmuring in melody---
Then---ah then I would awake
To the terror of the lone lake.

Yet that terror was not fright,
But a tremendous delight---
A feeling not jeweled but mine
Could teach or bribe me to define---
Nor love--- although the love were thine.

Death was in that poisonous wave,
And in its gulf a fitting grave
For him who thence could solace bring
To his lone imagining----
Whose solitary soul could make
An Eden of that dim lake.

It's been a while since I wrote to you.
But things have definitely turned over.
I think people write when they're really happy or really sad but there are more phases than that.
I wrote a lot at a time in my life where I thought I was undeniably in love.
Then I wrote about how that love was my greatest destruction and the aftermath was nothing by drear.
Then I stopped writing altogether because I forgot you.
Now the next phase.
I think I love my best friend but he doesn't know how much.
He's with her right now and all I want is to talk to him.
To talk about everything and nothing.
He's my person and I think I'm very lucky to have found him.
I waited to long too tell him and I'm not upset about it because I couldn't be happier just talking to him.
This is the phase I want to stay in.
The in between phase, where nothing is complicated, just happening.
Where things take their course and I just sit back and wait.
He has caused me to write again and for that I thank him for making me myself again.

Do you ever wonder when you’ll be kissed next? When someone will genuinely look at you and think “she’s so beautiful and I want her to know that”. Then they kiss you and you know they meant it because they think you’re a beautiful person. That will be next kiss I hope to receive. Not the drunk sloppy kiss, the meaningful, deep, slow, impression on the crescent between my lips.

Thunder, tonight please make my fears and worries disappear into the fear of you

"She recognized the strange happiness that came from loving something without knowing why you did, that strange happiness that was sometimes so big that it felt like sadness"

God you are too good to me.
I woke up this morning with the ability to feel blessed and thankful for all that you are doing.
Every time something goes wrong something good comes out of it and you have such a way of making everything whole again.
That is the message of Jesus, taking a broken person filled with holes and making them whole again.
You bring me so much joy Lord and I wish I could worship you every second of every day with songs of praise.
You are so gracious, beautiful, forgiving, and loving.
How could I or anyone else need someone else to fill this void.
You will never leave me or forsake because you have promised me this.
You have promised me a bright future that will make everything of my past worth it one day.
I have no desire more than to make you proud of me and follow the path you have so lovingly laid out for me.
I desire to hold your hand through every minor part of my life and even more so as I move the mountains in my life.

I love him and I'll be with him until the very last second possible.
Ill postpone the heartbreak, because I'd rather ralk to him every single day for a second than never have him in my life again.
It's scary as hell thinking about losing you forever B, you're mine in this heart and that's all I need.
I love you.

I'm beginning to ponder, did you ever exist at all or did my intelligence concoct a fantasy where you were a nightmarish dream?

Why do I come here.
Where the frost lives.
The trees are in their fourth season.
Everything is dead, yet there is so much life in the creation.
I'm listening to the talk of Home.
It's so beautiful.
What you've done God.
I believe once you take notice in the beauty of things no one else does, you've come to know a new insight of happiness and creativity.
The limbs are something you'd see out of a horror movie, but no they couldn't be more mistaken.
My pen is dying and I'm sad.
So I guess now I'll read about the lost boys and Mr. Peter.

What is my place in this life currently.
What am I supposed to be doing.
I feel so strongly that this is a time where I'm supposed to find things, search for things, see new things, be something new.
Things are slowly slipping away to make this possible.
I have such a craving to focus on God, him, and these soulful experiences awaiting me.
Looking at me like a rabbit with a stopwatch begging me to follow them to Wonderland.
I am so suddenly willing to follow.
Willing to drop it all and see everything that has been missing down the hole.
I have passions and commodities of thing I love, yes, but that does not feel like right now.
Right now feels like camping on the beach, driving five hours to see the love of my life, sleeping in the car on a mountain with him by my side, eating those delicious pastries and drinking the most bitter of coffee; so unlike the spark I see in him.
I'm so inevitably, undeniably, irrevocably in love with the most old, gorgeous, kind soul I have ever encountered.
The taste of coffee, something I have known as a friend for so long, has come to remind me of the taste of him on my lips, the smoke dancing around his breath.
Curiously my mind always wanders to his old soul, the one that loves Billy Joel, the voice we listened to on that music box the time he crowned my finger in a wooden promise.
He is as handsome as the sun when it sets and as sweet as the syrup you taste in the morning.
Nothing is more enticing and satisfying than waking up to the natural scent of his sweet demeanor and kissing that ever so charming smile every single chance I can grasp.
My heart is compelled to explode as it cannot understand that this person has finally found their way to me, as if I dreamt up this soul and he came to me in the last membrance of the nights previous endeavor.
When I think of the future, I see only him, being my partner in crime.
Being there with me, holding my hand as we both accomplish our so closely reachable dreams.
I see myself having the honor of marrying my prince in the most whimsical, fairytale, forest you've ever laid your eyes upon.
I see those pink, fluffy flowers, I see that crown of peonies laying atop her head, his face looking at her as if he's seen angel and cannot stand the beauty she has longed to give to him for so long.
The face of a man so in love with his princess and so happy that they finally get to be forever wed in the way that most pleases God.
These two will have the most refreshing and kind love story anyone has ever seen.
One so full of kindness, love, bravery, honor, strength, honest, patience, and passion.
They will be so happy with all that they will be blessed with and be the happiest little fairy family that ever lived within the bungalow they made a home together in.
They will laugh and play and smile and cry together.
They will be so full of love for each other that people could tell noticing only an insignificant exchange between their eyes.
They will fight yes, but only with their hearts flooded with the love they feel for each other and will inevitably end in the most passionate of encounters.
They are the story that has yet to be told in this era.

Congratulations, you finally broke me.