Please do me a kindness and cease stalking my dream world.

"You are a light of the world. A town on a hill cannot be hidden. In the same way let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven"

Drunken thoughts.
Not too late at night but just when the party starts.
I'm reminded of how much I used to be in love.
But this saddens me.
I know now that it was partially a sham.
False hopes and dreams were hidden in the silence you never spoke of.
Fantasies of what this future would be like with you by my side, but all I see is the ghost of you in my memories.
You guys don't understand how longingly wrenching it is to realize you never had the same intentions and dreams as I.
That you never spoke of your dreams because you knew they would break my heart.
Here we are, me wondering if things were as passionate for you as they were for me.
If all those sayings, words, and feelings, were just spoken to give you something before you actually left.
If I was kept around to be strung out until the end giving you everything you knew I would have.
I was so in love with you.
You knew it too.
You knew I would have stayed by your side until you told me to leave.
That even if I had known the truth of your unwanting, I still would have loved you with the darkened heart I owned.
Turned dark for you.
Left as the one who was emotionally attached by love for you.
You left as the one physically attached to me, body langauge proving to be the only thing you miss.
Maybe you miss my smile, maybe you miss my beauty.
Maybe you miss the ***.
But I miss the emotional attachment of my once best friend.
The one who talked about my dreams with me.
The one who held me as I cried about losing you.
The one who told me to look to our star when I feared of never seeing you again.
But not once did you understand what you were putting me through.
You left and I doubt you ever felt bad about leaving me.
Because I could never do that to you and then cut you out of my life like it was nothing.
Maybe I still love you.

For those of you who know my writing, you know it has been dark the entire last year.
What I am about to express here is the light that has illuminated through my life.
I am a Chritstian.
That sentence alone probably just turned half the world away, but please keep reading.
A lot of people in this scary and dark world have the completely wrong idea about what it is to be a Christian.
If you are a Christian or if you are the farthest thing, I need to explain something to you.
Please don't let the darkness overwhelm you, there is light.
The world grasps Christians as the largest group of hypocritical, judgemental people that exists.
I want to tell you what I think Christianity is.
Christianity is not a religion.
It is a relationship with Jesus as your best friend, Lord, Savior, and even Father.
Being a Christian is not about following rules or what you even do at all.
It is about where your heart is.
If you are hurt, broken, guilty, prideful, arrogent, loving, kind, or even downright a terrible person,
let me tell you something.
IT DOES NOT MATTER.
God still loves you more than anything in this world above or below.
Even if you think you are the **** of the planet, God still loves you as much as the most beautiful and kind hearted person on this earth.
Even as much as Moses himself.
Nothing you can do friends will ever separate you from the love of God.
He thinks you are the most beautiful thing He has ever created.
You are His pride and joy.
So, now that you know God loves you no matter what you will ever do or ever did let me tell you why he loves you.
God loves you so much that he sent his only son Jesus down to the earth from Heaven to let humans sacrifice his perfect son for all of us horrible sinning humans so that we can be forgiven.
Without this beautiful sacrifice no human could ever be good enough to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but Jesus became the bridge and because of his death and resurrection on the third day, we can one day walk across the bridge to be with God.
Friends YOU are forgiven.
You are forgiven through Jesus' blood and can now have a relationship with God and receive all the benefits of walking with God through this trialsome life.
I plead with you to let your aching hearts find rest in the love of God.
Believe that His son Jesus did in fact died for your sins on the cross and repent from your wicked ways.
Through believing you can bask in the golden sunlight that God so lovingly allows us to feel.
Ask Jesus to come into your heart and change you so that you can be transformed in mind, spirit, and body.
Friends, you will not believe how incredible and amazing it is to walk with God.
The best thing about living a life with Jesus at your side, is you are never alone.
He will never leave you or forsake you.
He is a refue and a place of comfort.
I come from a place where my heart has been broken so many time by my parents, guys I thought who loved me, and even just a state of depression I thought I could never get out of.
But God shined the light on me and showed me the greater things out there for me.
There is no catch to being a Christian, only benfits.
You will gain everlasting life and never have to worry another day of this trialsome life because God has a beautiful perfect plan for you.
Put your trust in Him and give all your struggles to God and give yourself the freedom to live in perfect, everlasting peace.
For all Eternity.
Come and find your freedom friends.
His arms are open and ready for you and He is running to you with all He has.
Accept His grace and knock on the door of life.
Any one of you who seeks will find.
Seek the Lord and He will come and shower with His glory, love, peace, strength, grace, and so much happiness you will burst from inside and your sould will be consumed in a joyous fire for life.
Come all you who are weary and finally find your rest.

I look to the past to see a ghost of someone I should have stood up for. I should have told her not to let someone use her as their ashtray.
I should have told her that things are more beautiful and that she is a light on the other side.
But most of all I should have told you that I deserve better and the blindness of the hurt you put on me was nothing compared to the glory that was coming.
I matter and I know that now.

Remember how you left me in the terminal?
You said never to let anyone tell me I'm not worth it.
But that's exactly what you said to me.
You said you loved me through your tear stained eyes and struggled to catch your breath heaving through the floodgates.
You said you would see me again one day and you told me you loved me again.
Then you slowly and regrettably strolled out of the doors forever and I haven't known your existence and love since that moment of defying torture.