I miss your smile
The twinkle in your eyes

I miss your warmth
The cuddles too

I miss your breath on my sensitive skin
And your gentle touch

I miss your love
I miss you

You entered and consumed every part of me.
My body, heart, soul and mind.
So tell me how can anybody ever compare.

Lust, desire and sparks may fade but a true love will last a lifetime.

Whether it’s romantic, platonic or familia you’ll always be mine.

I think the thing that hurt the most are the vision of the future that have blurred from the tears.
The hurt that will come when he makes eyes at another girl. The eyes that used to always find me.
The thought of him with anyone else has my stomach and heart free falling waiting to shatter and I’m not sure I’m ready for that pain.
The biting my tongue to stop the I loves you coming, trying to stop the most easy thing to say.
It hurts that he’s there and he always will be but just not in the way I am used to and the not as the one I used to know.
The comfort that used to make everything okie starts to sting just a little more.
The songs that held promise and security now a painful reminder of what was had.
The aftershave that used to smell like home now reminds me that it will never be
Do I use the smell to help me sleep or do I wake up wanting him more
The underwear he bought only for his eyes is now just another piece of clothing
He won’t touch the certain parts of my body that still craves him, he won’t stroke my hair while I sleep or my back while we watch TV. But the thought of anyone else touching the intimate parts of me makes my skin crawl. It wouldn’t be his hands to touch me so I don’t want to be touched at all.
It hurts that no one can or will compare to him  and what’s worse is that I love him and I probably always will. He said I love you millions, his millions ran out, whilst I was still in the middle of mine. And now I’m left finishing the countdown on my own

Living off caffeine and anxiety
Filling the days with films, books and games just to watch the time slowly tick by.
Nothing can quite fill the attention and mind.
There is nothing to break up these endless days running one into another.
Going with the flow without going anywhere
Taking it easy with no need to relax
Plans of summer disappear with every flick of the remote
Netflix stings with the taunting of life outside
Stories are captivating, but there are only so many pages to turn.
But the albums on repeat represent the lockdown we are in, they always end eventually

I get insecure, you've had the lookers the models then me. You've been with the successful the **** and the best, then me.
I know I'm not all that
I worry about that
I worry about how I look and what i'm like
I overthink and get scared
For I know you can do better
I'm the take it or leave it kind of person and everyone will always choose to leave
I doubt every thought of myself
I doubt every action I do
The only time the thinking and the doubting and time passing us by stops
Is when your lips are pressed into mine
when you hand holds mine
When your arms wrap around me and hold me tight
When my duvet wraps around your head and shapes your face and our random conversations
I love each and every crazy second with you but I wish these thoughts didn't ruin the moment
And I hope more than anything it doesn't taint how much I love you
This is me and all I am
I'm a take it or leave it kinda person and I really hope you'll stay

The hugs
The kisses
Overwhelm and melt me

The friends
and family
which I can't talk to

The tears
The razors
become a comfort

The feelings
and the fights
are too heavy to bare

I can't do this
you suffocate me

Maybe my mum did raise a fool, maybe I fell for the first, maybe I fell for the hurt, maybe I fell for the fool.

Maybe that hurt, maybe that scarred me, maybe, just maybe that changed me.

Maybe I can't say the three little words everyone wants to hear, Maybe I can't bring myself to feel the positive emotions.
Maybe I can't feel any positive emotions.

Maybe I'm not the girl I made out to be
Maybe you aren't the person I originally thought you were.

Maybe just maybe this doesn't stand a chance.
Maybe I'm not worth it
But just this once maybe I'm wrong

I chose you. I pick your thunder; I want rain over anyone’s sunshine any day.
I need you. But you have a fragile core and shy away from conversation.
I need your warmth, but you fade out away from the natural beauty of human touch.
Like a flame dissolves in rain, you dissolve from my grasp.  Whenever I get near, you retreat further than before.
Your own wants desires and fears keep you up at night and locked away from friendships, but the loneliness is silent and suffocating.
Your breath tickles my ear and ignites me all over, the twinkle in your lazy bright eyes contract my muscles so I can do nothing but stare. Your smile sets mine off till we’re both grinning like fools.
When I blink I no longer smile, but ache. I stare at the thin air because I feel hollow, empty and cold and no longer loved. I feel cool because with your absences took my warmth and happiness.

The kisses you trailed down my wrists have become scars. The warmth you made me feel has never felt colder and the memories have never been so painful. They have become nightmares and love has become agony.
You were on top of the world whereas you were mine. You were acting; I wasn't. I was hurt and you just lied. You are a walking contradiction and I'm caught in the middle

My pillow is heavy with unshed tears and the crimson slits hold the evidence. But you don't want to know about that. You want to hear how okay I am and what crazy weekend adventures I had. You don't want to know what the adventures are hiding you don't want to know if I'm okay. You just want me to be another number in the system another student you can't pick out of a crowd another girl to throw away just like the last. You don't want to know how I am.

Romance is like Hell, its hot and fiery and you're guaranteed to get burned. It is a way to feel. A way of life. It is crazy and unnatural yet something about it is luring and contagious and you can not ever get enough.
The 'I love you's are the gate way to this place with no return as an absolute. But after a while and it calms, the heat becomes overpowering and knocks you sideways .
Romance is hell, its hot and fiery and you are going to get burned.

We all know the story of a blade to sensitive skin, hiding an even more emotional soul. What they do not know is how the blade is so out of place. It isn't wanted there. We all know the outcome a sliced arm and a shattered soul.
Its like reading a book and never wanting it to end in fear of finding out the ending, whether they do get together, or whether they did actually die or it was all a dream. We don't want to know, we want to keep imagining their lives and their adventures.
So why is my favourite series written all over my body, but not in a language anyone can understand?

Do you know how hard it is to look your best friend in the eye and not have any words to say? Do you know how much hate I bring myself because not a single word I can utter to bring them an understanding? Do you know what it's like to admire them and feel everything and nothing because you aren't sure what you feel but know that it isn't mutual?

Do you know what it's like to watch the palest skin darken with blood all while screaming their name? Do they know or have the faintest idea what it's like to not feel at home in my own body. To want to tear it to shreds from the inside out but the only thing shedding is emotionless tears. My chest beats faster and faster but the pain comes and echoes in my hollow empty space.

I'm hurt; I'm dying inside slowly day-by-day just a little bit more with every passing second. But what's killing me more is knowing I'm hurting you more.

I listened to the song you suggested, I played it on repeat for weeks on end. Any other song leaves a bitter aftertaste in the back of my mouth from the harmonies. It leaves an ache where once the lyrics would flow and the new lyrics fill the old hollow me. The song that reminds me of you throw me into a deep deja vu of our time together.
I remember each little touch, of your hands holding mine, of them in my hair holding me closer. I remember the thrill of the secrets between us, the secret of us.
I hear the song and I'm reminded of you the way I loved you, the way I've not stopped thinking about you after all you did too me. I remember the way I felt and for a few moments while letting the lyrics fill me I feel it again. But once the lyrics and music finish I still have the tear in my eye from the real feeling that has dissolved and left me cold and hollow all over again.

Its a hard thing to explain. Nobody can understand human emotions, not even the human the emotions consumes. But I'll try to put it in words that maybe you'll understand once and for all.

Every little touch that came from you whether innocent or sinful sent a shiver or a jolt running down my spine into the depths of my stomach where the butterflies house themselves. Igniting every single nerve on the way.

Your giant, soft gentle hands gently coax my hair out of the way as you bring my face closer and closer to yours, inches away until I feel your warm breath on my neck. Until I hear the air caught in your throat so close I feel like its me who can't catch their breath.

The thrill running through my veins as if it were the blood I need to live. Setting my soul, lust and love on fire which can only be extinguished by your proximity. You made everything fall into place and my vision became clearer and you put my life into perspective.

You were my friend and I loved you. I wanted you, I missed you,I blamed myself, I thought about you, I craved that closeness again.

Only to find you turned your back on me one final time with no chance for your own redemption. I threw away what I had for what I wanted only to find out what I craved, had abandoned me.

Do you know what it's like to not be at home in your own body? Where everything is slightly off and wonky and your mind fuzz. Where a simple thought causes tears and a heavy heart. Where the slits on your own body causing a crimson river to flow feel more like a companion then a scarring memory.
Do you know how hard it is to go around not knowing who you are? You're not as smart as your friends or as beautiful as the ones you admire, you're the one who can't be compared to anything anymore. Do you know how much pain can be felt in a hollow, heavy empty chest?
Do you know how many emotionless tears have fled my eyes?
Do you know how to make this feeling end?

Your fire burned me from the inside, setting my soul alight.  Sending a wave of unknown emotion all over. But yet here I am sat alone in the dark extinguishing what’s left of me from the outside of my body and insides of my mind.
Each little flame fizzling out marking its territory on my skin. Each one deeper than the last. But these burns don’t hurt me the way my mind does. My skin shows the truth and what is actually there, my mind plays tricks.

It understands the reality of the situations but shows you each past memory every time your eyes are closed. Each smile you flashed me with is shown every time I blink. Our late night conversations flood my mind when I pass you in the corridors. The thrilling feeling rumbles lowly in my tummy when I write of you.

I bet you want to carry on seeing the ways I remember you. I bet reading this will make you feel empowered. But the thing is I can’t remember you that way anymore. I remember you as the friend who abandoned me, the kiss that should never of happened and the love that is artificial.

I remember you as the traitor. The hater and the person who I never thought you would be. I remember your double standards, and the aggression I took from you which I called love. I remember letting you mark me to prove you had been there, but you scarred my mind and  now the evidence has gone.

I write about this because I’m moving on. I’m good at writing with emotion. But I no longer feel emotion towards you. But in no longer feeling anything towards you, I have never felt more alive.