There are moments when I feel unwelcome in my own home. I feel as if I don’t belong, and my family and friends feel sorry for me. They continue to stay silent. My voice echoes down the hallway. An endless choir, begging to be noticed, but it simply slips from their ears. I feel as if I’m as important as sand. Constantly stepped on, and washed away. There are moments when I am showed some value, but they quickly subside as fast as the ocean swallows me up again. There are no stars in my eyes, and there is nothing colorful about me. I am forgotten. Almost as if I am a tree that fell in the forest. It made a sound. Just no one was listening.
I am neither saying that this is permanent pain, nor a permanent belief. More of a chronic pain, It subsides, but regularly comes back. That every day something happens and for a short time, I am sad. The pain has not yet consumed me. It’s just I’m tired of feeling as if every breath I take will be my last. Living in a constant fear that everything I know is wrong. It’s becoming hard to move away from those thoughts. It’s as if it’s second nature. It festered itself into my subconscious.
What I’m saying is that, there are moments when I forget that I’m sad. That the sun shines brightly on my face, and I feel whole. As each day ends, I lose that warmth and I descend into the dark. There is no sun to keep me warm, only the stars to remind me I am alone. It’s a cycle of finding and losing my mind.