i don't know what i'm doing, and i'm doing my best to open up to my friends. like talking about everything that i've been worrying about today. Because my best friend made me call her and tell her everything. like in what i wrote today "nothing" that's only part of it. like i've been freaking out all day. idk it's just a ****** situation and i'm worried.
i can't figure it out
i need someone to help me

i mean.. ugh oh my ******* god. i have never been so ******* confused in my life. i'm still a ******* kid why am i worrying so much over something that could potentially mean nothing??
it's the fact that
i have no idea what the future holds
and that
well
it scares the living **** out of me.

People become friends with people just as ****** up as themselves
They find solstice in each other
You asked me why you're friends with so many people
And I told you that since what happened was so traumatic
You couldn't just be friends with one group
To keep yourself together you needed the variety
You continued with how there's no one to blame
I was speechless
I knew what you meant, and there wasn't anything I could say
See, I knew what you went through
I was there
Just on the opposite side
You were the sick one,
I was the family
Neither of us was able to control the situation
Just you survived it
She didn't
You both stared death in the face
You won
She didn't
I knew what it was like having no one to blame
Now I'm going through that again
She's 93 now, and is coming to the end
There's nothing I can do
There's no remedy
All I can do is watch her lie there, praying over and over again
I know life isn't fair
I know it's not perfect
I just wish I would have it be good for longer than 3 seconds
I thought things were looking up for me but they aren't
Behind every corner,
Under every crack,
There's a chance that something will go wrong
And destroy my entire outlook
It's funny how feelings are so ******* fragile
How with the slip of a pen
Or a single word
Or even one moment
Can change everything

I still have bad days,
Time to time they happen
They are nowhere near how bad they used to be.
I learned how to deal with my own shittyness
In a manner, in which, I am more positive.
Everything happens for a reason,
And I know that now.
I got over it,
And I am a better person for it.
I told you that if you met me 2 years ago
I would have been a different person.
I was… in a shell.
I had no idea how to get out of it and I guess in a way…
Losing someone made me see the world differently.
I still see the bad in everything.
I still see the world as half empty,
No matter how hard I tried to get out of that.
People deal with these things differently.
You became positive inside and out, I became bitter.
I think that it’s better we are just friends.
I don’t think that you should go looking for love.
You just stumble upon it and I didn’t stumble upon you.
I went looking and it’s time for me to be alone.
Voluntarily, and not what I was doing before.
I need to wait.
I learned how to be brave from being your friend,
And you made me better for it.
I hope things work out for me,
Because it seems things are looking up for me?
It just seems every year keeps getting better,
So I need to change my mindset.
I keep going straight to the negatives.
Being bitter won’t make me happy.
Growing a pair and moving on with my life,
Well, that will make me happy.
Stop being this sad little girl who was depressed and get a grip of yourself.
You are strong.
You are brave.
Start acting like it because complaining won’t do **** for you
And I need you to be confident.
You need to be confident that you will make it.
That you won’t give up.
Yes, everyone hits a point where they don’t see the light,
But please just look up and you’ll see it staring you in the face screaming notice me.
What’s the point in sitting there feeling sorry for things you put yourself though
When you should just start to see the good in life

People wear black to cover up the emptiness of their soul
We wear rings and necklaces and say “I’m okay”
So nice and so kind, no one sees.
Our own bodies wrecked beyond repair
While we still give parts to others
Trying to save people from sadness,
They don’t have a clue
Actions speak louder than words
So we stay silent
Alone, I’m just surviving
So it doesn't matter if I stop living.

When you feel sad
Please talk to someone
My bad days now come and go like the wind
I found people to calm me down
I realized I’m not alone
And
I noticed that these people will be by my side
Going through this mess together
Life is to be lived
Not survived

I keep almost going back to my old ways,
Over-thinking, worrying
Once again causing problems that weren’t ever there
I need to be happy with what has happened
How far i’ve come
I need to be okay failing
In order to be successful later
Who gives a **** what happened now?
IT DOESN’T MATTER FRIEND
Time passes,
People change,
Just make sure you don’t stay the same.

It took me many years to be brave
And apparently just a few inspirational words
From someone who gets it.
No matter where life takes me
Me being brave will never change
And I will continue to be just that.
I need to thank everyone who has ever helped me
My friends, Family, and Everyone.
I hope that I am able to repay you one day.
With life’s twists and turns
I will never let them take a hold of me again.
I will let life lead me where I need to go,
No matter how long it takes.
Nothing worth having comes easy
And
Nothing easy is worth having.

There’s nothing beautiful about the crippling words that escape my mouth.
There’s no harmony when I feel as if my heart is going to burst.
I don’t feel happy when I write about sad things
And it seems the more peaceful the words the more awful the situation.
Don’t romanticize pain.
Don’t pretend that sadness is a trend.
Falling apart isn’t something you sign up for.
It’s something you get drafted for.
Forced out of your home into foreign land and forced to live day to day,
Going through the motions
You continue to fight for others but never for your own good.
Depression isn’t a party.
You don’t get presents.
No cake.
It feels as if you’re drowning in shallow water and all you hear is people screaming “get up!”
But walking away
There is nothing beautiful about the sadness that consumes me.

My mood changes like the autumn breeze. I freeze like lakes in the middle of winter, and I burn bridges like pasty children turning red in the summer.  I feel things so deeply, the ocean has become jealous. There is neither a real explanation to my actions  nor does it include any planning. One thing that has become clear is that I need no protection. I don't need a mote, crocodiles or a dragon to protect my temple. No, I will **** you with my words and I will set you to rest with kindness. Don't try to understand me, for  you will die trying.

Life isn't meant to be fair.
It's not supposed to keep you happy
There's twists and turns
There's not always going to be someone to blame for your pain
But there may be someone to help you through it
People tend to wallow in their dark place
Refusing any source of light
Simply because they blame the light,
For not shining when they needed it most.
So when the light does finally come through
They scold it
Saying it should have came sooner
That it's too late now
That they "like the darkness, it's home"
These people,
They aren't living
They are surviving.

IF I WAS ABLE TO TAKE EVERYTHING BACK, IT WOULD BE LIKE A FAIRY TALE. I WOULD BE ABLE TO RUN OFF INTO THE SUNSET, WITH THE WORDS “HAPPILY EVER AFTER” IN BOLD OVER MY HEAD. INSTEAD, IT’S JUST A BLANK SCREEN. NO HAPPY ENDING. IN THE DARKNESS, I WASN'T ABLE TO PIN POINT THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TRIGGERED IT, BUT THE BULLET PASSING THROUGH ME HURT ENOUGH. WHAT I’M SAYING IS THAT, I DON’T WANT TO BE FIXED IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE. IF YOU’RE ONLY GOING TO **** ME UP MORE, PLEASE SHOW YOURSELF TO THE DOOR.

Depression isn’t something that goes away
The overwhelming sadness and darkness
Becomes a part of you
Everywhere you go
It’s there
I guess that’s one good thing
You’re never alone
Always carrying that dark cloud and scars
And no one really understands
And no one really cares enough to try to help you
Even the people you love
Even the people you pay
There’s an expiration date
I wish I could leave it behind too
I wish I could go home too
Not have to think about it
Just move on
You can say all you want that you want to help
I’m not saying that you don’t
I’m just saying
*You don’t really care

I have carved more lines in my thighs and up my hips, than there are trees in the forest behind my home. I have burned down more bridges than there are birds in the sky. I guess I have a knack for destroying, and a bad habit of letting go, because more often than not I feel like a noose hanging around your throat every time you don't speak and I don't want to be left alone so I guess I leave before I'm left. I've lost myself in an open field, and I'm too stubborn to run after myself. I'm blinded by the flowers and distracted by the sun, because the next thing I knew was that I was gone. There's no such thing as a search party for souls. There's no such thing as loving and letting go, and there's no such thing as a happy ending. So, I guess we're all ****** then.

People spoke about how cigarettes **** people
I never smoked, but I still feel a burning sensation in my lungs
People said alcohol tears people apart
But I didn’t need it to push everyone away
People never talk about how one day I would want to rip my body apart
How you’d become trapped in your own head
They never talked about the things that hurt the most
Things that take you by the throat and never let go
How being alone became the only thing I know
I only ever allowed myself to bask in people.
I sunk my teeth into them like a snake releasing venom
And allowed myself to be consumed by them
I was never one for drugs or money
The only things that have ever hurt me,
Had eyes littered with stars, and hearts filled with dust.

I would like to drown my soul in happiness,
And as long as I look at it that way, no one will play games with me.
I was hoping since I believed in lick
Maybe it would help me out but I haven’t been fortunate enough for that.
I guess love never wanted me, but I found you anyway.
We might be going down
But I will go down swinging if it means I get to spend a night with you
I used to think my mind was acid
That’s why the flowers in my heart kept dying
I don’t want you to cut yourself on my broken pieces
But instead replace them with new ones
Just know
When I inevitably fall for you
I will fall hard
So please
Catch me.

I’m getting bad again. Not the “I’m going to join a biker gang and drink whiskey.” No, it’s the “don’t keep the lights on, I’m never coming back” sort of feeling. How I can’t really tell you how I feel, and I don’t know why. So, please. Just let me go. It’s not that I want to do this to you. It’s that I want to do this to myself.

i think myself into the worst moods
just everything
it comes crashing down and
i feel like i can't breath
i'm being ******* myself
i'm over thinking everything
i can't stop
nothing helps
writing
drawing
nothing helps anymore
i don't know what i'm going to do

Please don’t let a cold touch run shivers down your spine. Don’t let the darkness turn you blind. There is a fire somewhere. The sun is shining brightly right now but my soul feels like stone. I wear my heart on my sleeve, stitched in so tightly that every time I move, it bangs against my wrist. There are more dents and cracks in my heart than I can count. It’s broken beyond repair. You inadvertently found the pieces to make it whole again. I’m scared for when those pieces go missing again.

i haven't been writing lately, and i think that's a good thing. that there's nothing that is upsetting me. everything seems really good right now and i'm happy. of course there will be moments when i break down, but i can't help that. it will take time for me to heal from it, but i think that i'm moving in the right direction.

And so it's the
beginning
of the end
and god only knows
where we're going so
buckle up babe
we're going for a ride

Maybe I ruined it because I wasn’t able to open up.
Maybe I ruined it because I never found someone I wanted to be with, could be with.
Maybe I don’t know how to express myself, and I’ve never been good at writing.
But honey when I tell you I love you, please don’t look at me like I’m crazy.
When I tell you, I want you forever don’t roll your eyes.
When I told you I needed to let you go, it was the only time you ever believed me.
I didn’t want it to end like this, and it’s not like no one meant anything to me.
It’s just when I close my eyes and picture who it is I want to be with it is him.
I can’t let it go and I’ve been trying to hard but it’s one of those things that is just always there.
Hanging over me like “you want this, you want this” and his smile is like anything I ever loved and his voice reminds me of anything I was ever fond of and when he looks at me my heart skips a beat.
I can’t help falling for sunshine.
I can’t help wanting a flower.
I don’t care about your past; I just want to be in your future.
I need to open up, and I need to stop worrying but oh god do you make me nervous.
I just don’t know if I’ll ever have you and if I do what are you like when you’re alone?
Because you got me thinking about you at 3am when I can’t sleep.
You got me thinking about what you look like when no one is around.
You make me want to know everything about you.
But you’re confident, and I’m shy.
You’re open, and I’m sheltered.
If I could compare you to a summer’s day you’d be the sunshine and I’d be a tree. Taking it all in and ever wanting to be closer to you.
You make me want to know you.
The only thing is; do you want to know me?

Nothing ever happens the way you expect it to
How from one moment to the next
Everything changes
I never thought things would happen this way
I never thought good things could happen to me
I always thought it was downhill for now on
But since reality finally caught up to me
I’m not sure I can recover
It’s a small thing
That is taking up the majority
Of my heart
What I’m saying is
Love songs aren’t *******
Love is as corny as the movies modeled after it
What I’m saying is
When I’m with you
I can’t think and I don’t want that feeling to go away
I need change because then that means you’ll be there
Nothing ever happens the way you expect them to
And I never expected this to happen

MY THOUGHTS HIT MY LIKE A DOWN POUR. EVERYDAY IS DARK GRAY. NOT A SLIVER OF LIGHT. MY HEART FEELS AS IF IT’S SNOW.  LIGHT, SOFT, COLD TO THE TOUCH, BUT IF IT’S HELD TOO LONG IT WILL MELT THROUGH THE CRACKS OF YOUR FINGERS. ONE DAY IT’S THERE, BRIGHT AS DAY, AND THEN THE NEXT IT DISAPPEARED.

YOU TURNED MY HEART INTO ICE. IT WAS CLEAR AND FLOWING NICELY. IT WAS SUPPORTING LIFE. YOU CAME AND FROZE IT WITH YOUR ICY TOUCH I MISTOOK FOR LOVE. YOU BROKE ME.

I never identified with people who didn’t have a home
That wherever they laid their head was their solstice
In my experience, my house wasn’t my home
It was the people who lived there with me
The people I trusted
The friends I loved
My family who would never leave my side
Not always is your house,
Your home

if someone asked me a month ago, "if you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?"
i would have said somewhere no where close to here
now, if someone were to ask me the same question today
i would say "wherever he is."
if i could, i would go to you right now,
it's so hard
you're  so far away and i have no idea where this is going.
all i know is
i really wish you were here.

When I was younger
I used to think that if you were alone
You had to be lonely
No one was around you
How could you be happy?
I used to think that you needed someone by your side to survive
When I became older
I began to think that if you were alone
You were just that
No one was around you
You can be happy
I used to think that you needed someone by your side to survive
When I became older
I realized
You can be alone,
And not lonely,
You can be alone,
And be happy,
It’s all in your perspective.

People say that when you die your entire life flashes before your eyes. 7 minutes and then you cease to exist. They say to make it worth watching. Implying that you have to leave some sort of legacy behind to make it “worth it”. I don’t want to save millions of people, or even to be remembered by in some sort of massive way. I just need to be remembered by you. If I were to die tomorrow, and my life were to be played back to me, the moments I would want to see are the ones that I shared with you. If that isn’t worth watching, I don’t know what is.

I don’t know how you think that’s okay
Someone’s heart isn’t a toy
Someone’s feeling isn’t a game
I don’t know why you think everything is peachy
I want you to know that
I’m not going to talk to you again
I want you to know that
I’m not going to try to see you again
I want you out of my life
If you don’t hear from me
I ran away in my mind
Don’t come looking for me
I don’t want you here

It’s either
Too late
Or
Too early
There’s no happy middle
Just cuts and corners
I don’t want to do it now
But
I don’t want to do it later
Can you just tell me?
I might die right then.

People wear black to cover up their emptiness and say that it’s a fashion statement
We let rings and necklaces litter our bodies to make our cuts and bruises seem beautiful
So soft and so sweet, no one sees.
Our own bodies wrecked beyond repair
While we still give parts to others
Trying to save people from themselves,
They stay oblivious
Actions speak louder than words
So we stay silent
Fighting and fighting
Until we eventually give up
Maybe that action will speak louder than our kind words.

If I came home screaming I want to die, my family would stare through me blankly and continue on with their day. They would continue to say that I can’t possibly be depressed. How these feelings mean nothing. How I’m being dramatic. I’m sorry that every time I’m alone, I want to die. Every time I ******* think of her I want to slit my throat and go be with her. How I hate how I feel this way and I feel like I’m falling apart. How much proof do you need? Do you want to see my scars? Here: look at my arms, look at my wrists. How can you possibly think any of this is normal? If the sky was green and my hair turned blue, would you believe me then? My body is in as much pain as my mind. I know what it’s like to be hurting inside and out. Though none of this matters… no one cares… I’m just wasting my breath.

Having hope is a chronic illness
The moment you think that it’s gone
It comes shooting right back to you.
You’re like a drug I can’t quit
A sunset I can’t take my eyes off
The more I try to leave
The more I’m being asked to stay
I knew you never felt the way I did
I was blinded by chance
And pushed by courage
This wasn’t a mistake
And I will be mature about it
And take it as a lesson
You aren’t the only one for me
And I knew that going in

It was the winter of my life
When I met you
You were my only summer
And probably the only reason why I made it
Maybe that’s why I miss you so
Even now
I’m sorry for pushing you away
And I’m sorry you’re so bitter about it now
Just know
You saved me
From myself

When I look in the mirror,
The girl who doesn’t know me
Tells me everyday
There’s two voices
One tells you that you need it all
                                                    Grab it with both hands and never let go
                                                    To make it your own
The other part says to give it time
                                                    Don’t let it consume you
                                                    Leave it be
The war in my mind
The battle's being fought
                                                  Are creating chaos
                                                 I have too many thoughts
What she doesn’t know is
When there's
The greed
And pride
There is also,
Sadness,
                                               The part that says “**** it all”
                                               The part that wants to leave
Darkness is all I see when it rushes over me
The girl in the mirror
She says to me
                                                Not to worry
                                                Not to mind.
                                                There’s a way out
That never occurred to me
                                                I have to figure it out
                                                I have to open my mind.
Until I do,
                                               The war will never be over
                                               The fight will never be done
                                               The chaos will wage on
I will never be fine.

If I end up with you, all of the mangled parts of my heart will mend together like stained glass
Broken and beautiful
I need your soft words to help me be calm,
To keep me from falling into myself
Trapped inside this labyrinth of sadness and confusion
So far, people have just walked by my empty shell of a person
Simply because they thought someone was home
I don’t want to be the person who pretends to be warm, when I’m ice cold
I hate being the person who says it’s okay to tell your story,
Yet I never finish a chapter
I am like the moon
Never completely exposed

I’d rather smoke myself out with cigarettes than miss you. Either way my lungs are going to burn so I’d rather be able to control it. You aren’t coming back and it hurts more than a cigarette ever could and ’m going to die anyway, so why not? It’s like you took the part of me that cared. The part that used to tell me “yeah... um... don’t do that??” and all that’s left is the fire burning my insides. Maybe I’m being too cynical, but you don’t know what it’s like to have your heart ripped out your chest 20 minutes after you wake up. Having to hold your mom while she can’t breathe. More often than not I feel empty and I can’t explain why. So yeah, I smoke because I’m trying not to feel. Wouldn’t you?

I was cursed with too many feelings, and a voice too loud. Even though I could articulate every thought that crossed my mind, it never occurred to me that you could say how you feel without saying anything at all. That silence could speak louder than I could. You’ve said more about how you feel with your hands than my voice ever could. You never needed to tell me. You loved me with your entire being and you never needed to use your words.

hello friends hows it going??
well it's going fantastic here because you know the most recent poems about that boy? well i am hanging out with him tomorrow.
will be posting a poem sometime tonight
whoop

I want to be your “good night” and “good morning”
The girl you can’t stop thinking about
After everything,
I deserve to be fallen in love with
Head over heels
I want you to know that I’m not going to wait for you
Anything we could have had is over
The possibility of any kind of romantic relationship
I won’t let happen
I need someone to be there for me since day one
I don’t chase people
I don’t put in more effort than you
I live my life exactly how I drive
Looking forward

If I let myself
I love deeply
From within my bones
I’d give it all
But
It takes time
You have to be patient
And you have to be willing to try hard
I’m not the first box in the grocery store
The one that all the kids touch
The outside maybe be dented or scratched
I am the box on the very inside
Fresh from the factory
No child has touched me
No damage has been done
The contents may be the same
The taste won’t be any different
But the quality will be higher
If you want quality you know where to find me
If not
Enjoy the first box you can get your hands on

it doesn't matter
nothing matters
once again
i'm having a ****** summer
i didn't have any expectations
yet
here i am
with all of this disappointment
if you were wondering
no
depression doesn't go away
it'll always be there
at least that's something you can count on

YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A RAINBOW IS SHINING OUT OF MY FACE AND YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SMILE AGAIN BECAUSE IT’S ALMOST AS IF I GET BETTER SO WILL YOU AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU TO BE BETTER AGAIN. I WANT TO SEE THAT ADORABLE LITTLE GRIN YOU MAKE WHEN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH OR HOW YOU BITE YOUR LIP WHEN YOU PLAY WITH MY **** AND IT’S LIKE EVERY TIME I SEE YOU I’M REMINDED OF THE FIRST MOMENTS WE SPENT TOGETHER AND HOW I FALL MORE IN LOVE WITH YOU. I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK AND BACK AND BACK AND BACK.

I’m stuttering, puttering. Any word you can think of to fill the void between “I don’t know” and “I know”. "Sometimes" works sometimes, but "always" works never. I just want to be able to say “this is how I feel” and tell you “why?” without feeling like my head will explode. I’m not a definition, or a number on a spectrum. I am a person, and my feelings should be more than just words to you.