I’ve never known black and white
I can’t be one or the other
I’m the in between
In the gray is where I voice my opinions
The “it depends” or “sometimes” is often my vocabulary
I have strong opinions, yes, but
None of them are right or wrong
Black or white
It just wasn't how I grew up
I learned that nothing is one or the other
They’re both

I don't think that people fall out of love. That if you truly felt that way, it never changes. I think many people feel lust, and lust fades. Love can't. Love changes with the seasons, but just like the sun, it doesn't simply disappear. I fell in love with you. As sad or naïve as it is, it won't ever fade.

For you are my stars, my moon and my entire night sky.

Everything is closing in on me
I am trapped in this small place
The darkness slowly encasing my bones
It’s like I’m drowning
Trying to come up for air,
But falling back down
It seems I’m becoming dark and twisty again
Not seeing the light
But at the same time being blinded
To answer your question about being okay or not
I’m okay,
I learned
I moved on
Yeah, I’m stuck in a dark place
But aren’t we all?

I look around the quiet hallways and all I can think of are what flower is your favorite. I haven’t said a word in over an hour, but the screaming in my head is making it hard to concentrate. I've never been good at saying goodbye and I don’t think I ever want to.

Before I met you, I was stranded out at sea. Clutching onto a deflated life raft and hoping someone would come save me from the crushing waves. You came with every bit and piece to put my raft back together. I’m not saying you saved me, but I’ll be ****** if I don’t say you were a contributing factor.

You took me to odd places
My own mind was one of them
From our first conversation
To the first time we hung out
I knew it would be different
I just can’t help shaking this feeling
The heart wants what the heart wants
And I am going to be positive about this
With my experiences with you
I learned more about myself
Than I thought I would
I learned that I am brave
Or at least capable of being so
I learned that deep down inside
I’m positive as ****
I learned that you can find friends
In the most unlikely places
And
I learned that you can always
Come back from a dark place
As long as you have someone to help you out
Thank you for the memories
They were pretty great
And I hope that we make more

People stopped asking me how I feel, simply because I think that they already knew the answer and they didn’t want to bother with repetition. I turned into a page in a book. Only looked at when needed, only read when I’m wanted. Then I’m put back on the shelf. I feel like people forget about me. That I sort of just fade into the background, because I’m just always there. I am the fly on the wall. Swatted away, and forgotten. There is no real dedication to my existence. Just moments of clarity, and then they go blind again. No matter what it is I am I feel like people stopped caring about me. Maybe it is in a selfish way or maybe it is because I became good at hiding my feelings. I feel like the stars in the night sky. Millions and millions of light years away, and I disappear before anyone acknowledges me.

Life takes me to odd places
You were one of them
From the time that I met you
I knew it would be different
It’s okay if you are into someone else
The heart wants what the heart wants
And I am positive about this
With my experiences with you
I learned more about myself
Than I thought I would
I learned that I am brave
Or at least capable of being so
I learned that deep down inside
I’m positive as ****
And
I learned that you can find friends
In the most unlikely places
Thank you for the memories
They were pretty great
And I hope that we make more

I am your closet,
Full of bones
I am your darkness
Full of souls
There’s no escape,
Just stay awake, and you’ll make it home sweet home.
Don’t under estimate the degree in which we’ll suffer
It’s an ocean
It’s a sea
There’s an entire world, you’ve never seen.
Dragging us down
Squeezing our throats
Do you think that it’ll ever leave us alone?
I’ve been hoping
I’ve been praying
That I’ll make it home sweet home.

I ******* hate how everyone complains about their life.
How nothing is good enough for them anymore
It's life everyone lives in a shell of self-loathing
Constantly looking for approval
Even now
I'm complaining about how other people complain
The fact that basically every country hates america
Makes no sense to me as well.
The **** is up with that?
How can you hate an entire country based soley on one group and/or government?
How can that be justified?
The same thing for the middle east.
You can't hate 20+ countries because of ONE group of extremists.
Open up your ******* eyes and realize that hating all of these people is a waste of time.
So
Everyone
Stop complaining about your life and start living it
You live until you die so why are you wasting all this time?

There are moments when I feel unwelcome in my own home. I feel as if I don’t belong, and my family and friends feel sorry for me. They continue to stay silent. My voice echoes down the hallway. An endless choir, begging to be noticed, but it simply slips from their ears. I feel as if I’m as important as sand. Constantly stepped on, and washed away. There are moments when I am showed some value, but they quickly subside as fast as the ocean swallows me up again. There are no stars in my eyes, and there is nothing colorful about me. I am forgotten. Almost as if I am a tree that fell in the forest. It made a sound. Just no one was listening.

After long conversations and me going over it again and again in my head,
I came to the conclusion that
You aren’t good enough for me
You aren’t what I need
You aren’t the one and
You aren’t worth it
I’m disappointed that it took me this long to this conclusion
Trial and error I suppose
It’s easy to move on when there’s no feelings left
And I’m happy to report
I don’t give a single **** about you
I’m done chasing people who aren’t worth my time
It was fun while it lasted
But I don’t play games
Not with my life
One of us had to grow up
And it obviously isn’t going to be you

I imagine situations
That has no chance of happening
I think of these scenarios all the time
Maybe it’s because I have a wide imagination
Maybe it’s because I’m crazy
But please
Let this work
Let me be happy
Let me be with someone
Who adds to my life
Gives me hope
And even when they leave
I take what I learned from them
And apply it
I would hate for all the good times to go to waste
But if I could waste time,
I’d love to do that with you

I’m stuck in the ocean, clutching onto a deflated life raft. Constantly hit by my emotions, drowning me at sea. I am not a ship. I won’t plow through these waves as if they’re ripples. Everything hits me hard, and I’ll be lucky to make it to shore alive.

There are moments when I want to take my arms and make a cut so deep all of my pain comes pouring out. I want to watch it disappear and maybe disappear too. I can hardly breathe. I never thought that anyone could live like this, and I was right. No one is living in this state of mind; hence they are only surviving. The pain and agony fuses with your bones and frankly it’s an awful structure. With the words “hurt yourself, hurt yourself” resonating in my mind, It surprises me that I’m still standing. I wish I wasn’t afraid of the dark. I wish I wasn’t afraid of it swallowing me up. I wish I could live without fear of losing myself.

I look in the mirror
And all I see
Is this girl
Who doesn’t know me
She asked why I look tired
                  Why I look like a liar
I said I’m just fine
          I don’t want to die
She said people care
               It doesn’t seem fair
To want to live
To want to die
Why do you keep up the lie?
There’s a knock on my door
There’s a crick in the floor boards
With nowhere to run
With nowhere to hide
All I remember is saying goodbye

It’s ok to be sad
It’s ok to be blue
But honey there’s a time
When you have to move on
What happened, happened
It hurts
You miss them
But you have to move on
You can’t just sit there
And dwell
And dwell
On something that won’t change
They’re gone
Forever
Not just from you , but for everyone
She died
She’s not here
But she’s not gone
She will be safe in your memories
I know it hurts baby girl
It’s going to hurt forever
But you can’t let it get to you
Not again
You must stay at the top of this hill
Forever

There are moments when I feel unwelcome in my own home. I feel as if I don’t belong, and my family and friends feel sorry for me. They continue to stay silent. My voice echoes down the hallway. An endless choir, begging to be noticed, but it simply slips from their ears. I feel as if I’m as important as sand. Constantly stepped on, and washed away. There are moments when I am showed some value, but they quickly subside as fast as the ocean swallows me up again. There are no stars in my eyes, and there is nothing colorful about me. I am forgotten. Almost as if I am a tree that fell in the forest. It made a sound. Just no one was listening.

I am neither saying that this is permanent pain, nor a permanent belief. More of a chronic pain, It subsides, but regularly comes back. That every day something happens and for a short time, I am sad. The pain has not yet consumed me. It’s just I’m tired of feeling as if every breath I take will be my last. Living in a constant fear that everything I know is wrong. It’s becoming hard to move away from those thoughts. It’s as if it’s second nature. It festered itself into my subconscious.

What I’m saying is that, there are moments when I forget that I’m sad. That the sun shines brightly on my face, and I feel whole. As each day ends, I lose that warmth and I descend into the dark. There is no sun to keep me warm, only the stars to remind me I am alone. It’s a cycle of finding and losing my mind.

It’s just
You were one of the few people who helped me
When I really ******* needed it
You never once ditched me
Or made me feel like I was bothering you
So why now
Everything has changed?
Is it just me?
What happened to you?
It’s just hard to forget the ones
Who helped you in a way you can’t repay
Who didn’t let you slip away
If you didn’t let me before
Why are you now

Just swallow it.
Swallow everything you thought you knew about me
Because I’m as vast and vacant as the ocean
And we’ll both get lost before you understand.
See, you think monsters only exist under beds or in the dark,
But the only monsters I’ve seen are in my brain.
So I guess that’s why I’m more afraid of being alone
Than in the dark.
See, it’s the unknown that scares us the most.
Whether it’s our thoughts or the water beneath us,
It’s all the same.
We don’t know where we’re going
And we’re too scared to go find out.
So, we sit.
We sit and we think too much
And we end up killing ourselves
Before the world around us has the chance to.

She wanted to break hearts, but she didn’t know how to raise her words and not her voice. Instead of raising her fists, she raised her nose so high she toppled over. She didn’t know what it was like to fall apart, and maybe that’s why she was the one with the broken heart. She wished that she could have a body that killed and a mind that paralyzed. Instead, she was left with a smile that was questionable, and eyes that said more than she ever will. She wanted to be a secret. To be able to tell people that they didn’t know her, but she was as obvious as an ink stain. Her feelings can’t be washed out. Her mind was an open book, and no one wanted to read it.

If you want to know what I see,
Take a look around when you close your eyes.
If you want to know how I feel,
Think about the last time you cried.
You asked me to show you what it’s like on the inside,
But from the looks of my body,
You already know.

With my eyes closed, all I see is red.
Hurting seems to be the only real thing I feel.
My arms and legs outline my internal damnation
I wish I could ask for help
But I guess it’s too late for me.

My sorrow tortures me, but I can’t express myself.
The transfer from my mind to my fingertips is lost somewhere between my mouth and heart.
My words get twisted up and I just spit out foolishness.
I feel everything so deeply
Just I have nothing to show for it.

I was just hoping you would tell me something other than what I already know. I was just hoping that you’d prove all my worries wrong instead of just reinforcing them… I know that it’s stupid for me to continue this, because I feel like it’s just a waste of time for me. That he won’t be the person I’m looking for and that I’m just ******* around. I don’t know if you’re saying that because you have a personal bias or if that’s really what you think. I just hate being the friend that complains about boys all the time and never says a word about anything else. I feel like because of that I won’t get anywhere with anyone. I mean, after you said that you said to just be careful and keep doing what you’re doing but the second you notice he’s not trying leave. i guess that gave me the little hope that I needed to move on with this. I guess I’m just the little naïve girl I’ve always been. Chasing after boys who will never want her, and ignoring all the boys who I would never want. I’m just so obsessed with “love” and “having someone there” made me forget everything I’ve ever fought for against that.

Today, in about an hour
2 years ago…
I lost you.
I couldn’t control it
And it definitely didn’t ever cross my mind
That you would leave that way
I dreamt of you coming back
Of this being a hoax
I never saw it coming
Today, in about an hour
2 years ago…  
I lost someone very important to me
And I have been struggling with it ever since

I don’t think you’re still listening
I feel as though you stopped caring
I’m not trying to be an annoyance
I’m not trying to be a noose
I try to be strong
So no one notices I’m weak
And maybe
When I do eventually cave in
Someone might come looking for me
Someone might care
For now
I’ll put on a happy face
I’ll act as though I care
When deep down inside
I’m cold as ice
Thick as a tree
So when I do melt
So when I do fall down
Someone will see
Someone might notice
I don’t want to be a burden
I only want to spread life
So when I do disappear
When I do break apart
Someone might find me
Someone might help me
Until then
I guess no one will see

The longer I stay silent
The more my thoughts seem to be consumed by negativity
You are my escape
You take all of this paranoia
And make it disappear
Something I am unable to do
I guess that’s what happens when you let someone in
They fix you
Without knowing
You helped me in such a short period of time
And it seems we met at a strange time
We are at different stages
Different mind sets
Different strong points
And weak points
I guess what I’m saying is
I’m happy you came into my life
I’m happy you care
And I’ll be sad to see you go

It’s like no matter what I do my thoughts always come back to haunt me and I mean I don’t mind the company but please quiet the **** down. I can’t see clearly and I feel my body shaking. Just leave me alone. I’d rather be lonely than dead.

I think that when I tell people that art saved me, I’m not sure that they believe me. That I’m a fool and that art is for the eccentric and the lonely. That a form of entertainment can hold so much meaning to one person may baffle them. Maybe it is *******. Maybe art didn’t save me and I somehow did it myself, but again, isn’t that *******? Art is not only limited to the creation aspect, the classes and the kids with purple hair. It is music. It’s the group of people in the hallway singing their hearts out about a home near and dear to them. It’s the girls in the bathroom fixing their make-up, thinking that is all that matters. It’s the boys in the playground, talking about life and busting on each other. It’s the kids who come home crying because they had an anxiety attack in the middle of English class and the teacher told them to leave because they were causing a distraction. The kids walking into class, who have their headphones blaring because music makes more sense than what the teacher has on the board. If home is where the heart is then my home is any place on earth. If you tell someone that art saved you, and they ask how, just tell them that ignorance is bliss and the fact that they don’t understand says more about their life than you explaining it to them ever will.

I told you I wanted to be buried in a meadow. Drowned by wild flowers and the breeze. I told you that I wanted to know why birds sang and why the ocean never stopped kissing the shore. I told you that I wanted someone to love me the way a baby loves their mother, cradled in her arms fast asleep. I don't think you ever got what I was talking about. How you didn't understand that I was the broken one. My thoughts are as loud as the leafs being crushed underneath my feet in the autumn, and they are as quiet as the snow that swallows my lawn whole. My mind is a forest fire. Everything in it's path is destroyed, and there aren't any survivors. I told you that someone like me isn't worth caring for. That you might as well run while you still can. I don't think you heard me clearly because you told me that now that I'm in your life, you can't stand the thought of losing me.

I had always hoped that I would get better, and I'd be able to go a day without thinking about death or crying or thinking about hurting myself. These days come and go, and I guess more or less I'm better than I've been. It's become easier to stare at the sun and actually be able to feel the warmth on my skin. It's become easier to breath, and maybe one day I won't want to die anymore. I can keep hoping all of these things come true and I can keep wishing I'll be better. What I'm trying to say is that I'm done wishing and hoping for change. My emotions are my own and I'm going to grab it by it's throat and tell it to cooperate. I'm done suffering. I'm done feeling this way. I will tie it to a tree and leave it out in the woods if I have to. This is my life, and I'm going to start living it.

Whenever I see your stupid face
I can’t focus
And I just really want to be near you
I can’t think straight
And it seems like everything I say sounds stupid
I’m dazed and confused
And super nervous
I wish that this was easier
I wish that it wasn’t so hard
I want to know how you feel
I want to know if this entire venture is worthless
And I’m just wasting my time
Be mine
Be mine
Oh please
Be mine

I have been searching for a place to call my own, and once I was brave enough to admit I was lost; I found you. My home is where my heart is, and my heart is yours. As often as it’s stormy in my head, and no matter how often it’s raining, you always somehow bring the sun out again.
After you came, I no longer felt lost. I found two roads that diverged in a yellow wood, and I, I took a lonely road. To find peace in my soul and that has made all the difference. It has never mattered to me where you start, but where you end. How you get there was always the most important story. I hope that you help me to wherever it is I want to go.
Describing how you make me feel is like describing how water tastes. It’s nothing but good and in my heart, I know; just to put it into words seems improbable. All I know is that I was lost and searching for a home and all I can really say is that the search is over.

When I see you I can’t breath
It hurts so good
Being around you
With you around
I won’t ever need drugs
You can make me high with your laugh
I won’t ever need to feel alone
You can me feel at home
I won’t ever need to worry about anything
Because it seems the longer you’re around me
The longer I stop caring
Therefore
Everything is good
When we’re together
It’s like nothing else is there
But us

Love yourself as much as someone else should.
Love yourself as much as you said you would that one time when you were happy and before you felt sad again.
Love yourself as much as you ******* should because you don't have a good enough reason to think you shouldn't.

WITH YOU ON MY MIND IT’S LIKE I’M SEEING STARS. EVERYTHING IS SO BRIGHT I CAN’T SEE STRAIGHT AND JUST BY HOLDING MY HAND YOU TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW ******* LUCKY I AM THAT IN A WORLD AS BIG AS THIS I FOUND SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE FIRE AND NOTHING CAN PUT MY FEELINGS OUT.

I WANT TO WRITE FALL OUT BOY SONGS ABOUT YOU. SOMETHING THAT WOULD TAKE YOUR SADNESS AWAY AND AT THE SAME TIME YOU’D HEAR A NICE TUNE. I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE WAY I DO WHEN THE SUN TOUCHES MY SKIN SO YOU WON’T BE SCARED IF STARTS TO BE CLOUDY. THE STORM MIGHT BE SCARY BUT I PROMISE YOU I WON’T LET GO OF YOUR HAND.

I would like to drown my soul in happiness, and since I found you
That much has become true
I was scared that luck wouldn't follow through,
But believing can certainly help you
Even if we might be going down
I'll gladly go down swinging if it meant I got to spend more time with you
My only worry was you'd catch my cold
Full of acid and no soul
Bleaching the flowers in my heart,
And destroying every piece of my soft thoughts
I was afraid you'd cut yourself on my missing pieces,
But you've helped me find new ones
All I know is
I fell head over heals,
And you didn't hesitate to catch me

If it was only human
I would feel it when I breathe
If it was only human,
I could simply leave
I only ever crash and break down
Words in my head
Knives in my heart
All of my fears are killing me
I lost my sight
I can no longer feel your touch
There’s nowhere I would be able to fall apart
No one will learn
No one will care
In the silence I will never return.

We changed like the seasons
Coming and going
Never quite staying in one place
When I met you,
I was rain
Falling ever so quietly
As I got to know you,
It stopped raining
The storm passed,
The sky looked clear.
Once I realized what was happening,
It started raining again
And it hasn’t stopped.

WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOUR HEART POUND SO HARD IN YOUR CHEST YOU CAN’T FOCUS OR MAKES YOU SO NERVOUS YOU RESORT TO TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER OR HOW EVERY TIME THEY TOUCH YOU, YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE; YOU WILL FORGET WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ALONE. YOU WILL TRY TO BE A BETTER PERSON FOR THEM. YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF COMPLETELY AND PATHETICALLY IN LOVE WITH THEM AND YOU WON’T BE SCARED ANYMORE.

SEE IT’S NOT AS SIMPLE AS A BROKEN BONE OR A FEVER. IT’S LIKE HAVING AN INOPERABLE TUMOR. THIS STUPID THING IN YOU WILL **** YOU AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. ALL YOU CAN THINK IS “I’M GOING TO DIE” OVER AND OVER AGAIN. JUST, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT **** TUMOR AND A MENTAL ILLNESS IS HOW AT LEAST YOU CAN ******* SEE IT. PEOPLE DON’T ASK FOR PROOF. THEY FEEL BAD AND WHEN YOU DO DIE NO ONE SAYS “WE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING.”

YOU NUMB OUT THE PAIN. YOU REFUSE TO LET IT TAKE OVER. AMPUTATE YOUR INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS AND REPLACE THEM WITH SOMETHING THAT COULD ACTUALLY DO YOU SOME GOOD. TELL YOURSELF THAT ALL OF THIS CAN BE MANAGED. COACH YOURSELF INTO REACHING OUT WHEN YOU START HURTING AGAIN. BECAUSE MAYBE THIS WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU EVER DO BUT AT LEAST YOU WON’T BE ALONE.