My doubts..
My flesh eating
All absorbing
Never defeated
Self consuming doubts

Loading up countless ammunition for me

Full release

You think so low of me
Breaking me making me feel like I deserve it
But who deserves this
Does forgiveness hurt like this

Even in my wrongness
Does it truly hurt like this…

At least this feeling comes with acceptance
Newness
No longer remaining in the safe zone of what I know
Of what is familiar
Stepping in the open
Knowing it could be a better way to explain my motion
It could be intertwined with a deeper devotion
Simply put it could be better
More pure
Not constricted by the bind of needing to rhyme
guided by my most honest being
As if each word is slowly freeing me

A simple string that stretches for miles
Intertwined threads that if deciphered could break the masses
Pieces and pieces of me until I’ve unraveled into nothingness
Into meaningless
Quivers in my body as every cell inside me jumps
Begging to be released
Begging to be pulled through this simple string
In agony as they come together
Only to scatter and combust
Causing movement only justifiable to someone on the verge of break
The edge of collapse
How bad could the process be ?
I’m falling into myself on a daily basis
crumbling by each word I hear
Grasping on my skin prying my flesh as if the emotions could exit my pores
Heavy heaves as I grip the soft ends of my consciousness
Lusting after the feeling of when I was okay
swaying restlessly as if I completely lost myself in that moment
Feeling every emotion every thought as every word new word clashes between
My breath from long sighs to short pants as the stimulation cripples me
Curling into the ball that tricks me into believing I’ll be okay
While my internal filter malfunctions at each and every request
Lifting me up and slamming me down
As I attempt countless behaviors to make it bearable
Losing focus
On words on thoughts on the point
Staring at tv screens phone screens
Lost on the glow of LEDS
In a trance unrecognizable to the self
Losing track of time
Having no management no organization no boundaries
A leaf in Mother Natures enchanting wind
With no destination
As life Carries me
Struggling to connect
When I feel every motion so intensely
As if my own self is against me

If I could permanently end my tears I would
The way I wear my heart openly but my words like solid wood
Tough but breakable
Everything I’m saying Mistaken for
Love making me feel poor
Lessening my value
When all I can do is think about you

Only waking up early now to cry in peace

And now my tears are dried
And I feel nothing
My heart and my mind becoming completely blank

Pain to such a soft spirit soft soul
Turns the aura cold
Turning into a person I’ve never seen before
This not the person I loved that I had feelings for
I don’t know you anymore
Never made my heart this sore
Or you did but at least you acted like you cared
At least you were there

You know I really do love you.
and you’re making it so hard for me..
if you don’t want to I can just let you go.
still trying to reach out when you couldn’t even be bothered with me..
I’ve stopped myself from telling you I hate you so many times..
I never thought you would make me feel this way.

On soul I won’t ever give another person my heart..
I no longer have the capacity to love
I’ll no longer reach out for answers
Or try to give us closure
I won’t think about you or how you feel when I begin to detach
I won’t wonder how you think or if you truly want to let go
I’m going to just let you go
I love you so much that if I could see or hear you in this moment I’d melt in your hands
But the distance the silence all the unspoken things festers hate in my heart
Hate that I couldn’t ever hold on to
Which causes trauma because no matter how much you hurt me I want you around
I want to hold you and kiss you
Within all these emotions I feel like they’re not reciprocated
You don’t want me the way i want you
The hardest pill I’ve ever had to swallow
Is the fact my favorite person is no longer my favorite person
It hurts to not view you like I once did
It hurts to feel like you don’t care..
It hurts to feel like none of it was ever real
My pain means absolutely nothing to you
As you took every piece of me I had to offer and stomped it down to dirt

I’ve stared into the endlessness of a blank page
As I watched and heard my words stumble over one other in rage
I’ve truly never felt the way I feel in this moment before
Falling from a high that was never satisfying masking love galore
Each thought stacked on another
Consuming me as if my eyes could no longer see you as a lover
And now love makes me feel insane
As it ties itself in knots inside my brain
And pieces of my heart still beat on the ground
Pleading they could never hate you they just don’t know how to feel now
I now no longer know if you felt the same because of your lack of care
I constantly have thoughts on if I was just a game or if you truly needed me there running off course
sleeping less and being taken by my thoughts more
why would you say all those things for
If you wouldn't feel them anymore
I never felt this alone
You never even called or text my phone
When I needed you..
Not even to check on me .. you just don't care and I cant play the fool
If you knew you couldn't afford to love
Then why would you

Returning to the space of talking to myself
Words that dance in my head or end up as random letters on the shelf
Certain situations make me want to be alone
The faithfulness to your being like it’s never been shown
I love as wide as the ocean spreads even if you can’t tell
The only individual that could do so well
To hurt me with words to feel each thing you said
And still loving you as it all bounces through my head
truly wanting you to know you’re the only one
When circumstances make you quick to run
Quick to anger
Straight into danger zone
Where all the proportions are blown
And now you don’t trust me
The game of love so ugly
Never like your past if you could just trust me

Everything inside me feels like it’s swollen. If I could paint a picture, my body would be presented as a hollow shell. Only for it to not be hollow.. but filled with swelled emotions, swelled veins, swelled brain, swelled heart, swelled lungs, all pressing against one another squeezing and creating immense pressure becoming more and more intense with each conversation and each go through. Im back to constantly beating myself up again, feeling everything I’ve been trying to let go of. I hate the sign of the twin, I hate the indecisive, I hate the two sets of emotions, feelings, thoughts, and decisions. A side of me feels like everything everyone says about me is true a list is as follows: I can’t get right, I’m childish, I’m too emotional, I’m too soft, too sensitive, I lost myself, I lost my light, I’m dulling out, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I blow in the wind, I never care, I’m lazy, I’m not dependable, I’m not there, I’m emotionally unavailable, I’m an ***, I’m too rough, too aggressive, too submissive, too dominant, too one way too the other, too withdrawn, too quite, too isolated, too not in control. A list of my flaws.. a plethora of things that float around in my head flying from side to side, bouncing off the walls cracking the cranium of my skull slowly feeling it fracture with each tap, slowly oozing out the deepest darkest things that not only I feel but think about. The seemingly identical twins but immensely different, only narrowly scraping the walls of agreement.

I’m so deep down in my thoughts I can’t even write out my equaling entity because as of this moment she isn’t present. She’s locked in her switch chamber full of stairs white noise and a single chair with rubble all around from the deterioration in the shared mind.

The explanation is as follows :
I’m Inside my head or body
The Staircase of deteriorating mental anguish leading up to all areas of the mind
The temporal lobe .. frontal lobe.. parietal lobe.. occipital lobe.. cerebellum.. falling into my brain stem where the center will cradle the space of a single chair
One sits in the lair
While one rules the flesh

In the frame, the one will sit somewhere on the stairs because neither is content in that space
Neither could sit still in a chair surrounded by white noise.. or crippling expressions
She sits on the steps with her hands balled over her head in a fetal crouch as the ruble bounces off her body as if she’s ready for the whole surrounding area to collapse on top of her

While the other feels the pressure building up to the point of self-combustion

The two are seemingly different but feel most of the same things due to shared soreness

I guess I’m not equipped for the tale of romance
Love for me is entangled with the first touch and the last dance
It seems befitting but only in the beginning
Because we know the outcomes are never faced with winning
It’s cruel to know you’ll never know how I feel
And how once upon a time I was ready to give something real
All the thoughts and written gestures with only the understanding of you in mind
If only you wanted to know and reached for this stash of mine
The one of a kind
Hide and find
To read and watch how water turned to wine
Slowly to mend my heart and create this aching bind
All the words that flow from my lips
From my finger tips
Every focus of you till the page rips
And I realize it’s here the moment we’ve waited for the big dip..
I hate that you’ll never know
Maybe cause I’m shy or maybe my pride makes me never show
So many pages dedicated to you
Dedicated to the truth I see in you
Little notes I take to learn you as a person
As they sit in the contact notes hurtin
Because I know for certain
Using all I have will only cause burden
I guess I can stay with out you knowing my emotions
If I can go on harboring my hearts truest devotions
So many unsaid feelings..
I just wanna know how you’re feeling

I now relate my sorrows to intense flames
they were once so chilling, numbing me till I forgot my true name
It was like walking through a blizzard
Knowing your body would collapse down in your shivers
Remember, that was when everyone around felt like a snake that slivers
And the wells of my eyes no longer ushered rivers
A time where each step felt like a million miles
And everyone said the destination would end in smiles
They lied.. they lied
I sat in my tears and constant sighs
Forever questioning why
Like I was abandoned by the father in they sky
Because they said it would always get better
But instead of the cold, I now feel the rise of liquid making my body wetter and wetter
Everything festered
Bottling my emotions I thought to be clever
But now all I see is a wide deep dark ocean
Normally blue but tinted with my emotions
My deepest devotions
And seem to follow the same process of erosion
Picked up by the wind and water
The materials within worn away leaving a shell of a daughter
Walking through the sea
And no one could see me
The last glimpse of strength dropped me below where once stood my feet
Have I reached defeat ?
Grasping the water all around
Gasping until I no longer make a sound
My inner me drowning
My outter me profoundly
Intrigued in how I could live the way I feel
Knowing it’s no way to live in death even though the feeling is very real
Now everything relates to flame
An intense inferno that will soon drive you insane
Because fire can be defined in many ways
Determination, confidence, sorrow, self worth it could change any day

Endless days of heat enveloped the house, trapping the inhabitants inside.
As if you were ignorant to the fact that flames only grow not subside
Endless days of heat
Flames that once consisted of a sweet treat
But evolve into an intense scorch where my being meets
Within this tragedy where does one retreat

Fire and ice
In my reactions what could be considered wrong or right
The coldness of going numb
The feeling of nothing as I touch my fingers to my thumb
I never thought this feeling could be topped
Until finally, the chill stopped

Only because it takes time and thought to write down these heavy motions
Traveling deep like the unknown depths of the ocean
Feeling the need to tell a story
Enhanced by the things that must truly adore me

She was fenced in feeling tethered to every feeling and every touch received
Actions my reaction had me constantly battling the importance of my needs
Half uncared for and half never seen
Not my best move counteract with drugs that make me lean
And my drowsyness undoing the thread that holds my face together at the seams

My muscles slowly begin to relax
And I pray not to become addicted like a relapse
The tip of my nose to the end point of my cheeks
The itch travels as my body reaches peak
Down to my chin that I always swipe too forcefully
Becoming a too well known course for me
Heartbeats that now glitch
Treating narcotics as if they’ve become the perfect switch

From people to pills
Replacing all the small thrills
If I could feel this way with out them.. the things id ****
The attentiveness id steal
Only to be lost in a place that’s not real

I’m content until life unveils a memory
My life at times seems tragic but you you may never pity me
A pretty face which hides so much pain
Fire falls down and sprinkles on my life like rain
But I don’t get a cooling sensation it’s more like acid
I feel like plastic

My pain may never dissolve or decompose

I spend days lost in a type of love
The type that feels like spreading wings on a white dove
I go back and forth with it because I’m starting to get too comfortable
And I know it’s real cause I wanna *** for you
Off rip I developed a type of trust
Even though my intimacy goes through the stages of rust
I’ll always think of if I’ll have the strength to speak up
But if I ever want to move I’ll have to place your feelings in the place of luck
As of now it’s the only thing keeping me from being stuck
Cause only if you knew I needed someone to care
But we’ll see cause I throw my emotions up into thin air

Writing on paper something to readjust to
It’s been so long my hands treat it as new
I’ve been trapped behind a screen for years
Writing things people didn’t realize that I made it through with tears
Sometimes I believe it’s easier to just forget
I try to forgive but most times I force it

I’ll never show it to you personally but remember what lies in this vessel
The tears of an aura made in constant heckles

The wells behind my eyelids can no longer contain
What they always attempt to maintain
The failing membrane
Who’s only connect is the end game

Now passing by makes me. Feel shame
I Relive trauma in an area. I feel insane

As I lay all I can think about is the act of disappearance
As my tears blur my vision and give me no clearance
See I got lost
But Mostly in my thoughts
Because the endurance of bartering the validation of my emotions has a cost

And with that many things changed
Soon they’ll be a shift when somebody calls my name
Because I can’t answer the same
and anger builds up until we burn in pouring rain

Lately it’s been effortless to cry
My emotions connect quickly as if satly tears were identical to the blue sky
It's also been easier to speak my mind
But sometimes my sight goes blind
And I look back the situations on high
But to be talked to in a way where I feel disrepected I cannot comply

In true I don't appreciate the way people treat me
Forever blissful days until you beat me
Where I felt uneasy
And you treated me like I can't get sleezy

and I'll never hold bad blood again
But after all I've done how could you treat me so poorly then

It always ends up being the ones closest to you
With pain.. When it comes to this ill act like I never knew you


Pt.2

Remember I said it’s hard to show it to you personally if I share all that lies in this vessel..

The reason I retreat
That often looks like defeat
And my plummeting confidence that glued my eyes to the floor like feet

There’s so much I could say to you that would ease any suspicion
The reason I move how I do travels back to being Christian
If I was in a space to show you Lenora I would
Given that’s the entity you want to know and I want you I should
Every moment I think to touch you
And you run through my mind crashing like boulders once sudle
If you had a sneak peek at how I live
When you ask not for dominance but to be assertive
My *** drive all time high
And I only want to look into your eyes
But it seems I’ve been terrified to touch
I know that it deals with my past traumas and such
All the time I want it
Even though it’s not the persona that flaunts it

Most times I sit in silence not because I have nothing to say
But because I spend hella time in my brain
I have so many responses
And many different voices in my conscious
But it’s almost as if I’ve been trained to be silent
And to unlock a true voice you must find it

My mind stumbles around the end game
As if I pass the talking stage
And never make it to a hall of fame
When they claim im some sort of a trophy
But I retreat because people make me feel like there only trying to rope me
in…

A tool used to block my tethered emotions
I’d close my eyes to dive right in that imaginary ocean
And the deeper I’d dive
The more I feel alive
The less I cry
Until it’s time to open my eyes

In my dreams I either wear my heart on my sleeves
Or live out my wildest fantasies
But lately it’s all been dull
As if the movie screen torn behind my skull
And I don’t remember much
Except the feelings I carry through a day with such…
intensity
Leaving hints for me
As I go through the day
Attempting to dissolve the feels that get a way

I use to hang my head low
And have eyes that move slow
With tears on the verge of sliding down my face into an unknown
Walking around feeling every hand that tortured me
Each day fills me with scorching heat
As I walk around engulfed in flames
That take me away right down the very etchings of my name

Some days you seen
Least it’s what you said to me
When you could see depression
Where my hearts in recession
But it was months after we met
My chest plate in reset
Over a girl I could say I’ve only just met
While I’m resisting you and the pain will only set

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss when my days were so low
The only attachment I have with those moments is when you come and go
My agony my overwhelming tendencies to rethink and overthink
And my screen then glows your name to bring me from the brink
Of my own destruction
And then I backtrack and face facts
Cause you may only want me for seduction
But all the times you eased the torment oozing from my body
At times I wonder if you had a clue or if you looked at me odly
One day I was sick of it all
Returning to a place where it seems all problems could be solved
You needed something I’d never hesitate to give
But you noticed a switch in aura maybe you sensed the low willingness to live
Either way I sat
With my red beats and a raging mind at that
A few hours past and my phone glowed.. once more
As if you could top the days seething roar
And I slide to the right
You shine like the moon in the pitch black of night
To open your mouth and ask if I’m alright
If I had plans tonight
And you seemed kinda sad Imma scoop you hang tight
The ride filled me with jitters
With my mind racing a mile a minute but refused to be a quitter
But I notice that your care to let me sit while my thoughts flow like rivers
And then begin to talk to ease the mind of the sinner
Your voice sweet and smooth
Like the string of a violin or the feeling of blues
In a single night
You took out every thought memory and demon I planned to fight
With songs and conversations
With closeness removing my hesitation
I’m getting closer and closer
All with the same fear she’ll knock my heart over
Still you’ll never know what you meant to me
And I’ll never know what we meant to be

to make or become doubled or paired.

Stuck between wanting you bad like novacane
And hating you as if all the memories and emotions have drained
The con to being a Gemini
Is eyes see through different sides
One where I accept my faults and flaws
One where I think you couldn’t handle it all
I just wanna know why
When you said you needed a friend but still wanted to be there for each other why
I try even though you said you couldn’t show intimacy why
For you to return with another
dragging my heart from the gutter
why .
It’s the only question that comes during my  eternal sigh
All the times I wanted to talk
All the times my mind wrapped around you ready to stalk
All the times I only wanted to hear your voice
To end up spinning your block a few times with the feeling of no choice
In the business of finding the answers to all my outmoded faceless questions
And looking back on how I wished you wouldn’t turn out to be a lesson
Other than interrogating why you didn’t stay
My mind focuses not the one that got away
But the new member whose come to play
You said I’d fall. You said if fall inlove.
I did and now I never wanna come out again my aura.. the wrong way it’s been rubbed
I didn’t even get to confess just how special you are and what it is that you meant to me
I just wish I knew it was all temporary for a moment you were renting me

Take the risk or lose the chance
Going for what I want I’m not too advanced
Day to day I try to boost my confidence
But I just find myself floating in and out of consciousness
As One minute I want to be alone
And The next I want to express all the love that Hasn’t been shown
But Imma *******
You don’t have to tell me it’s embedded deep down in my soul
Ill tell you I’m here
The next day I’ll disappear
I am a broken individual yes I know
But love heals all wounds if you didn’t know
I have so much love for myself
But if I could just share it with someone else
Someone who won’t smother me when I’m low
Someone who actually understands me and doesn’t put on a show
Cause then I’ll turn into a ****
And now you yelling I ain ****
When I told you from the start
I will tear your heart apart
You moved this way too fast
Now you see it didn’t last
Had to leave you in my past
My love life is trash
Now don’t text or call my phone
Imma end up leaving you alone
These are just some feelings off the dome
To tell you I’m not made a stone

Month of March Rain..
the motions wrapped up for you in my brain
Clashes with the life I live that drives me insane
How could I change when I’ve always been this way
I’m torn between if I should tell you
I don’t wanna bring hell to
All the feelings you’ve developed towards love
How you see me.. putting me above
Saying your utterly obsessed
And how you no longer want to share me with the rest
How I’m struggling to Come to terms because I feel the same
And if I tried to take you away your stuck like a red stain
On a white shirt
And it think about being apart hurts
Because I’ve come accustom to holding you in my arms
And simply being close to you is like dancing with the stars
If I say don’t let me go would you consider it love
The things I feel looking at you remain true no matter how hard a shove
Pulling and pushing
Sticky sounds and gushing
How I haven’t let anyone touch me in years but you took me
Hoping I’m not an addition to a catalog where you book me
Keep your hands right there the way I feel when you touch me proves you’re no rookie
The way I wanna lock eyes to melt when you look In mine
My mind instantly relinquishes the cookie

Ofcourse I still dream about you ..
ofcourse the dream is relatively a nightmare and I’m in panic till I find you
Still your arms and sweet smile reach me
Your aura and voice wraps around me till your all I see completely
Waking up from a dream to realize now I’m back in reality
Where you would never truly love me faced with fatality
If you found me crying
I’m dying to find out
Why in the end it’s only you I dream about

When did the coloring stop around us ?

Autumn

the third season of the year, when crops and fruits are gathered and leaves fall.

Change.
The world is full of change .
Every few months a new scene takes over and clouds my brain
My heart fully visible to the masses
But only one can could catch my eye as I I watch the feelings spread like rashes
All over my body in the trustest way
Until I resort to isolation when I’m not okay
But I do miss the beginning
The hot days and cold nights, the first night we kissed my emotional guard is thining
I hate change but this types always feels good a first
You feel every emotion till you swing your way back around towards hurt
And remember there was a point where you were alone
And days you dreaded the walk back home
I wanna go slow but tf is a talking stage
As if the emotions were locked away in a cage
Dreaming for escape
Because they were never meant to relate
Or maybe . Maybe it’s me .
Cause the self sabotage takes it all I see

I’ll count all the moments you can stay away
and how you couldn’t care about me
And especially how you showed it in May
Still in April June I was down for you
How I looked like a clown but I was down to bruise
I could take it all to have you in the end
Couldn’t bear to have you close but far still take you as a friend

So you don’t like change huh
Neither do I .
So I have to ask from spring to summer to autumn
Did your heart move at the same pace as mine

I guess I’m not equipped for the tale of romance
Love for me is entangled with the first touch and the last dance
It seems befitting but only in the beginning
Because we know the outcomes are never faced with winning
It’s cruel to know you’ll never know how I feel
And how once upon a time I was ready to give something real
All the thoughts and written gestures with only the understanding of you in mind
If only you wanted to know and reached for this stash of mine
The one of a kind
Hide and find
To read and watch how water turned to wine
Slowly to mend my heart and create this aching bind
All the words that flow from my lips
From my finger tips
Every focus of you till the page rips
And I realize it’s here the moment we’ve waited for the big dip..
I hate that you’ll never know
Maybe cause I’m shy or maybe my pride makes me never show
So many pages dedicated to you
Dedicated to the truth I see in you
Little notes I take to learn you as a person
As they sit in the contact notes hurtin
Because I know for certain
Using all I have will only cause burden
I guess I can stay with out you knowing my emotions
If I can go on harboring my hearts truest devotions
So many unsaid feelings..
I just wanna know how you’re feeling

And I don’t fw forevers
You’ll never
catch me ever
Captain Cappin she saying forever

she lies

I don’t fw forevers
It’s cool if you stick around but I’ve found none of us own together
It’s disrespectful cause you’ll never stay the long way
It’s weird cause you could die rn anyway
Each one up and leaves
Because a connection is hard to achieve
It makes it hard to breathe
And the feelings I can’t explain make me wanna scream
It’s rooted so deep
Now I’m slap boxing with sleep
My mental my physique
It can’t compete
Hopeless romantic bedded deep within me
Over you I can’t find a peace of mind
People take a piece of mine
And leave the baggage of emotions to claim as mine
Everything’s catching up with me so bleak
Letting my love gather to form solid as concrete

I wake up sad I wake up thinking of you and you wake up fine.. with her .  It’s not fair because if you could feel the love I have for you.. would you remember how it felt when we first met when we first started spending time together when we shared our feelings and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.. IG my shyness my pride never let me tell you I did love you but it’s too late now. My heart broke & I cried when they told me about her. She’s so lucky…. I just didn’t think I’d be so easy to move past .

You know I could never hate you

I wonder if you knew the way I spoke about you, knew how I felt about you, and the way my mind goes at the thought of you would anything change

My chest filled with the feeling of anxiety
The best way I can explain is a lightening strike with my heart fighting me..
atleast I know who her is
Knowing wasn’t worth it
It’s hurting
Thinking ok I wasn’t worth it
I can never tell you how it was and how I felt nomore
She’s in the air I want want she has more than anything in my core
How could you move so quickly
I see now how easy it was to forget me
Does she laugh like I do
Talk like I do
Listen to every detail that comes from you
How you talk about your passions
And how you wanna take action
With your life
Am I right ?
Does she think your so amazing
When your down still see your sparkle that I’m praising
Baby
And when you don’t see what I see
Does she pull a me ?
Cause every goal you had yk I believed baby
What she got that I don’t have
The thoughts I have only wanna take you back
She could never be me
Or even half of me..

Is she pretty ?
What am I in comparison
Does she get it
Should I think this far I know rn what’s done is done

I’ll never
Could I ever ?
Not meant to last together
No forevers
Could ever
Get you back

Dancing in a snow storm
Again
it was below freezing now it feels warm
Emotional sin
Watching like a flower before bloom
The time spent together, Like unscripted conversations before I love you
Smile in your presence all surrounded by
I like you
You like me too  
Little things that seem to excite you
Personality
Like musicality
In my senses
And how when I come close your body tenses
As if I could spot you coming towards me in a distance
Spoken words in a soft voice
Listen like a cool mist that’s not too moist
I can only say you make me feel like a laugh
And intrigue me like equations in difficult math
A feeling I only like when your around
It’s sickening to have and beats in my mind like loud thunder sounds
Like emotions Comes the lightening and it’s striken me down
It took me one time to get close just wanna be near you now
I’m simping think about you all the time like right now
And I don’t like the Cold you make it warm like do I need to pipe down

Now I’m dancing in a snow storm again
How I turn my back on motions and let you walk right on in
And when our lips lock it’s like a blend
Of everything I wanted when I passed you back then

Look at me dancing in a snow storm again

The time for me
Its been like a pain I can’t describe
A pain I can’t hide
Regardless of the countess times I’ve tried
Normally I can hold it together
In my bootle of agony
The bottle that’s draggin me
No over flowing oceans
In the seas of my dreadful emotions
But this toast is a cheers to me
In a pretty clear blue liquid that covers my eyes to see
My heart weeps from betrayal
My mind runs like a ticking time bomb from hell
Asking myself how could you be so needy
When my mind was destroyed and your emotions were so greedy

Maybe I need to scream
Then maybe they’d see I’m on the dying team
Most days Im feeling like dying
One step closer to be pushed back 10 in my trying
Why I try to use others to cope with my pain
Knowing its only me who sits in this rain
Making my voice as small as a grain
And how I repeat the thoughts that break me in my brain
I get upset when others can’t bring me out my own demise
I hate myself when even I can’t believe my own disguise
Im not sure what to write
Im blinded by the inflictions of others emotions damaging my sight

Blurred visions of tears imprinted on my face
A picture of you meeting me with those same tears I can’t erase
A feeling of missing you that I can’t let go of in my mind
The heart can’t corporate even when they say it takes time
Feeling pity cause it’s no way you feel the same
And your feelings towards me I’m the one to blame
I’d **** just to be face to face
Just one second to have your embrace
Only to hear your voice
Or even receive a text I need a choice
Is it me or is it you
That’s holding so hard I don’t know what to do


And how I try it don’t matter
I always feel this way the morning after
I see you in my dreams
Don’t know what it means to me
All the things I see
But they can’t even be


I’m stumbling in my mind
My brain just hits the rewind
Every image of you is sublime
Even when you hurt me your still so kind
So hard to let go
Why I just don’t know
Bury me deep in the hole
I don’t wanna feel nomo
Tried to shut that doe
Tried to cut you off it’s a no go
Knowing what I need
But my heart my brain caught up within these dreams


Help me

Because
how I try it don’t matter
I always feel this way the morning after
Maybe I could just
Give you my heart on a platter
Each day I wake only to be sadder
What will come the morning after

What will come the morning after …

Introvert .
Ive been feeling so many emotions lately
Some say i do some i don’t show my emotions on my face blatantly
If i do i can not tell
As if I’m actually shoving the emotions down well
Lately I’ve felt broken
So many life occurrences I’m choking
Fake love I’ve felt from people i claim to be the closest to
But to forgive and forget I cannot make it through


You finesse me as if you have no means
When you can ask my help for anything
You steal from me take from me deceive me
And claim family as what you’re supposed to be
You only love me when it Benefits your pockets
You do me so wrong hurt me to my core my emotions take off like rockets
You treat me as if you don’t appreciate me
Take all your anger out on me
Tell me you don’t mean to hurt my feelings as if it changes


Tiring going through these exchanges
Exchanges of emotions that mean nothing as soon as the conversation ends
And between my hurt heart and my daily life i have to blend
I hold on to everything and hold it all in till it blows
Once i hit that point all it can do is show
One day ill wake up and not take no more
And my tears I constantly hold back will hit the floor
Its not healthy its not kind
To think in a way closing up is me losing my mind
Its unhealthy not to speak but what if no one listens
An odd ball in a world of people who glisten
Feeling as if I could vanish with out a care
No one would care if turned into straight air
Surely many will disagree
But you cant tell me anything when i see how people treat me



The quicker it comes the faster it goes
And right now its what I need to know

Are you gonna hurt me?

ExCludeD excLudeD excLuDed .
When I tell you I feel so excluded
Always looked at from the inside
When I’m looking in on the outside
Are you ******* happy now
Expect cooperation with out even a sound
When you feel the need to be controlling
If only you knew but I don’t think you care about the rolling
Tears from my eyes
Poetry hasn’t come out for a long time lost between the lines
If only I could rewind
All the moments
You made me feel like ****
And I will never feel like your equivalent
If I could say I don’t hate you a little bit id lie
You can’t look me in my eye
Why
Do you feel the need to treat me like a child
Like my mind is mild
Treat my words like they are idle
When you are constantly unaware of the trials
Maybe I don’t tell you cause you don’t see my pain
Each thing I feel you think of it in vein
Lack of substance or worth that’s how you feel
Most times more than I like.. cannot heal
i don’t gaf how she feels I heard what you said
Those words loud and clear repeat through my head
I pray  against the spirt of not feeling good enough
When its you most days who make me feel rough
You shush my words then say I feel invisible
Then you turn around and act so insensible
Unaware of the things you do but I don’t speak
For a long time thought it cause I was weak
But maybe its because I can hold on and make it seem so calm
When I can Chanel everything in the mist of palms
I love and I hate
What to do at this rate
You wonder why I don’t speak when I feel like the main ones don’t listen
I silence  you all wonder why while in inner spirts are hissin
Louder and louder
I hate my encounters…

I hate it all . . .

I don’t cry
But today the floods of oceans
cover my eyes
There’s time I’ve forced myself for a release to feel
But like 3 tears and a internal feeling of numbness doesn’t really help the process of trying to heal
My face my eyes red
Sheer moments of feeling dead
Eyes that normally have a smile bright
Now swollen with pain
Acting as if I’m crying in the night
no on asks if I’m okay and I wonder do they see me in my brain
But I can’t be sane
I get too caught up in the rain
Too caught up in the people that cause me pain
Be my mains
And you know they all act the same
But who am I to complain

Somehow I’m open
Floating in the ocean
Of emotions
With no participants motions
I’m overdosing
I crave the truest love .. devotion
My heart craves the warm touch
After the pain you think I’d stray away from such
Smooth skin touches her body
It’s more intimate past being naughty
It’s hearing you breathe when I come close
A million beats per minute intensity at its most
The stutter of speech when you look into my eyes
The lip lock the tongue tied
Looking through the vessel of these tears I cry
Hate in my heart but love had an alibi

The depression hits like a Mac truck
The vision of you once left me star struck
At one moment I use to become nervous
But it ends in shambles and I know you’ve heard this

Now I won’t lift my head when you walk by
And to face my essence you don’t dare try
Its not like I felt it in my chest
Its just you did things unlike the rest
And I didn’t miss the emotions but the feeling
The feeling of my dominant side nealing
I shouldn’t let go from one day
But I missed how it felt to be looked at a certain way
I missed the warmth of a body
But continue to treat emotions like a hobby
Only in it for the attention
But to learn you emotionally is something my core Never fails to mention
I yearn to be close
And it may seems like I want relations to most
Regardless of how much I press the feelings away I still manage a way to become distressed
And now my eye lids hang low in the day and I clench my pillow at night because my heart doesn’t know how to let go of the stress
You mean nothing to me but you wouldn’t even face my way
You mean nothing to me but my aura cringed in dismay
But it always ends up like this right
It goes wrong I don’t know why
I lay in the darkness until my sadness drifts me off to sleep into the night
My body my body I refuse to give
But to be submissive in my actions may be a part I can’t relive
Skin to skin yearning to feel comfortable with someone
****** up and now the walk back has me being the dumb one
And now I know not only to block of my feelings
But to let no one in regardless of the size of the dealings
I don’t know why it hurts because for you I don’t care
But maybe because in your eyes I understand how you became aware
Aware of my presence my name
And how from the beginning you moved like a lame
Maybe im weird cause I don’t just wanna ****
But thinking about laying in your arms leaves me stuck
Thinking about how you tasted like the sweetest nothing
your fingers to my lips like sweet serotonin sips
If I lie say im bluffing
And how I remember the small details like looking in your eyes
Or when our lips collide
Your face was so intune with your lids closed
With a emotion plastered on your face I can’t explain but wish I could hold
Maybe I look too deep into expression
Cause what I want it seems like in never gettin
Im tying not to be the bitter *****
But in the simulation there’s got to be a glitch
I told you I don’t do this
Im not use to this
To show you physical and hold you I guess  is my only usefulness
Im so much more in my intimacy
Its so much more that was sent in me
How you don’t want to hurt feelings but don’t think before you speak
And only cease when your interest peaks  
I fool my self thinking one time once day it could be different
Like I don’t peep the actions or intent
Here’s to never getting it right
Even when I don’t  want relations in sight
Here to looking like a fool
Each action I look to and ridicule
Cheers to the bottle I constantly fill but never open
But to tame it here and now this is my only notion

Time
Passing time
Each time I see you the feeling becomes more sublime
Im afraid when I think I won’t see you having to rely on the images in my mind
How could I feel this way
on the topic of emotions there was nothing to say
All about what I feel
Through trials and tribulations and I have to heal
All on how all I do is confuse
To your inner being I don’t want to abuse
You don’t deserve
All the things I preserve
And each day I continue to play the fool
And seeing you it adds more fuel
On how I cant contain myself when you walk in the room
To only wish I could sweep my emotions up like a broom
Im conflicted
Contradicted
Because you say
Then act a way
My mind goes astray
The tension could make me cry today

Fear of everything
Fear of nothing
To say I’m on the fence I’d be bluffing
Maybe I should let it go entirely in its fullness
And not have a type to rule with
I wanna break down and cry
If I tried to express it to someone they’d look at me in confusion and wonder why
People see my emotions
Cause I wear them on a sleeve
And one gaze of my eyes makes the notion simple to receive
I hate my self sabotage
No matter how I go about it with my old tactics I try to dodge
It’s so hard to let anyone in
To let anyone know
And the reason I am the way I am now
Cause I never open up which leaves no room to grow
I scared to take next steps but I don’t know how to say
I’m scared to show affection besides just saying I care only to end up feeling a way
I’m terrified to let someone love me let alone like me
I’ll always find a way to **** yo the situation
And then end up with feelings of invalidation
Praying no one walks in to catch me with my head down
And my eyes low which to others is worst than I frown
I wish I brought my sidekick the ones who never let me down
The perks the Xans the oxys the drift me to a place of no sound
No frown
No fervor on the ground
If you could hear a heart break
How loud would you have ached
How SHOOKEn would the surrounding party be out of their state
How would I soothe knowing it’s too late
I’m sick
but you know you knew
The things you think are only in your head
Do become true
As if you could ever be that important
A untypical mess is your assortment
You never give anyone the space you see you any more than difficult
Love to you the creature is mythical

What are you sorry for
Why do you apologize
It’s not like you’ll see me cry
Just the disconnected look in my eyes
Open for all to get it off your chest
In which you’ll never understand my distress
It takes so long to let go what I feel for a person
The more I see you or the more I go without it tends to worsen
Of how I see you and cherish the moment
And think of the moment as if I could own it
Of me being open to you
Of me being vulnerable instead of blue
Of all the time I wish we could spend
But it’s my fault this is in the state it’s in

Here we go again
A cycle that at this point has to be a type of emotional sin
As my sub conscious can’t seem to let go
This the part right here we hate the most
As we say different person same reaction
It hits the most when in the stage of retraction
Myself to blame can’t I control my actions

Self sabotage
In each situation no matter how I dodge
With the invalidation of my feelings
And no one knowing truly how I’m dealing
Because I can’t articulate my words
And speak them in ways that can be simply heard
All I can do is harbor on them
And bring them to the brim
Of what it’s intended to mean
It’s not what it seems
On the fence off the fence
Sometimes in between
I want you but certain things turn me away
Certain things that bring my past at bay
It’s impossible for you to look at me separate from body
And to be in my chest everyone looks at me oddly
But no one understands
And I want you to understand
No one just wants me learn me a person
And the more I try to explain the more the words worsen
Because I know that not the case
Always think of the things you say
The good the bad and how I over think them anyway