I don't think she ever knew the depths of my darkness, I think she just thought it was a phase or a mask I wore to fit in with my friends. I read pages and pages of pain and regret and anger and fear and loathing and sadness... she just laughed uncomfortably "wow, I had no idea" but she still doesn't... it's still there but I have learned over the years to tame this darkness. We must all wear our mask

I feel their pain and the tangled webs of thoughts and feelings become my own my blood flows as from their wounds my heart races for their fear it weighs on me from across the room I see your sadness through the laughter and smiles but I don't know you I don't want to break down the walls so carefully crafted I can wear your sadness dream your nightmares boil with your anger taste your fear and bear the burdens... I will carry them away with me so you can be free

How does anger turn into this crushing sadness? As if all the fights and fear were passionate memories of the love that once was. You made the conscious decision to do something you knew would damage, and destroy, this relationship. How is it that I feel bad, that I need to be the one apologizing and asking forgiveness. How did you go from being the one to the never more so quickly?

You did this...

I must remind myself, you did this, not me. My hurt is my own and now I must cry alone and I will plan alone and I will succeed, alone.

This is what YOU did

Now I must be the good one, understanding and mature and the bigger (wo)man. But really, **** him! Why am I the bad one? I am too hard to please? Because I have standards and feelings and self respect... I am too hard to please. He is drunk and he criticizes me and he laughes at my country and he laughs at me and I am supposed to take it all as just a joke... I am too serious. **** him. I would rather be alone forever, I would rather live with my cat, I would rather be responsible for everything in my life than have to put up with him. *******

I've spent 100 years inside your shadow, I've lived 1000 years in fear of your judgement. I keep you alive in my jealousy, criticism and insecurity. You are dead but these scars still burn. Every love I lose because of you, every hurt I welcome with open arms. What is love without manipulation and control. There is no pleasure without regret and self loathing. I can never be good enough because I was never good enough for you. My starvation was not enough to prove my loyalty to you. How do you still haunt me from the grave. All the walls I built you took with you in the fire. You've left me naked, vulnerable. I've forgotten how to fight you now. I'll beat my fists at the world. Maybe one day I'll finally be done.

I had just realized something... When I was young I met many a fine young boy. And we dated and time passed, but if they got too close I backed away. I remember saying I wasn't a good person, they deserved better. And I would disappear.

Later, I met many not so fine boys and how I fell for them... Then they told me they were not good people and I deserved better... And they disappeared.

I was so angry. Why couldn't I make that choice if they were good enough for me or not? How could they just disappear?!

I guess what goes around really does come around.