How can it be, assaulted by the chaos of a big city, working sunrise to sunset in the jungles to now sitting in the semi shade of palm trees staring at the bluest waters. A lifetime gone by in a matter of weeks. I feel like I've been twisted and turned and flipped around to be spit out in this tropical paradise surrounded by the people I've come to deeply disrespect.

Is this a test? The slow introduction back to the world I will have to return to in a few days time. Am I one of them, just another western tourist invading their fragile world?

These eyes have seen too much to ever really go back. My heart and mind can never forget what I've learned here.

I have to return, but not as the person I was. I hope I don't lose this feeling

I have become this
A shapeless mist
An aimless drift
A lovers last kiss
A clenched fist
A fruitless wish
An endless list
Of chances missed
To ever be his
To ever be whole
To ever want more
Than he'd ever share
Without first stripping me bare
And pretend that he cares
Though he'd never dare
To show me his heart
So I lay in the dark
And hope that someday I'll see the light

I was walking fast, the man in front of me saw me coming and pulled his wife aside to let me pass, I said thank you.....



I guess I do exist

Incredibly strange, first time going to a movie by myself, liberating and yet quite sad. It kind of makes me feel invisible. Sometimes it seems people stare at me as if I were an alien, yet at the same time I feel like I can move through the crowds, listen in on a strangers conversation, maybe even just sit down at the table with them, and they wouldn't even know I'm there... I feel like I've already forgotten how to speak, lost my voice, and everyone else is speaking a foreign language. I want to drink, I want the bartender to pour me glass after glass, and I want to be alone at that bar full of people. Maybe I'll talk to the bartender, but him alone. And finally, at some point, late in the night, I'll slide off that barstool and make that lonely walk back to my car, and go home alone.

Do not look at me, I don't want to feel your prying eyes. Peeling off my clothes in your mind. I just wanted someone to call in these far off cities, share the beauties of these foreign lands with me. But you, you just wanted a story...

Touch me
I need to feel the warmth of your hands
I need the heat of your desire
I need the weight of your body
I need someone next to me
To fill this empty bed
These sheets lay flat
From the lack of you
So lonely

There is no face to these dreams
There is no name to call out in my sleep
There is no one

And I will still desire you
The one that isn't
I need you

Come to me

I would cut myself a thousand times to drain this feeling of nothing...