I am not sad, love

Something’s missing, you

Come back home to me

The sum of all the parts is clear
Life has kicked me down the stairs
To begin for the bottom once more
Reminding me how unlucky I am

I survey the damage as I stand
No broken bones, only bruised pride
My mind is still clear like the morning
My stubbornness fully intact

I will take these little victories
To rebuild my life once again
I will scratch and claw forward
Toward a future better than today

Darkness crept on me as she walked away
Enclosing on my sense of self preservation

And I rage against the dying of her light
Blinding me as I stare at her horizon

You can’t save someone unwilling to try
I accepted my fate as her shadow retreated

Now I do my own reckoning of what life is
When you refuse to close a broken door

I am chivalrous fool playing to an audience
Who already said she stopped listening

She started this fire a night over drinks setting the kindling alight

We became a secret that night I’m not sure I ever want to share

Something about the brazen mystery of longing eye contact

Or the smiles we pretend are for others when we both know better



She can make distances of miles seem like feet and my feet like miles

She makes me feel transparent with the deep green of her eyes

An equal who can bring me to my knees and make me grateful to be there

And who knows I see her even when she’s trying to hide from my sight



Draped across the scene of my heartbreak and make it a masterpiece

She keeps robbing of my sleep with searing late-night conversations

Or when she stays, and I can’t stand to sleep through those moments

She will try to hide in the morning even though I’ve never seen such beauty



And I move through this life searching for painkillers with different names  

To try and pretend I’m pending when I’ve never been more certain

She worries she can’t give me what I need when she’s all I ever wanted

Disease of the body or mind can’t dim the light or the heat between us



I know what she wanted me to say last night with her soul open

But the coward in me never wants to feel an island in a tempest

My head will never understand what my heart keeps telling me

Because I’m desperate for her to know I need her now and I want more



Future or past tense, I don’t want the present to ever stop

I’m supposed to be wallowing in my loss and pity

Not writing longing poems like a lovesick puppy

Don’t run off and take anything seriously, I’m told

I pretend the others have just as much hold as you



What a ridiculous sight I must make of myself

You’re feet underneath me, reading Victorian novels

And I know when you say you’re not saying something

You’re really saying everything I ever wanted to hear



We’re not supposed to have a song or trade furtive looks

Late night conversations like a couple of teenagers

Just a couple of polar opposites who are charged magnets

Don’t bother asking if I want you to, it’s always yes



I’m not going to pine for you to text anymore (that’s a lie)

I’m not going to write anymore poems about you (that’s a lie)

I’m not going to crave when you open up to me (that’s a lie)

I’m not going to pretend this is just no strings fun (not a lie)



You’ve made me into the cliché of a man starting over

Who isn’t supposed to care about what you think and feel

I’m just another of the number enchanted by a muse

And I can't wait to see what you make of me next

Sure, you didn’t mean to at first, per your poems

But you certainly meant everything you did since then

The way you learned me inside and out over time

Looking into the darkest and brightest spots of me



It must be exhausting keeping those boundaries

I’m a broken fire hydrant spewing romantic platitudes

Yet I know you want all these poems to be about you

You want to be here as much as I want you here



I have seen into you and I can’t, won’t look away

You don’t need a pedestal and you don’t need pity

You aren’t perfect but you’re also not defective

Life takes time to put the right one in your path



I’m not sure I know what this all means these days

I know that I am happy when I am holding you tight

You’re a beautiful secret I wish I didn’t have to keep

But you’ll never be alone as long as you’ll have me

She had to say it plainly and direct

This is real, you’re not imagining

We fit as well as you think we do

We’re opposites that can’t help it

Attraction without caring about poles



I needed to hear it so badly from her

This is real, you’re not imagining

This whole thing is crazy, irresponsible

Yet somehow it works day after day

And I don’t seem to see an end in sight  



I needed to tell myself the same thing

This is real, you’re not imagining

Open yourself up to the joy and pain

You may try to run but it catches up

Face the facts, this is for real this time

Denied, live another day

Dark will not see the light

Cold corners of the soul

Crushing truth to its end

Growing in its isolation

Gnawing at the heart

Wreckage left behind

Wringing out the life

Solitude is its promise

Seclusion its covenant

Alone in this world

Avoiding crippling pain

I wanted to write a poem about love
But it never seems to come out right
It is a contradiction within the same breath
It makes someone the hero and the villain
It renews your faith in God and the Devil
It is a cancerous growth eating you alive
It is the faith that keeps you from losing hope
Its warmth feels like the sun was made for you
Its shadow leaves you feeling absolute zero
Love leaves its speaker endlessly loquacious
It leaves you mute when it falls apart at your feet
It is the destroyer of countless worlds and minds
It is the savior of uncountable hearts and souls
Love has temporary permanence to its holders
I was blindsided when love was born before me
I was dumbfounded when it died just as cruelly
I yearn to never be caught in its clutches again
While I pray for it to fall back into my life
Because it only needs to be perfect once

Oh my God I did it again
It was the whiskey or ***
She gave a sideways glance
And I looked at her ***

It all gets a fuzzy from there
Something about her school
Paying off her numerous loans
And then me playing the fool

We went back to my place
Apparently, I think anyway
That’s where I woke up
Alone, as she didn’t overstay

Serves a stupid drunk guy right
Waking up without any garment
She took more than my dignity
Like everything in the apartment

It’s rolling in
On the horizon
Calling my name
Challenging me

I will face it
I am unconquerable
I am undefeated
I am unbroken

It’s a new storm
It will not cower me
I will stand tall
And see the sun again

I felt you over my shoulder
As I made her dinner tonight
Your sadness was palpable
As if you still have that right

She told me she loved me tonight
I instinctively said I love you too
I didn’t say who I meant when I did
If it was her name it wouldn’t be true

I saw you staring back at me
Lying next to me lying next to her
Your judgment left me cold
Feeling like a cheating, indecent, cur

Why did you leave me here
If you weren’t going to go
Why did you walk out the door
And leave a piece of your soul

I sent her home for the last time
My exorcism of you postponed
If I can’t have you my love
I’ll have to settle for your ghost

The way you looked across the bar
You must be a professional
Before this night is over
I’ll need the nearest confessional

The way you drive me crazy
It’s like a new kind of sin
The room is hotter than hell
So is your devilish skin

Call me a priest, call me a cop
Stuff like this ain’t legal
Get my keys out for the door
This night won’t be venial

Bouncing off the walls
Sweat pouring from our pores
The next question is
Who ends up on all fours?

It ended the best it could
No anger, no vitriol passed
Tears and gratitude between
Longing looks, deep sighs

The space is all I can give
Allow for bated breaths
Pains deep in the chest
Feeling the loneliness

You’ll never really be alone
As long as I breathe on earth
Someone in your corner
Whether you see me or not

The demons need facing
Overcome by strength
I know you have in spades
They don’t stand a chance

And now I’ll need to do
The hardest thing for me
Let go, have faith you return
When you’re ready