I mark my days by my nights
I have candles and dreams that keep everything sweet
I remember how the dimly-lit desk lamp made my pupils go wider
while I thought of you as today turned into tomorrow

I curled up into a song you sent me
I've thought about running the backs
of my fingers down your face
and how your eyes would find mine
I think I first loved you in the spring even though we were still wearing our coats
no one in my life is like you
one constant brainwave of you roars
through my head
and I still don't understand why
you're like this
my chest hurts every time I don't see you
my chest hurts because my heart is in it
I want you to have my heart, and my heart aches because it's more than ready to meet yours

you've captured me in your hands
and on your phone's camera
I never felt like this before you
there is no one like you
there is no one like you
there is no one like you
with you I'm ethereal,
it's all I can feel

It's so ******* weird how inspiration happens to people
Some people are inspired by their dogs in the morning
Some people are inspired by that one song from their childhood that's playing in the grocery store
Some people hear a word and spell that word and then don't really appreciate that word until they've really seen the word for what it is
Some people put their inspirations on their bodies
Some people eat their inspirations and then save some of it so that others can eat it too
There are people around me that aren't inspired at all
And that makes me sad because sometimes my insides feel different after witnessing a life thing that's so imperfect it makes me feel perfect
I am not cocky
I am not for myself, nor against myself
I see things and read people and love people and meet people and recognize people and push through people and cry for people and watch people in their environments
If I am inspiring myself every day,
If I am inspiring enough to those humans around me who hug me and know my name and make me feel imperfectly perfect
I think we all can spark off each other
and keep going on

I'm writing about you
Have you ever written about
someone?
I'm writing about you

You're like my design homework
complicated
and challenging
but I want to figure you out
and I want to take that challenge
and I want to exert myself to find you
out
because you're worth more than I
can say right now
and I want to make you a pancake
and write your name on top
in chocolate chips
I'll give you my syrup
and my thoughts
We can drink Tropicana and discuss
how sad we've been

I like you and you're great

You sat by me and I'll never forget
what you said to me
"I can't see ****"
and I noticed you for a second time
and it's never felt weirder with you
but weird is my favorite
I want to be your favorite

And the saddest part is that it's
all
in
my
*head.

i get intrigued by
looking at certain people
and right now i’m just wondering
if anyone’s ever been intrigued
by looking at me

I picture us dancing in an apartment
somewhere in the future
and we've got socks on
the song that's playing is called "Such Bad Handling" by Toro Y Moi
because I've told you how much I like this song
and you knew that already
I can see us being so happy
dancing in our colliding spaces
but we are together
and you make me happy too
I hope I made you wanna dance
in socks

when we're tired from dancing I just
start to laugh and you laugh too
and nothing can compare to
something as great as feeling you
smile with me

I thought about getting kissed and
completely lost all feeling
I thought about kissing someone and
meaning it, hard
I thought about the tightness of my
shorts and how much I ******* know it already
I want to kiss something other than
the opening of this beer can

I just got home from taking a really
long walk and it's cold out
almost too cold I had to wear my
hood because of the wind but I kept
it up because it was a reminder
you are alone
you are alone but you are worth it
I could barely move my chin but with
every muscle that I had I told myself
you are alone but you are worth
I kept walking and didn't keep
conscious with my legs
they knew how much i'd been
needing this
I give myself comforting thoughts
because no one else can and my
brain is always thinking I don't think
I'm never not thinking
you're tormenting me as I torment
myself
you are alone
really
you are alone but you're worth
something more than anything
you've ever gotten or felt or sensed
or decided or cried over useless ****
that won't evacuate any part of me
I took a walk longer than I should
have but I wanted to I couldn't stop
myself
walking around this place keeps a
warm on my shoulders
I need to be here
I am here but I am alone
I am alone but I am something far
from what's racing through my
bones
you mean something
maybe I want you to mean
something
you are alone
you will always be alone
I looked up more and saw more and
felt so lonely I was happy about it

it's like
the ultimate day of ur death
is when you have no more
timelines to refresh, pictures to post,
or hearts to tap
because you've finally figured it all out
ur an ******* &
also there are real things outside
to go and feel and see so go
******* do it stop reading
this **** man
GO

i could sing to u the sweetest songs
and u would probably like the songs
i'd sing u
but i haven't done that yet
and ur hand could be held in mine
i know u want it to be held
but that hasn't happened yet
and i know ur up late at night
sometimes
and i want to be with u and tell u that
you mean something to me
i want to listen to u
i like listening to u i could probably
listen to u all day
it's ur voice and it's u that i wanna
be with a lot
i like u

i pushed my heart as hard as i could
and as hard as i've ever done before
i want back every single reassuring word i ever told you
stupid picture message
inside joke
fingerprint on your glasses

the ground was cold and wet
my face and the ground glistened together over your petty plaid shirt
you feel like everyone else when you wear that shirt
i bet no one knows how much more confident that shirt is than you
i hope you remember the way you danced
because i will never forget the lie i told about a cigarette when i left

you crushed me in a way that was your own
i hope you don't forget it

I went to a naked party but only took my shirt off
if I got a text from you asking me to go do something with you I probably would have left the party without telling anybody
I connect with you and it's terrifying
I don't know what I am to you and it's terrifying
I really have no idea how often you remember me but I hope it's every so often
one day I'm going to tell you all about you
and how you are the hardest person
and how many times your eyes have killed me

I woke up and I still want you

there are so many lines of poetry that i read
and i wish i had written them
and i think about how the author came about writing
such words
and i wonder if they knew the feelings they'd evoke from a reader
with such words
and i hope i evoke feelings with you
and i wonder if you know how many times
i've thought about you
and i wish you'd look at me again like that
and i want to see you and be with you
and i wonder if you're wanting
the same

get high
get sad
think about what
we coulda had

my grandma is lashing out at me
because she's scared
I think it's because she doesn't know
how to exist alone
and she's afraid of being alone
and being forgotten

I'm glad I make my own kind of
happiness by myself
I think more people
should know how to do this

if anyone at this school
knew
that's why i keep to myself
but also i don't
you get me bro? no,
because you're an
*******
go lick the elevator

you mean to me
what the moon means to the sea

for a minute I just needed the city to
be above me and the sky to be below me
I needed the vast nothingness to feel
like I was floating on my own

Sometimes I get so enlightened at
night
that the light in my head is so bright
and so intense
that it outshines the darkness around
me
and then it's morning
and the light is gone
and I wish it would've stayed

I think everyone is lonely
really
Every single person is
No matter how much love is around
them
or who they want themselves to be
We've all got a loneliness inside

Some people know lots of things in
lots of places
but you are so full of so many things
I've never imagined
and I want to know you
and everything that fills you

M83 has gotten to me in
ways i can't even get to
myself

I'll probably be the only person in your life who sees you for more than you are
I saw that orange glow from your heart and I knew what it could do
I knew what it could do when you thought it couldn't do anything
but it could and it did
and then you ****** me up past the point of what was behind me
and I can't explain how I stood there thinking it was you
and wishing that I never let you block my view

I have analyzed every one of my
mom's laughs
and divided them into lists of
the ones that make me the most
anxious and the
ones that make me feel the happiest
and even the ones that make me
want to cry
I need lonesome

so far today I have drank pop and
watched TV
and those are two things I don't do
ever

my roommate probably hates me because I smoke ****
her mom sent her an easter package and it said "no open until April 5"
I can still see you in my immediate and post-immediate future
there are certain words you say that I
like because of the way you say them
I have an idea of what we'd look like on a magazine cover
I don't know if I'll ever tell you what it is
we shared pictures of our high school faces on my bed at 3 am once
and when I think about us doing that I think of how warm my room was and how making eye contact with you is a scary thing I want to do all the time

my watch on my wrist
my watch on my wrist and ur hand on my waist
my waist next to ur waist laying on the grass
my back on the grass and ur hair on the grass and our thoughts out loud
my time of you in the time we have together
it's nice to be hugged sometimes

I don't have anyone around to break my heart
because I can easily create the same effect
all alone
by
myself
It's a torturous cycle
and I'm doing it to
myself

no one should have to bleed
if someone makes you, just get away
from them

you are nothing like anything
and that draws me closer
I am intrigued and you are the only
figurine in this dimly-lit hall
let yourself fall
it's not going to hurt
I can handle you and hold you and
tell you about the beautiful tragedy
of our lives
we're all we are together
boy

i hate saying i'm lonely
it's too pathetic
i feel as if the word "lonely" is associated with needing a significant other to be with constantly
but lonely just means feeling alone
not necessarily feeling like you need a romantic interest, just feeling alone
by yourself
so i just press myself against the window and look down at the people on the street and try my hardest to feel something

****

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO HEAR SUCH BEAUTIFUL WORDS IN MY EARS

WOW

I'm falling in love with the intensity of the song
it keeps me gripping every beat and
every sound and
every sonar bite

and I don't give a **** about the day
because you're all that's in my ******* mind
and I haven't weathered this yet

The angst from last summer
is not a friendly pat.
It's a dive bomber airplane
and I'm under attack.

resilience
it's a word with a newfound
relevance in my life today because it
means all that I am and
all I want to become
and I thought about how it sounded
when my mom said it
and how my grandma said it
and I'm writing in the dark to try and
escape every **** thing in the room

I'm in a luxurious room that doesn't
fit in with the rest of the house
I think there's a place in my head
that doesn't fit in with everything
else

**** up my body
and sell my soul,
I'm addicted to the night
and all it holds

I'm scared how hard I could love you
I could love you so hard
I could love you like you want
I'm ready to give you my heart
and I'm scared and I'm lost
but there's a way I can feel
and I think I'm ready

A cigarette clenched between your
lips
you've got it kept secret and you
hide it with everything else behind
your lips
now all I want is to kiss you

I've been listening to the same album for the past 3 days
and it never gets old
It's directly linked to my living and
my life in this **** moment
I like the way the sharps and flats
clash with the pure melody
it creates this sort of structured chaos but it also makes me feel insanely in control of myself
and not so far off
and more and more tense with happiness
it's ****** up but it's a beautiful
piece of work
thanks

thanks for the temporary pulse
and temporary thrill
i've never gotten a vibe quite like yours
i guess i never will

******* my family makes me feel like I'm special and that
I've got a purpose that no one else has
and sometimes I pat myself on the back and feel convinced that they're
right
and I've got perfect pitch but music isn't in my career window
and I'm terrified that it      will      never      be
I'm one person
*******
I can't feel like I'm special I need you to stop spilling that idea into my brain
it's like some sort of antidote and
every syllable is a sock in the confidence but in a good way
and I go crazy
I guess I am crazy most of the time
but I'm not when I'm sitting here with
a blue face

i am feeling so soft and tiny and happy and warm. this is such a small posting but i needed to do it. my heart has come open, i think, and in the best way. i felt things i haven’t felt in a long time for someone, and i like how different they are from me. and i love how we are together, our voices sounding sweetly and softly while the sun comes up. smiling, laying next to each other, my face was wider and happier than it’s been. i have a swelling in my throat for these happy candles inside me. if i can find a way to keep these candles burning, i will.

everything about you, I want to hold
in my hands
you are probably made of the same
light beams as a sunset
catching light and filling with light and touching things other lights can't quite reach
it's because the beauty omitting from
your shoulders is more than pinkish
evening skies could ever be

my entire encapsulated ******* being is pointing toward you
every aspect of my will
my conscience
my gut and heart above it
wants your light
I haven't stopped wanting, longing for your heart
you told me you loved Biggie
and I fell for you hard

surfaces and layers
whatever lies in between
no, it's not serious
no, it's not off the bat
i'm sick of being sick and i'm being without really being
i am always for myself just as i am always for others

enough turns to waiting
patience dry like my mouth
when the blunt hits, i want someone to ******* fight for this

these eases are built inside my own head
and anyone outside of them risks being crushed
it's too high up
you can't reach it
you're real but you're not being realistic
(lauren)

give them room and they will grow
give them their bodies and they'll show you what they got
my outlets ache
on more than just one surface

consciously slowing the depth of my own realness is the most unnatural thing i've ever done
it's an attempt at my sole protection
it's an attempt at my soul's protection

to avoid the dragging of my heart across some rocky ground is all I can
ask of you
low hanging clouds hover above your edge
covering what it is I'm seeking to find,
but just so you know
nothing about you is low hanging

I unevenly know where my blindness will get me, I just know it's only ever gotten me somewhere
the only sureness is to not get hurt
and not feel that pain all over again
another 10 months can't ruin me like he did,
I'm already too strong and it hasn't been that long

the sleeves of my coat feel tighter,
I wish it was enough for your sweet air to handle

I made a list of stuff I have to get at target
I'm sitting on my bed only it feels like a ****** island
the only appealing feeling to me is helplessness and a shower
I want to cough in the shower and feel like I'm losing everything
I don't want to choose my Sunday I
want Sunday to choose me
can you let me put my nose in your neck
I realize that I have a different kind of angst now that I want to cry about
nothing to you
I woke up and wanted you
I want you when I have bad posture I want to hunch my back next to you
I'm really not forgetting about you
you've told me about you crying and I want to watch a movie and cry with you
I wonder what your arms feel like

I listen to my sad friends and
their problems
I want to help them feel better
I want to make you feel better
I'm not always happy
and I'm not doing well
and I know more than I wanna know
but I think you're some kind of
magnet
and I can't get the **** away from
you
and I look at you
you look at me
we are friends
friends are cool
you should come over more often
I am truly always here for you and
your sadness
I wanna hug you and come see you
and lay under that table next to you
and I wanna high five you all day
long
I want my fingers to hug yours
****
I bet your fingers give good hugs
you're so tragic cute
and I wanna tell you that eventually
we may not be friends for long but I hope we will
be

To my Alice,

The first summer in June
flickered past us like a candle’s shaken flame.
The trees shimmered lightly,
the grass raised its blades,
the perfumed mist settled
when the moon shone.

Deep in the fields of tulips,
the sheath of night
lay His cloak upon
the garden’s breast.
I was there
I had wondered
in my lonesome,
is it not just me?
Who am I to be all this—
truly, madly
deeply searching?

I caught hold of something far off,
building upon my senses
until my self
felt it.
She was soft yet sharp,
marbled, yet refined
A tan-speckled face,
etched in dainty favors
To describe you as I saw,
Ah, it was you I saw,
a slender path taken
but boldly so.
You were as you walked,
and I longed unknowingly.

The illumination,
pure opulence
and oval-faced splendor
upon your cheeks.
You are like
the moon’s first peak,
the sunrise’s first kiss,
the lilies first bloom in the greenest garden.
And I wished I was there
when the world
bestowed you Her beauty.

- T

For Tess,

Your gaze toward me, you say,
was first between us two,
I say to thee—it was equal!
For the moment
your glossy eyes
fluttered—oh,
to watch that first
look of you again—
I lost my barriers to you.

The length at which
you hold me
can never be close enough.
Let me under the nook
of your arm,
Leave me be there for
a while.
The sweetest place
I ever took refuge in,
it is here
it is nestled close.
If you are the nest,
let me be your bird.
I will flit always to you
and to you I do come home
again.

Soothing and swelling,
taming my raucous anger,
or healing my lonely spirit
You are my safe house—
let me dwell beneath your
robust roof
and feel your soft touch
to mine.

Naturally, then, we didst come
to be…
you saw I, and I saw thee.
As a pirate elates upon
discovering  
precious gems,
you too, my Dear,
I have found and treasure
near.

- A