all i want is to sleep but even he's
watching everything that happens
i could stay up here for a week and
wouldn't feel the difference
realizing everything to feel is real
who cares where it is
i can't close my eyes and it's
haunting me just like you

wanting to stare off meaninglessly
into space while being held, being
held, being very held by someone
the feeling of holding and being held
by someone
wanting to think endlessly while
holding something, while holding
something, someone, holding
anything just to have the feeling of
holding present
any act of desperation seems
apparent or pathetic at this point

sometimes I wonder if
these nights in the dark amount
to anything

and then I realize
that I need this
dark more than some people
need me

you can only find the sadness in the
song if you're really listening to
it, the heartfelt outcry initially later
secluding into the heart of the
girl, who is truly happy while is never
underneath
I can't believe I made it this far

just know that I was in a black void
reaching out for something
and I'm not really sure what exactly I
was reaching for
if it was in the dark
or if it was the dark itself
but I wanted it to be your hand and I
haven't stopped wanting it to be
your hand for always
so I'm sorry I want your hand being
held in mine but I do
I want to clutch your hand in the
warmest way
I want my hand grabbing your hand
to feel like the warmest cup of hot
chocolate in the coldest winter ever
seriously all I ever think about when
we're together is how your hand
would feel in my hand
I'm sorry I'm an ******* and I'm
weird

WHEN WE HOLD HANDS I WANT
YOU TO FEEL AS EUPHORIC AS
YOU WOULD IF YOU FOUND YOUR
PHONE WHEN IT WAS LOST
ACCIDENTALLY IN YOUR POCKET
AND YOU COULDN'T FIND IT FOR
A REALLY LONG TIME

i woke up at 7:30 today to the sound of rain coming through the open window in my bedroom
i've discovered that this is what i want every morning to be like
this is my daily wish
and it came true today
and i'm home until Tuesday
and i've thought about someone aching for me and died in the process

there's this existential feeling I have every time I break my own heart
I fall too fast,
trust too viciously,
feel the heat in a pool of ice
ignore the colored tones at the window

rose oil on my neck
my gradient over your baby blue legs
I let myself go where I thought there was air
but you're much farther than I can think to reach

acid brings you closer to yourself
if you weren't close enough already

my advice?
go to art school.
**** it.
nothing's the same anymore
so why not watch a sunset
with your best friend?

it's like
oh yeah
I've got this figured out
and you too
but then I don't know who you are
at all
and that freaks me out so much
I keep pretending that I know

I
wish
I
could
be
there

I'll make it through

sometimes i am afraid no one will hold me like that,
i've never had that before

please grab onto me, i know
where we're going and
i like you

I write poems about you to keep myself sane
and I kiss you
I would choose you over a lot of other people because I like when we walk next to each other
and I kiss you
I like crossing streets and seeing our reflection in glass windows
and I kiss you
I want to wake up to your hair on my pillow
and I kiss you
I will hold you and be soft for you and tell you how lovely I feel when you look at me
and I kiss you
and you're ******* great
and I miss you
if only I could kiss you

it always fades,
don't keep the saturation

I could be the person who knows you
best
but god knows you aren't ready and
here we are in the void
this ******* space that makes no
sense
you and I
we are in it
even though I never asked to be

rejected postcards from friends tells me
I shouldn't be here
but you
you roped me in
you chose me and I didn't know I'd
get this deep
you were it
you gave me a fake cushion for the
chair
and the hard seat hit harder
and I felt so pulled and stupid
but god knows you weren't ready

the text read:
"an old soul who knows how to be young maybe.
sometimes i think i am too many things all at once"

I think about kissing you to no end
kissing you, magically kissing your name and lips into the air around us
to be near you, against you, beside
you

I see you and I see everything all over again at once
I find you all the time and want to
hold you all the time
when your hands
the precious delicate ways your hands can look in a quiet,
crowded room
the way you look standing there
across the oceans of space standing between us
I'm waning like the moon, but for your
face's beauty to find me just once

just once is all it would take to dive into you completely
I can't help being so truly enamored
your orb of light and my raw hearted being

to experience a wave like you in a storm like me is the incredible way our souls found each other

I felt my body from every angle,
different angles
just to see what the **** the touch would feel like at my skin's own
surface value
I'm craving a point of view that's
beloved and gloved
but my drying eyelids beg to differ

I've always been a one woman
band
doing it without a hint of man I'm
inside myself with my right hand
it's all a cold sweat up to here—
back knees and an achy breeze—

last night I thought about death before bed again
I only sleep when it's raining showers
to my solemned out thoughts, put yourselves on the glowing paper in front of me

I'd rather you place your curvatures
directly inside of this outline
it'll be easier that way, so tell them what you want and then go *******
get it
my finger creases are proportionately equal to the amount of
words I've spent on human hands
this minted empty intimacy has always been familiar to me

Love: Holding someone

Peace: Feeling centered with yourself, knowing where you are and feeling it, light winds and being in the sun

Secret: Feeling dark on the inside & outside

Empty: Not wholesome, alone

Free: Living without hesitation

Grief: Seeing those around you hurting and that in itself is what’s hurting you

Longing: Overcome with strained desire, needing something so much that you’re feeling tense with want

Regret: Shaming yourself and ignoring forgiveness

Anger: Frustrating your thoughts into one ball of rage

Oblivion: Finding your unknown

Competition: Fighting for your own self against the odds of others

Hope: Always looking for something more, the future should be bright

COME OVER AND LISTEN TO SONGS THAT HAVE CHANGED OUR LIVES.

A Courier boy is filling my head
with thoughts and words untyped and unsaid
And I'm just a girl who's Helvetica Neue
and all I want is to be with you

I'm making croissants and
I'll save you one
we could really help
each other
out
this year
we need each
other
so come for your croissant
come for me here now

wait
My roommate ate it
I'm sorry
****

dipped in the nook of your bed
it's not supposed to be there,
but you've settled in it before
alone,
we take turns mumbling heartfelt
sighs and soft secrets

our heads on your pillows
as if they were fragile and full and
weightless
another 20 minutes sharing this
same space
you don't get up until I do
it's all I can do to not to

I said what I felt once
veering off the road, I spewed it all
out in a single breath to a dead end
"You've got nothing to lose"
but it wasn't me who lost
even though I felt guilty
and I could care less about the numbers and the letters telling me
how much sleep I'm losing
and I could care less about the way
you were great.

I've gone and now I'm on my way
and I can feel the wheel slipping
away again
it's on repeat.

tonight i went on a date with my windows
they're so large and beautiful i don't think i'll ever live somewhere else in my life with windows as big as these ones
a lot of frankie cosmos because that's how i feel
i'm eagerly lonely
i haven't felt this alone ever
it's like an adult loneliness
i'm alone
i'm swirling that word around inside my head like a marble in a wooden bowl
alone
alone
lonely? yes
also alone

I've concluded that I wanna tell you
everything
and something keeps telling me
you'll listen, you'll really listen
I don't know
I don't know who knows how late
I've been awake
and I don't want to sing into my
pillow so it muffles the sound
I think you're here to bring me back
and I wanna tell you everything

I want to halo my hands around your
face in a way that's gentle but just
barely
I want to be touching your face but just the tips
of your soft peach hairs
I want your eyes and mine entwined
I also want to be entwined in you and around you and with you and next to you
seeing you is like seeing everything
for the first time again
seeing you is as close to seeing a star
existing as a real human
you are also moonlike and glowing all the time
I could sit in your glow forever
or at least until 5:54 a.m.
I'll be your sea if you be my moon

ANYTHING WORTH FEELING IS
FEELABLE
OPEN THE **** UP AND FEEL ME
DO YOU FEEL ME
YOU DIDN'T
I'M A FRIEND
I'M YOUR FRIEND
I'M AN INSTAGRAM LIKE
I'M MORE THAN AN INSTAGRAM LIKE
I FEEL YOU
I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT FEEL YOU
AND WE BOTH KNOW
WHO'S ALONE IN THAT BIG EMPTY ROOM WHEN THE DOOR SHUTS
WHO PUTS UP WITH EVERYONE ELSE
WHO LOOKS AT ME THAT WAY
—
I FELT YOU AND YOU FELT IT TOO
NO ONE ELSE DID THAT IN YOUR LIFE
I HOPE IT WAS SOMETHING FOR YOU

I saw something tonight,
something I'd been seeing for years
that always brought people together.
But ironically,
the sparks shooting across the sky
made me feel the
loneliest
I've ever felt.

i'm afraid that
laying on this
floor does nothing
more than feel
cold on my heart

I think it's just
human
to not fully understand why someone would
forget you
after you showed them a part of you that's
not always on display.
You'll make yourself suffer and mentally
try to grasp
why.
It takes awhile to heal,
so try to forget about it,
just like they've forgotten about
you.

I am taking baby steps
baby steps
baby steps
baby step
and that was for you
and that was all for you too

I wrote your name on the wall
it was for you

I want to catch your eyes and put
them in my pocket
your eyes are magnetic
you are magnetic
I am the magnet to your fridge
I am some type of food magnet
and you're probably an off-white fridge full of cheap beer and leftovers
I am pulled to you
I am pulled to you but I don't know why
I'm only a magnet
and you're my fridge

I've got freckles & ****
and you've got those
******* headphones
but you took them
out for me
and I like you
because of that

get high think of u
get high ask u to come over in ur pjs
get high want u
get high sleep away dreams of u
get high wanna talk to u on facebook chat even tho i hate it
get high & say ur name
get high think of u

good writing comes from
uncomfortable situations good
writing comes from times spent
alone in dark hallways good
writing comes from
people with a change of plans good
writing comes from signs on buildings
good writing comes from the way you
look at the sky

what if i told u
that when i was out and claustrophobically surrounded by people while the music scratched my ears
i was thinkin of u
and how much i liked ur face close
to mine

MY HAIR IS MUSSED
SLIGHTLY
AND I WANT YOU
LIKE I WANT THIS CANDLE
LIT
SOMETIMES

I've watched your hands
and their movements are almost
serene
and I like that sweater
and I like that cut on your knuckle
and I'm waiting stiller than I was

Plug in your headphones and listen
to your own
life.

i love that
i am so incredibly happy
being in a room with someone i love,
yet i keep a nice dark sadness
in my head

Why am I alive,
What is my life's purpose,
I want to know but that would ruin the enticement of my own secrecy.

how I could hold your body—
separate, yet still so far from mine—
could be the closest I'd ever get
to giving my real whole person to
another real whole person

I'm alive and breathing
but this air isn't thin enough

how do I even begin to describe that
I am smitten with you
just as one begins a math problem
or an essay
but this is a different beginning
because it's
you and me and I am
smitten
utterly, deeply, truly smitten with
your person
and I need to go somewhere
I need to begin
to tell you just how tragic your face
is
and how your face makes me insane
and makes me who I never knew

I almost called you babe over text yesterday
I wanted to call you babe
I think you are at that level in my life
you're one of my babes
it's because I like you
it's because I want you to fill my time
I want you to fill my time with your soul music and sweet voice
when your voice answered the phone my body melted
when you dipped me on the dance floor I fell for you
I fell so hard I was afraid I hit the floor
and you make me feel full
and you give me a warm heart
you are my heart
I want you to stay awhile

I guess I don't really know how to tell
you that I am truly capable of
loving you entirely
I'm a girl who loves people
and I want to love your person
and I've shown you things I've written
and no one else has seen the things I've written

I really can love you
all of you, even the dark parts
because I want to put your dark parts into my
heart and keep them away from you
so that you can feel a little better
all in all, I guess what I am saying is
that I'm a girl who loves people
and I want to love your person

I came home to a raining sky
My body was dry but my mind was soaked with you

i like you and it is sad

i'm sick of what i am to you
i'm sick of what i thought i was
and how you were too scared to hold the fire

i don't know what you want from me
i don't know what you want from me
i don't know what you want from me

the risk would have been worth it

I kiss you because I'm on my side and I can't reach your face
I kiss you to make the sun go down
I kiss you and I look at you and I kiss you again
I kiss you and then constantly think that we are the only people kissing in the entire world
I kiss you because you are you
I kiss you and hold you for awhile
I kiss you because I can't say it without your lips on my lips
I kiss you and hold your head
I kiss you and hope that someday you'll be somewhere that's not as quiet and not as cold