surfaces and layers
whatever lies in between
no, it's not serious
no, it's not off the bat
i'm sick of being sick and i'm being without really being
i am always for myself just as i am always for others

enough turns to waiting
patience dry like my mouth
when the blunt hits, i want someone to ******* fight for this

these eases are built inside my own head
and anyone outside of them risks being crushed
it's too high up
you can't reach it
you're real but you're not being realistic
(lauren)

give them room and they will grow
give them their bodies and they'll show you what they got
my outlets ache
on more than just one surface

i am feeling so soft and tiny and happy and warm. this is such a small posting but i needed to do it. my heart has come open, i think, and in the best way. i felt things i haven’t felt in a long time for someone, and i like how different they are from me. and i love how we are together, our voices sounding sweetly and softly while the sun comes up. smiling, laying next to each other, my face was wider and happier than it’s been. i have a swelling in my throat for these happy candles inside me. if i can find a way to keep these candles burning, i will.

I felt my body from every angle,
different angles
just to see what the **** the touch would feel like at my skin's own
surface value
I'm craving a point of view that's
beloved and gloved
but my drying eyelids beg to differ

I've always been a one woman
band
doing it without a hint of man I'm
inside myself with my right hand
it's all a cold sweat up to here—
back knees and an achy breeze—

last night I thought about death before bed again
I only sleep when it's raining showers
to my solemned out thoughts, put yourselves on the glowing paper in front of me

I'd rather you place your curvatures
directly inside of this outline
it'll be easier that way, so tell them what you want and then go *******
get it
my finger creases are proportionately equal to the amount of
words I've spent on human hands
this minted empty intimacy has always been familiar to me

dipped in the nook of your bed
it's not supposed to be there,
but you've settled in it before
alone,
we take turns mumbling heartfelt
sighs and soft secrets

our heads on your pillows
as if they were fragile and full and
weightless
another 20 minutes sharing this
same space
you don't get up until I do
it's all I can do to not to

how I could hold your body—
separate, yet still so far from mine—
could be the closest I'd ever get
to giving my real whole person to
another real whole person

I'm alive and breathing
but this air isn't thin enough

I think about kissing you to no end
kissing you, magically kissing your name and lips into the air around us
to be near you, against you, beside
you

I see you and I see everything all over again at once
I find you all the time and want to
hold you all the time
when your hands
the precious delicate ways your hands can look in a quiet,
crowded room
the way you look standing there
across the oceans of space standing between us
I'm waning like the moon, but for your
face's beauty to find me just once

just once is all it would take to dive into you completely
I can't help being so truly enamored
your orb of light and my raw hearted being

to experience a wave like you in a storm like me is the incredible way our souls found each other

consciously slowing the depth of my own realness is the most unnatural thing i've ever done
it's an attempt at my sole protection
it's an attempt at my soul's protection

to avoid the dragging of my heart across some rocky ground is all I can
ask of you
low hanging clouds hover above your edge
covering what it is I'm seeking to find,
but just so you know
nothing about you is low hanging

I unevenly know where my blindness will get me, I just know it's only ever gotten me somewhere
the only sureness is to not get hurt
and not feel that pain all over again
another 10 months can't ruin me like he did,
I'm already too strong and it hasn't been that long

the sleeves of my coat feel tighter,
I wish it was enough for your sweet air to handle

there's this existential feeling I have every time I break my own heart
I fall too fast,
trust too viciously,
feel the heat in a pool of ice
ignore the colored tones at the window

rose oil on my neck
my gradient over your baby blue legs
I let myself go where I thought there was air
but you're much farther than I can think to reach

I want to lay with you and kiss the total surface area of your face
I want the creases in your skin,
the ones between your nose and chin

I can't want you this badly but I do

I want to kiss you and I mean really
kiss you
I want to kiss you like every pore is a differently colored flower petal
tiny, soft, and me wanting to kiss each one

flowers are beautiful but you're incredible and beautiful all at once

I want to halo my hands around your
face in a way that's gentle but just
barely
I want to be touching your face but just the tips
of your soft peach hairs
I want your eyes and mine entwined
I also want to be entwined in you and around you and with you and next to you
seeing you is like seeing everything
for the first time again
seeing you is as close to seeing a star
existing as a real human
you are also moonlike and glowing all the time
I could sit in your glow forever
or at least until 5:54 a.m.
I'll be your sea if you be my moon

everything about you, I want to hold
in my hands
you are probably made of the same
light beams as a sunset
catching light and filling with light and touching things other lights can't quite reach
it's because the beauty omitting from
your shoulders is more than pinkish
evening skies could ever be

my entire encapsulated ******* being is pointing toward you
every aspect of my will
my conscience
my gut and heart above it
wants your light
I haven't stopped wanting, longing for your heart
you told me you loved Biggie
and I fell for you hard

you mean to me
what the moon means to the sea

For Tess,

The daylight hours
pass by
I find no comforts,
no warmth
no person of worthwhile
time spent
And my mind
clicks back to you,
and the way you are
my recluse from the
perilous limits
of life.
Shackled to motherliness,
Womanliness, femininity
We remain under
expectations to be
met some day,
but the thought
unsettles me.

With you,
I have found
what it is I want
With you,
the world’s demands
mean little
to our pairing
With you,
I can see my dreams
and yours, too,
simultaneous and growing,
binding us together
as a gracious
one.

Beloved,
my love for you
is plentiful and bountiful
with care for your
every solace.
No blight shall harm you,
no trace of hate shall
instill,
As long as I am there
fighting for your will

- A

To my Alice,

Does my heart
stop its singing ever
for yours?
When I am distant,
I yearn to be
in your orb of light.
Everything
your glow
touches, I will
keep safe.

Impressions linger
upon your slender neck
from your crumpled
dress—oh, I wish that
I were that dress!
In our waking moments
together,
mornings unfold
like shaken
white sheets catching
beams of light

My two arms and yours
confused together
but never growing
colder.
Fitting into your
petite frame,
I feel safer than
within the confines of
any man
You embrace my
every inch,
no other body
to this I have felt.

Elegance, bliss,
I can feel when we kiss
The way you rise
and greet the day,
if only everyone else
were this way

- T

For Tess,

Your gaze toward me, you say,
was first between us two,
I say to thee—it was equal!
For the moment
your glossy eyes
fluttered—oh,
to watch that first
look of you again—
I lost my barriers to you.

The length at which
you hold me
can never be close enough.
Let me under the nook
of your arm,
Leave me be there for
a while.
The sweetest place
I ever took refuge in,
it is here
it is nestled close.
If you are the nest,
let me be your bird.
I will flit always to you
and to you I do come home
again.

Soothing and swelling,
taming my raucous anger,
or healing my lonely spirit
You are my safe house—
let me dwell beneath your
robust roof
and feel your soft touch
to mine.

Naturally, then, we didst come
to be…
you saw I, and I saw thee.
As a pirate elates upon
discovering  
precious gems,
you too, my Dear,
I have found and treasure
near.

- A

To my Alice,

The first summer in June
flickered past us like a candle’s shaken flame.
The trees shimmered lightly,
the grass raised its blades,
the perfumed mist settled
when the moon shone.

Deep in the fields of tulips,
the sheath of night
lay His cloak upon
the garden’s breast.
I was there
I had wondered
in my lonesome,
is it not just me?
Who am I to be all this—
truly, madly
deeply searching?

I caught hold of something far off,
building upon my senses
until my self
felt it.
She was soft yet sharp,
marbled, yet refined
A tan-speckled face,
etched in dainty favors
To describe you as I saw,
Ah, it was you I saw,
a slender path taken
but boldly so.
You were as you walked,
and I longed unknowingly.

The illumination,
pure opulence
and oval-faced splendor
upon your cheeks.
You are like
the moon’s first peak,
the sunrise’s first kiss,
the lilies first bloom in the greenest garden.
And I wished I was there
when the world
bestowed you Her beauty.

- T

I've left my purse at home these past few nights
maybe because I wanted to feel lighter, freer
maybe because the air and my skin are one when I'm holding less
or when I'm held less

I am bold and alone since you left me on that beach

crunching Sacramento glass
losing my balance and not wanting the gripping thrill down my neck
my hair was haloed in sweat,
you'd never let the wind take it

i pushed my heart as hard as i could
and as hard as i've ever done before
i want back every single reassuring word i ever told you
stupid picture message
inside joke
fingerprint on your glasses

the ground was cold and wet
my face and the ground glistened together over your petty plaid shirt
you feel like everyone else when you wear that shirt
i bet no one knows how much more confident that shirt is than you
i hope you remember the way you danced
because i will never forget the lie i told about a cigarette when i left

you crushed me in a way that was your own
i hope you don't forget it

I'll probably be the only person in your life who sees you for more than you are
I saw that orange glow from your heart and I knew what it could do
I knew what it could do when you thought it couldn't do anything
but it could and it did
and then you ****** me up past the point of what was behind me
and I can't explain how I stood there thinking it was you
and wishing that I never let you block my view

i feel the wrong way for the wrong people
it always ends up like that
me, staring at a wrong face
me, doubting what i thought was sweet
me, at an existential standstill with myself and something that was
never there
never there
never ******* there
i just didn't want to believe it

I curled up into a song you sent me
I've thought about running the backs
of my fingers down your face
and how your eyes would find mine
I think I first loved you in the spring even though we were still wearing our coats
no one in my life is like you
one constant brainwave of you roars
through my head
and I still don't understand why
you're like this
my chest hurts every time I don't see you
my chest hurts because my heart is in it
I want you to have my heart, and my heart aches because it's more than ready to meet yours

you've captured me in your hands
and on your phone's camera
I never felt like this before you
there is no one like you
there is no one like you
there is no one like you
with you I'm ethereal,
it's all I can feel

If all I did while I'm here is make people want to be better people, then that's all I could ever ask for and that is what makes me the happiest

I'm scared how hard I could love you
I could love you so hard
I could love you like you want
I'm ready to give you my heart
and I'm scared and I'm lost
but there's a way I can feel
and I think I'm ready

I almost called you babe over text yesterday
I wanted to call you babe
I think you are at that level in my life
you're one of my babes
it's because I like you
it's because I want you to fill my time
I want you to fill my time with your soul music and sweet voice
when your voice answered the phone my body melted
when you dipped me on the dance floor I fell for you
I fell so hard I was afraid I hit the floor
and you make me feel full
and you give me a warm heart
you are my heart
I want you to stay awhile

I want to catch your eyes and put
them in my pocket
your eyes are magnetic
you are magnetic
I am the magnet to your fridge
I am some type of food magnet
and you're probably an off-white fridge full of cheap beer and leftovers
I am pulled to you
I am pulled to you but I don't know why
I'm only a magnet
and you're my fridge

I write poems about you to keep myself sane
and I kiss you
I would choose you over a lot of other people because I like when we walk next to each other
and I kiss you
I like crossing streets and seeing our reflection in glass windows
and I kiss you
I want to wake up to your hair on my pillow
and I kiss you
I will hold you and be soft for you and tell you how lovely I feel when you look at me
and I kiss you
and you're ******* great
and I miss you
if only I could kiss you

I came home to a raining sky
My body was dry but my mind was soaked with you

I went to a naked party but only took my shirt off
if I got a text from you asking me to go do something with you I probably would have left the party without telling anybody
I connect with you and it's terrifying
I don't know what I am to you and it's terrifying
I really have no idea how often you remember me but I hope it's every so often
one day I'm going to tell you all about you
and how you are the hardest person
and how many times your eyes have killed me

my roommate probably hates me because I smoke ****
her mom sent her an easter package and it said "no open until April 5"
I can still see you in my immediate and post-immediate future
there are certain words you say that I
like because of the way you say them
I have an idea of what we'd look like on a magazine cover
I don't know if I'll ever tell you what it is
we shared pictures of our high school faces on my bed at 3 am once
and when I think about us doing that I think of how warm my room was and how making eye contact with you is a scary thing I want to do all the time

I made a list of stuff I have to get at target
I'm sitting on my bed only it feels like a ****** island
the only appealing feeling to me is helplessness and a shower
I want to cough in the shower and feel like I'm losing everything
I don't want to choose my Sunday I
want Sunday to choose me
can you let me put my nose in your neck
I realize that I have a different kind of angst now that I want to cry about
nothing to you
I woke up and wanted you
I want you when I have bad posture I want to hunch my back next to you
I'm really not forgetting about you
you've told me about you crying and I want to watch a movie and cry with you
I wonder what your arms feel like

ANYTHING WORTH FEELING IS
FEELABLE
OPEN THE **** UP AND FEEL ME
DO YOU FEEL ME
YOU DIDN'T
I'M A FRIEND
I'M YOUR FRIEND
I'M AN INSTAGRAM LIKE
I'M MORE THAN AN INSTAGRAM LIKE
I FEEL YOU
I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT FEEL YOU
AND WE BOTH KNOW
WHO'S ALONE IN THAT BIG EMPTY ROOM WHEN THE DOOR SHUTS
WHO PUTS UP WITH EVERYONE ELSE
WHO LOOKS AT ME THAT WAY
—
I FELT YOU AND YOU FELT IT TOO
NO ONE ELSE DID THAT IN YOUR LIFE
I HOPE IT WAS SOMETHING FOR YOU

I could be the person who knows you
best
but god knows you aren't ready and
here we are in the void
this ******* space that makes no
sense
you and I
we are in it
even though I never asked to be

rejected postcards from friends tells me
I shouldn't be here
but you
you roped me in
you chose me and I didn't know I'd
get this deep
you were it
you gave me a fake cushion for the
chair
and the hard seat hit harder
and I felt so pulled and stupid
but god knows you weren't ready

on saturday I bought myself a dress
and you bought yourself more time
in my head

i'm sick of what i am to you
i'm sick of what i thought i was
and how you were too scared to hold the fire

i don't know what you want from me
i don't know what you want from me
i don't know what you want from me

the risk would have been worth it

for a minute I just needed the city to
be above me and the sky to be below me
I needed the vast nothingness to feel
like I was floating on my own

I mark my days by my nights
I have candles and dreams that keep everything sweet
I remember how the dimly-lit desk lamp made my pupils go wider
while I thought of you as today turned into tomorrow

sometimes I cross my arms around my waist
and leave my hands there, just to see what it would feel like if someone else did the same

I kiss you because I'm on my side and I can't reach your face
I kiss you to make the sun go down
I kiss you and I look at you and I kiss you again
I kiss you and then constantly think that we are the only people kissing in the entire world
I kiss you because you are you
I kiss you and hold you for awhile
I kiss you because I can't say it without your lips on my lips
I kiss you and hold your head
I kiss you and hope that someday you'll be somewhere that's not as quiet and not as cold

the heart in the time we talked about the moon and our moms
the head i assume when you enter the room it's freaky and i can't find the light switch in ur bathroom
give me more of the blanket, i gotta lay right next to u
the walls surrounding our laminated eyes kept the winds at rest for once

my watch on my wrist
my watch on my wrist and ur hand on my waist
my waist next to ur waist laying on the grass
my back on the grass and ur hair on the grass and our thoughts out loud
my time of you in the time we have together
it's nice to be hugged sometimes

the text read:
"an old soul who knows how to be young maybe.
sometimes i think i am too many things all at once"

good writing comes from
uncomfortable situations good
writing comes from times spent
alone in dark hallways good
writing comes from
people with a change of plans good
writing comes from signs on buildings
good writing comes from the way you
look at the sky

I thought about getting kissed and
completely lost all feeling
I thought about kissing someone and
meaning it, hard
I thought about the tightness of my
shorts and how much I ******* know it already
I want to kiss something other than
the opening of this beer can

i'm alone i'm alone i'm ******* alone and i can't feel what you're feeling from all the way up here
the sixth floor is the most bereft floor in this whole entire building
i'm angry alone
i'm sad alone
i'm eagerly alone and it's what's been keeping my mouth so warm

i hate saying i'm lonely
it's too pathetic
i feel as if the word "lonely" is associated with needing a significant other to be with constantly
but lonely just means feeling alone
not necessarily feeling like you need a romantic interest, just feeling alone
by yourself
so i just press myself against the window and look down at the people on the street and try my hardest to feel something

tonight i went on a date with my windows
they're so large and beautiful i don't think i'll ever live somewhere else in my life with windows as big as these ones
a lot of frankie cosmos because that's how i feel
i'm eagerly lonely
i haven't felt this alone ever
it's like an adult loneliness
i'm alone
i'm swirling that word around inside my head like a marble in a wooden bowl
alone
alone
lonely? yes
also alone

i woke up at 7:30 today to the sound of rain coming through the open window in my bedroom
i've discovered that this is what i want every morning to be like
this is my daily wish
and it came true today
and i'm home until Tuesday
and i've thought about someone aching for me and died in the process

i only hope that one day someone will love me the way i have loved so many people before

it's like
the ultimate day of ur death
is when you have no more
timelines to refresh, pictures to post,
or hearts to tap
because you've finally figured it all out
ur an ******* &
also there are real things outside
to go and feel and see so go
******* do it stop reading
this **** man
GO