Center of all centers, core of cores,
almond self-enclosed, and growing sweet--
all this universe, to the furthest stars
all beyond them, is your flesh, your fruit.

Now you feel how nothing clings to you;
your vast shell reaches into endless space,
and there the rich, thick fluids rise and flow.
Illuminated in your infinite peace,

a billion stars go spinning through the night,
blazing high above your head.
But in you is the presence that
will be, when all the stars are dead.

8/9/2017

the heat doesn't stop for anyone.
i learned this three- is it three now-
years ago,

the weeds crawling up my sticky ankles
laughing with the windows rolled down
years later, the smog hits my face

and i roll up the escalator,
now used to the sight of 34th street
hitting me in the face

head on like the freight trains
i used to graffiti-
i  used to contemplate jumping in front of

my life here is a terminal one
my days in my childhood home numbered
a new life filled with grey and steel

approaches me
and i do not flinch, i do not cower
nor do i tremble in anticipation

i simply wait
like i used to in the train tracks long ago
oh, but i always changed my mind then.

i keep coming back to the hospital
the red beam on my skin
cold hands, everywhere is clean
and i am not sick. not anymore
not ever again

a white ray of light is carrying me
the road leads an empty flesh
the road swallows whatever's inside
i've become hollow even before- and now
i creak open
trying to stuff myself with what doesn't belong

this is a house. this, a hospital
i didn't pay my rent, so i came from the back
i keep coming back to the hospital
my feet, my head, my soul
only the heartbeat is steady. like the earth

that is the sun. that, what shouldn't burn

nurture me, nurses. smile at me like ever
gently feel the fabric of my clothes, doctor
tell me to eat. tell me to rest
tell me to do everything i shouldn't do

isn't that so naughty? to eat? to rest?
i wonder
i keep
i keep wanting to

this, a forever. this is the hallway

-

#1
*******, i am really drunk
accidentally slammed three beers
pretending that the neck of the bottle
was your lips

#2
part of me wanted to text you
staring up into the sky
praying that the stars would swallow me
and my fingers itched to type out
so many things that i would regret
in the morning

#3
and i imagined telling you
confessions of how i felt
and i imagined that little cursor
blinking back at me like so much
apathy and words swallowed
over and again

#4
and i have kissed
my fair share of people
with lips male and female
with faces smooth and some scruff
or a full beard that i envied
but girls have the softest lips
always have

#5
i wondered what it would be like
to kiss you then
holding your body to mine
hoping you would forgive the splits
in my lip that anxiety helped me put there

#6
a good describing word for how
i felt then with three beers and good food
making its home in my belly
would be “blissed”
i was blissed out on ***** and food
and my pining for you

#7
i am sober now
woke up earlier than i would have liked
but then again i fell asleep at 10:30pm

#8
and this thing i feel
it’s like a combination of regret
and disappointment in myself
for not just telling you how i feel
and for needing liquid courage
to get myself to that plateau
of spilling my guts or backing away

#9
and i have forgotten
what my favorite drink tastes like again
in favor of the words to describe
how kissing you for the first time
would surely feel

#10
and i have never felt fireworks
when kissing someone before
even the girl i thought i was gonna marry
and i’m not so young now
and a little bit more cynical
but i wanna feel those fireworks with you
and i still haven’t texted you
and i don’t know if i will
and i don’t know if i should
and i am sorry for being like this