I have a very horrible, overwhelming fear that everyone is going to forget about me.
I feel like the people version of the moments that don't get caught on camera and put in a photo album or like watching the sun go down every night so the bright purple, pink, red, orange, blue hues all just blend together or like trying to feel time that has already passed.
I don't want to look up at the stars anymore because I'm afraid that I'll miss one or one will disappear if I blink, I'm even more afraid that that's how I am in people's lives. I'm there and then I'm not and it'll just be another thing to forget.

God is not found on the hundred pages of verses in a Bible or at the altar of a church or in between the lines of a hymn found in the 3rd pew or in the pauses of an ongoing, thundering sermon.
God is found in the ashes of a cigarette while the sun rises and in the moments where the radio breaks up but everyone is still singing and the mornings after a night out drinking where you don't end up hung over. God is found in the heart of a girl who does not fear a man. God is in small moments that everyone can believe in, even those who don't want to acknowledge him.

I don't know how to be this way I don't know how to be this girl
I don't know how to laugh on cue or smile with my eyes
I don't grow beautiful flowers and sunrises anymore
I drink wine and don't choke anymore
I don't know how to be this person

You think I need you?
I can guide the sun across the sky and make stars disappear faster than they arrived and create ever lasting constellations and spin saturn by its rings and
all you can do is pray to me and
your voice is lost in the emptiness of space
Do you really think I need you?

I was created from car crashes and cigarette smoke and alcohol and neglectful and broken parents
I was created from their hurt
I was created to be hurt
I was born unlovable
I was born not being able to love
I was born sad
I was born with a name that means to be brave
I was born with a curved spine and was made into a titanium one
I was made into long legs and unruly brown hair and green eyes and loud opinions with a soft voice
I was made to be resilient.

I am sitting in the closet taking shots from the 4 different alcohol bottles I have in front of me
And I can't breathe
I can't breathe on good days
And I can't breathe on bad days
And today is a really bad day.
Remember when I said I wouldn't know what to do if you both left me?
I have watched you both choose each other over me so many times.
So now I'm the one leaving.
I'm leaving because I want to breathe more easily,
I can't remember what it feels like for air to reach my lungs.
I can't remember what it's like to breathe deeply.
I gave everything up for you.
Now I have to choose me, I have to pick me, I have to be selfish. This is for me.

You are the only person I think I will never tell how I feel or at least how I previously felt because it'll never be my place or the right time so-
I will always wonder if there was a missed communication or something I couldve said differently or done differently or anything I could've changed
I will always wonder if you knew or if you would have changed something if you did maybe you wouldn't have been so vague or maybe you wouldn't have made me laugh so hard or asked about my weekend or always started the conversation first because I was too proud to
I will always wonder if you noticed my hands and voice shaking the first time you ever talked to me
I will always wonder if you ever think back on what we used to talk about because I'm sure you never realized but I told you my tiny secrets and all I can do is hope that you knew.
I will always wonder about you.