Towards herself she was ambivalent
Because of this around others she chose to be reticent

She was feeling lament
However to hide it she kept her face as bland as cement

Evrery body looked at her and expected her to be serene and decent

He was sorrowful
Though it was innocuous,
He looked abject anyway

Alone in the dark with you where we can be ourselves
You put your arms around me and pull me so close that I can feel you breathing on me
I turn toward you and I can't see your smile but I know it's there
You kiss me softly and I realize there's nowhere I'd rather be than right here, right now
I kiss you back, only I kiss you harder
You slowly roll me over and tentatively climb on top
I allow this as my adrenaline starts to race as much as my heart
We are intimate and I'm more than okay with this
We don't do it all for fun
You love me and you show it more and more each day
I let every part of me show when I'm with you
You do the same...
I love you

Seeing you again is warming my heart
However it's melting my eyes
Should I be happy that you are in my life
Or should I be dodging the bullet and lock the door forever?
Maybe fate is handing me a second chance
Or maybe pain is looking for a way to dig deeper into my body and soul
Today has made me think
The thoughts are out of control
Should I take another chance?
Or should I look at the fact that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result?
Maybe...

Everybody crying in the lonely hallway
Couples cuddling making you feel alone
Gossip going around like the plague
Surrounded by people but feeling a lack of friends
I put in ear buds because the silence is enough to drive me mad
In a building full of stress, hormones,hatred, and fear
All of us are stuck here for four horrible years
I'm in year three and it's getting the better of me
Highschool is a beast
A monster
Something I can not beat
These years are Hell
This year has been worse than the rest

Third wheeling all my friends but
Having nobody for myself
Trying hard in choir
However nobody in my family cares enough to come to the show
Trying my best to be somebody
But I'm a shadow on the wall
I'm the person who feels alone and cries in the bathroom stalls
All I want is somebody to pay attention to me
Not to be alone all the time or to feel so empty
I'm not an attention *****
I just want somebody to know I'm there
Recently I feel like nobody will ever care
I continue my days faking smiles
While going about my feelings on my own
Even when I tell people how I feel
No attention is ever shown
This draws me near the bleeding
Closer to the thought of death
Would anybody care enough to pay attention then?

I'm trying hard
I feel stuck
How many hours does it take to obtain knowledge?
My nose is in my books and my hand is writing every free second
So why am I stuck?
Has my brain shut down after the honor roll?
Or am I allowing my life interfere with my studies?
I don't know but something has to change
ACT is next week and the stress is destroying me
School, drivers ed, work, guitar, homework then bed
Oh my God my poor **** head
On top of the fullest of schedules my family is highly dysfunctional
I feel as though I won't make it to 12th grade
Is the adult life going to be this stressful?
I just paid two bills
I received my tax return
Growing up too **** fast
What else is there that I need to learn?
I cook I clean
I pretty much do everything
What the heck else is left for me?
My brain is on overdrive

Don't hate him
as he holds you by your throat
Don't hate him
as he cusses out my sisters
Don't hate him
as he calls me a worthless *******
Don't hate him
as he doesn't let me do my homework and I get an F on it
Don't hate him
as he makes you pay for everything
Don't hate him
as my sister lays in bed crying
Don't hate him
as he brain washes you and takes your strength away
Don't hate him
as he makes me loose respect for you
Don't hate him
as the house is dead silent because we can't make a sound
Don't hate him
as he bullies me for everything
Don't hate him
as he brings everybody down
Don't hate him
as I give him yet another chance
Don't hate him
as he makes me start to hate you
Don't hate him
as he takes you away
Don't hate him
*as I wish I wouldn't live another day

I don't want to live
However I don't want to die
I'm surrounded by abuse no matter where I go
I want to run away
Leave everybody behind and never look back
There's people I would miss
I'm tired of giving fourth chances
Hell I'm tired of giving anybody a second chance!
I'm not allowed to do anything about it
Because according to authority I'm considered minority
So I have to live with abuse
Im almost an adult but I have no idea what a happy home looks like
How am I supposed to have a family of my own
When I have no ******* idea on how to live at home
My whole life I've been shown that it's okay for a man to abuse me
It's okay to have hours and hours of housework
It's okay for mom to sleep on the couch
It's okay for my youngest sister to be trapped in her bed all day
It's okay to have anxiety and to stereotype everything
It's okay to give chances until you don't ******* care anymore!
It's totally normal to have gone to 6 schools in your life and to move every two years or less because a man makes you
It's okay for everybody to run my ******* life except for me!!!!!

I didn't expect this
A random surprise
A rose was given to me
It made me so happy I could cry
My favorite part is that the rose is from my sister
She's made me realize I don't need a mister
I have my family
I have my friends
This rose symbolizes that I'll never be alone
I'll always have my sister until the very end

You didn't do drugs
You didn't drink
You don't have a record
You graduated early
You know what you're doing with your life
You never asked for ***
You only kissed me sweetly
You love your music
You were the greatest and most respectable guy I've ever met
But you didn't love me
You never did
You never will
You left me here all alone in the dark without the thrill
You were the only guy worth keeping
You realized I'm worth leaving
You said I got too attached and it's true I did
You were so worth it to me but to you
I'm only a kid

Sick to my stomach
Feeling like I can barley breathe
Im gasping for air as I fall to my knees
Im trapped inside my head
All my insecurities surrounding me
Making me second guess myself as if I was crazy
If I could get rid of all my doubts I would
If I could erase the insecurities I would
If I could look into a mirror and tell myself Im as beautiful as you say I am
Trust me I would
I can't find a way out of this
Im full of pain from past experiences
With each heartbreak I fall further into my insecurities
Forgive me for doubting myself
Forgive me for fearing
I need to get out of my head
However my pain is just too consuming

I know what I feel
What about how you feel?
I'm over here thinking of you wishing I could get a reply
What are you doing?
Is there another ******* your mind?
Am I not good enough for you?
You're amazing to me that's as clear as day
So what is it that's getting in your way?
Curiosity is actually hurting me
Everything about you consumes me
So why do I feel as if you don't care about me?
......

Write a man a poem he will feel appreciated and flattered
Write a boy a poem and he will shut you down and leave you tattered
Tell a man you love him, he'll say it back with truth
Tell a boy you love him, he'll use it as a gateway to rip off your clothes
Show a man affection, He'll respect you forever
Show a boy affection and to him it will never matter
Spend your money on a man, oh wait a man doesn't want you to do that
However a boy will strip you of everything you've ever had
The difference between a man and a boy is a great one indeed
A man will cherish you forever
While a boy will take what he wants and then leave

Imagine a life
Sitting by a fireplace with the one you love
Snuggled close and completely smitten
Thinking how lucky you are to have gotten this far
Imagine playing music in front of one million people
That feeling of adrenaline, happiness, and maybe a little fear
Isn't that how you should feel with the one you hold so close?
Imagine if distance and prices were only a number
Imagine if those numbers didn't matter
The possibilities would be endless
We could live our life together as one
It's possible in the really close year that's to come
Me with you
You with me
How much happier could we be?
We would have our music
We would have each other
We'd be amazed that in such a bitter world we found each other
Imagine what a future like that would be like?
Just Imagine.
I imagine that I would be completely happy
Because I imagine my future with
you

Not long ago we were smiling
Now our hearts are beating
But it's no longer for each other
We have the same circle of friends
But the distance between the two of us couldn't be bigger
You sit with music ignoring everybody we talk to
Everybody is aware of the cold shoulders you carry
We want to help you get over me
Why is this a big deal when your heart never did beat for me
We could have avoided this
If only you had treated me the way I deserved
You're angry and alone
You refuse to let anybody in
The cold shoulders are getting thicker
While your relationships are wearing thin
I want to help you
But I know you won't hear a word I say
Or acknowledge a thing I do
While you allow yourself to give the world your cold shoulders
Everybody will eventually turn their cold shoulders
Towards you

How long can I fake a smile?
I care about others and put them back together when they fall apart
But I'm falling apart and nobody is there to fix me
Nobody puts me back together
I have no solid ground to stand on
I'm running out of pieces
But I always find a way to be there for others
Now when will others be there for me...

I'm going to Hell
Can't you see?
Can't you tell?
I'm a person full of sin
No matter the amount of goodness within
I can't win
I always lose
The Devil has found his way to tie his nous
From the gallows of Hell I will hang
For eternity replaying all of my pain

If I could count every tear I've cried
They would equal the amount of stars in the sky
If I could measure all the pain I've ever felt
It would equal the amount of money ever dealt
If I could weigh all the shame I carry around
It would weigh more than the Earth in pounds
If I could count all the times I've said I wanted to die
Even if you didn't know me you'd probably cry
If I could say how many times I've been hit
Everybody would understand why the tiniest thing could make me quit
If I could measure my feelings people would leave me alone
They would all understand if only they were shown

Grey skies
Misty eyes
Thunder strikes
My heart dies
Family tears me down
Oh well fake a smile
Because I'm not allowed to frown
I fake a face towards them everyday
But when my true self appears they shove me away
I can't do this anymore
Everyday is too much
Seems like I'll forever be stuck with
Grey skies and Misty eyes

Crying in front of my best friend
Pushing his comfort away
He doesn't know what to do
All he knows is that my sky is grey
He tries to cheer me up by making me laugh
I will be forever thankful for that
But what's a guy to do
When his besty's skies are blue?
Thomas you were there to help me through
You got me through the day
Thank you best friend
for caring about weather or not I'm okay

I have been beaten by people who told me they love me
I have been cut my words and by blades
I have been harmed by hands of people I care about
I have been killed emotionally over and over again
That's why I'm scared
I'm scared that you only say you love me
I'm afraid you will leave
I'll never find anybody like you
I know it's true
For once I'm a person not a toy
It's beyond strange to feel safe in somebody's arms
I trust you which is scary because I trust no one
I'm fragile and you know it
My heart is racing one thousand miles a second
I love you and I'm scared of losing you
The thought is horrifying
I feel like you'll never hurt me
But I can't know for sure
I have felt a lot of pain
I have fought so many battles
I have tackled being beaten
I have survived being *****
I am learning to handle my emotions
You know my secrets
You know what I've been through
Someway, Somehow you still prove that your love is true
If you ever leave
It may as well be the death of me
I'm so scared of messing up
I don't know what to do
I feel like I'm mean
I don't like to cry in front of you
You know how to hold me up
You know how to show me you're there
Nothing in my life has ever been this good
Nothing for me has ever been fair
You are so different
You're beyond compare

You were only 5 years of age
God has taken you and has filled our hearts with sadness and rage
You were pure and sweet
The brain infection was very discreet
Everybody thought you were well
Until the night of October 31,2015
When you fell
You went to bed and never woke up
Now all of us are very choked up
You are in Heaven now and we all wish you well
I'm sorry A.J Conley
All of us wish we didn't have to bid you farewell

Emo
**A name
A label
A title entitled to people who are misunderstood
A name given by those who will never understand
A label made by people full of ignorance
             Nobody sees past the hair and the makes up
                     They see the scars and look away
      They hear the music and "you're satanic" is all they say
They see you wear black and the word emo is what they say to attack
Emo
A name
A label
A title entitled to people who are misunderstood
A name given by those who will never understand
A label made by people full of ignorance
...Emo

I'm trying to change for my family
But I'm the only one who is trying
You still tell me I'm a ***** up
You still leave me crying
I can't please any of you
No matter how hard I try
No matter what I do
I'll never ever be good enough for you
Let me end my life so that all this hatred and pain can pass on through

A house with a husband who loves me so
Little children who smile bright
Cats by the fireplace
Happiness surrounding us
Meaning that I finally won the fight
A career that I want
Dreams coming true
But will I make it all the way through?
Will I get to this point in time
Or will I get fed up with everything and lay down to die?
Will I continue this Hell and hope to reach heaven?
I really hope that I do
I want that future to become true

I don't care if he is your brother
He's a good friend to me
While you're just an ex lover
Every time you broke me down
He would make me smile instead of frown
We aren't in a relationship
We wouldn't do that to you
Even after all the pain you've put me through
You tell me I'm pathetic and that I'm other words I refuse to say
However it's not my fault that you threw me away
I've lost friends because of you they believe the rumors you spread are true
I got thrown out of my house for you
I would have even died for you
Your brother is one of the only friends I have who still remain true
You tell me you'll hurt him if he doesn't stop talking to me
After all the things you did to hurt me how pathetic can you be?
Keep slandering my name everywhere you go
It's funny how easy it is for a lover to become a foe

All you did was cheat and lie
All I did was stay by your side
I ignored what everybody else was saying
But it was my denial the truth was delaying
You told me you loved me and that you'd be mine forever
But you were also sleeping with her while we were together
And not just one her oh no but maybe two or three more
I know now that your love for me was out the door
Now I see all the truths that were buried deep within your lies
And how dare you have the soul to look me in the eyes
I avoid you but you're everywhere
You're worst than a ghost I wish I didn't care
I wish I had listened to all the truths that were said
Instead I listened to your lies and layed with you in bed
I loved you you enslave me
Now I'm left alone with my tears and no dignity
You aren't a saint you're the devil!
You put all of your sin into me
I can't run away and hide from you
Because your eyes are spears that just stab through
I can't get away from all the memories and the pain
Why is it so ******* me
When it's clearly so easy for
You

I always ask people are you okay?
Even when I know they are
I always apologize even when I know I've done nothing wrong
When somebody asks me if I'm alright
I always say I'm fine
I ask people if they're okay because i need someone to see that I'm not
I apologize all the time because I alway believe I'm at fault
I say I'm fine all the time because i need somebody to say "I know you're not"
I care about everybody all the time
But it feels like my feelings are forgotten a lot

I felt anxiety walking up to the doors
I wanted to cry when i saw the familiar faces
Faces of the people who break me down
Faces of the people who don't care about me
Faces of people who hurt me emotionally
Faces of people who make me cry
Walking up to the doors i felt anger
I felt the stress
I felt the frustration
I felt the feelings that were inevitable
Walking up to that place i realised ill be lonly
My closest friend has a girlfriend
And she tries to make him ignore me
All my friends have found love
And im the one alone
The depression i get from that place is the ruler
While im the throne

Anger built up inside me
Guilt is there as well
Sadness is consuming
Tears starting to swell
Regret is flowing through me
Deep inside I feel
Ive pricked my finger on the needle
Of my hatreds spinning wheel

You're hurting on the inside
Smiling on the outside
You love her with all your heart
But shes cheating
Shes sleeping around
Shes using you
Shes bringing you down
You're my best friend
I can see that your smile is a disguesed frown
I love you
Im here for you
Why waste your time on a girl who is a blind
A girl who doesnt love you
You deserve better than this
You deserve to be happy
Please leave her
I care about you...

Fear running through me
Memories flowing through my mind
Like the tears are flowing down my face
You're yelling and throwing things out of anger again
Just like you did years ago when you lived with me
You're angry again
Upset for no reason
While I sit here scarred by your anger
Im affected by my past
While my past is caused by you
Dad please calm down
Please just breathe
Please relax
Please stop taking your anger out on me
Please stop reminding me about how broken my life is
I dont have a home
No matter where I go
There will be yelling
There will be hatred
There will be tears
There will be no love
Im alone
Surrounded by anger
But spilling tears instead of screaming words

Looking at the blade for the first time in forever
My heart just shattered but doesn't even matter
You told me you loved me then walked out the door
I'm gonna pick it up for the first time in forever
I'm going to continue a bad habit
I'm going to cut

The boy who cried wolf was not believed

All the townsfolk thought the boy was a tease

In reality his mind was diseased

The boy thought the townsfolks' eyes were deceived because they couldn't see the wolf

Indeed the wolf was there but indeed the wolf was not

The wolf was the deepest part of the boys sorrow

The boy cried wolf because the wolf was everywhere

The townsfolk thought the boy was insane because they couldn't see the wolf

The wolf is the boy's pain
The wolf is the boy's darkness

The boy is crying wolf
The townsfolk don't care

They don't see the wolf anywhere

The boy doesn't cry wolf anymore
The wolf devoured him after tearing him to shreds

To the townsfolk eyes being deceiving
couldnt save the boy from the wolf
Because they believed seeing Is believeing

You're alive,but you haunt me
You're alive, but you have a ghost
You're alive, but you're gone
You're alive, but you're only a memory
You're alive, but you're acting like you're dead
The only reason I acknowldege you're alive
Is because I'm dead to you

Letting the darkness consume me
Letting go of the light
Letting myself drown in sorrow
Letting myself give up the fight
Letting the darkness reach my soul
Letting the light escape me
Letting myself sink slowly below
Letting life defeat me
Letting the darkness become one with my soul
Letting the light vanish from my mind
Letting myself sink to the fathoms below
Letting myself not fight for life
Letting life leave me alone
Finally letting everything add up
Finally letting myself go

I would sing you any song
I would quote any line
Just as long as I stayed on your mind
I would run any mile
Just to see you smile
A thousand tears Id cry
If I never saw your eyes
No matter the distance apart
You're always in my heart

A mind so beautiful
A mind so lethal
A mind im in love with
A mind I can't hate
A mind that can make me smile
A mind that could crush my soul
A mind that can let me in
A mind that chooses to keep its secrets
A mind like a rubric cube
So hard to figure out
I'm in love with your mind
Without a single doubt

Goosebumps on my skin
Shivers down my spine
Coldness all around me
Madness in my mind

I gave you what you wanted
And now you're losing interest
I should have known
I did know better
But the second I looked into your eyes
How could I possibly resist?

Thinking about that night
My child hood left behind
You took it from me
You stole a part of me
I told you no
Still you didn't let go
You didn't get off
You just forced me down
While you're on top
You didn't care as I layed there and wailed
I still have nightmares
I still have thoughts
It was almost two years ago
Still the memory doesnt fade
I don't know what was more scarring
The fact that you did that
Or the fact that I was in love with you
I dated you for half a year
We were still together
I thought you loved me
But you couldn't handle no
Whenever I hear your name
I panic
Whenever I see somebody who looks like you
I cry
I can't do this
What you did to me hurt me
Still you didn't  care
I told you no
Still you didn't let go
You didn't get off
You just forced me down
While you're on top

You can do it!
I'm such a failure
You're so beautiful!
I'm  really ugly
You're strong!
I'm weak
You're smart!
I'm dumb
You're so cool!
I'm such a loser
You're smiling
I'm dying

The words i tell myself
Are not what I truley believe

I don't want to say goodnight to you
But I really don't have a choice
I hate that I can only text you
I need to hear your voice
It's that time of night where I need to rest
Just know you're im my heart and that your my boo and you're the best
Goodnight beautiful green eyes
Goodnight beautiful smile
I need to see you tomorrow
Because I haven't seen you in a while

I got called a ***** today
You might have lost a friend
I got called ugly
You're wondering if your friends life will end
I got called a *****
You're getting you heart ripped out
I don't know how to help you
All I can do is pout
You're not in this alone
I'm here by your side
You and I are going through a hard time
But together we stand
And together we fight

Sitting in an empty room
Letting the loneliness consume me
Letting the thougts flow through my mind

I haven't seen his face in days
I miss the sweet things that he says
I miss his smile
I miss his laugh

I'm afraid because of my scars from the past
Afraid he'll forget about me
Afraid he'll love another
Afraid he'll hate me
Afraid he'll call me names

I know he's not like that
To hell with my past
I'm writing a new book
The writing starts now
I shall turn my frown upside down

I won't be self conciois
I won't be untrusting
I won't let my past permanently scar me
He's different I know it
And I am new
I'm recreating myself
So dear past,
To hell with you