Loving myself comes with the rain

Sometimes a drizzle
Sometimes a thunderstorm
Sometimes it’s a fog, consuming my insecurities
Making them hard to see

This love that I have for myself
Is not something constant

It is changing with the weather

Sometimes there is most certainly a drought

A choking, overwhelming feeling
When I realize there’s no water

Nothing there
There will continue to be nothing
Because I am nothing

There is nothing I can do to change the fact
That nothing will come

And that’s when it does

A big, rumbling rain storm
Heading straight for me

It overflows the gutters of my mind
It floods my heart with a love
A love for myself

And it feels like the rain will never end
Nothing could stop it
Because it is everything

I am everything

But it is gone as suddenly as it came

And I am stuck in this cycle
Of loving
And hating

I wish you nothing but endless rainy days

My love for you is constantly growing

Growing like flowers underneath the sunniest sky
Building like snow atop the highest mountain
Rushing like the waters in a downhill stream

Every word you speak
Steals mine right from my mouth

Every look you give
Gives my heart reason to skip

Every time you touch
You touch deeper than my skin

You’ve got my full attention

You’ve got all of my love
Even the love i do not have yet to give

I can tell your love for me is only growing faint

Burning out like a fire
Tip-toeing out the door
Fading like echoes

Every word I speak
You hear but do not acknowledge

Every look I give
Reaches for you, only to be swatted away

Every time I touch
It is just another hand that you’ve felt hundreds of times before

You need something else
I can see it in your eyes

Please tell me this is my imagination playing tricks on me
Its cruel, hurtful jokes that I have been fooled by many times before

Please tell me this isn’t the case at all
that your love still grows for me like flowers underneath the sunniest sky

Don’t compliment my appearance

Do not tell me that I am pretty
Do not tell me I’ve got the most beautiful eyes

Don’t

Those words mean nothing
Full of emptiness

How superficial you make me feel, telling me those things

Don’t you realize there is more to me than what meets the eye?

I am not just skin and bone
I am heart and soul

If you wish to make me feel good
If you wish to see that lovely smile

Tell me that you love the words that I write
Tell me that I am one of the most authentic individuals you have ever met
Tell me that I have an incredible sense of humor

Do not fall in love with this flesh and bone
Fall in love with this heart
And this soul

I’ve been thinking a lot lately
I’ve been thinking about life
who I am
what I want to do
my passion
and my purpose

It’s all a bit overwhelming
I know I’m young and I shouldn’t have all this figured out yet
but not knowing bothers me
I need to have a plan
I need to know what I’m working for
and I don’t know
I have no idea

That terrifies me

I like to act like I have it all figured out when asked
but in reality I have no clue

I don’t even know who I am
Not really
I mean what defines who you are?
I know it’s not your name
or what you look like
so what is it?

The concept of “me” is so hard for me to wrap my mind around

It’s such a weird feeling
not knowing who you are
It makes you feel boring
like there’s not much to you

But I know there is so much more to me than I can see
I just need to climb deep into my mind and truly know myself
I just need to find ways to reveal parts of who I am

I need to do things I enjoy
find my passion
discover my talents
and use them for the benefit of others

That’s all I really want to do
Do things that make me happy
and help others in the process

But I feel as though my life is already so structured and time is so limited that I won’t have time to do the things I want to do
and the things others expect me to do

I go to high school
then college
and then I start my career
soon after get married and start a family

That all sounds great to me

But where does traveling fit into that plan?
Where do year long mission trips fit into that plan?
Where do summers spent in little towns on the coast doing nothing but enjoying this beautiful earth god has placed me on
fit into that plan?

How can I step out of my comfort zone and experience new things
if I’m stuck doing the same ole same ole?

If I could somehow fit all of this into my one lifetime
which I’m sure is possible
that would be fantastic

But I just feel like there isn’t enough time

I don’t want to spend my life going through the same stages as everyone else
I don’t want to be stuck at a job I hate
I don’t want to go through countless hours of lectures and studying

I want to go out and enjoy this big breath taking place the human race calls home
I want to meet new people
see new things
try new foods
and just embrace the awesomeness of this earth and everyone in it

I want to help people
find the less fortunate and make a change in their life
I want to bring light and hope to people who need it the most
I want to make this world a better place
I want to feel as though I can make a difference

After all, we only live once

Why would I spend my one life going through the motions that other people have established as “normal” and “successful”?

I am not other people
I am my own person
and even though I’m not completely sure who that is yet
I know my person wants to be different

And hopefully
by being different and doing a different thing
I can truly find myself along the way

Let’s take a trip
To places we’ve never seen before

Let’s just get out of here
I know a part of you wants to

I know you’re afraid
That once you get in this car
There’s no getting out

That this craziness that I am
Might be too much for you

I know you’re scared
That I might drop you off again
In the middle of nowhere
And drive away as fast as I can

But baby I promise
I’m just as scared as you

I’m scared of these impulsive decisions I make
I’m scared that I might forget you at the gas station
I’m scared that we might break down

Take another chance on me
On this wild ride
And I’ll make it worth your while

You can stay in my passenger seat
Forever, if you want

And if I ever tell you to get out
If I ever tell you to leave and never come back

Remind me about the time I asked you to get in this car
And we can keep on driving