The heavy haze of a steamy summer evening
bares down on my chest
I gasp for each little breath
Leaning on sorrow
I Reach around to unveil the cup that we couldn’t fill
And my shame cloaks me
Like an Olympians bronze
I wear doubt like a soldiers badge of honor
Marching into war
A war we couldn’t fight
The demons we couldn’t tame
The harm we couldn’t sow

And I found you there
Like the first ray of sun on the very first seed
Like a dancers first stage
Like artists first pen
Like the sunrises first sunset
And we tangled in each others fingers
And played hand in hand
And tiptoed on the edge of freedom

But we were haunted by the choices that had come before
But we never let that shadow
The unsteady amour of our broken hearts
And we never let the emptiness that the night brought
Swallows us

And for a moment we forgot ourselves
And we danced in the merriment of each other thoughts
Laughing at each others regrets
And patiently waited to orchestrate our own
And Then we remembered..

Rushing to Button up our collars
we head back onto our designated sides
“Don’t forget to softly close the unhinged door”
Tomorrow I will seek safety in the comfort of your hands
But tonight we must gather each other up

And linger on sleep.

Im the girl that will do two wrongs before she ever does a right
Forever with chipped fingernails and untamable hair
And maybe I talk a little fast and think a little slow,
but I never let my self be embarrassed by my short comings
Yes a little short
But I never let the courage that I carry like a back pack
Rest handedly at my side
I wear my unconditional love like a sleeve
And I'll pick the wrong guy 9 times out of ten
Or maybe 22
But I always bounce back
And I know myself a little to well
Or maybe not at all
And my obsession with the stars wavers on unhealthy
And I love the way the moon looks in the morning
And the way my sisters look at their spouses
And I fake confidence
Like black jack players biggest gamble
And I ramble
And I'm great at awkward moments
Like a 6th graders first open mouth kiss
I cry a little to often
And watch a little too much bad tv
But you won't find me judging your poor choices
Because I've made them too
Like 5000 knives my words can unravel you
But I try to place pressure
On the tiny hurts
Because sometimes that's the only way i know I'm alive
I identify with my gemini traits
Swimming from happy to miserable in 3 seconds flat
And I probably admire you
But would never say
Because rejection is a game I rarely ever play
And I would rather be singing with a 5 yr old
Then dealing with grown up stuff
Because I still see myself at 16
Sometimes insecure but never flat chested
And I'm never satisfied with ordinary
Because this world holds way to much beauty for ordinary to be trusted
And when I laugh I really mean it
And when I cry I mean that too
I hate being late
And the feeling of being left behind
And I surprise myself with internal motivation
Like running in knee deep water
Or lifting 500 lbs
But I always miss the people that mean the most
I almost never have good timing
But when the end is near
When all the songs have been sung
When all my dreams have been reached
When all my failures have been exposed
I will always always always
Stand arms outstretched waiting to embrace life's possibility
Cause that's not just the tight rope I walk on
That's just me.

Let me introduce him.
half smile and half manipulation
He will take you out to fancy dinners
and then pinch your inner thigh under the table
He will sweep you off your feet
but forget to grab you shoes
Because you see
he doesn't want you to stand on your own
Like an air traffic controller
He is dictating your landings and departures
But all you want is a departure
Warmer skies
And a healthier landing
But he keeps you
Firmly planted on the ground
And then He bribes you with affection
and later handles you with his tongue
But as his hands cover your mouth
And you feel muffled by his presence
you lose yourself
You used to be a rainbow
You used to be seen only in technicolor
Now you're wearing black
submitting to his obsession
your simple lies turn him into a monster
and you're quivering like a child
Scared to put a toe down
Because his anger lurks beneath the bed
holding the blanket close around your neck
You beg for his forgiveness
He calls you his princess
and builds you a tower
But girl it doesn't matter how long you grow your hair
He will find a way to criticize it anyway
And you're bound to pay
I can't satisfy his anger
He hides behind it
Jabbing your sides with little suggestions
That dress is to short
That's a lot of skin
Excuse me *******?
Who's body am I in?
And I don't need a fairy tale
What's it to ya anyway
I'm just a bird with a broken wing
You see I used to have two
One for luck
And the other for navigation
So why is leaving him resound with hesitation
And somedays I dream of a different life
One that's filled with witty repartee
And symphonies
Cellos play sweet melodies
And I take my two wings and fly between the notes
And I float
Catching air
I'm up there
But he takes his water hose and shoots me down
Because he only likes me wet and vulnerable
I think he is catching on
So I turn into sand
And taking a fistful he squeezes
Jesus
I'm falling through the cracks of his insecurities
And I find myself there
And I dust myself off
And fly

That's goodbye.

I get wrapped up in you all day
I get lost in ur gaze
I lose focus
Only thinking about the way your lips move as you speak
You get me so high
So high
I'm up there
Conversing with airplanes
And hot air balloons
And there is no convincing this girl to come down
Because the view from up here is indescribable
It's roof tops
And ridges
It's mixed messages
And anxious waiting
I could end the torture
Release the strain
Cut the string
And let the high bring me down
But I've become wrapped up in it
It's the blanket that keeps me warm at night
It's the song the plays over and over on the interstate
And I drive towards you
But I think it's the best thing I've ever driven towards
And you open me up
Like a book
You read every line
And memorize every word
Because u and I have become a short story
Written in a black ink
But never binded.
Printed
But never read.
Hoped for
But unfinished business.
And I'm ok with that
Because I have a memory of the way you move against me when you sleep
I can recall how your eyes look when your truly happy.
And I know just how happy you are
Because you may be the best friend a girl like me could ever ask for
And hey
Maybe you have a Contact high too.

Under blankets I whisper softly
Words of wisdom
Words unseen
Our new president will set us back
To when our hearts were mean

He'll deny the climate's changing
He'll ignore unequal pay
He'll delay our water rights
Billions hurt along the way

Grabbing for more pillows  
I do not find relief
Donald Trump will do what he likes
And take whatever he keeps

I toss and turn for Syria
For my Middle Eastern friends
I worry for our planets health
Is this where our story ends?

I cry out for the children
That look to teachers eyes
Who's poverty hangs like a noose
From the tree of Donald's Lies

My pillows wet for civil rights
For muslims everywhere
They are as American as you and me
I quickly say a prayer

Dear Donald,
Don't you see my friend
Your greatness isn't great
You teach our sons and daughters
To fill their hearts with hate

You play with friends like Putin
You appease the KKK
You build walls instead of bridges
You call names if it's not your way

I pull my blanket towards my chin
As I think about corporate greed
You may not of had a super PAC
But I know where you truly feed

Your hands are deep within the pockets
Of big oil companies
I see the person that you are
I know the president that you'll be

You've tricked the American public
You've scared our Hispanic friends
You've hurt our reputation
Will the United Nations make amends?

I know you will not read this
As I slowly close my eyes
But there is good in this world
And WE will stand side by side

Our love will surround your towers
That you've labeled conveniently
Different races, genders, and religions
Will protest peacefully

When millions stand together
We cannot be divided
When millions work together
We will not be short sided.

I fall asleep with books in my bed
Praying that somehow there language will meet me in my dreams
Cause being 8 weeks
8 weeks late
Means I get some kind of redeeming
God I hope I'm just dreaming
And this late is not the kind of late that gets you half credit
Or misses the morning train
No this is the kind of late that haunts you
and you are left waiting
Takin extra precaution
Gracing you hands over your abdomen
A resounding "I'm not ready"
Pounds the inside of your skull
And you feel guilty
Because when the little pink t
Appears
you feel more like a woman
And less alone
But you know
This ain't the plan
I didn't opt out for the cheap seats
I got places to go
And things to do
So tuck your piece of plastic in the tiny trash can
Because this **** is got to be negative
I'm 25 and knew better
Knew better than to mix myself up with an ex
**** it. He looks good. It's only ***.
And I've been drinking and he has too
The *** sets off a buzz like halogen bulb
Knock knock He approaches the door
Swagged up and ready
I hold myself steady
And we stepped into something
And We got our shoes wet
He looked blurry
Like the road he took to my 3rd floor walk up
Aged him
And as quickly as I had forgotten
his hands covered my mouth
And he kissed my arms and chained me to the bed
Come on baby just give me a little head
I'm not ur baby
And I don't want yours either
Get the ******* of me
Because things have changed
You don't get to make my decisions for me
You don't dictate my story
My ink is at the press
I'm already in love with someone else
If I truly confess
But you tricked me
What was a little fun turned into a nightmare
And what I thought was mere inches
Was a ******* long *** mile
And You smile
The evil corners of your mouth twitch upward
Like bully
You forced me into a decision
Well I got something to say to your little vision
I went to the doctor
And he said its true
I'm not having your ******* baby
So go *******.

This poem is for the girls and guys in limbo
Somewhere between love and lust
Up the dark road
Inside the cold box
This ones for you.
For u sweet dreamer
For the girls lusting for the boys who have only followed the trail of perfection
This is for the nerdy guys
Afraid of the way she flips her hair
And his own shadow
This is for the friend zone
Those who tip toe cautiously
Reading mixed signs
And deciphering smoke signals
This is for you
This is for heartachers
And the people that will never know there own doing.
This is for the girls who say no
And for the boys who don't know there power
This is for I love you's
Whispered under breath
This is for the crushes
And the people that love them
This is for the traded glances
And the misinterpretation
This for the hours wasted
And tears that have fallen
Fallen long enough to build you an ocean
Like a mote
to place around your heart
This ones for you dark forecasters
And glass half fullers
This ones for the poets and the phone calls
This is for the obsessing
The morris code blessing
And this ones for the confession
Those that take there pride and tuck it between their legs
This is for you
Stand tall
Tall enough to crane your neck to see the horizon
Because this may look different on the other side.
This is for the hopefuls
Those who love and still believe
This is for the love lyrics written
And those that repeat there songs
This is for you.

My big sisters made every mistake in the book
A big book
I know
because it was like a manuel that I received at birth
Slid under our doorways
They gave out copies
They reprinted chapters
They drew out maps
They sketched out the details
We flipped through the pages
Turning each lesson
******* earing the good ones
Like the time my sisters got so mad they kicked in the door
Or the time my sister tried a creaky houses old pipes
Leaning over
"It won't flush"
Swoosh a wave of water
Or the lesson about heartbreak
Reminding my brother Joel and I
to look with our eyes closed
But hearts open
Because they said that's how you know the difference
And don't settle down to quickly
They whispered between hallways and bed sheets
Because marriage is forever
And people aren't gaurenteed
My sisters authored pages and pages
Roads leading to roads to new roads
And the book grew older
The book came out!
This time celebrating parenting
Remember to lock the front door
Because that toddler with the wild red hair will
try to
Houdini escape everytime
Or sometimes softer
Remember that this life is yours
And you are steered by your choices
Said the sister with the bright blue
Eyes
And midnight colored hair
And she said sometimes
You will have to trade in your ballet slippers
For bare feet
Just so you can truly have your feet on the ground
And listen said the other
Sometimes resolving and letting go
Is easier than holding onto tightly
As she shows us her bruises.
And be yourself Lael
And don't try to hard Joel
Because the boy with broken heart can't be fixed
And the girls with the wild sides can't be tamed
And make sure you both stand tall
But not looking down
Look straight ahead at the horizon
Because we've already done it like that
And the sun will always guide you back to blue skies.
And I if it doesn't they said
We sure as hell will.

I paced
I paced the entire apartment
I hadn't really felt anything.
And i worried
maybe the nothingness meant something
Like the way a nod can mean something from across the bar
Or the way a quick glance can tell the whole entire story
Or the way a text message vibrates in you pocket
Maybe the nothingness meant I had cried every tear I ever had
Or maybe it didn't
Or maybe it meant I couldn't busy myself with emotion
Like a bird to its nest
I couldn't occupy my time with tears
Maybe it meant the sound of my laughter was more important.
It was more important than kisses on the forehead
And a date to the party
Maybe it was more important than photo ops and family dinners
Maybe smiling now spoke 5,000 more words
Then any tears that had fallen then
Because freedom melts in my mouth
Because laughing rinses away tired memories
Like water hose to ***** paws
Like bees to there busy hive
My happiness pursued me
It romanced me
It took me out to fancy dinners
And dressed my face up with a smile
Maybe my happiness was my nothingness
And maybe I finally deserved it.

20 hrs and 15 mins we spend together a week
Yes. I've calculated it.
And every second of every minute is occupied
by the way your smile
Lights up your entire face
Like a flick of a light switch
"Oh there you are"
And By your self doubt
Which you somehow play off
as kindness
by the way your eyes have
a slight hint of grey
All to knowing and a little uncertain
And the way that they seem to look right into me
Pushing past
Like an optical illusion
Little flecks of red, blue, green, hell grey
Shoot right through me
Cascading a dream on the wall
In the dream I can touch you
I can touch your hand
Your more mature
I'm less goofy
And we can handle "us"
Yes
"Us"
We say that out loud
Like feathers floating to the ground
It wasn't rushed
It was kind
And slow
And sweet
And full of fun
Everyday was like the last day before summer vacation
Bursting through the school house doors
Sprinting to freedom
I blush deep red
Or maybe I wouldn't
Because it would be okay to stand this close to you
It would be okay to tell you that I love you
And I have for months
It would be okay
to say each others names
in the dark
And mean it.
It would be ok to stand in front of you
Filled to the brim with flaws
Bubbling over like a well oil machine
And embrace you.
Because time for me stops when his skin is near mine
Minutes freeze mid air when he enters the room
Or maybe that's just my heart
Freezing the next beat
Freezing like a deer in headlights
Right before impact
My heart
Pounding in and out
And in and out
And you've seen me on my worst day
Messy bun, sweats, and way to much attitude
But you know how to navigate around me
Like a sailors compass
You always know which way takes me home.
Because you are warm fires
You are kisses on the forehead
You are the sunshine through the dark clouds
You are kept promises
You are sweet gestures
You are rainy Sunday mornings
You make it easy to love you
And you make it easy to understand why you aren't mine

Each day I give little pieces of myself
Handing it out like city street corner flyers
Free samples
Library books
I'm your library
You check out my facilities
And your books are always overdue
I know you read my facebook statuses like tarot cards
You analyze them
Like a bank tellers cash drawer
I know you hardly think of me
But when you do you can't sleep
There is no medicine for counting sheep
And Sometimes I can't sleep
My words play around in my head
Like darts
Ducking and weaving
as they wiz through each cortex
Bouncing on a vertebrae
They reach my spine
My words are what keep me standing
What keep me breathing
The oxygen to my personal ozone
And I don't need food now
My words fill me up
They hold me like a newborns cradle
They shelter me from the ongoing storm
They wash away the hate,
the fear,
the loneliness
And leave me standing bare
Standing bare
For you to judge me
And I hope you do
Because I don't need you now
I've got sentences
Stanzas
Punctuation
And God willing articulation
And when they come in with their tiny clip boards
Red pens and
Neckties
I'll look to my words for salvation
Because they are me
They open me
They dress me up in emotion
They place a thorny crown of justice on my head
And this isn't a relationship
This is love
A challenge of the witted
And I'm committed
And sometimes my words and I argue
I want a comma there
They feel comfort in the runon
But we've never been closer
Closer then we are right now
Because I seek solitude and joy
In the speaking of words
I seek awareness and hope in each little letter
And When you think of me
Think of my way with words.

I breathed in the double bass
I was rocked to sleep by the deep melodic sounds of history.
Because that’s what we were
A historic voice
Seeping through the very veins that inspired me
Dancing on a string I crept towards an empty door
Hoping for
Longing for that deeper voice
How hollow a sound must sing to me?
How low a voice must whisper?
How deep a wound must melt
But skipping lightly to the sound of a childhood
I wept hard to the laughter of adolescence
And looked to the sky with joy
Smiles stretching from ear to ear
Or rather cheek to cheek
Searching for the best way to explain
It wasn’t all pain
My father tuned the knobs with precision
He twisted each one
He listened to each string
Tick tock tick tock
I was jealous of a piece of wood
Welded together over hundreds of years
Protect this he said
Handing over the keys
I tip toed inside
Take a knee back
I longed to kick in the very object that I couldn’t stand
The very object that made beautiful melodies
And sunsets worth of notes
The very sound that put me short of time
Stole away hours
Days
Evenings
I move closer
Running my hand over ancient grains
Turning inside
I feel myself wish
Why couldn’t you play me like this?
I would have been your greatest performance of all
Applause wept through my hands
Dripping on to the darkest of floors
As I softly shut the door
And head home.

I heard the earth wept today
She looked scared as her branches grew up towards
The twisted rays of the sun
She moaned as the wind took its own shape across the ocean
Inside she could feel warmth that blew holes
Into her beating heart

The earth wept today
Beneath her blankets of sorrow
I could hear her sigh
Conforming to her energy
She took a deep breath
And her rivers raged on

The earth ached today
She tossed aside her former self
As she looked painfully into her future
Her grass filled with anger expanding into thistles
Towards the sun
The sad creatures of her abode crawled into their dark corners
And requested her forgiveness

I heard the world weep today
She told me to pay attention
As I laid shirtless in December
On the ground
And I listened

The world is weeping.

This story must not be written for me

No. No. not for me.

Not for me to tell

Not for me to decipher the twisted glances at the unseen truth

Not for me to hold the upstanding citizen

Quivering like a child at its first chance alone.

I Bury myself up

Tuck my chin beneath the sheets

Beneath the very sheets that touched our skin

Bury me beneath the tired old tree.

But do not leave me there

Bending there I pray before

Screaming “save me, save me”

But like a tree lonely in a forest

You forgot me.

I know your type
I see right through you
You’re the bottom side of a glass boat
See through and unworthy
Collecting ****
And nonsense