Love isn't a feeling.
It's like a muscle, getting stronger the more effort you put into it
Flowers on special occasions are just empty calories
Because the protein of love is being vulnerable
Cannot grow without this
When you left I tried so hard to stop loving you
But even bodybuilders know; you don't just lose muscle mass
It atrophies the more you neglect it
Got weaker the more you pushed me away
And though I've been building myself up
The stretch marks of us will always stay with me
To remind me of how mighty we once were
A cautionary tale they don't write songs about

It was a metal door
Noisy and heavy
Behind it was off-limits to us, though children never listen
More than a garden and some sprinklers made of plastic bottles
It was where we could exist in whatever world we created
No one's rules but our own
Core memories created under the shade of a lemon tree
They didn't tell me that the older I got, the less magical this place would feel
Now I stand here a decade later
And in the harsh light of reality, it just looks like a closed door
The paint is chipped and starting to rust from the rain
And though it doesn't feel as heavy now, I dare not open it
I would rather it stay exactly as we left it
So that my jar of marbles and Grandfather's stories can lay to rest
Adulthood is full of doors, and you never know what's inside them
At least I know my childhood will forever be safe
Protected by this metal door and the guardian who stands beside it

When I wake up I see my reflection on my phone screen
'Your squinty eyes are cute'
I wash my face and look up at the mirror
'Your skincare routine is paying off'
Catch a glimpse of myself from a storefront window
'Your sense of style keeps getting better and better'
I post a picture of myself
'You look happier'
Some days I don't mean the things I say to myself
Kind words don't come easily when you don't believe them
But just as flowers cannot bloom in hostile environments
Self-hate only makes my tea taste bitter
I will grit my teeth and call myself handsome
And as I roll my eyes at the silliness, I will feel my face blush
Maybe tomorrow I'll get dressed up
And when I compliment my reflection, maybe I will mean it

After our first fight, I was so sure that it was our end
Grieved us with bitter poetry and chocolate
But to my surprise, you came back
Promised to stay as long as I made you feel needed
Desperate, I made sure to tell you every day that I chose you
When you missed me
'I choose you'
When it felt like the world was against us
'I choose you'
When you had doubt
'I choose you'
When you fell out of love
'I choose you'
When you stopped choosing me
'I choose you'
Because I let go of everything for you
This is all I have left

When I looked at you, I didn't see a person
I saw blueprints for a castle
Strong, proud, and surrounded by sunshine
The more I fell for you the faster I built
Placing bricks with eyes closed out of fear that if I opened them you wouldn't look like my plans anymore
I worked until I had nothing left but delusion and ****** fingers
And when I finally took a step inside, I fell through the floor
You forgot to place the foundation, and my future collapsed
Homes cannot be built inside people
And dreams cannot be built upon clouds

The hands of the universe created the sun and the moon
These hands also created war and pain for good things and bad are a package deal
And after centuries, turning blank canvases into complete beings  started to feel more like an assembly line
That was until it discovered you
Sitting on a shelf with power behind your eyes
You were crafted with the same tools that created flowers and rainbows
Any imperfections were carefully sculpted, adding to your beautiful composition
Those who shine not as bright will resent you for this
But remember that colors were invented to brighten our world and you were invented to brighten mine

You asked what I wanted for my birthday
And though I loved the sweater, I really just wanted some time with you  
Don’t drag me to dinner, but please schedule an apocalypse so that we can be alone at last
Where phones don’t have service and duty doesn’t call until tomorrow
I want us to share the contents of our minds, not crumpled bed sheets
All I ask is for you to pluck out the numbers on your clocks and place them in my hands
With a kiss on the forehead and maybe some tea

Listening to you talk reminds me of landline telephones
Your thought process is a lot like signals bouncing from pole to pole
Stories and conversations
Groundbreaking 2 AM ideas and catchy songs
Watching it race down metal wires until it erupts from your lips
It is astonishing, the beautifully orchestrated chaos
Do not filter yourself for the comfort of others
Remember that you were not created for small talk
Please, sit here next to me
Invite me into your world as I pick up the phone

Do not be afraid, my darling
For when our clock runs out
And you exhale your last breath
Close your eyes
And when they open again come find me
Just like you did in this lifetime
And the one before it

Surely it isn't the structure that makes it a home
Because the roof remains intact
And the walls are freshly painted
But now it feels lifeless when I take a step inside
Ever since you hung your hat on the lemon tree
And didn't come back

I miss you the most when you are doing your bedtime routine
I lay in our bed and impatiently wait for the hour we have before your sentences become more and more incoherent
This time in our little bubble is where I feel the safest
My stars align when you are warming my feet and telling me about our future
So please, hurry and brush your teeth

Philosophers of ancient Greece presented to the world the three genders
Man, woman, and those of us who confidently exist in between
Where binary pronouns hold no meaning
For when we were created
Inside a warehouse in the cosmos
We were born with default settings
I was not programmed with a gender but that does not mean I am incomplete
I was created to exist as I am
As I was at the beginning
Afetiría
(Greek for starting point)

You gave me milk and dino shaped vitamins
I measured myself each morning to see if I was really growing like you said I would
But mama what happened?
I didn’t get that tall but instead, I wake up with an ache in my chest
I wasn’t ready for the growing pains
Outgrowing people and favorite jeans
The little girl in the photo albums would never recognize the face in the mirror
Change is good, but mama let me go back
To when I felt tiny in a twin size bed
And didn’t question my identity when I took a bubble bath

You put on your nicest dress
And I my cleanest suit
I pick you up at 8
The anticipation of the night makes you giggly and me blush
We pick up pizza and sparkling cider
And gaze at each other in this dimly lit room
We share our favorite memories from this year and manifest our goals for the next
We don’t need the parties and big crowds at bars
Because it’s not about them
This year is ours.

The chaos of the storm
Cars sliding and winds howling
Cannot harm me when I am buried in your bed
Watching your chest rhythmically rise and fall

Every morning I trace your profile with my eyes
From the top of your head
Down the curve of your nose
A dip to your lips
All the way to your chin
I stay admiring the curves of your face
Finding new features to study
Until you break my concentration by smiling
Caught red-handed

I crave the chaos
That occurs within the walls of this hospital
Code reds and heart monitors feel calmer
Then my mind when I clock out
Nowadays I walk around with a bike helmet
Because no one can convince me that the sky is not falling
I prefer the uncertainty of life and death
Over a tug-o-war of agony and euphoria
But just as every fever breaks
I will eventually find the bottom of my bottomless pit
Maybe one day I will take off my scrubs
And not be afraid of what waits for me outside the automatic doors

Memory lane is not a lane or street or nice park bench
It's a large glass that divides us
I stand on one side and see you waiting for me on the other
You look like you did on our last day together
Your shoes freshly stained by the grass we cut that morning
I suppose the features I don't remember are filled in by my mother's recollection of you
Stories that made me laugh and miss you
Stories that made me not want to see you in the glass again
I desperately want to feel grief but instead feel bitter
Because you look through the glass and see me as I am
You watch me break down and fail time and time again
While all I see is a still figure smiling back
A vague copy from a picture of you on my first birthday
I know it's supposed to be comforting
The thought of you watching from above
But I beg you, please turn away
So when I'm ready for you to turn back around
I will see you beaming at me with pride

The phone goes off at 2:06 AM
She darts out of our bed into the rainy night
An hour at most she says
A hospice patient on the other side of town
She thinks I worry about her when she's out on these calls
Doing the work that makes others squirm
But my worries begin when I hear the car door close
Her shoes kicked off by the door
Her quiet shuffle back towards the bed
Because I know that eyes that have seen that much anguish
Need a lot more than sleep to feel rested
Though I surround her with tenderness and warmth
I cannot protect her from what she'll see when the phone goes off again

I give the top of my head to my mom
Silent head scratches are how we bond
My left ear goes to my brother and the songs he writes in secret
The right goes to my neighbor with the sad eyes and stories about dust
The crook of my arm for puppy cuddles
And the belly laughs for my friends
My darling,
There are some parts I wish I could give you
But I am afraid they fell into the wrong hands
Instead, I offer you the palm of my hand to cup your face
My back for you to paint your masterpieces on
And my rhythmic snoring to lull you to sleep
I offer you the unclaimed pieces
And hope you find them just as magical

Blood is thicker than water
There is no arguing with science
Or my Mother when I start skipping Sunday dinners
Yes, blood is thick
But it is also heavy
Sits on my chest and restricts my breathing every time I remember I will never be the daughter I was created to be
A punishment for finding a sense of belonging outside the family tree
I am giving up my spot in the annual Christmas card
This year I will send out my own featuring my person and our unconditional love
The caption will read:
The bond of water will always be stronger because she put effort into bonding with me

You tell me you aren't sleepy
As your voice fades
And your eyelashes flutter
Trying to keep those honey-filled eyes open
Though their shine has set with the sun
I tell you about my day
And though you have drifted off
You somehow always respond to my final three words
For you to love me, even in your sleep
Is the reason I count down the hours
Til I hear your raspy "Good morning Handsome”

Between straight hair and curly
Between a childlike imagination and a mature disposition
Between my parent's culture and that of the country they picked for me
Between intelligent and dim
Between homebody and life of the party
Between mentally stable and slowly losing control
A midpoint between male and female
Half poet and half storyteller
The world is a spectrum that goes from A to B
And it’s okay to be a decimal point
My identity flourishes in the safety of the in-between
Grey is now my favorite color

2AM
Despite the thought of dirt on my pjs
I lay under the old pine tree
To simply take in
The colorful lights that sit in my garage
11 months out of the year
Suddenly, they have me glowing along side them
I smile in awe
Holding back tears
As if I just found out about electricity
It will always feel like the first time
After the time you swore would be your last
A miracle that even Hallmark couldn’t write
Maybe next year I’ll get white ones
Same time, same place, same grass stained pjs

The night of our first fight you covered up your irritation by muttering under your breath
"i'm just grouchy just ignore me"
You nervously looked up at me, expecting me to change the subject
Searching for passive aggression in my voice
Please understand that I want to experience every feeling you have
Pleasant and unpleasant ones alike
Even the ones you keep hidden under a smile
Out of fear that your temper will leave you a lifetime of dinners made for one
Unlike my predecessors, I will not be chased away
Yes, I am overly confident but maybe it's enough to keep you company tonight
So please tell me that you're mad at me
And know that lecturing me about ***** dishes only makes me love you more

You wake up around 9pm
Though you've been up for 12 hours
It's like you've been holding in your breath all day
Waiting for the moon to kickstart your dysfunctional circadian rhythm  
To take off your mask
And hide under the cloak of night
Where you can dream like no one is judging
Write that song that's been buzzing in your head
Paint the picture you see when you finally close your eyes
Write poems you desperately hope someone will like
Manifest a future where the world recognizes the greatness that the moon and the stars have always seen in you
Look at how they come out to congratulate you
For making it another day
They don't care how ****** it was  
Cheers to the blissfully restless
(You know who you are)

Leave your shoes at the door
Hang your keys on the hook
Lately life’s been a chore
So here’s your sign to look
For a change of pace and a different you
Take a breath, flip the page, and start anew

Everyone dies.
When someones day is eternally over
Yours has just begun
While everyone weeps
You are backstage orchestrating a production
That production being a moment of closure
You do the work others fear
So they can say goodbye
They say you are heartless and numb
But it takes a big heart to care
Even to the ones who are gone

We are officially broadening the categories that measure talent
Having a musical ear is crafting a playlist based on a single feeling
Being a historian is knowing everything there is to know about your favorite sci-fi series
Being a cinematic genius is putting together videos in your bedroom with perfect lighting and transitions
Being a fashionista is composing a trendsetting outfit from the thrift store with the 15 bucks your mom gave you
Being a poet is texting her at 2 AM after spending days finding the right words to express how you feel
The past favors tradition while the future favors you

I often feel like our love is invisible
Taught that only friendship can exist between two women
Little do they know that the hoodie I'm wearing is yours
Given to me this morning with a lovey-dovey line and a joke left in the pocket
Our scents blend in harmony to remind me that we are real
I promise to wear our love with pride

Many are those who walk along sidewalks looking down
Seeking comfort in what has already been discovered
Few are those who live with eyes pointed up
Consumed by the unknown with a delusional smile

You don’t have to put me back together
You don’t have to give me a solution
Just tell me I’ll be okay
And put a band-aid on it
(Please be a ******-doo one)

If you can’t bottle up the past
And the dam breaks
Forget the life boat
Invest in a strainer
Catch the good and let the bad wash away

What if you were a blade of grass
Amongst others just as tall
And though they found comfort in uniform
You never let go of that silly hope that something magic might happen
But magic is slow
Magic is small wins
Magic is progress invisible to others
So when you finally bloom
Know that those you used to resemble will grow green but with envy
Let them glare at your colorful petals and know that you didn’t just get lucky
Lucky are those who get to witness your magic

How silly we are to overcomplicate love
Legal forms, caterers, and the same line spoken eagerly at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
All you have to do is ask
And just like that two silently become one
Simple solution for complex creatures

When it comes to sunny days, it seems that a lifetime of soaking in your light is time well spent. But if forever is a greater part rain than shine I would rather escape your warmth than have an eternal cold and a tan.

At the end of the day how beneficial is it to end up with your soulmate?
Look in the mirror and say you would rather a forever with yourself over a breath of fresh air

I know you, the real you
I have been there for your ups and downs and chose to stay
I am only trying to protect you
You can lie to the world but you can’t lie to me
You don’t have to try to impress me
No matter where you go, I will always be with you.

Drifting aimlessly through the galaxy
Amongst the stars
Is the most beautiful kind of lost
Because though you have no direction
No compass
No destination in sight
At least you will be consumed by the brilliant glow of the universe
A warm energy that only exists in her smile
When it comes to being castaways at least we are a pair.