The chaos of the storm
Cars sliding and winds howling
Cannot harm me when I am buried in your bed
Watching your chest rhythmically rise and fall

Every morning I trace your profile with my eyes
From the top of your head
Down the curve of your nose
A dip to your lips
All the way to your chin
I stay admiring the curves of your face
Finding new features to study
Until you break my concentration by smiling
Caught red-handed

I crave the chaos
That occurs within the walls of this hospital
Code reds and heart monitors feel calmer
Then my mind when I clock out
Nowadays I walk around with a bike helmet
Because no one can convince me that the sky is not falling
I prefer the uncertainty of life and death
Over a tug-o-war of agony and euphoria
But just as every fever breaks
I will eventually find the bottom of my bottomless pit
Maybe one day I will take off my scrubs
And not be afraid of what waits for me outside the automatic doors

Memory lane is not a lane or street or nice park bench
It's a large glass that divides us
I stand on one side and see you waiting for me on the other
You look like you did on our last day together
Your shoes freshly stained by the grass we cut that morning
I suppose the features I don't remember are filled in by my mother's recollection of you
Stories that made me laugh and miss you
Stories that made me not want to see you in the glass again
I desperately want to feel grief but instead feel bitter
Because you look through the glass and see me as I am
You watch me break down and fail time and time again
While all I see is a still figure smiling back
A vague copy from a picture of you on my first birthday
I know it's supposed to be comforting
The thought of you watching from above
But I beg you, please turn away
So when I'm ready for you to turn back around
I will see you beaming at me with pride

The phone goes off at 2:06 AM
She darts out of our bed into the rainy night
An hour at most she says
A hospice patient on the other side of town
She thinks I worry about her when she's out on these calls
Doing the work that makes others squirm
But my worries begin when I hear the car door close
Her shoes kicked off by the door
Her quiet shuffle back towards the bed
Because I know that eyes that have seen that much anguish
Need a lot more than sleep to feel rested
Though I surround her with tenderness and warmth
I cannot protect her from what she'll see when the phone goes off again

I give the top of my head to my mom
Silent head scratches are how we bond
My left ear goes to my brother and the songs he writes in secret
The right goes to my neighbor with the sad eyes and stories about dust
The crook of my arm for puppy cuddles
And the belly laughs for my friends
My darling,
There are some parts I wish I could give you
But I am afraid they fell into the wrong hands
Instead, I offer you the palm of my hand to cup your face
My back for you to paint your masterpieces on
And my rhythmic snoring to lull you to sleep
I offer you the unclaimed pieces
And hope you find them just as magical

Blood is thicker than water
There is no arguing with science
Or my Mother when I start skipping Sunday dinners
Yes, blood is thick
But it is also heavy
Sits on my chest and restricts my breathing every time I remember I will never be the daughter I was created to be
A punishment for finding a sense of belonging outside the family tree
I am giving up my spot in the annual Christmas card
This year I will send out my own featuring my person and our unconditional love
The caption will read:
The bond of water will always be stronger because she put effort into bonding with me