Afraid to let go
I still remember falling
From your arms before

Goodnight mi amor
Goodnight to my dreams
That i thought were OUR dreams
Sweet dreams
While i dream
In a world where you're still mine

I live by the clock.

The tick tick tick,
Ticking away my life.
A silent celebration
Of another second
I survived.
A silent plead with the gram reaper,
"please I don't want to die"

Obsessed with time:
Years,
Months,
Weeks,
Days,
Hours,
Minutes,
Seconds.
Put my faith in the constant.
Put my faith in the clock.

When did you become my clock?
When did the little black hands
Circling life's one true constant
Stop being my true north?

Why do my hands shake,
No longer in fear
But in anticipation,
Of our next encounter?

How did a silent celebration
Turn into a constant collaboration?
Your hands telling a story
Your mouth can't.
Your laugh,
Echoing,
Through my ears
Down to my heart.

What erased my fear of dying
And ignited a love for flying,
Hand in hand
With you?

I can't recall.
But for the first time ever
I'm not afraid to fall.

Im afraid of losing you
The same way i lost me
By cutting too deep into your skin
That i hit your soul
And you bleed out all our good memories
And never remember
Us

I hold hands with death
Like a fellow friend
Stuck in the grey
Never living
Never dying
Stuck here trying
To make it work

I lean toward the darkness
Always prepared to fall
Hoping to fall
Praying to fall
I want to fall
You have me trapped
A rope tied around my waist
Pulling me back into the light
Blinding deafening life
I dont want it
You force me to breathe
It isnt a relief
It is choking on air
That i dont want

I can learn to want to live
You make me want to learn
I want to live
I want to live with you

Never have I given my name
Any thought
Until
I think about it connected
With hers

I traced every inch of your face
My insomnia keeping me awake
But i didnt care
Laying there
Playing with your hair
I didnt care
Cause i could finally stare
Freely

If only i was a painter
My sleepless nights the perfect time to
Paint every imperfect detail that highlights your perfection

If only i was an author
***** sleep
I could write stories on stories
About the stories your body speaks

If only i was a playwright
My lack of sleep
Driving me
To curate theatrical irony
Of our existences

Thank God im a poet
My nights well spent
Not sleeping
But capturing every moment of our time
Line by line
Just as we had created them
Side my side

I made a decision to end us
And it was right
But it feels so wrong

I take comfort in my solidarity
But i took comfort in your arms too
The cold harsh truth brushing against my skin
The way your lips used to

I gave you my heart
I want it back
You're not a thief
I cant be mad
I gave myself willingly
Give myself back

Cold from my isolation
Caught once again
In an addictive state
To my forever missing warmth

Please you're so warm

****** is illegal
But is it really?
You can hold my heart in your hand
And you have
You can poke and ****
Testing my restraint
And you have
You can slowly torture the life out
You did
My life is over but im still here
Im still breathing
Still crying
Still ******* dying
****** is illegal
Justice systems of America reconsider
Because i lost my will to live
And she walks free

Drugs and alcohol include restricted use
But we failed to ban the more addictive narcotic
The most brain altering
Physically impairing
Judgement decreasing
Love.
I love you
You loved me
Past tense
Cause thats where you left me
Caught in the could be
Please
I wish there was a caution sign with love
A: preceed at your own risk
But there isnt
Justice systems of america
Put a warning sign on love
Because she took my soul
And i still love her

Talk abt addiction

People don't see
Her inner child.
The clingy-ness before bed
The way she laughs over smth I said
Her inner child.
Heartbroken, because daddy doesnt care
Heartbroken, because her lover isnt there
Heartbroken, because people want what they see
Only want whats underneath
And once they understand they wont get it easily
They leave

I see
Dont take off your clothes for me
Let me listen to you breathe
Let me hold your hand
While you try to understand
How you fit into this wonderland

I see you
Can you see me

I love you

Ill wrap you in a blanket of words
You've never heard
That you dont even know you deserve
I dont want to take control
I just wanna learn your soul
Not your body
But your mind

I dont want to own you
I want to show you
What it's like to be mine

Writing is the slitting of wrists with words
The bleeding onto paper
Of your truth

People turn their heads away
Overwhelmed at the sight of purity
Art that reflects human form in its entirety
Its the ****** of oneself
For all to see
Come see my body
Bled dry
Caught trapped in a sheet of paper
Come see "i dont know how to explain it"
Disproved
Come see the darkest places i have ever traveled alone
Maybe then you'd understand

Its not just a poem
Its my blood
Poured out for the world to see

I can't write anymore poems
About emotions I can't process
My hands burnt out
scratching, typing, writing
Get it out because it ***** staying in
Blood, words, memories
Onto a sheet of paper
Call it a poem
Call it art
Call it broken
Call it me
My name
My titles
My words
To you, my collection of mismatched proportions and punctuation,
Looks like nothing,
Looks like work.
Strung together by commas and apostrophes and prepositions
Held together by me; my voice, my tears, my smile, my laugh.
The words you struggle to comprehend
Is the portrait of me struggling to pretend
That everyday isnt a challenge.