The girl i love is perfect

Bright eyed
Kinda shy
Always kind
I was 11 at the time
Afraid out of my mind
I literally felt like I was high

We played truth or dare
I never understood truth or dare
Truth: are you hyper aware
Did butterflies in your stomach pop out of thin air
I'm scared
Dare
Kiss me
I only 11, you see
But please
I wonder what would mean
How would it seem
If we became a thing

Fast forward 2 years
I am among high school peers
And you have yet to disappear
Still shy
Still kind
Now mine
Yet your eyes are not as bright
Being with you is a constant fight
In hindsight
I should have recognized the signs
Isn't it my job to read between the lines
Try to minimize the hard times
I tried

The girl i love is broken

Scars buried deep in the wrists
I kiss
Have you changed
Or did i just dismiss this
Distracted by the pure bliss
That comes with you

You are still kind
But no longer shy
Just numb
Totally succumb
To your own gloomy slum
I have become
Your drug

The girl i love is an addict

People are your drug
And you build a tolerance quickly
Once you begin to feel something
You leave
I have learned to cherish the inbetween

In between
The hi And bye
You lie constantly
Obsessively
Like you can't get enough of me
But i know you know
The truth
I mean nothing to you

The girl i love is dead

Her kindness
Shyness
Bright eyed
Perfect little mess
Reduced to a pile of letters sitting on my desk

Long gone are the christmas movies
In early november
Do you even remember
Cuddled up In my clothes
Do you even know
What it meant to me

You were my world

I fell in love with a girl who fell in love with her depression
I fell in love with a girl who no longer exists

Now I float aimlessly
Through time and space
Hoping to tether onto something
Knowing nothing will ever compare

People don't see
Her inner child.
The clingy-ness before bed
The way she laughs over smth I said
Her inner child.
Heartbroken, because daddy doesnt care
Heartbroken, because her lover isnt there
Heartbroken, because people want what they see
Only want whats underneath
And once they understand they wont get it easily
They leave

I see
Dont take off your clothes for me
Let me listen to you breathe
Let me hold your hand
While you try to understand
How you fit into this wonderland

I see you
Can you see me

Afraid to let go
I still remember falling
From your arms before

Cold from my isolation
Caught once again
In an addictive state
To my forever missing warmth

Please you're so warm

I traced every inch of your face
My insomnia keeping me awake
But i didnt care
Laying there
Playing with your hair
I didnt care
Cause i could finally stare
Freely

If only i was a painter
My sleepless nights the perfect time to
Paint every imperfect detail that highlights your perfection

If only i was an author
***** sleep
I could write stories on stories
About the stories your body speaks

If only i was a playwright
My lack of sleep
Driving me
To curate theatrical irony
Of our existences

Thank God im a poet
My nights well spent
Not sleeping
But capturing every moment of our time
Line by line
Just as we had created them
Side my side

I made a decision to end us
And it was right
But it feels so wrong

I take comfort in my solidarity
But i took comfort in your arms too
The cold harsh truth brushing against my skin
The way your lips used to

I gave you my heart
I want it back
You're not a thief
I cant be mad
I gave myself willingly
Give myself back

I hold hands with death
Like a fellow friend
Stuck in the grey
Never living
Never dying
Stuck here trying
To make it work

I lean toward the darkness
Always prepared to fall
Hoping to fall
Praying to fall
I want to fall
You have me trapped
A rope tied around my waist
Pulling me back into the light
Blinding deafening life
I dont want it
You force me to breathe
It isnt a relief
It is choking on air
That i dont want

I can learn to want to live
You make me want to learn
I want to live
I want to live with you